by Stacey Ritz
Known as the giant sandbar of North Carolina, The Outer Banks is home to the quaint town of Corolla. The strip of land is home to beautiful oversized beach houses, as well as numerous charming restaurants and shops, and reaches no more than a half a mile in width. On one side sits the Atlantic Ocean, on the other sits the Sound. Ensconced at the far end of the sand bar is the town of Rodanthe, which is home to the Pea Island National Wildlife Refuge.
As someone who enjoyed running, Sarah-Jayne had already unpacked and completed a three-mile run this morning. She ran from the ocean to the Sound within minutes and then decided to run straight down the beach. Once she reached a mile and a half, she turned around to head back to the beach house. She’d run before most vacationers had set up their towels and umbrellas. The beach had been fairly clear and she’d managed to pick up a few interesting seashells during her run. She had set them all on the edge of the kitchen counter for now.
Since then, Sarah-Jayne had nervously prepared a variety of foods in the kitchen. Looking around now, she realized she had enough for a large buffet. Maybe she’d gone overboard. She lowered her head, her mind drifting to the past. She’d spent her entire adult life married to Dan Amburger. She was his caretaker more than she ever was his wife. It was an unpaid job that demanded more and more every year. At fifty-nine, Sarah-Jayne suddenly felt terrified of turning sixty with no direction. As strained as her life had been with Dan, she abruptly felt as if someone had taken her blindfold off and she was noticing the colors of the world for the first time. They were certainly beautiful, but she was terrified. She didn’t know what would come next. What was her purpose if not to care for Dan?
Her life with Dan had been lamentable. He’d taken her away from her daughters, her own family, any chance she’d ever had at a job outside of the home; her only escape during those years were her daily runs. But, she reminded herself as she looked around at the endless dishes of potatoes, vegetables, finger sandwiches and fruits, that life, the only life she’d ever known, was gone. Dan had been in and out of jail throughout the years. She’d tried to hide his shortcomings as best as she could from her daughters. But she couldn’t always hide who he was. No matter how hard she tried, she knew they saw him for what he was. He would come and go as he pleased from the house. He was unpredictable. Dan never hit her, but his anger was always at the forefront of their lives. She’d be lying if she said she hadn’t feared Dan and his moods. Her futile attempts to end his drinking were of no use. He wouldn’t go to therapy, either. He said he was his father’s father, it was in his blood. With that concession, he never made a real attempt to quit. He chose the bottle over her, over them. And in the end the bottle won. Sarah-Jayne shook her head as she tapped her fingers against the kitchen counter. He’d thought the bottle only impacted him, but the ripple effect went much wider.
What kind of mother had she become? She didn’t know what her daughters did for a living. She didn’t know if they were married or had children of their own. Was she a grandmother? She’d been completely isolated in Dan’s world. She’d lost herself for so long she couldn’t remember herself before him.
While continuing to pace, Sarah-Jayne paused in front of the full-length mirror hanging against the far wall. Pressing her face closer to the image reflected to her in the mirror, she studied the wrinkles covering her neck and face. When had they come? How were there so many? Using the index finger of her right hand, she touched each one slowly, deliberately. They’d become a part of her without her realization. Looking down at her hands she noticed more of the same. Some lighter lines, coupled with several light aging spots. How had she not noticed their arrival? So much had changed in the years she’d given to Dan; changes that had occurred right under her nose without her noticing. The promise of tears pooled in her eyes, but she refused to let them drop. Turning her attention to the expansive windows, she studied the waves crashing onto the shore, one after another in steady succession. They continued to come. There was no stopping their force.
“If only I could stay here forever.” She whispered to herself. “If only my girls could forgive me.” And now, there was no stopping the tears. They dropped onto her cheeks as if a faucet had broken free after years of being clogged. Walking out onto the deck, she let the ocean breeze wipe the tears from her skin. She drew in a deep breath, training her gaze to stay focused on the ever-present waves. No matter what came their way, no matter what battles or hardships the waves might face, they were always a reckoning force. They didn’t stop crashing onto the shore for any reason. Realizing this, Sarah-Jayne made a silent promise to herself. She wouldn’t give up. She may be turning sixty soon, but that didn’t mean her life was over. She was going to ask the girls to stay for the full week, the length of the rental agreement on the beach house. Initially she’d asked them to come for a day or two, desperate for both of them to say yes. She wondered if Rainie and Veronica remembered their vacation to Corolla all those years ago. She wondered if they looked back on it as fondly as she did; she hoped they did. It was a moment she would have loved to freeze in time. She knew, no matter how difficult Dan may have been, she’d loved him and she’d desperately wanted him to find peace and happiness. For one week, all those years ago, she felt that he had. And so, it was only appropriate they would spread his ashes here on the beaches of Corolla, together.
〜
“Girls…I’m going to take you to the park today.” Dan shouted from his recliner chair in the living room, a cigarette hanging from his lips.
Ronnie rushed from her bedroom, where she’d been playing with her Barbie doll; more specifically, cutting her hair into what she visualized to be a bob cut. “The park?” She peaked her head into the living room curiously, a smile hesitantly creeping onto her face.
“That’s what I said. Now hurry. Go and get ready and we’ll get going.” Dan didn’t turn to face her when he spoke. He kept his eyes focused on the television speaking in a blunt tone, “Tell your sister, too. I’m taking both of you.”
“Ok!” Ronnie replied gleefully, trotting back up the stairs to find her older sister. “I have to get my shoes, too!” She shouted to no one in particular. When she reached Rainie’s closed bedroom door she didn’t bother to knock, rather, she burst in the room to find Rainie on her bed reading a book. “Dad’s taking us to the park!” She exclaimed.
After a moment, Rainie rested her book across her chest with the pages splayed. Her response was unenthusiastic and littered with sarcasm too rich for Ronnie’s understanding. “The park?”
“Yes! Get your shoes on. I want to go. Will you push me on the swings? Will you go down the slide with me?”
Ronnie’s excitement got Rainie to sit up, although still clearly skeptical. “I’ll get my shoes on and meet you in the hall. Go get yours on, too.” Rainie yanked a pair of sneakers from beneath her bed and slipped them onto her feet. She dog-eared the book she was reading, Bridge to Terabithia, a book she’d read more times than she could count, and carried it with her. Before leaving her room, she grabbed a book for Ronnie, too. She still enjoyed picture books and she decided on The Polar Express. Tucking the books beneath her arm, she went to the hall to meet her little sister. There, Ronnie was forcefully putting on her shoes, still tied tightly from the last time she’d worn them. “Here, sit down…let me help you with those.”
Sitting on the carpeted floor next to the ever-growing pile of laundry her parents left outside of their permanently closed bedroom door, Rainie made a mental note to get a few loads done when they returned home. She untied Ronnie’s sneakers and placed them on each of her feet, before tying them again. “All set.”
“Thanks.” Ronnie stood and nearly bounced down the stairs. “Ready, Dad!” She called.
Taking one last drink from his can, he crumbled it in his hands, the aluminum making a crinkling noise as he did, and left it sitting on the table beside his chair. He avoided making eye contact with his daughters and held the car keys in one hand, his cigarette in the other.
“Are we really going to the park?” Rainie asked quietly as she grabbed Ronnie’s hand and headed to the front door.
Dan grumbled. “That’s what I said, isn’t it?”
Rainie opened the door and Dan walked out first. The light nearly blinded her as she and Ronnie followed behind. Their house was always dark. When she walked outside during the day, her eyes always watered from the sting of the sudden burst of light inflicted on her pupils.
Rainie and Ronnie sat in the back seat of the car together. The passenger seat remained empty. Dan turned on a talk radio station and the girls tuned it out. Ronnie had carried her Barbie with her, dancing her around on her lap and singing, “We’re going to the park! Going to the park!” Rainie tucked the two books she’d brought under her right leg. While Ronnie was nothing but smiles, Rainie knew better. “Do you like Bella’s haircut?” She turned to ask her older sister.
Rainie nodded. “Nice.”
“I did it myself.”
She could see that. “It’s short.” Rainie quipped.
“She’s growing up. She’s going to be a mom now.” Ronnie continued dancing the doll up and down her legs. Rainie understood that she believed women cut their hair short in order to become mothers. She wondered if she thought that’s how babies were made.
“How many kids is she going to have?” Rainie tried to play along. Ronnie was so innocent, so happy.
“Two girls. And she’s going to be such a good mom. Look at her hair.”
“That’s great.” Rainie smiled back at her before looking out the window and then at her dad. “We passed the park.” She said flatly, sure to be loud enough for her dad to hear her over the radio.
“We’re going to the park! Going to the park!” Ronnie sang to her doll.
“Dad!” Rainie raised her voice louder this time.
After a few minutes and several more turns, driving them further from the park, Dan responded. “I have to make a stop first. Then we’ll go.” His words were matter-of-fact and Rainie knew she couldn’t argue with him. She’d lived through this scenario countless times before. It was always some version of the same scene. Her dad would make a promise, such as taking them to the park, and he would have a sudden change of plans and the girls had to deal with it. She’d tried arguing in the past. She’d tried begging him to take them back home. But it was of no use. It was an era before cell phones, before iPads…it was a time when communication was limited to the people within your proximity, unless you were making a phone call from your home phone or a payphone or you were mailing a letter.
Rainie watched from the back window as her dad pulled the car into a parking lot. There were plenty of open spots. A few vacant parking spots were available under a row of mature Silver Maple trees. But Dan didn’t choose one of those, despite the heat of the summer day. Instead, he chose the first one he saw. He chose a spot that wasn’t right next to the door. He didn’t want anyone to make a fuss about seeing his girls sitting in the car. He chose a spot in the open sun, ten spaces away from the building. Close enough that he wouldn’t have to walk far to enter and exit the building, but far enough away that no one would ask questions. But Rainie knew, no matter where he parked, no one would be asking questions except for her and Ronnie. That’s the way it always was.
Dan turned the car off, placing the keys in the front pocket of his jeans. “Stay put. Don’t go anywhere.” He coughed. “I’ll be back in a bit. You hear?” He looked at Rainie through the rearview mirror.
Nodding, Rainie refused to verbally answer. She was furious, a feeling he invoked frequently. What he wanted to do on his own time he should do without her and Ronnie. She didn’t want to be around him. She wanted to be home. She wanted to ride her bike to Milo’s and play Chutes and Ladders with him. She wanted to be in her room reading books. She’d rather be doing everyone’s laundry than be stuck here in the hot car for an indefinite period of time, waiting on her dad, again.
Stepping out of the car, Dan didn’t bother looking back as he slammed the door shut, leaving it unlocked. As soon as he disappeared behind the building’s door, Rainie reached forward and pressed the locks down of all four doors. Next, she manually rolled down each of the windows.
“When are we going to the park?” Ronnie queried.
“I’m not sure, Ronnie. I think maybe we’ll go when Dad gets back.”
Ronnie set the Barbie down on her lap. “When will he be back?”
Shrugging her shoulders, Rainie turned to her little sister. “I’m not sure.”
After a few minutes of silence, Ronnie tapped Rainie’s shoulder. “I’m bored.”
Pulling the books from beneath her leg, Rainie gave The Polar Express to Ronnie. “Do you want to look at this?”
“I love that book!”
“I know.” Rainie winked at her.
“You read it to me.” Ronnie begged. “Please.”
Resting her head back against the seat, Rainie closed her eyes for a moment before answering. “Okay.”
“It’s hot.”
“I know it is.” Rainie pointed to the window next to Ronnie. “Can you feel the breeze?”
Unbuckling her seat belt, Ronnie stuck her head out the window. “I feel it now.”
Rainie felt beads of sweat accumulating on her own forehead. Ronnie was right, it was hot. And who knew how long their dad would be drinking inside of the bar. She was thankful for the breeze and hoped it would continue. If it didn’t, they’d have to get out of the car and walk to sit beneath the big maple trees.
Ronnie opened the book and sat her Barbie on her lap. “Ready!” She smiled.
“Okay…” Rainie began reading the book. She read it three times before their foreheads were covered in beads of sweat. She decided to head to the maple trees. She’d keep an eye on the door to the bar and if they saw their dad emerge, they’d run back to the car as fast as they could and hope to get there before he noticed they’d been gone.
Once under the tree, she read the book out loud to Ronnie once again. They played tic-tac-toe using twigs they found on the ground and pebbles from the parking lot. They had a contest to see who could hop on one leg the furthest and Rainie won. They sang songs. “You are my Sunshine” and “Row-Row-Row Your Boat” were among their favorites. They tried to climb one of the trees but neither of the girls were very good at climbing. They did cartwheels and summersaults in the grass. They played patty-cake. They tried to juggle the pebbles they’d used for tic-tac-toe. Rainie did everything she could to keep her little sister occupied, all the while keeping an eye on the door to the bar. When Ronnie grew tired, Rainie sat in the grass and Ronnie rested her head in her lap. Rainie ran her fingers softly through her little sisters hair, humming. Ronnie held her Barbie close against her chest. That’s when Rainie saw the dark brown door burst open and her dad stumble out into the daylight.
“Ronnie! Get up! We have to race back to the car. Hurry!” Rainie shook her as she felt the racing of her own heart. “Come on, hurry Ronnie.” Ronnie stood sleepily and the two girls ran hand in hand back to the car. Opening the back door Rainie slid Ronnie in first and then climbed in after her. Her dad, she spied from the front window, was still slowly stumbling his way to the vehicle. They’d made it. She looked at the clock on the car, noticing it had been more than four hours since they’d pulled into the parking lot.
When Dan arrived to the car he fiddled with the handle. Rainie reached to the front seat, unlocking the door. Once she did, Dan plunked himself into the driver’s seat. “Why are all the windows down?” He grumbled.
“It’s really hot.” Rainie said quietly. Her dad smelled of booze and cigarettes. The smell was overpowering as he closed himself into the car.
“I…only gone a few minutes…” His speech was slurred. Dan struggled to fit the key into the ignition. When he finally succeeded, the car roared to life. “Ready for the park?” His words rolled together into one.
Ronnie was silent and Rainie wondered if seeing their dad i
n this state scared her too. “Let’s go home.” Rainie was careful to keep her words steady.
“Your choice. But you be sure to tell your mama that we went to the park.”
Rainie was thankful the windows were down, it was the only reprieve they had from his stench. Ronnie pinched her nose and buried her head in Rainie’s lap.
Watching out the front window as Dan drove, Rainie noticed he ran straight through a red light. Another car honked at him and he didn’t notice. As they neared home, Rainie continued watching. She knew she was far too young to drive the car herself, but she couldn’t help but think that even though her feet would barely reach the peddles, she’d still have more control than her dad demonstrated. As they neared their house, she watched as her dad made one wrong turn after the next. They were practically driving in circles. The sky had turned dark and Rainie wanted to get home. Ronnie wept quietly in the back seat as both girls realized in the rush to get back to the car before Dan had noticed they’d been outside, they’d left Ronnie’s Barbie and their two books beneath the shade of the maple trees.
Between his moans and grunts, Rainie leaned forward and whispered. “Make a left here.” A few minutes later she did the same, “Turn right.” She figured if she quietly said the words in his direction, he might simply think he was thinking them himself, rather than scold her for telling him what to do. Luckily, it worked and a few minutes later they pulled into the driveway.
Dan didn’t look back at them as he peeled himself from the front seat. Had he forgotten his daughters were with him? He stumbled inside and Rainie and Ronnie followed a few feet behind him. Ronnie continued to sob about her Barbie. Rainie was heartbroken, having lost her favorite book and one of Ronnie’s, too. But she knew there was nothing they could do. Mama wouldn’t leave the house with Daddy in this state and there was no way she was going to ask her dad to go back and get the items for her; they weren’t supposed to have been outside of the car while they waited on him. It was a loss they’d have to learn to live with.