Tired Of Surviving

by Naomi Amanda

  Logan slipped into the bed, laying us down so my head was resting on his chest. He kept his arm around me, stroking my hair gently while I listened to the beating of his heart.

  I liked the thought of it – going to colleges in the same city. But if Harvard was what Logan wanted, I would never hold him back. Harvard was just a little too big of a dream for me to even reach it but he could. Even though I wanted to be close to him, because as Laura had said – distance in a relationship didn’t always end well – I knew that our careers had to come first.

  I looked up at Logan and he smiled down at me, placing a kiss on my forehead and eventually, I fell asleep in his arms – this time, without any nightmares.

  Chapter 17

  I had a splitting headache in the morning and I wasn’t sure whether I had to blame the alcohol or the nightmare that hadn’t let me sleep properly. But there was something weird about it. Once I had slept in Logan’s arms, feeling warm and safe, I had gotten through the night without another nightmare.

  “She didn’t wake up screaming again?” I heard Laura ask Logan the next morning.

  The two of them were setting glasses of orange juice in front of everyone while Ava cooked some eggs, bacon and toast for everyone. Marika looked like she had woken up on the wrong side of the bed and Dayle had left earlier that morning since he had left his car at Jay's house.

  “No, she didn’t even wake up,” Logan answered as I stretched my hand out for the glass of orange juice but he skipped me and placed it in front of his plate. “This is for you.”

  “What is that?” I eyed the glass of strange green liquid.

  “My special hangover remedy,” he answered, smiling. “It really works.”

  “I’m trusting you,” I said slowly, narrowing my eyes at him.

  I took the glass from him and gulped it down, an odd mix of flavors filling my mouth. I tried my best not to gag with the smell of it. I swallowed all of it, placing the glass back onto the counter with a cringe on my face.

  “That was disgusting!” I exclaimed and he laughed, taking the glass away. “What the hell was that?”

  “Trust me, you don’t want to know.” He chuckled. “And I never said it tasted good.”

  I managed to change the taste in my mouth by eating Ava’s breakfast and his hangover drink actually did its work. After half an hour, my head didn’t hurt anymore and I felt normal again.

  Logan dropped us off at Laura’s house so she could drop me back home. I had to pick my stuff up and well, I couldn’t have Logan drop me home because Susan would be there.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow at school, okay?” Logan said as I unbuckled my seatbelt.

  Laura jumped out of the backseat, along with Marika and Ava, leaving me alone with Logan. He looked at me and smiled, a hint of an emotion I couldn’t place softening his expression.

  “Yeah, I’ll see you in school.” I smiled back, a feeling of warmth filling my chest. “Uh, bye-”

  I started to open the door but he held my hand. I turned around to look at him, raising an eyebrow. He leaned forward, placing a soft kiss on my cheek. When he pulled away, I stared at him wide eyed, color rushing up to my ears.

  “See you later, Chey,” he whispered, facing his steering wheel again.

  I cleared my throat awkwardly as I opened the car door and stepped out. Ava, Marika and Laura were already on the porch, watching us until I caught them staring. They pretended as if they were deep in conversation as I headed up the porch steps. I listened as Logan started his car and pulled out of the drive way and into the distance.

  “Don’t even say anything,” I warned as Laura rang the doorbell.

  “Good luck hiding your relationship.” Laura grunted. “Your face goes red if he even touches your hand.”

  “It does not,” I retorted.

  “It kind of does.” Ava laughed nervously. “But it’s cute.”

  I grunted at them as Laura’s mother opened the door to greet us. We said our hello’s and spoke to them for a while, telling them how our nights had gone before heading upstairs. Marika just grabbed her stuff in a rush, saying she had to leave before her parents grounded her and naturally, Ava left with her, too. I took my time washing up, changing into clean clothes and blow-drying my hair to make myself presentable. I didn’t want any of Susan’s snarky comments about how I looked like crap or was a disgrace to the family.

  “Are you sure you want to go back?” Laura asked as she dropped me home in the afternoon. “I mean, you can just stay over and go home after school tomorrow.”

  “I don’t want to piss off Susan,” I said quickly, fixing my hair into a pony tail. “We told her I’d be back today.”

  “Well, she’s always pissed off,” Laura pointed out. “And Chey – about Logan – I’m happy you guys are together and all but it’s going to be hard.”

  “I know,” I whispered, my heart wrenching at the thought.

  “Not just hiding your relationship from Susan,” she continued. “He knows more about your past than you do because he remembers and you don’t. He also knows how much Susan hurts you and he’s held back all this time because you kept pushing him away. But if he’s your boyfriend now, do you really think he’s just going to stand back and watch?”

  “I made it clear, didn’t I?” I asked her. “No one is to do anything. I’m going to try to live as quietly as I can. Then we’ll go off to college and everything will be okay.”

  “I know that you really care about Cody.” Her voice was suddenly strained. “But when are you going to start putting yourself first?”

  “I can take care of myself, Laur.” I hated that I sounded exasperated, like I was tired of having this conversation. “But Cody can’t and honesty, I don’t think I have it in me to take care of him either. I’m not ready for that nor am I old enough to be his legal guardian. And there’s just a few months left and we’ll be off to college.”

  “There’s more than half a year left, Chey.” She sighed. “But fine, I’m on your side. But you have to let us help when something goes wrong. Promise you’ll call one of us if something happens.”

  “You know I will,” I reassured her as she pulled into my driveway.

  When she parked, I noticed that Cody was outside, reaching into mailbox. He went all the way onto his tippy toes to get the mail, not noticing Laura’s car as it pulled up. He quickly skittered back into the house with his hands full of white envelopes. Laura watched him as I got out of the car and grabbed my bags from the backseat.

  “See you at school tomorrow,” I told her, shutting the car doors.

  She nodded but didn’t say anything. I waved her off as I made my way up the porch stairs but she waited until I was past the front door before she drove away.

  “I’m home,” I called out into the house, my voice echoing.

  “Cheyenne!” Cody bounced back out of the kitchen, his hands empty this time. “You’re back! I missed you!”

  I dropped my bags onto the floor and slipped onto my knees to reach his height. He ran toward me and I engulfed him in a hug. His chubby hands went around my shoulders and I smiled. At least one person missed me when I was gone.

  “How was your week?” I asked him, pulling away.

  “I learned a lot, drew a lot and we even went to grandma’s house.” He grinned. “I made drawings for all of them. I even made one for you!”

  He rushed back into the kitchen and I followed him, stopping short when I noticed Susan. She was pulling out a tray of muffins when she noticed me, sliding it onto the kitchen counter.

  “Welcome back,” she told me, her eyes on Cody as he pulled a paper out of his drawing book.

  “Thanks,” I said softly, noticing the mail on the counter.

  I pondered on whether I should reach for them, in case any of them were for me but her eyes followed mine. When I looked at her, she narrowed her eyes, warning me not to touch anything.

  “Here! I drew this for you!” Cody grinned, holding up a white sheet.r />
  I took the drawing from him, smiling down at it as I noticed the happy little family he had drawn. It was a picture of a house with our father, mother and Cody inside the house but I was not. I was outside, waiting near the door. I knew it was just a drawing – one made by an eight year old – but somehow it stirred a weird feeling in my chest.

  “Aww, thank you.” I forced a smile. “How about I stick it here on the fridge?”

  He grinned, nodding aggressively until I picked up a magnet and stuck it on the refrigerator. Then I ruffled his hair a bit and left the kitchen, saying that I had unpacking to do. I heard Cody ask whether he could go outside and play with his friends as I made my way up the stairs, a feeling of dread spreading through my chest and settling in my stomach.

  Susan didn’t bother me that week, undoubtedly because Cody stuck to me like glue. He seemed to have missed me more than I thought possible because every day, whenever I came home from school or after cheer practice, he’d be waiting for me in the living room.

  If I had assignments or projects, I’d either lock myself up in my room or do them at Laura’s house because that was the only place I could be around Logan without other people seeing us. And if I didn’t, I watched cartoons or played with Cody which didn’t give Susan much of a chance to attack me verbally or physically.

  I had started to think that things were looking up. Cody seemed happy. My father seemed busy with the election so he was barely home and Susan seemed busy outside the house, too, which added to the reasons she couldn’t harass me. She claimed she had work of her own but we all knew she was helping my father with the election campaign. Although, when she did find time, I’d find ways to make sure she didn’t hurt me enough for it to be visible.

  So I tried to stay out of it and out of sight. I couldn’t afford to get caught with Logan because the election was so close which meant we barely spent any time together. I had no idea what was going on with my father’s election and honestly, I didn’t even care. Whether he became mayor or not didn’t matter to me so I didn’t engage in any conversation related to it, whether it was at home or outside. Not that my family bothered to talk to me about it.

  I tried to keep to my own business which was school and my college applications which I worked on the entire month. They were also the best distraction because if I had nothing to do, I’d think about Logan and I’d feel horrible that I couldn’t spend time with him.

  By the time November had rolled in, I had managed to send out my early admission application on time. I had my heart set on it.

  Logan had told us about his application to Harvard but I just wasn’t sure whether I was ready to tell my friends about mine. It wasn’t like I was superstitious or something. I didn’t believe that telling them would jinx my chances but somehow, I just wanted the comfort of knowing my results without anyone breathing down my neck. I mean, I hadn’t told Susan or my father about it either. I had used my saved up money on the application so I wasn’t even forced to tell them about it due to money issues. So, I was pretty content with myself.

  Chapter 18

  It was the last day before thanksgiving break and I couldn’t concentrate during any of my classes. And it wasn’t just because I had Logan sitting right beside me through all of them.

  Thanksgiving was a family holiday and Susan always made it her equitable duty to make sure that I didn’t feel like a part of the family. They’d probably head over to her parents’ house. And although she hid her ugly side whenever I had joined them, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be there.

  “What’re you thinking about?” Logan whispered from beside me while our teacher announced the assignments he wanted us to do over the break.

  I looked at him, eyebrows raised until his question registered in my head. Then I shook my head slightly, offering him a small smile. I hated making him worry, especially when I lied to them that I was okay.

  Once class let out, Logan slipped out of his seat to talk to a classmate. Sighing, I shoved my books into my bag and pulled my phone out. I was about to unlock it when someone put their hand on my shoulder. I looked up to find Javier and one of his friends.

  “Congrats,” he told me and I stared at him, dumbfounded.

  “What?” I asked, genuinely confused as to what he was congratulating me for.

  “Your dad’s election, silly.” He laughed. “Why do you look so shocked? We all knew he was going to win.”

  “Right,” I murmured even though my heart had slowed down in my chest.

  It hadn’t completely dawned on me yet because I hadn’t expected my own father to keep his own flesh and blood out of the loop. I knew that the election was to take place today and I only knew it because I had seen it in the news.

  That was when my heart rate sped up. I hadn’t checked my phone yet. Maybe he didn’t want to disturb me at school so he had just left me a text message with the good news on it.

  I quickly turned my phone on and waited for my homepage to come into view. I waited several seconds until my messages came to view. I quickly opened them, only to see a text from the phone company. My racing heart slowed down until all that was left was a slow ache. The tears never came but who was I kidding? I didn’t matter enough to Susan or him for them to tell me anything.

  “Chey, you okay?”

  I looked up to find Logan staring down at me with a worrisome look. I blinked at him several times as I tried to push away the awful feeling that had made its way down to the pit of my stomach.

  “Yeah-” I started but Laura burst into the room with Marika at her heels.

  “Congrats, Chey!” she hollered into the empty classroom. “Hopefully she’ll get off your back now.”

  “What’re you talking about?” Logan asked nervously as I opened the news app on my phone.

  “Mr. Fator won the mayoral election.” Laura grinned. “Didn’t she tell you?”

  “If I had known, I would have,” I muttered and they all quietened down. “Sorry-”

  “Oh, they didn’t tell you.” Marika nudged Laura who looked at me guiltily.

  “Don’t worry about it,” I told her, grabbing my book bag and my phone. “I have a news app for a reason.”

  I started out of the classroom, feeling completely affronted. I knew Susan wouldn’t have ever involved me in the happy news my family had gotten. It was the fact that my own father hadn’t told me that was getting to me. As much as he ignored the way Susan treated me, I knew that he wasn’t completely aware of the physical abused she inflicted upon me. Susan never hurt me physically when Cody or my father were around. But somehow, I had a feeling that he wouldn’t do much even if he did know for sure. I mean, he never came to my rescue when she verbally abused me.

  Every time I thought about it, I could feel a small part of my shattered heart chip away. I wasn’t sure how many more pieces were left. And I wasn’t sure how much more I could take. I knew I couldn’t die of a broken heart but I was starting to wonder when I’d ever know what happy felt like. When was it going to be my turn to feel loved by my own family? When would I be able to rely on someone who wasn’t one of my friends, who didn’t have any power to help me?

  “Chey, wait.” Logan jogged over to catch up with me.

  Laura followed behind, probably cursing herself for opening her mouth in the first place. I stopped in the middle of the hallway and looked at Logan, my eyes slightly blurred with unshed tears.

  The hallway was already empty, except for me and Logan standing in the middle of it. Laura had her head in her locker and Ava had arrived from her class and was talking to Marika. Apparently everyone couldn’t wait to rush home for the holidays.

  “Chey-” Logan started, the apprehension visible on his face.

  “I feel so stupid,” I whispered, blinking back my tears. “I don’t even know why I feel like crying. I mean, I should be happy, right? He won-”

  Logan stepped forward, pulling me to his chest. I clung onto his t-shirt, a few tears escaping and seeping through the f
abric.

  “They should have told you first,” he whispered into my hair. “You have every right to be upset.”

  “Babe, look at the bright side.” I felt Laura rub my back in a circular motion. “Susan used the election as an excuse to abuse you. But now that he’s won, she doesn’t have that to use as an excuse anymore.”

  “She never needed an excuse before,” I reminded her, pulling away.

  “Why don’t you just ask your dad why he didn’t tell you?” Laura suggested. “Try to talk to him when Susan isn’t around.”

  “That’s going to be hard considering she never lets me spend time with anyone,” I muttered.

  Logan looked down at me and I felt my heart surge. He looked so worried and I hated it. I hated making him feel that way. He was trying his hardest to be understanding. Especially because I had opposed to the idea of telling an adult about Susan’s abuse. And honestly, I wasn’t sure how long he would remain that way.

  “I’m okay,” I told him, lacing my fingers through his. “I promise.”

  He nodded, not completely believing me as his grip tightened around my hand. He brought it up to his lips and placed a gentle kiss on my knuckle, making my heart do a summersault.

  “Let’s get you home,” Laura chimed in, oblivious to the romantic air around us. “And I’m going to ask my parents whether you can spend thanksgiving with us.”

  I looked at my best friend, my heart swelling with gratitude. I wasn’t sure whether I told her I loved her enough. She had always come to my rescue, no matter what. She never even needed a reason and sometimes, I didn’t even need to ask her. What had I done to deserve her?

  “Come on.” She half smiled at the look I was giving her.

  She linked her arm through mine and pulled me ahead. Since Logan’s hand was in mine, he got dragged along, too, a smile finally appearing on his face. Marika and Ava followed close behind, deep in conversation about what they could do over the vacation.

  Laura dropped me home as usual, waiting until I was inside before she drove away. I unlocked the door and stepped inside, holding my breath. I let go of my breath when I realized that the house was empty. I made my way to the kitchen quietly but Susan was nowhere to be seen. Were they out, busy since he had won the election?