Missing Grace

by S. L. Scott

  “Charmer.”

  “If I am charming you, you’ll know it.”

  Good gracious, she liked this side of him. It’s like he’d been holding back, and now he’d found the freedom to be who he really was. She approved. Very much approved. So much that if she wasn’t careful, things could get dirty fast. And considering the restraint he’d had after her come-on last night, she was fairly certain he wanted to wait for them to be clear of entanglements. To be kind, she changed the subject. “Did you sleep well?”

  “I did. How about you?”

  “Yes.”

  “How long have you been awake?”

  She scooted up a little, dropping her head flat onto her pillow, and rolled onto her side to face him, mimicking his position. “An hour. I got up and couldn’t fall back asleep.”

  “How long have you been watching me sleep?”

  “An hour,” she replied with a small smile, draping her arm over him, wanting to touch him, to feel close to him.

  The enticing smile that made her weak in the knees filtered in like the light of the day. The night before came rushing back. What was that? What had she really been wanting? Him? Sexually, like she had him emotionally? He was easy to get attached to, especially when he looked at her like he was now. His magnetism was something he seemed oblivious to. Luckily, she was lying down. Reaching forward, she ran the tips of her fingers over his spiky scruff. “About last night—”

  “It’s okay. We don’t need to explain it away. There’s an attraction here that—”

  “That is undeniable.”

  “We managed.”

  She took a deep breath. “I don’t know for how long.”

  “We’ll take it day by day.”

  “You’re stronger than I am.”

  He chuckled. “As much as I like that you’re so open with your feelings, it won’t negate that I deserve a medal for stopping when we did. You’re not easy to deny.”

  “Then don’t,” she replied, ready to back up her words. And there was that killer smile. Good God the man was gorgeous.

  “I won’t then.”

  “Good. Now we’ve settled our needs, I have a want.”

  “You’re not just a need to me. You’re everything.”

  “God, you make it so hard to be good, Ben.” He chuckled again.

  “You be you, babe. I’ll be me, and together we’ll make a we.”

  “Were you always this good with the lines?”

  “I never needed lines with you.”

  “No, I know you didn’t. You just showed me who you were. You make it so easy to fall in love with you.”

  “And yet, everything still feels so hard.”

  “I’m here with you. We’ll take it day by day, like you said. But please know I feel it. I feel us. It’s slow, but strong.” She whispered, “I have a favor.”

  “Okay. Anything.”

  “I want to go to the apartment today.”

  Ben’s eyes flashed to hers and he studied the depth of her question momentarily before he asked, “Our apartment?” Confusion and pain clearly set on his face.

  “Yes, our apartment. Emily thought you already told me.”

  “I’ve not been back since I left.”

  She could see the debate warring inside his eyes. “Please.” Her voice was soft. “I need to see it. I need to be in it. I need to be around my stuff, our stuff. I’m ready.”

  “I’m not sure I am.” So honest. From what Emily had told her about Ben, she was completely amazed that even in his ardent love for her, he hadn’t returned to their place without her.

  She tentatively rubbed his arm, hoping to ease some of the dark emotions she could see in his expression. “I’ve thought about this since Chicago, and I need to go. If you’re not ready, I can have Emily take me. I heard she’s back in—”

  “No.” The word rushed from his mouth defensively. “I should be the one to take you.” Grace tightened her arm around him, scooting her body until it was flush to his. She closed her eyes and kissed his neck, wanting so much more of him. She was breathing him in when she felt his hand on the back of her head, holding her to him. “We’ll go today,” he added. A sigh followed. A sigh that said so much—pain, desire, love, sacrifice.

  The way he stroked her hair, running his fingers through it, felt familiar. Lovely. She kissed his chest, and said, “Thank you, Ben.” Although, at that point, she wasn’t exactly sure those two words were enough.

  25

  Ben Edwards

  Ben parked the rental car in his assigned parking spot of their apartment building. Emily sold his car two years ago so the spot had been empty for a while. It felt weird to be there, yet so familiar. He knew he’d vowed to never return to this place without Grace by his side, but he’d expected their return to be under different circumstances. He looked at her out of the corner of his eye as she got out of the car. He should have opened the door for her, but he was struggling. Emotionally. Mentally. How could he be strong for her when he would surely crumble from the pain?

  This was not how it was supposed to be. His plan had been to return with his fiancée after picking her up from a business trip, not introducing her to her forgotten life, and to her parents as strangers meeting her for the first time. She was anxious for this experience. He wasn’t. This apartment could be the catalyst that cut open his wounds he thought were finally beginning to heal. Guilt had eaten away at him for so many years that just by being in the apartment garage he was hit by a wave of debilitating responsibility and regret. This was where his life had ended. His door opened, and Grace leaned down. “You coming?”

  He nodded while taking a deep breath. Could this be his chance to begin again? She might remember. With renewed hope, he got out and caught up with her in three long strides, hearing the car beep as it locked behind him.

  Grace pushed the elevator button, and excitement with a sense of adventure trickled across her face. Feeling that vibe rolling off her surprised him. “I thought you’d be more nervous than this.”

  “I am. I’m very nervous.” Her words were quick and sharp. “I’m also anxious to see, or feel, or whatever. Maybe something will jog my memory.”

  They stepped inside the elevator, and he pushed the button for the eighteenth floor. He watched Grace stare at the button as if she’d find answers in it. Maybe she would. He hoped she did. When the doors opened up, Grace stepped out first. She scanned the two doors but appeared let down. Realizing what she was doing, Ben said, “There are two more doors around the corner. Check them out. Let me know what you think.”

  He stepped to the side and followed her, keeping a distance so he didn’t sway her instincts in any particular direction. She walked to the far end of the hall and placed her hands on the door, closing her eyes. He could see the excitement drain away, but waited. Turning to him, tears filled her eyes, her disappointment getting the best of her. “I don’t know. I don’t have a gut reaction to any of them. Do you think this will work?”

  Tears were wiped away as his thumbs rubbed gently over her cheeks. Cupping her face, he said. “Let’s hope so, but just so you know, you chose the right door.” He hoped his smile eased her concerns. “Take your time. We’re not in a hurry.” He wanted to believe their place could be her savior as much as she did, so the pressure mounted.

  He unlocked the door, catching a glimpse of that kissable lip she had her top teeth sunk into. The door was pushed wide open, and she walked in like she still lived there. Breaths were held in anticipation. Standing in the middle of the living room, she exhaled long and slow before a smile appeared. Her hand covered her mouth as she tried to restrain all the emotions she was experiencing. “It’s perfect.”

  When she looked back at him, her gaze dipped down to his feet, which remained on the other side of the threshold. He hadn’t taken one step inside, not one inch of his foot was in the space, in their space, in their home. “Ben?” Her expression was torn between the happiness she felt, the peace overwhelming her, a
nd his silent questioning. His heart pounded in his chest so harshly he knew she could probably hear from where she stood. “Ben?” She went to him and took his hands in hers. “Come with me.”

  Ben didn’t budge. As much as he wanted to go in with her, it was going to take a lot to get him to enter the tomb where grief hung heavily on his heart. She sighed but then whispered, “I know we had a fight the day I left.”

  “You do?”

  She nodded. “I do, but you can’t blame yourself for my disappearance. A fight didn’t lead to it. It only made it worse for you these past three years. You’ve carried this burden long enough. It’s time you let it go.”

  “I let you leave—”

  “In my heart, I know it was a dumb fight. It didn’t mean anything. It didn’t cause the accident. It didn’t mean I didn’t love you or that you didn’t love me. You know I wasn’t leaving you for good. Please. Please don’t blame yourself anymore. I see that you do and you shouldn’t.”

  Tears filled his eyes, and he swiped the back of his arm across them, trying to hide what he felt was a weakness.

  “I know how much you loved me, Ben. You’ve shown me, Emily told me, our families told and showed me all the ways you loved me, but this place, our place . . .” Grace pulled him slowly into the living room. “This apartment proves it. This home is love. I feel it. I need you to do this with me every step of the way.”

  She didn’t really know what she was asking of him. He had endured sleepless night after sleepless night throughout the last three years. Yes, the apartment was home, but seeing her back in it, it was also crushing his heart. If she left him . . . willingly, he wasn’t sure he’d recover. If his love wasn’t enough for her to stay . . . “I’ll try.”

  Her smile lit up his world when she said, “My heart is so full right now and I need you. I need you to experience this with me.”

  He swallowed and when he looked around, he realized he was standing in the middle of the scene where he committed the worst crime of his life. His words were soft and reluctant, but he confessed his sin. “You told me you loved me, and because I was mad, I let you leave without saying it back. I didn’t say anything, not even goodbye. That was the last time we spoke. I’m sorry, Grace. I loved you. I loved you so much.” He wanted to touch her. Hug her. Consume her, but he didn’t dare. He kept his hands at his sides, cautious and careful. “I still do.” His heart hurt, and for a brief moment he thought he might need to go to the hospital, mistaking the pain for something else entirely.

  Her hand touched his cheek. “I left that day knowing you loved me, Ben. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have left. You know that in here.” She tapped his chest. “Just like me, your heart knows when your head doesn’t.” She paused, taking in the surroundings again then looked back at him. “Emily never told me what the fight was about.”

  Ben searched her eyes for mercy. “I wanted to start a family after the wedding. I wasn’t saying immediately, but I didn’t want to wait years.”

  “I love children.”

  “You do?”

  “Did I not before?”

  He shook his head, but only out of surprise. “You did like them . . . You just didn’t want to have them young like your parents. You worked hard to earn your degree and wanted to use it.” Her eyes were wide, an innocent curiosity coloring them, as she hung on his every word. “I always wanted to have kids while I was young. All you asked was to wait a few years.” Ben laughed to himself. “A few years. I was upset with you over a few measly years. It’s been more than that now.”

  “Stop beating yourself up, Ben. You did nothing wrong by wanting to start a family. It’s so sweet that you wanted that for us right away.”

  “I was with the woman I loved. We’d had thirteen years together. I had everything, and then I lost it all.”

  “You didn’t cause my accident. Your words and anger that day didn’t cause it. A stupid cab driving too fast and me not paying attention caused it. Hearing what happened between us, I can’t be mad at you. I’m not mad at you. It was a fight. Couples do that. Real couples fight. Deeply connected couples fight.”

  “But we didn’t.”

  “Well, we were the exception, and that was just extremely bad timing and a real bitch of an inconvenience to get amnesia then. But it’s time, Ben. It’s time for you to forgive yourself.”

  “I need your forgiveness first.” His words were said as a plea.

  “I have nothing to forgive. You did nothing wrong. Please, I’ll say it if it will make a difference, but you need to forgive yourself, too.” She wrapped her arms around him and kissed him on the neck. “I forgive you.” Kiss. “Ben, I forgive you.” Kiss. Kiss.

  His hands tentatively touched her waist, sliding upward, her shirt dragging up under his fingertips. Looking down at the woman he had loved for what felt like his whole life, he embraced her fully. He dropped his head to her shoulder and whispered, “Thank you.” Freedom washed over him. “I have nothing to forgive. You did nothing wrong. Ben, I forgive you.” The three words he had needed for so long. I forgive you.

  Finally.

  He could finally be free from the guilt, the pain, and the regret.

  Although he wanted nothing more than for her to remember their life together, if she didn’t, he now knew they would still be all right.

  With her arms wrapped around his neck, she kissed him again. This time on the lips. Sensual and slow, forgiving, and giving. When she kissed him like that, he didn’t know if it was his Grace knowing they’d spent a lot of time kissing, or desire guiding her. It was confusing. And so addictive. Would she ever know our love? How real and consuming and permanent it was?

  She said, “Show me our home, Ben. I need you to do this with me.”

  He nodded and led her to the floor-to-ceiling bookcase by the large window. “This was your passion,” he said, pointing at the large collection of books on display. “You collected first editions and would visit bookstores looking for treasures when you traveled.”

  Reaching out, she dragged the tips of her fingers across the spines and turned her head to the side to read the titles. There were no recognizable names. He’d always wanted to buy her one of the classics, but their time was cut short before he had the chance. Vowing right then and there, he would find one if he was given a second chance.

  He gave her a tour of the entire apartment and then let her wander around on her own, getting lost in discovery. While he sat on the couch, he watched her touch everything, loving the sight of her back here again. Every now and again, he made small talk just to hear her voice. “What do you think?”

  Grace turned around in the kitchen and said, “It’s great. It’s warm, and lived in, and loved. It’s so different from my place now. That place is modern and clutter free. I’ve called it sterile, but to be expected living with a doctor.” Catching her reference to Hunter, she apologized quickly. “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay.” It wasn’t, but Barnes was going to be a habit Ben was happy to help her break.

  “Ben?”

  “Yeah?”

  “It’s so different from your place in Chicago.” Looking to him, she added, “Your apartment in Chicago is so temporary. It’s not you at all. There’s nothing of you there except the picture on the desk.”

  “I never committed to it. I didn’t know I had to, but time still passed.” It was a place he slept and searched for her. He wondered how different his routine would be now that he had found her.

  She picked up a trinket and looked at it. “Everything here has a purpose.”

  “What’s that?”

  “To remind someone of a great memory. Don’t even get me started on those framed photos in the hallway.” She smiled.

  Ben knew the ones she was referring to without looking. He loved those, and his Grace had loved each and every one. They were of the two of them on various vacations and adventures. He sprung to his feet and took her by the hand, leading her back in the hall.

  As he look
ed at them, he remembered how long she’d spent trying to organize them before hanging each one. He smiled and touched the glass of one of the pictures, running his finger along her figure. The picture was of Grace reading her book under a tree on campus that Ben had taken unbeknownst to her at the time. But it was breathtaking in its simplicity and beautiful how the tree appeared to be hovering over her protectively. Where was that tree three years ago when she really needed protection?

  * * *

  Grace Stevens

  Standing shoulder to shoulder, she said, “We were so happy.”

  Ben’s hand wrapped around her waist and pulled her against him. Grace happily molded right against him and closed her eyes. His other arm embraced her as she dropped her head to his shoulder. As soon as she squeezed her eyes tight, she had visions of the two of them laughing. She was running, but laughing. She could see the bedroom and reached for the bed, but was grabbed and turned around, Ben and her toppling onto the mattress. “I love you, Grace. I’ve always loved you and I always will.”

  Grace’s hands fisted his shirt as she held on to the man that loved her more than life itself. She could once again feel the depth of that love, the limitless passion Ben had for her. She understood the anguish she’d seen in his eyes that first night now. She’d been his life.

  A tear escaped when she opened her eyes and met his. Standing on her tiptoes, she placed an unrushed kiss on his lips, appreciating the feel of his lips against hers.

  Ben narrowed his eyes in confusion as she whispered, “I knew you loved me, Ben. I still do.” Just as he was about to speak, she added, “I wish we could stay.”

  “Grace, I need to talk to you.” Ben walked back into the living room, scrubbing his hand through his hair, making it wild and even sexier than she already thought it was. He sat on the couch and waited for her to join him. When she did, he said, “This place, this apartment is in your name as well as mine. We bought it together. Emily said she told you, but I want you to know that you can come here anytime you want. You have a home, a place of your own if you need it. Or, if you decide, we can sell it.”