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Tired Of Surviving

Page 7

by Naomi Amanda


  The view of the lake was breathtaking. The water looked black under the dark night sky but the moon illuminated it, reflecting in the still water. The stars twinkling in the sky shone in the water too and I caught myself gawking at it. I wished I lived here so I could spend my nights staring at the beauty of the lake. That was when I noticed a wooden pier a little to my right.

  Smiling to myself that I had escaped the awkwardness of the party and done Susan a favor by disappearing, I picked up my dress so I wouldn’t step on it and made my way to the pier. I willed myself not to twist my ankle on the cobblestone that led to it. As I reached the pier, I stepped onto it with one foot, putting my weight on it just to make sure that it was stable despite its old look. I wished Laura was with me.

  She would love it as much as I did. We both had a thing for swimming and star gazing. If I told her about the lake, she’d joke about how I should have been nicer to Logan. Then maybe he would have invited us home and we’d be able to swim in the lake and laze around on the pier.

  The wooden pier seemed steady so I placed my other foot on it and made my way to the front of it, right up to the edge. I looked down into the water which looked like a bottomless pit of darkness and wondered how it would feel to jump in when I heard footsteps behind me, drawing closer and closer. Just as I turned around, I felt a pair of arms circle around my waist, pulling me backward. Fear rose from my stomach to my throat but I bit my tongue, holding back a scream and the metallic taste of my own blood filled my mouth. I prayed to God that it wasn’t Susan who had come to find me but then again, Susan was more likely to push and drown me than pull me to safety.

  I heard a distinct ‘oof’ as the person fell onto the wooden pier, taking me down with them. When I opened my eyes, I found myself staring up at Logan and my cheeks heated at the close proximity of our bodies.

  “What the hell?” I asked, scrambling to get up only to get my legs caught up in my dress.

  “What do you think you’re doing?” he demanded and I gaped at him as he sat up, lifting me up with him so I was in his lap instead.

  “What am I doing?” I asked in disbelief. “What the hell do you think you’re doing? You’re the one who grabbed me!”

  “Yeah, so you don’t jump into the freaking lake!” he exclaimed as I moved off his lap and onto the wood underneath us.

  He stood up, dusting invisible dust off his pant suit and I struggled to get my dress high enough to get to my feet. Watching me struggle, he slipped his hands under my arms and picked me up with ease, setting me on my feet as if I was a little kid.

  “Why would I jump in the lake?” I asked him, giving him a confused look and it took him a minute but his face lit up like a Christmas tree, making me realize what he had been thinking. “I’m not suicidal, Logan and even if I was, I wouldn’t come all the way to your house – to a party your parents invited me to jump into your lake.”

  The bitterness in my voice shocked us both and I clamped my mouth shut.

  “Sorry, I wasn’t thinking,” he said, stepping backward as if he was about to leave. “You were leaning over and I didn’t think before I acted-”

  “Don’t go,” I blurted out before he could turn around.

  I felt my face burn with embarrassment and guilt.

  I looked around but there wasn’t a person in sight. Everyone else was inside so how did he figure where I was? Had he asked around if anyone had seen me? My heart jumped to my throat at the thought of him asking Susan or my father where I was.

  “You don’t want to be seen with me, right?” he asked, the sound of hurt evident in his voice. “I'll go and you should come in after a while. Dinner will be served after half an hour.”

  Okay, so maybe he wasn’t stupid enough to ask anyone where I was.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, staring down at my feet. “I was too harsh on you. I blamed you for something that wasn’t your fault-”

  “I don’t want to play games, Chey,” he said and I felt my cheeks burn at the sound of his voice saying my nick name. “I just missed you is all. I thought we could be friends again but I was wrong. I didn’t know Susan was still mistreating you and I didn’t know that it was because of me-”

  “Wait,” I deadpanned, my heart stopping. “How did you…” I trailed off, gaping at him as he scratched the back of his neck. “What do you mean by still?”

  “You don’t remember?” he asked, guilt flashing across his face and I shook my head. “Then it’s better you don’t-”

  “Tell me,” I cut him off and he shook his head, stepping away. “Logan. Tell me now.”

  “If you don’t remember then maybe it’s for the best, okay?” He stared at his feet. “I’ll see you around.”

  “Wait!” I grabbed the sleeve of his suit jacket. “I’m sorry about last week. Truth is-” I took a deep breath and readied myself for either him telling me that he didn’t want to be friends with me anymore or for him to laugh in my face. “-I want to be friends with you but she thinks that I’ll ruin things for my father’s election.”

  “What have I got to do with it?” he asked and I dropped my hand to my side.

  “I honestly don’t know,” I admitted.

  “So she hurt you because she heard about me hanging around you?” he asked and I nodded as he turned around to face me again. “I’m sorry-”

  “It’s not your fault,” I said quickly, feeling tears burn my eyes. No. I couldn’t embarrass myself by crying in front of him. “And if you don’t want to be-”

  “Can we be friends in private?” he asked and my heart fluttered as his eyes found mine. “We can hang out at someone else’s house so no one sees. We can talk in class since no one will bother talking about that. We could hang out at my house since my parents are never here.”

  “You’d do all that for me?” I asked, a tear escaping my eye and he stepped forward, decreasing the space between us and wiped it away.

  “Don’t ruin your make-up,” he said simply. “You look beautiful tonight, by the way.”

  I ducked my head but his hand was still cupping my cheek so he tilted my head up, forcing me to look at him and for a second, I wanted him to kiss me. The setting was perfect – beneath the stars. We were both dressed up and the close proximity of his body was starting to make my hands sweaty.

  “T-thanks,” I stammered, his lips inches away from mine.

  I wouldn’t even need to move much to touch them and I actually didn’t need to because before I knew it, his lips were on mine.

  My eyes widened in surprise before they fluttered closed and I felt warmth course through my body, leaving a tingle in its wake. I felt my lips move against his and he let out a soft growl and before I knew it, my knees were weak and he was holding me up. He pulled me even closer and I prayed that he wouldn’t be able to feel my racing heart. But he didn’t seem to notice as his hand snaked from my waist up my exposed skin, the warmth of his hand causing goosebumps to erupt all over my body.

  And then, just as fast as it had started, he stopped kissing me and pulled away, both of us breathing hard and his face as bright red as mine. He ran a hand through his hair after stepping away.

  “Shit,” he choked out. “I’m sorry. I’m – uh – going to go back inside. I think you should fix your make-up before you come to the hall. I mean, it’s kind of smudged.”

  My hand instantly flew to my lips and he chewed his lower lip, which was actually more of a turn on for me. He turned around, jogging off the pier, onto the cobble stone and into the house.

  I hadn’t even finished my conversation with him. I wasn’t sure whether I was forgiven or not. I didn’t know whether he was really going to go out of the way to be friends with me in secret.

  Apart from all of those thoughts, the one that rang out was – Laura wasn’t going to believe me.

  Chapter 11

  “He did not!” Laura exclaimed later than night when she came to pick me up from the lake house.

  I hushed her until she drove away from
his house and onto the main street. I was sure Susan would watch us until we were gone. I turned around in my seat to look behind us and watched as my father’s car turned in the other direction and took off toward the highway that drove out of town. Then I turned around again to find Laura grinning at me instead of looking straight ahead.

  “Eyes on the road, Grinning Gaby,” I joked and she turned.

  “Was it awesome?” she asked and I tried to contain my excitement. “Tell me how hot that kiss was.”

  “It wasn’t like-” I trailed off and let out a frustrated groan. “I was apologizing and he was suggesting ways for us to meet without Susan knowing and then all of a sudden, he was kissing me.”

  “Admit it, you liked it.” She giggled and I wanted to smack her because she was right.

  “I wanted him to kiss me!” I exclaimed, my whole body warming up as the image of him kissing me filled my mind. “And he did and then he ran off like he made a mistake. I feel like an idiot for wanting it.”

  “Aww! He’s shy!” she gushed and I really did smack her this time. “Ow! What?! It’s cute!”

  “Not for me.” I shook my head. “Do you know how stupid I felt? Standing there and watching him jog off? I had to sit through the entire dinner thinking about it and keeping my eyes on the floor.”

  “I’m sure he doesn’t think that it was a mistake.” She shook her head. “I told you he likes you-”

  “Shut up and drive.” I sighed and sunk lower in my seat, closing my eyes against the tiredness I felt and hoping that we’d reach her house soon.

  I ended up dozing off in the car and only woke up when she stopped driving and parked in the garage of her house. She shook me awake even though my eyes were already opened and we got out of the car.

  I took a deep breath of the cool air, trying to shake off the weird, empty feeling that clung to my chest. I didn’t remember what I had dreamt about during my small nap in the car but it made me feel weird.

  “I think my parents are already asleep so you can say hi to them in the morning,” Laura told me as we made our way up the stairs from the garage into her house.

  I nodded groggily as I slipped the heels off my feet so we could pad up the stairs quietly without waking up her parents. As we reached the second story of her house, the only light that illuminated some part of the hallway was the sliver of light coming from under the door of Laura’s bedroom.

  Laura pressed her finger to her lips, signing me to be as quiet as I could and I knew what she was trying to do by the evil glint in her eye. She wanted to scare the living daylights out of our friends so I smiled, shaking my head as I followed her to her bedroom. I prayed that they wouldn’t scream and wake up the entire neighborhood.

  She placed her hand on the knob of her door and very slowly turned it around, the click of the door unlocking so soft that it could be missed. I slipped onto the other side of the door, ready pounce into the room as she pushed the door open with a loud, “Boo!”

  I felt myself choke on the breath I had been holding as the image of our friends registered in my mind. Laura’s pretty wallpapered walls with pictures of us strung across the top of her bed on her fairy lights. Her beautifully carved headrest and springy bed, covered with a lacey bedsheet and pillows with Marika and Ava – with their lips on each other’s. Well, until we interrupted them and they jumped apart as if they had just been caught having sex by their parents.

  “What the hell?” Laura demanded and Ava’s face flushed pink.

  Marika looked like she was holding her breath as embarassment crossed her face. She held up a pillow against her chest as if she was holding a shield and Laura was going to attack her – which was actually possible. I hated that I wasn’t more shocked but I had kind of expected it. From the way Marika and Javier had broken up, the way he looked at her, the way she couldn’t shut up about Ava, the way Ava had stuck by her side and made Laura feel like she was choosing Ava’s friendship over ours. I knew something was up and honestly, the thought that they liked each other had kind of crossed my mind.

  “I can’t believe this-” Laura started, the anger evident on her face.

  “Laur, you’re overreacting.” I stepped in, putting an arm on her shoulder but she shrugged it off.

  “Am I?” she demanded, looking at the three of us in turn. “Our best friend is making out with a girl and-”

  “Laura!” I exclaimed, praying she’d shut up as I closed the door so she wouldn’t wake her parents up with her nonsense. “Don’t be rude-”

  “I’m not homophobic, you freak,” she snapped and then shot me an apologetic look. “I’m not mad that she’s a lesbian or whatever. I’m mad because she didn’t have the guts to tell her best friends about it.”

  “I think you should let her speak,” I said quietly, noticing Marika’s goldfish like expression – her mouth opening and closing while Ava sat in the corner, her face beet red.

  “Did you know?” She shot me an accusing look and I sighed.

  “She didn’t tell me,” I admitted. “But I did think it was possible-”

  “And you didn’t tell me?” she demanded and I narrowed my eyes at her, daring her to fight with me and she clamped her mouth shut.

  “I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know,” I explained. “Why would I talk about hypotheticals? Maybe you should calm down and we should talk about this – civilly.”

  She huffed and sat on her bed, kicking her shoes off.

  I sighed, strolling into her walk-in closet to keep her heels back. “Where’s my duffle, Laur? I want to change into something comfortable.”

  “Wear something from my closet,” she shot back. “I forgot your duffle in my car.”

  I slipped out of the dress, trying my best not to stretch or tear it. Then I hung it up on one end of the dress compartment of her closet.

  I was now used to Laura’s ginormous walk-in closet and knew exactly where everything was without having to look for it. I had a lot of clothes back home too, but not as many as Laura. Laura shopped like she had all the money in the world, picking up anything she liked. I, on the other hand, managed to buy my clothes by saving the money my father put in my debit card every month as an allowance.

  But none of that mattered because Laura let me borrow her clothes and enjoyed dressing me up whenever I stayed over at her house.

  I grabbed a pajama set from her closet and slipped the top over my head and the shorts up to my waist before stepping out to find the rest of my friends in the same position as when I had left them.

  “What the hell are you guys contemplating?” I asked them, making them all look up at me. “Just talk it out. Marika, tell us the whole story.”

  So she did. She rambled on so fast as if she was trying to fast forward to the moment after she told us everything. She told us about how she had spent a long time with Javier, making out and doing things that should have made her feel something. She told us about how she couldn’t feel any of those feelings until she met Ava during the summer break. She explained the rush of the emotions she felt and how she couldn’t force herself into believing that she was straight. She explained how Ava and her got together and how they decided to keep it a secret until she was ready to come out of the closet. She told us about how she was going to tell us on the first day of school but then she saw all the couples together and felt like she would be judged.

  “We would never judge you for something like this, Marika.” Laura took her hands in hers and I couldn’t help but smile to myself.

  Laura was always the tough one, saying what she felt without thinking twice and always ready to defend her friends, whether they were right or wrong. I wasn’t sure why Marika thought that we would judge her for liking girls but I wasn’t about to question it. I knew it would bring on another huge argument and discussion with Laura that I didn’t want to have. I was already too tired.

  “I’m sorry for not telling you guys.” Marika threw her arms around both of us. “But this can’t leave th
e room, okay? If rumors about this go around town, our parents will kill us.”

  We chuckled, pulling away and agreeing not to tell anyone.

  The house was cold – frigid like it was below freezing point; as if someone had left the door open on a snowy day.

  A little girl blew out a puff of visible air from her mouth as a little boy sat next to her, chomping down on a chocolate cookie he had taken from the kitchen when they noticed a car driving up the street.

  “Quick, hide.” The little girl scrambled up, grabbing the boy by his coat.

  They ran into the house as the car drove into the drive-way and into the garage. The little girl dragged the little boy, giving him a little shove into the coat closet.

  “Stay there,” she whispered, closing the door and leaving him in the darkness as she plastered a huge smile on her face.

  She awaited the owner of the car who entered the house, a scowl on her face. The little girl looked up at the older woman who glared at her as she noticed the snow that had been brought into the house by the kids’ shoes.

  “I won’t be cleaning your mess,” the older woman seethed as she made her way into the kitchen.

  The little girl grabbed a rag and wiped the snow puddles on the floor when the older woman grabbed her by the collar of her jacket. She pulled her to her feet and then a few inches off the floor, the jacket choking the little girl.

  “Who said you could eat those cookies?” the woman hissed. “They weren’t for you.”

  “I-I-” The girl’s tiny hands struggled to tug at the jacket that was starting to suffocate her.

  “It’s time you learn your lesson.” She dropped the girl onto the floor and then reached for the girl’s pigtail, yanking her hair back so hard that the little girl cried out, wishing her friend would stay hidden in the closet. “Sluts like you and your mother need to know your place.”

  What happened next was a blur as the little girl let out a blood-curdling scream as the woman hit and bruised her, the little girl’s eyes swarming with little lights until the screaming stopped. The girl stopped struggling and fighting and darkness filled her eyes, leaving her unconscious.

 

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