by Ariana Rose
***
We walked home in the cold. He couldn’t wait for a car or cab. My feet were burning in my heels, and I was shivering in my thin wrap. He didn’t offer his jacket the way Connor did. This was intentional. He was furious, and I was paying. This is the Hunter most didn’t see. Score cards were kept. Reminders were given. It was better for me not to complain or speak until he was ready. I knew if I did, there would be zero listening involved. He unlocks our door, pushing it wide, and it slams into the wall. I enter behind him and quietly close the door, then break the cardinal rule.
“Why are you so angry? What did I do this time?” I ask.
“You have two drinks and then carry on like a teenager with him! You should have been at my side all night! This was my night and you made it about you!” Hunter barks.
“How did I do that, exactly? I was perfect. You dressed me perfect. I know how to work these parties and you can thank my dad for that! I was talking to Connor. You know Connor and I are friends. I’m not allowed to speak to my friends now? You wouldn’t have even cared had he been a female.”
I finally take off my shoes and toss them aside. “You were working the room, Hunter. I needed air. Connor and I wanted to catch up and send his boyfriend David a picture of us. He missed him. He wanted him to feel a part of the night since he was working his job in New York. Gee, go figure, a couple that supports each other in their dreams. What a novel concept!”
The minute my rant was over, I regretted it. Hunter stalks over to me and takes hold of my knotted ponytail… hard. He barks like a rabid dog, “Do you like embarrassing me? Do you like making me so angry I could…” He doesn’t finish his sentence. I know how it ends.
I lay my hand on his chest, over his pounding heart. I can see the vein of his neck. He’s about to snap. I need to act fast. While Hunter has me to gain standing with my father, he wants his position and power more. Until that time, his power is asserted over me. Sex is never for my pleasure anymore, only for his. That will be the only way to fix this.
I summon all the courage I have to speak softly. “I’m sorry. It was a misunderstanding. I don’t want the night ruined. We could… I mean… Do you want to? I’m all dressed the way you like.”
The anger in his eyes morphs into a heat. He forces me back into the wall and begins to slide his hand beneath my dress. He lifts me by the back of my neck and his hand behind my leg. He carries me to the bedroom and pushes me down on the bed, still in my gown. His hands are rough, much like his movements; painful even. I try to go to a different place mentally. Quickly, I conjure a fantasy in my head. It’s always the same fantasy… a man who will love me for who I am unconditionally rather than try to mold and bend me into someone I’m not. This time, that doesn’t work. It hurts too much. I take to counting the dots on the ceiling. He doesn’t even realize, nor does he care.
He finishes, rather quickly, and climbs off my body, proud of himself. I’m left lying in the middle of the bed with my gown all wrinkled in a mess around my hips. He meticulously hangs his tux back up. I still haven’t moved. He hasn’t said a word or even looked at me, and I feel completely void. He strides back from the bathroom, naked.
I sit up and try to readjust my clothing. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My hair is all over the place, my makeup is staining my cheeks. I don’t know this person. She looks like me but I’m vacant. He tilts my chin up to direct my attention to him. With a kiss to my forehead, he half-growls, “You always know what I need.” He doesn’t even say goodnight, and certainly not “I love you.”
Now I am awake in the middle of the night, yet again… alone. I won’t be able sleep for the millionth night in a row. I look over at Hunter and he’s already sleeping peacefully while I’m anything but. He looks so handsome, which is so confusing to me because I allow myself to silently say what I’ve felt for a long time… I hate him, and I. Am. Done.
I slowly slide off the bed and reach in the bottom drawer of my bedside table. I know I’m twenty-five, but I still have a special blanket. It always makes me feel safe. My mother gave it to me a long time ago. It was the softest yarn she could find and it’s our favorite color—lilac. However, this is another thing under Hunter’s control. I’m not allowed to have it out. It doesn’t “go” with our décor. It’s childish. So, it’s hidden; much like me.
I shed the memories of tonight as I shed the fabric from my skin. I wrap up in my blanket and venture out into the kitchen. I open the fridge and opt for a glass of wine, then settle into the leather chair by the balcony.
The snow is quietly falling again outside over the Mississippi River. The lights from the Guthrie Theater are illuminating my view. Minneapolis looks beautiful, even covered in the latest snow, but I’m so over it at this point. I’m finally over a lot.
I stare at the river and I find this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I need to make this change. I need to get away from Hunter and start over, but I know I can’t do that here. Even though it’s nearly three a.m., I need to know if it’s too late. I grab my cell and dial the one person who holds my “get out of jail free” card. I hope, even at this hour, that’s true.
Rebecca answers on the fourth ring. “Lex, are you all right?”
I can’t answer her question. “Is that job still open in Atlanta? I wanted to call Camryn, but I know she’d ask too many questions considering the hour. I need an answer now. She said I could ask you. Please tell me I can still have it.” I’m praying she can’t hear my tears.
“Wait what? Slow down. Why? What happened, Lex?” I can hear her tone switch on a dime. “I swear to God, I will fly up there and kick his ass myself! He’s an ungrateful, abusive asshole!”
I still for a second, making sure the noise I heard wasn’t him. I whisper, “Becs, please… Is it still open?”
I can hear her swallow her anger. “Yes, I was on the phone with Camryn around dinner, and she was asking if I’d heard from you. Are you seriously going to take the PA position?”
I pause for a second, but then state with absolute clarity, “Yes. I want it. I need it. I have to get out of here.”
“Then as soon as we hang up, I will set things in motion when I find Camryn. I’ll give her your answer and you two can work out the details. What are you going to tell your father?”
“I’ll figure it out, Becs. I’ll just tell him that I needed a change, and this was it. I need to evade all questions about Hunter. That will only lead to bad things if all the truth comes out right now.”
“The bigger question then is, Lex, what are you going to tell Hunter?”
Without any hesitation, I fire off my truest thoughts, “Not a goddamn thing! I’m going to take what I need with me, box the rest, and send it to you. I’m going to do all this while he’s in trial this week. I’m not going to even say goodbye. He doesn’t deserve it. Leaving my ring behind should give him a clear indication.”
“Please let me kick his ass, Lex. I need to put my kickboxing class into practice.”
“Becs, I know you want to protect me and by doing this, you have. Tell Camryn I accept, have her call me after nine a.m. Hunter will for sure be gone by then. He has to be in court by eight. I’ll book my flight in the morning too. Remember after nine.”
After a long silence, I hear the words I really needed to hear. “Lex…I love you.”
Fear begins to set in. “I love you too, Becs…for life or longer.”
As I hang up, I’m trying to decide if all my tears are tears of sadness, of joy, or of fear. Probably a mixture of all of it. Now, I hope I can begin to be who I want to be and heal. I can repeat those words constantly and I won’t believe them. I’ve lived looking over my shoulder and in fear for too long. I finally refuse to do it anymore.
THE HOUSE I spend on the I-20 in the morning and at night are my sanctuary. I pull my ballcap down as far as I can and still see, slide my aviators on, and my earbuds in. Thank fuck for ride share. It keeps me from having to navigate any of the Atlanta traffic. I
don’t have to drive at all. I can work my script, or sleep, which has still been in short supply. My head is never quiet. Between the boss, my team, Quinn, Father…the ghosts… I just need a minute. Even one minute would help clear my head.
We had an overnight shoot last night. It was the perfect way to distance myself from everything. It was an all-out battle to leave my parents in Buckhead. Initially them having a house here in Atlanta was about my recovery. The longer we were together, I could see the tides turn. Father was sizing up the situation. Was I damaged goods? Our last fight was the final straw. Once I was sure Mom was settled and safe, I was out. I decided that living with the memories was a hell of a lot easier than the fucked-up mess I was being subjected to.
The hiatus ending couldn’t have come faster, even with its strings…so many fucking strings. I push my earbuds in deeper to drown the bullshit. I turn toward the sun and remember what an angel once told me: “Close your eyes and breathe.” I start chanting it to myself. I let my head drop forward; the breaths can’t stop the voices that scream from inside. “You’re weak. You will play your part. You have no control. She’s never coming back.” I jerk awake. I must have dozed off. My heart is pounding hard in my chest. Every time, it’s the same fucking dream. Only it wasn’t a dream. We don’t get to have our happy ending at the end of the hour. It’s real life…my life.
It takes me a minute to realize that we’ve stopped. The driver pulls me back into the here and now, and climbs from the car with me, popping the trunk so I can grab my bag and my fittings for the week. Elaine…my Lainey loved Piedmont Park. It’s just northeast of Downtown between Midtown and Virginia Highland. The neighborhood had a small town feel but so central to everything that there was always something going on. Her favorite thing, besides walking our chocolate lab Diesel, was to open the balcony doors and listen to the outside. I want to get lost just staring into the park. It’s two hundred acres of pure heaven. The cars going by, the breeze blowing in, the dogs barking…but most of all, the laughter of the children, whether they were running, jumping, playing, or simply just being loud, noisy, amazing children.
As the car pulls away, I hear another familiar sound. It’s the chatting howl of my beast, Diesel, who is pulling Troy up the street. Troy and his partner Tanner have been more than neighbors. They are the best friends I have in this town. Troy and Lainey were like Will and Grace. They were the life of the party when the four of us were together. Troy is the only one who truly knows the extent of the loss I feel. I think that’s why he keeps Diesel so often. It’s the way he stays connected to her, and I think he made a silent deal that he would take care of me since she couldn’t. Troy hollers at me to look out but it’s too late… all seventy-five pounds of chocolate lab puppy pounce on me.
It’s the first time I’ve smiled today.
Troy chuckles. “Dude, I warned you.”
I get hold of his leash again. “Not fast enough. I’ve told you your timing sucks.”
He tosses me a small key ring. “I brought your mail in too. I left it on the table. Have I mentioned how great it is to have you back?”
Finally getting up off the pavement, I say, “Every day the past two weeks, yeah. Thanks, man. I appreciate it.”
“Hey uhhhh, if you don’t feel like eating alone, Tanner and I still usually get our shit together by about seven. You know the door’s always open.”
“I’m good,” I lie. “I will be good. I just need to…be…for a bit. You know?”
“She wouldn’t want you to be isolated, Jules. She’d hate it. Honestly, I do too. Just think about dinner. For me…please?”
“How about I say rain check and I promise soon?” I hope that will pacify him.
He instantly calls me on my shit. “You’re a liar. But I’ll take it. I’ll catch you later.”
He gives me a hug and I let him, but uneasily. I haven’t liked to be touched. I used to but not since she left. I lightly tug on Diesel’s leash, and he follows quickly. I give a small wave to the doorman as we pass by, headed for the elevator. My heart starts to pound harder with each floor we climb. When will this end? I know Diesel senses it because he puts a paw out for me to hold.
“We can do this, boy. We can.” I’m saying those words out loud for me. Every day, the same words.
The elevator ride is always a blur. Those doors ping open and out of habit, I let the pup off his leash and he runs right for our door. Diesel bounds back, encouraging me to follow.
“All right, all right, I get it. I’m coming.” I look down the hall at the last door on the right. There are exactly thirty-three steps between me and my new existence.
I slide my key into the lock and go in. I still expect her form and voice to greet me but, as has become my other habit, I remind myself it won’t happen.
***
“Hit three if you have a free hand, Lex,” Rebecca begs from behind two boxes, and pushing my suitcase on to the elevator.
I grunt a bit. “Yeah, I’ve got it.”
This is my building. Mine. Two weeks ago, I would have never thought this possible. Two long, yet short, weeks ago, I made either the dumbest or bravest decision of my twenty-five years. I didn’t know how I was going to escape. Even now that word sounds frightening. But I’m here…Midtown Atlanta. The sun is shining, the breeze is light, and it allows my lungs to fill with something I didn’t know I needed so badly…freedom.
But it comes with a price. My dad is upset; not only that, but he’s confused. This is the most upset I’ve seen him since Mom. He’s being supportive of my new direction because he knows it’s what I’ve always dreamed of. However, he doesn’t understand why I needed to leave so quickly, and why I left Hunter.
One day I’ll be able to tell him, but not now. I can’t admit to him that I went against all the values they’d ever instilled in me. I’m ashamed of it and myself. Also, my dad would have taken Hunter apart, both personally and professionally until there was nothing left. For some reason, I couldn’t do that to Hunter. I just wanted a clean break.
I told him to just let it go and left him with as little information as possible. I said the engagement was off. It came down to irreconcilable differences and that I needed fresh perspective. The only request I had was that Hunter didn’t know where I was. I told my dad that was best for both of us. We could both focus on our jobs easier that way and let things heal. He promised he would keep that secret. I also had to promise I was okay. That was the second lie.
The ding of the elevator on my floor makes me jump.
She reassures me, “He’s not here, Lex. This is all about you. Step off the elevator like you stepped out of his apartment, like you stepped on the airplane, like you climbed into my car. You’ve got this.”
“Have I told you how glad I am that you’re here?”
“About a thousand and one times, but a thousand and two is just fine. Now, if you don’t move your ass, I’m going to end up dropping this on you.”
I laugh. “Okay, okay! Where am I moving said ass to?”
“Second door on the left, 321.”
321… sounds fitting. It’s like a countdown, countdown to a new life. I fumble with the key in the lock and open the door. It swings wide and I start to cry. I look around my one bedroom. Every picture on each table, every pillow, poster, and color on the walls was perfect. It was perfectly me. I set down my extra bag and the box I was carrying and cover my face. “This is so beautiful, Becca. Thank you.”
“Hey.” I hear her boxes hit the floor. “Don’t do that. You’ve done enough of that. He’s not here. He can’t find you. He can’t hurt you anymore. This is your place to be safe. I will make sure of it.”
I try and pull it together. “I know that in my head. But it’s going to take time for my heart and soul to feel it. I’m going to look for him around every corner for a while.”
“Trust me when I say, he won’t get within fifty feet of you. You have Shana and Aaron keeping track of him in Minneapolis, and I will have you i
n my sight here. The worry is not yours anymore. The only thing you need to do is put these couple of boxes up, unpack these suitcases, and breathe. Work starts in two days. You finally have everything you need.”
She’s right. I do. I haven’t had that since I moved in with Hunter. Even thinking his name now makes me sick. I was most happy to see all my journals made the trip intact. I took a real sense of pride seeing them, one by one, in rows on my new bookshelf. I don’t have to choose or hide my words ever again… well, at least in my own home.
TODAY IS ONE of those hard days. I wish there had been a better time to take this job. Not only is Mom’s birthday a week away, it’s also the first Easter Sunday Daddy has been without Mom and me at the same time. He said he was fine on the phone, but I knew better. I could tell that he was beyond sad. I told him it was a bright sunny day here and that I did go to church as I promised. I told him I had Mom around my neck and I was going to have dinner with Rebecca later, so I wouldn’t be alone. That seemed to appease him some. I loved hearing him telling me he was proud of me almost more than that he loved me today. I still have so many unknowns.
Tomorrow is the first day of my new job. I’m so excited, nervous, scared, and thrilled that I don’t know what to do. My stomach is doing flips, so I hope fresh air will help. I set my phone down and choose my balcony. This is already my first new ritual. It’s the first day of April and I’m outside. I’m usually still in a parka that weighs more than I do. It’s unseasonably warm for a Georgia April, or so I’ve been hearing. I changed into jogging shorts and a t-shirt when I got back. I’d still be praying for this kind of weather in May up north. I sit, overlooking Piedmont Park, and watch seas of people running through the grass after their kids, or with their dogs, and even doing timed trials on the track. Maybe I should try it… the running, not the timed trials. I laugh at myself for even thinking it. For once, I would be running for something instead of away from it. All right, girl…let’s find your kicks and take them for a spin.