Tired Of Surviving

by Naomi Amanda

  “Cheyenne!” a voice called out. “Chey, wake up. Chey-”

  My eyes snapped open at the sound of the urgency in the person’s voice and the feeling of someone shaking me awake. When my eyes focused, I noticed three girls staring at me, their eyes wide and worried.

  “Are you okay?” Ava asked me and I blinked at her.

  I wondered what had happened until I tried to sit up and realized that I was drenched in my own sweat, the thin material of Laura’s pajamas sticking to my body like a second skin.

  “What happened?” I asked them, feeling the sweat on my scalp as it ran down my neck. My throat felt dry and rough.

  “You were screaming in your sleep, Chey,” Laura told me. “You almost deafened me.”

  “You scared the shit out of all of us,” Marika added.

  “Just a nightmare. I’m sorry for scaring you guys,” I apologized.

  “Do you remember what it was?” Laura still looked concerned. “You were grabbing at your neck and screaming like someone was trying to kill you.”

  Someone was trying to kill me, I thought but didn’t speak.

  Instead I lied, “No,” even though the dream was still vivid in my mind. “I don’t remember.”

  “Alright.” Marika yawned. “Let’s get back to bed. We’ll talk about it in the morning.”

  I waited until all of them were back in bed and Laura’s breathing evened out. I listened for Marika’s soft snore from her sleeping bag on the floor before slipping out of bed and into Laura’s bathroom to wash off the stickiness that covered my body.

  It took me a long time to be able to fall asleep again. The images of the little girl being lifted off the ground by her collar flashed in my mind, along with the sound of her shrill scream as she was beaten. And for a brief moment, the little girl’s hazel eyes flashed in agony as she screamed and I felt sick to my stomach at the thought of the little girl being me. She had the same eyes and the same brown hair, the only difference being how she tried so hard to please the woman – Susan.

  And as soon as I thought about Susan, the older woman’s face became clear. It was her. It was Susan and the little girl was me. And the image became so clear, it almost made me want to scream again. They weren’t nightmares. They were memories.

  So who was the little boy?

  Chapter 12

  The next two weeks passed in a blur of cheerleading practice, catching up in classes and talking to Logan only during school hours. I didn’t have any way to meet him after school because of Susan’s hawk eyes. Plus Laura thought it would be better if we eased into the whole ‘spending time with him outside of school' thing. Not that I had much time or energy left after cheer practice to sneak around. Especially due to the nightmares that had started to haunt me every single night and leave me sleep deprived.

  The homecoming game and dance were just around the corner and we had to train the new members. And thanks to Laura, we were on the dance committee, which meant we had to work extra hours to plan for the dance.

  I had made my animosity for Laura visible through the week leading up to homecoming by complaining and talking to her brusquely but I couldn’t hold onto my anger for her. She convinced Susan and my father to let me stay at her house for the entire week which meant that I didn’t have to be home at all.

  I didn’t have to be abused for coming home late because of practice or decorating the gym for homecoming. I didn’t have to be watched like a hawk at all times and I got to go out for lunch and dinner with Laura and her family. I didn’t have to get hurt by mistake while doing my chores.

  But most of all, it gave me more time with Logan because he hung around after school just to talk to me. In a positive light, it brought us closer and we were no longer awkward around each other. In a negative light, my nightmares became more reoccurring which led to screaming which led to Laura’s puffy face and bags under her eyes that she never failed to throw in my face.

  “So, has Logan still not asked you to the dance yet?” Marika asked me the night before homecoming.

  “He doesn’t have to,” I brushed it off even though a small part of me had been wishing that he would. “I mean, he probably has a line of girls wanting to go with him and we did plan to go as a group-”

  “Firstly,” she cut me off as I lay down on the wooden gym floor to stare up at the glittery stars that dangled from the ceiling. “He barely even looks at any other girl. Except for like maybe me, Ava and Laura and that’s only because he hangs out with us – because of you.”

  “That is so not true,” I shot back even though I found myself smiling at the thought. “And if you guys were right about him liking me, he would have asked me already-”

  “Sounds like you badly want him to ask you to the dance.” Laura stalked into the gym, Ava trailing behind her with a small box containing the last of the decorations.

  “Shut up,” I snapped. “I do not.”

  “You can’t lie to me, Chey.” She tsked at me.

  “Did you tell him that we were going as a girl group?” Ava asked and I mentally smacked myself.

  “Maybe,” I muttered, my voice full of guilt and regret.

  “So there’s your reason, pea-brain.” Laura laughed. “He doesn’t want to ruin our all-girl plan.”

  “He could have at least-” I closed my eyes and silently cursed myself. “Agh. Screw it.”

  “Why don’t you ask him to the dance?” Marika suggested and I narrowed my eyes at her.

  She knew me enough to know that I’d never muster up enough courage to ask him out.

  “You don’t have to worry about going with us,” Ava piped in. “I mean, even if the two of us went together, it doesn’t mean we’re coming out of the closet.”

  “Well, I think it’s cool that the two of you are together,” Laura chirped, taking the box from Ava. “Not that the small minded jerks at our school wouldn’t give you guys shit for it. It’s better to keep it private.”

  “But still, think about it.” Marika got to her feet and looked down at me. “Try to ask him tonight and then he can watch the game with us and we can all go to the dance after.”

  “I don’t know,” I trailed off, just as the gym doors swung open.

  All four of us turned to see who entered the gym. It was off limits for anyone who wasn’t on the dance committee and I was pretty sure that we had been the only four students still on the premises.

  “Logan!” Laura cooed and I quickly sat up, smoothening my hair back in place.

  Marika and Ava looked at me, a smile playing on Ava’s tinted pink lips while Marika threw suggestive looks at me.

  “Whoa, this place looks amazing,” he breathed and I noticed that he was holding two packets in his hands. “You guys did an amazing job.”

  “And you ruined the surprise by coming a day early,” Laura joked.

  “Is that food?” Ava perked up at the sight of the packets in his hands.

  “Yeah.” He chuckled, placing them on the floor, in front of me. “It's pretty late and I thought you guys would be hungry.”

  “That’s so thoughtful of you.” Marika grinned. “Ava’s been complaining about her grumbling stomach for hours.”

  “I barely ate lunch!” she exclaimed in defense while handing Laura pieces of tape to stick up the last of the decorations.

  “You ate two bologna sandwiches,” I pointed out since I couldn’t finish more than one. “And fries.”

  “That was just a snack.” Ava grinned as Logan dropped to the floor beside me, sitting cross-legged.

  “Then let’s start eating,” Logan told her. “Fried chicken tastes best when it’s hot.”

  Ava helped Laura step off of the stool that she had been standing on and they joined us on the floor while Logan pulled out two buckets of fried chicken and five cans of soda.

  “So about our girl-group plan for homecoming,” Laura said slowly with a nervous laugh. “K.J. kind of asked me to the dance.”

  “Really, Laura?” Marika asked, r
aising an eyebrow. “Didn’t you just end things with Dayle?”

  “That was weeks ago,” she retorted even though that was hardly a defense. “And we can still go as a group, just that I’ll have a date.”

  Marika and Ava shared a look before Marika snuck a glance at me.

  “Okay, we’re fine with it,” Marika said finally. “Right, Chey?”

  I rolled my eyes, knowing exactly what they were up to. They were pretending that it was totally fine so that I would try to build the courage and ask Logan out. Then we’d all go as a group. Well, the joke was on them because I still couldn’t do it.

  “Whatever.” I sighed because I knew Laura wouldn’t ditch us for a guy but I also knew that she would feel bad if we ruined her plans.

  When we were done eating, we cleaned up and left the gym. As soon as we left the school building, I felt goosebumps erupt on my entire body from a cold gush of wind. I wrapped my arms around myself and followed behind my friends, wondering how none of them felt cold when we were all wearing our cheerleading uniforms.

  “So, get a good night’s rest for the game tomorrow,” Laura told Marika and Ava as we walked into the parking lot. “We don’t need any screw-ups due to sleep deprivation, especially if you want to make the varsity team.”

  “I said I was sorry!” I threw my hands up into the air. “I’ll just sleep in your guest room tonight.”

  “Can I talk to you?” Logan asked suddenly and my friends shared a look before I nodded.

  I left Laura at her car before stepping aside to hear Logan out.

  “What’s up?” I asked casually, even though I had my heart in my throat, wishing that he was going to ask me to the dance.

  Yes, I was a hopeless romantic who wanted to be with a guy even though my monster of a step-mother would probably have my head for it.

  “Are you still having nightmares?” he asked me and I frowned despite myself. Was that what he wanted to ask?

  “It doesn’t bother me anymore,” I said lightly. “I’ve gotten used to them. Laura hasn’t though.”

  “Last week when you told me about your nightmares,” he started, kicking a stray stone with his shoe. “You said something about another bo-”

  I felt myself shiver against another cold gush of wind while I tried to pay attention to him.

  “-you okay?” he asked and I raised an eyebrow at him.

  “Yeah, it’s just gotten a bit chilly outside.” I shook my head with a smile.

  Autumn was actually a beautiful season in Northwynne. Even though it got evidently colder and darker earlier in the evenings, I liked how I could see the different colors of the sky earlier in the evening – mixes of blue, pink, purple and orange. I liked how the leaves on the trees changed from green to yellows, oranges and browns and eventually shed off, filling the streets with the pretty colors.

  While I thought about the seasons changing, Logan had already shrugged off his black and grey hoodie. My eyes widened as he pulled it around my shoulders and then stepped away.

  “Thanks,” I murmured. “You were saying?”

  “Nothing.” He forced a half-smile. “It’s not important right now.”

  “Logan-” I started but got cut off by my friends who obviously couldn’t give me time to build courage.

  “Chey! Come on, we’re going to be late!” Laura yelled from the other end of the parking lot. “We need our sleep.”

  I internally groaned but sighed out loud, turning to make my way toward them when Logan grabbed my arm, sending a jolt of electricity through my body.

  “Wait, I wasn’t done,” he said quickly and then let go of my arm. “So about the dance-”

  I felt my heart jump to my throat. He was finally going to ask if I would go with him. Or so I willed him to.

  “-is it fine if I join you guys?” he finished and I tried my hardest not to smile. “I mean, since Laura is bringing K.J. along. Maybe I could be your date – only if you’re okay-”

  “Okay,” I cut him off and he looked taken aback.

  “Okay?” he asked and I nodded, a small smile on my lips. “Really?”

  “Really,” I laughed. “Now let’s go before I turn into a popsicle.”

  He chuckled as I turned to return to our friends. He followed behind me and when we reached them, I wanted to smack my friends’ silly. They were grinning from ear to ear, making it pretty freaking obvious that they knew what we had talked about.

  “Can we go now?” Laura asked, eyeing Logan’s hoodie around my shoulders. “It’s pretty chilly right now.”

  “We’ll see you at the game tomorrow,” I told Logan quickly, feeling the need to get away from the awkward situation my friends were putting me in.

  I started to take his hoodie off but he put his hand on mine.

  “Wear it,” he said softly. “Return it later.”

  I felt my cheeks heat up and the warmth spread through my entire body. I nodded and he stepped away.

  “See you guys tomorrow,” he said quickly and then turned to make his way toward his car.

  “Oh my God,” Laura breathed as soon as he was out of ear shot. “Your face is freaking red! I never thought I’d see the day that you – Cheyenne – would blush because of a guy.”

  “Screw you, Laur,” I snapped jokingly. “Did you purposely tell us about K.J. in front of him because you knew he’d ask me out then?”

  “No, he told me he was going to ask you to the dance a few days ago,” she said in a sing-song voice. “K.J. just happened to ask me out yesterday when he found out that Dayle and I weren’t going together.”

  “He told you?” I demanded, feeling a pang of jealousy. “Since when does he tell you things like that?!”

  “Since I blatantly asked him whether he had a date.” She cackled. “And he said he was building the nerve to ask someone and I guessed that it was you.”

  “Why would you do that?!” I shook my head in disbelief.

  “He asked you, didn’t he?” she exclaimed in defense. “Don’t lie. You wanted to go with him.”

  “That is so not – okay, fine.” I groaned. “But it’s so embarrassing. Promise you won’t do that again. He was probably humiliated.”

  “He laughed it off,” she said with a straight face. “Not everyone is neurotic like you.”

  I flipped her off and opened the passengers’ side door to her car. I couldn’t believe she had done something like that and hadn’t even told me about it. Probably because I would have overreacted back then and she wanted him to ask me before I went crazy on her. Had him asking me to the dance made me go easy on her?

  When we got to Laura’s house, we both showered and changed into our pajamas before we climbed into her king sized bed.

  “He really likes you, you know?” Laura spoke softly while I tried to find a comfortable position to sleep in.

  “Why do you think that?” I asked. “Just because he asked me to the dance? Or did you bluntly ask him that, too?”

  “I’m sorry, okay?” She laughed. “I didn’t think it was such a big deal. And I know he likes you because he never stops sneaking glances at you. I’ve seen the way he looks at you when you talk or you smile, like it’s the greatest thing ever. When you started opening up to all of us about Susan and your nightmares, his fear and worry for you was so visible on his face.”

  “You guys worry about me, too,” I pointed out.

  “You’ve not been the only one getting close to Logan, Chey.” She sighed. “I talk to him a lot, too. And trust me, I can tell when a guy is falling for my best friend.”

  I felt my heart throb in my chest, beating a little harder than usual while I tried to make out figures in the dark. I wanted to believe what she was telling me because I was starting to fall for Logan, too, but I was scared. I was scared to like him and I was scared of him liking me because I knew we couldn’t be together. Not when Susan was breathing down my neck. Not when she was getting more violent by the day, which would get worse if she found out I was friends wit
h Logan. My father's mayoral election was getting closer, too.

  “I can also tell when my best friend is falling for the same guy,” she whispered. “Let yourself live, Chey. We’ll help you.”

  “What if it doesn’t work?” I asked in a small voice, pulling her comforter up to my chin.

  “What if it does?”

  Chapter 13

  The homecoming game had to be the best game our football players had ever played in their four years of high school. The amount of energy our players had put into the game had barely given the opponent team a chance to score. The winner was inevitably our Northwynne Knights.

  “Knights, stand up! Stand up and scream!” I started to lead my cheerleading team for the last cheer of the afternoon.

  Laura stepped forward to take over the cheer with Marika, leading the rest of the girls into the dance moves as Ava and I stepped to the side and did triple front flips from opposite ends and then joined the group again.

  “The best, yeah, we’re yelling for the number one team! Let’s hear it for the Knights!” Laura cheered until Ava and I were back in place.

  “The blue and white. Number one, that’s what we said. The best, yeah, alright,” I joined in with her until the dance was over. “Go blue – Fight white! Let’s go Knights. Go big blue – Let’s fight!”

  We did a number of tumbles, flips, cartwheels and jumps until the end of the song. Then we prepared ourselves for the pyramid that we had been practicing all week. Marika and Laura were held by two girls each on the side, holding opposite legs up in the air. I was on the top of the center pyramid, with my pompoms in my hands, which I threw up into the air at the end of the song.

  The crowd irrupted into loud applause, claps and whistles when we finished and then I was lowered onto the ground. I let go of the breath I had been holding. Nothing had gone wrong. Everything had been done perfectly. Our football team had won. We had successfully done all our cheers with no mistakes.