by Stacey Ritz
As Rainie and Ronnie headed up the stairs, Rainie was reminded of the heaping pile of laundry that sat waiting for her. It was Sunday evening and she still had homework to complete before school tomorrow, not to mention the girls hadn’t eaten dinner. After helping Ronnie with her bath and getting one herself, Rainie started a load of laundry and then headed to her room to work on her homework. She’d told Ronnie to sleep in her room tonight, something they frequently did, and she’d already tucked her in beneath the covers. She’d given Ronnie her old Cabbage Patch doll, Brenda, and although Ronnie was still upset about losing her favorite Barbie, she clutched Brenda close to her chest for comfort. Rainie told her she could cut her hair tomorrow if she wanted, she felt awful about leaving her Barbie behind.
Tired and frustrated with her homework, Rainie walked downstairs to the kitchen to find something to eat. Her mom was sitting at the table, her face buried in her hands. Rainie wanted to ask for her mama’s help on her homework, but seeing her now, she knew that wasn’t an option. When Sarah-Jayne heard Rainie’s footsteps, she looked up, wiping her tears with the back of her hand.
“Did you have a nice time at the park today?” She forced a smile to her reddened face.
Rainie tried to mirror her mama, forcing a smile back. She realized her mother tried to pretend that Rainie knew nothing about her father’s issues. How did she think she couldn’t see what was happening? How could she convince herself that he’d really taken them to the park?
Sarah-Jayne watched her daughter rummage through the open refrigerator. She hoped her daughters would never have to endure a relationship resembling hers and Dan’s. She wished for better for her children.
Pulling out a tub of mint chocolate chip ice cream and grabbing a spoon from the drawer, Rainie turned to walk away. “I love you, Mama.” She said quietly as she padded barefoot out of the kitchen and back to her room.
“Oh…I love you too, sweetheart.” Sarah-Jayne whispered back through her tears. “I love you, too.” She buried her head back into her hands once again.
〜
Pulling up to the beach house felt surreal. It wasn’t the same house they’d rented all those years ago, but being in Corolla again, smelling the salty sea air, feeling the ocean breeze brush against her face reminded Rainie of being a kid again. The ten-hour drive had gone faster than she’d expected. Traffic had been smooth. She’d stopped twice to refuel and use the restroom, but otherwise she’d driven straight to her destination, the Outer Banks of North Carolina. She’d listened to an audiobook for part of her drive, Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty. Afterwards she’d listened to the radio for a while. And then she’d chosen to drive in silence. Pulling up to the yellow beach house, her windows rolled down, she felt, for a moment, that she didn’t have a care in the world. She’d briefly put the responsibilities and duties of the sanctuary out of her head. At the same time, she’d managed to forget the anxiety her past brought with it. Drawing in a slow, deep breath, Rainie closed her eyes, listening to the roar of the ocean waves. There was no comparable sound. Loud, powerful, thunderous, and calming.
Before stepping out of the car, Rainie reached for her phone, pressing it to her ear.
“Cooper? It’s me.”
“Hey Rainie. How’s the drive?” In the background, she could hear Cooper turning the volume down on his T.V.
“Smooth.” She replied, looking around once again at her new surroundings. It was nearly eight in the evening; the sun would be setting over the ocean soon. “No problems.”
“Good.”
Rainie noticed Cooper’s words were choppy, as if she were interrupting him from something more important. After a few moments of awkward silence, Rainie spoke again. “It’s beautiful here.”
“I bet.” Cooper answered curtly.
“Is everything okay?” Rainie stuttered. “With us?”
“Sure.”
“Sure?”
“What do you want me to say, Rainie. You didn’t want me to come with you.”
“Cooper…this isn’t a vacation. I’m here for -”
“I know, I know. You told me.” Cooper interjected. “I get it.”
“I don’t think you do.” Rainie replied softly.
“Okay…”
“Okay?”
Sighing, Cooper added, “We’re okay. I wanted to come with you, that’s all. Rainie, I really like you.”
Now it was her turn to sigh. “I like you, too.” She wanted to explain to him again that this wasn’t a vacation. It wasn’t a trip for pleasure. It was at trip taken out of duty and obligation. It was a trip she needed to take on her own, not one with a new boyfriend in tow.
“Okay then. There’s no reason for us to be arguing.”
“I’m going to head in. I haven’t left my car yet. I wanted to call and let you know I made it.”
“Thanks.” Rainie heard the volume on his T.V. raise. “Have a good time!”
Shaking her head, she realized he wasn’t going to understand. They said good-bye and Rainie saw a text from Rebecca letting her know that everything at the farm was going well. She continued her message to say all of the animals were happy, fed and healthy. She said the employees and volunteers were all doing well and everything was going smoothly; just as her drive to Outer Banks had gone, Rainie thought. Smooth. Rebecca’s text finished with “Enjoy your trip!” Rainie sighed. This wasn’t a vacation. No one understood. She tossed the phone onto the passenger seat and opened the car door, stepping out and letting the salty air of the ocean breeze wrap itself around her. It was exactly what she needed, a hug from an old friend, before heading into the bright yellow beach house to face her past.
As she walked up the steps to the front door, Rainie wasn’t sure whether she should knock or walk straight in. What was the proper etiquette in this situation? She placed her hand on the door knob, ready to enter before deciding to knock instead. A moment later, the door opened and Rainie stood face to face with her past.
“Mama?” Her voice emerged as a whisper.
“Rainie Lynn.” Sarah-Jayne didn’t reach out to hug her daughter. They’d never been huggers and it was too awkward to start now, given the circumstances. Instead, she pulled back the front door and held her arms out wide, welcoming her oldest child into the house. “Come in, come in. I’m so glad you came.” Sarah-Jayne couldn’t stop herself from smiling. Her daughter was all grown up. Although her light hair looked much the same, her blue eyes held years of wisdom; years of memories that didn’t include her mama. Her lips sported a dash of clear gloss and her fair skin sparkled with youth.
Rainie gulped, setting her suitcase in the front room.
Sarah-Jayne nervously played with her hands as she led her daughter to the kitchen. “I made lots of food. Are you hungry?”
Widening her eyes, Rainie heard her stomach growl. “You aren’t kidding! You did make a lot of food!”
Nodding eagerly, Sarah-Jayne pulled out a chair at the kitchen table and motioned for her daughter to sit. The table sat next to the floor-to-ceiling windows that overlooked the beach. The sun was beginning to set and they had a perfect view.
Sarah-Jayne pulled out dish after dish, carrying each one proudly to the table and placing it in front of Rainie. “Help yourself to anything…as much as you want. I love to cook.”
Rainie hadn’t known that her mother loved to cook. She’d rarely done so while she and Ronnie had been children. Although she avoided eye contact with her mama, she continued peaking at her as she rushed to and from the kitchen counter to the table, bringing vast amounts of food. Twice-baked potatoes. Finger-sandwiches. Brownies. Chocolate cake. A spread of cold vegetables. Was this really her mother? She still sported the same short blonde hair cut. She wore a crisp pair of blue jeans and a loosely fitted white T-shirt that she kept neatly tucked into her pants. A pair of gold studs donned her earlobes. Her scent was different. She’d only ever known her to carry the scent of the home they’d grown up in, the scent of her dad; the scent o
f booze and cigarettes. But now, she smelled of a bouquet of flowers; fresh and light. And her face was the same, yet different. Her eyes were tired. Her face was worn. She was older, Rainie knew, as so many years had passed since they’d last spoken. Yet still, seeing her mom at this age surprised her. She supposed, as children, you believe your parents will always stay the same. You don’t think of them as ever having been children themselves or as growing old, you think of them as parents, frozen in time while their children grow up around them. Seeing her mama now reminded her that the fairy tale children told themselves wasn’t true. Everyone ages; time marches on. The hour glass keeps spilling its sand, and there’s nothing we can do to stop it.
“Thanks, Mama.” Rainie smiled. “This is certainly more than I can eat in one sitting, but it all looks so good.” Rainie grabbed a potato and began to eat. “And tastes great, too.”
Sarah-Jayne continued fidgeting with her hands and paced back and forth while moving trays of food from one location to another. After a few minutes Rainie asked, “Is Ronnie, I mean Veronica coming, too?”
“Yes. She should be here shortly.”
Rainie pushed out a chair from the large oak dining table. “Sit with me?”
Sarah-Jayne hesitantly took a seat next to her daughter.
“How’s Morehead?” Rainie knew her mama still lived in the house she’d grown up in. Her father hadn’t been one for change.
At the same time Rainie asked the question, Sarah-Jayne inquired, “Where are you living?”
They continued asking questions simultaneously, followed by sitting together in awkward periods of silence. The pattern continued for a while before they were able to establish a more natural rhythm.
“Are you married? Kids of your own?” Sarah-Jayne smiled.
Shaking her head, Rainie said, “Neither.”
“Do you work?”
“I do. I run a non-profit organization. It’s a sanctuary for farm animals and occasionally wounded wildlife who need rehabilitation.” Rainie grabbed another potato and dipped it in a pile of ketchup.
Sarah-Jayne’s mouth fell open. “Oh, Rainie Lynn…that’s wonderful.” She sighed, as if relieved to know her daughter’s life was no reflection of her own. “I’m so proud of you…and…and I’m so sorry…”
Rainie wasn’t sure what Sarah-Jayne was getting at. She wasn’t sure why she was apologizing. At that very moment, as her mother sat next to her, mid-sentence, the front door swung open, revealing her grown-up little sister, Veronica.
Instinctively, Sarah-Jayne and Rainie pushed out their chairs and stood. “Veronica Ellen.” Sarah-Jayne gasped.
“Ronnie.” Rainie smiled and pushed her hair behind her ears. She noticed that Ronnie was carrying two large shopping bags, rather than a suitcase.
“I haven’t been called that in years.” Ronnie bit her lower lip, her eyes trained on her older sister. “I stopped at a few shops in town before getting here.” She raised the bags before setting them on the ground.
“You look great Veronica.” Sarah-Jayne took a step forward. “Do you want me to help you with your suitcase?”
Ronnie smiled back, but declined the offer for help. “I’ve got it.”
“I’ve made lots of food.” She motioned to the kitchen.
“Oh my…I see that.” Ronnie’s eyes widened.
“Let me grab my suitcase from the car and I’ll join you.”
The conversation was choppy at best once the three women sat together at the table. The sun had set, leaving them with a view of the night sky and the ever-present sound of the roaring waves a few hundred feet from where they sat. Ronnie ran to the bathroom several times, leaving Rainie and Sarah-Jayne to sit silently or attempt to make conversation between the two of them. Once the obvious questions had been asked by each of them: marriage, children, work…their comments had turned toward more generic topics such as weather and the state of their travel to the beach. Sarah-Jayne, Rainie and Ronnie attempted to make polite conversation with one another for close to an hour until Ronnie excused herself. She headed to her bedroom and tried to call Andrew. She’d called and texted when she’d first arrived at the beach house but he hadn’t replied. When she tried calling now, she still received his voice mail.
Sarah-Jayne cleared the table and packed all of her trays into the refrigerator for the next day. The urn with Dan’s ashes sat silently in the bay window overlooking the expansive ocean. None of the women made mention of it.
Sarah-Jayne hoped that her daughters would give her a second chance. She hoped that despite the misgivings they endured while growing up, that they’d understand the position she’d been placed in. More than that, she hoped they would become more than the familiar strangers they currently were.
When Ronnie emerged from her room and Rainie came to help put away the food, Sarah-Jayne mustered the courage to ask them, “Will you stay for the week?”
Ronnie took off running to the bathroom without an answer. She couldn’t help but think this was a sign she should get back home as soon as possible. Home to Andrew. Home to her work. Home to her real life.
“Mama, I have to get back to work. I can’t leave the sanctuary for too long, the animals depend on me.” Rainie said without regret. Being there and taking care of them is what you do when someone needs you, Rainie thought. You stay.
Sarah-Jayne looked at the closed bathroom door and then turned her attention to Rainie. She wished they’d reconsider. She wished they’d stay, if only for one day longer than planned. She wanted to reach out and hug her daughters, but instead she continued to clean the kitchen. “No need to help.” She told Rainie. “I’ve got this.”
“I can help, Mama.”
“No, go along now. I’ve got this. I want to be alone.” Sarah-Jayne shifted her eyes downward, but reached out to squeeze Rainie’s arm before she turned to leave. “I’m glad you’re here. Even if it’s only for a day or two. I’ll take any time I can get with you.” She wondered how so many years had passed. How had they gotten to this point in their relationship? Was there anything she could do now to repair it?
“See you in the morning, Mama.” Rainie lightly squeezed her mother’s arm before walking away. Instead of heading to her room for the night, she grabbed a flashlight and headed to the beach. Rainie, Ronnie and Sarah-Jayne did this every night for the week they’d come here on vacation all those years ago. They walked up and down the shoreline and looked for ghost crabs, watching them scuttle from place to place, watching the crabs burying themselves beneath the sand when perceived danger ensued. Ronnie laughed and Rainie lit up with excitement each time they spotted another one. It wasn’t until she was out on the beach, having had walked a quarter of a mile before her light casted a familiar sight in front of her. Ronnie. She was out walking the beach, doing the same tonight. In the dark of the night, the two sisters walked beside each other without speaking a word, looking for ghost crabs and tapping each other on the shoulder when they spotted a new one. Both giggling like children when one of the white crabs scurried across their bare feet. Although they hadn’t spoken in years, Rainie realized, maybe some things never changed. And although words weren’t spoken as they walked along the beach, what Rainie felt said everything.
4
CHAPTER FOUR
STEVEN / SQUIRREL
Steven was rescued after he was orphaned. His mother was hit by a car and a Good Samaritan brought him to the sanctuary in search of help. After being bottle-fed and cared for around the clock, Steven grew into a strong and healthy squirrel. He was successfully released at the sanctuary, free to re-enter the wild, although he has chosen to remain at the sanctuary ever since . It has now been five years.
FACTS: Squirrels communicate using complex systems of high frequency chirps and tail movements. They learn from watching each other. A group of squirrels is called a “scurry” or a “dray”. Squirrels normally live alone, but sometimes nest in groups during severe cold spells.
Before the world woke, Ra
inie found herself barefoot on the beach, enjoying the ocean view, the roar of the water and the smell of the salty air. An intense thrill exuded her body as she walked along the shoreline. Accustomed to rising early and tending to the animals each day, she was no stranger to the morning air. The early morning walk also reminded her she needed this time alone before facing the day ahead. It was overwhelming; seeing her mother and sister for the first time in years and touching the silver urn that delicately held her dad’s ashes.
Rainie watched as the seagulls flew above the waves, waiting for their next meal. And then, as if putting on a show for her, one lucky seagull dipped down, quickly snatching a fish and raising it back into the air, triumphantly carrying away his prize. The salty sea air somehow made breathing easier than usual. Rainie collected several pieces of small sea glass: blue, green and red. She found a few interesting fragments of shells and added them to the pockets of her overalls, too. The sun rose directly above the water now, its bright rays forcing her to squint through her oversized sunglasses. After walking south for half of a mile, Rainie’s phone buzzed to life in her front pocket. For most of the morning walk she’d been lost in thought, thinking about the animals at the sanctuary. Although she heard from Rebecca several times each day, she still worried. She longed to be home; the place where she felt safe and in control. But for a brief moment, she’d been lost in the absence of thought. Mesmerized by the rolling waves, her mind had decided to relax and enjoy the scenery, until her phone brought her back to reality.