by T. K. Chapin
I frowned slightly and nodded. Of course I did, but I didn’t know how to change things. How to stop being mad at God. My soul carried a lot of anger within it, anger that wasn’t going to just fade away. It wasn’t like the anger a person shows on the outside. Physical anger can be controlled. The inside? Nearly impossible to do away with.
Wheeling away from her, I left the room and went down the hall. Stopping near the end of the hall, I folded my hands. Something deep inside urged me to pray for Marie. As I prayed, I also prayed for myself. I asked God to help me believe He truly had a plan for my life. Unfortunately, my mind played tricks on me as I stopped my prayer. I couldn’t see how any good could come from being paralyzed from the waist down.
My jaw clenched as I stared at my useless legs. Pulling them up off the foot rests, I said in my heart, ‘God, if you are the Almighty, let me walk!’ and I put all my weight upon my feet and leaned forward and tried to stand.
Crash!
Landing on my shoulder, I turned and laid my cheek against the cold stone tile. I felt defeated and I cursed the day I was born. A single tear escaped my eyes. I was broken …
Chapter 15-Marie
AT THE SOUND OF HIM FALLING, I leapt from our bed and sprinted down the hallway. Stopping just short of his wheelchair laying on its side, my hand flew to my chest. Lying on the tile was Winston curled up. He looked weaker than ever before and my heart ached seeing him like this. I reached to help him up.
“Knock it off, Marie! I’m plenty capable of getting up by myself!” His words were like venom, dripping with anger, deadly with their bite. His frustration was on full display as he dragged himself across the floor using his hands and shoved his wheelchair back upright. I could barely watch, and my own frustration was like a volcano ready to explode, so I stormed into the kitchen to call Serenah to take her up on that offer to chat.
“I’m at Dixie’s diner in Newport if you can swing by now,” she said, upon answering.
“That’d be great.” Relief washed over me with not only her quick answering of the phone, but also her response to my request to talk.
By the time our phone call ended, Winston had found his way to the living room and in front of the television set. My stomach somersaulted as I approached him. I knew he would say something stupid about me talking to a stranger. Winston liked to keep our business private, but I felt an insatiable need to let him know what I planned on speaking to Serenah about.
“Winston?”
He didn’t reply, but he did mute the TV and then waited for me to continue. He didn’t even turn to look at me, but I understood. Falling on the ground and showing such vulnerability had to mess with his head.
“I’m going to meet with Serenah, the pastor’s wife, to talk about things going on in my life, and that includes you.”
A long sigh escaped Winston’s lips. I knew what that sigh meant. He was annoyed and didn’t approve.
“Believe me, I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t feel like I needed to. You and I are not communicating. I have to talk to someone.”
Wheeling around, his gaze shot daggers at me. “Why do you need to talk everything to death?”
“I just need to sort through what’s going on with me on the inside, to get insight from someone who is wise.”
“You think that woman has been through anything difficult? What possible wisdom could she impart to you?”
Shrugging, I said, “I think she’s a woman of God and can help me. Maybe point me to some Scripture. Please don’t be upset. I won’t be gone long.”
“Whatever, Marie. Make your visit quick. I need a ride to WIN when you get back.” Turning back around, he un-muted the TV, signaling that he was done with our conversation. Slipping out of the living room, I left out the garage door and headed to Dixie’s diner with hope blooming in my chest.
Chapter 16-Marie
WALKING INTO THE DINER I saw Serenah taking money from a customer at the cash register. Since the line was a little long, I stayed by the door and waited for her to finish. Surveying the diner, I immediately noticed they had updated the place with a fresh coat of paint and added new booths since the last time I had been in a few months ago.
“Hey, Marie,” she said, as the last couple headed out the door. Waving me over, she said, “Let’s grab a booth and chat.”
As we sat down, I commented on the updates. “Love the new paint and booths.”
“Awe, thanks. We’re happy with it. This place has finally started making a fairly good profit and we re-invested it into updates. We’re getting a new cash register tomorrow, so that should be fun.”
“That’s awesome.” Glancing around, I said, “You’ve done a great job with the place.”
“Thanks. I don’t usually get to help out here too much as the Inn keeps me busy, but I love it when I can.” Bringing her hands together, she said, “Now, I’m guessing you didn’t come here to talk about the diner’s updates.”
I nodded, my eyes threatening to well up as the difficulties and struggle at home with Winston flooded over me at once. “Where do I start? My life seems upended.”
“God. Always start with God.” She leaned forward and grabbed my hands. “You’re a believer in Christ now. He is the one who can help you navigate life.”
“But how?” I shrugged as the tears came. “I feel like I’m suffocating and I can’t breathe.”
“You’ve gotta grab that life line and let God pull you up from the depths of despair. You made the first step by choosing to follow Christ. Now it’s time to grab a Bible and start reading His word. The Scripture is how God shows us what His will is for our lives. Do you have a Bible?”
“No, but Winston does.”
“Do you have a background in faith?”
“Outside of Winston it wasn’t good.” I shuddered when memories flashed through my mind. “When I was a kid my grandpa was a believer in Christ, but he ruined God for me early in life. He was an angry and vile man, and I thought all Christians were like him, so I wanted nothing to do with them or God.”
Serenah nodded, her eyes reflecting a measure of understanding. “We can’t let people dictate how we view God. It’s dangerous. The fact you were able to come to Christ yesterday was a big step in the right direction. Listen, God has to increase in your life in order for your problems to decrease.” Relaxing back into her seat, she gazed into space as if recalling her own memory. Shaking her head, our eyes reconnected. “I don’t know if you know this, but I was married to someone before Charlie. He was a man back in New York who abused me. I stayed in that loveless and horrible relationship for a long time.”
“What happened?”
“I became pregnant. That was what it took for me to make a change and I was scared to death when I left him. But you know what? God worked it out. Even though my little baby passed away because of a miscarriage, God blessed me. You have to put your full trust in God even when life is scary, even when it hurts to trust when you cannot see the future clearly.”
Her words of truth and revelation stirred the Spirit of God inside of me. I needed a Bible and I needed more of God’s love if I wanted to see a real change inside my heart, my mind, and my life.
Chapter 17-Marie
MY CONVERSATION WITH SERENAH WAS fast approaching the two-hour mark. She jotted down on a napkin a plan of action for reading the Scriptures and suggested I pray earnestly before I quit my job. Even though I wanted her to come out and say either ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to quitting, she wouldn’t. The only thing she would confirm was that God had put a desire in my heart to be a lawyer and I shouldn’t try to fight it unless there was a clear indication from God.
“Wow. Time really got away from me,” she said, smiling as she set her cell phone down on the table. “I’ve got to get back to the Inn. Charlie’s waiting for me. I hope this conversation has helped to some degree.”
I nodded and smiled. “I have to take Winston into town anyway. This talk has truly helped me. Thank you for taking time out of
your day to talk to me, a stranger.”
“Hey, now you’re a sister in Christ. We’ll never be strangers again because of that.” She slipped from the booth. “Don’t hesitate to reach out if you need anything. We are having a fundraiser dinner for the young adults going on that youth trip next month. It’s this Wednesday if you and Winston would like to attend.”
“I’ll talk with him about going. It’s for a good cause so he might.”
She nodded. “It’s worth a try. We both know he’s just struggling with this injury and he’ll come out of his funk with God in time. We just gotta pray for him.”
“I agree.”
Parting ways with Serenah, I exited the diner and walked down the sidewalk to my car. As I thought over all she had told me about her struggles and how it took a huge leap of faith and leaning on Jesus to make it as far as she had, I realized something significant. Winston wasn’t my everything anymore. He was my second to Jesus now. It was God whom I needed to rely on, not the emotional roller coaster of my husband who was a flawed and imperfect human being. It was truly and only God who saved my soul, and it was only God who could provide a way through the murkiness of the current situation going on inside of my heart. If I continued to try and rely on Winston for my happiness, I would continually be disappointed. I was amazed we’d made it this far in our marriage with how I’d acted.
Within the depths of my soul, I wanted to know and taste the goodness of God like Pastor Charlie had spoken of in Sunday’s message. It was Him who was my sustainer and strength. If I ever wanted to see Winston become his old self, I needed to pray for him without ceasing. Pray for Winston to reach for the Bible instead of the TV remote. Reach for Jesus instead of his own strength. Reach for God instead relying on himself.
Though my husband had been a devoted Christian for most of his life, his accident had made it apparent that he no longer relied on God, but on his own strength. My prayer that day and going forward would be this: Asking God to bring my husband to his knees spiritually, and yielding himself to God entirely.
Chapter 18-Winston
WHEN MARIE FINALLY CAME BACK from Newport, I wheeled into the kitchen to meet her. It had been hours since she’d left and I felt a little annoyed that she had taken so much time to talk. To top it off, she even took time to stop at the grocery store. I had a taxi on speed dial, and had planned on giving her twenty more minutes before I called. I just didn’t want the pity of the taxi driver when it took me a long time to get into his car. Otherwise, I would’ve called him hours ago.
“Did you forget I need to get to town?” I gritted through my teeth.
“No, time got away from us and then I stopped by the store and grabbed a few things we needed for dinner. Let me put these groceries away and I’ll take you. Would you go to a fundraising dinner at the church with me on Wednesday?”
“Huh?” I asked.
“A fundraising dinner. It’s for the kids going on a mission trip next month. It’s for a good cause, Winston.”
Imagining the faces of everyone staring at me as I wheeled into a large room, I shook my head. “No thanks.”
Going out into the garage, I opened the passenger side door and tried to get in. I couldn’t quite hoist myself up into the seat at the angle I was at. Adjusting my wheelchair closer, I tried again, but this time I slipped off the seat and started to fall out of the car. Grabbing hold of my wheelchair, I tried to push myself up toward the car again. Just then Marie came into the garage.
“Can I help you?” she offered.
Reluctantly, I nodded, realizing this wasn’t going to happen by my own strength.
She shoved her hands under my arms and helped me up and into the seat. Marie reached for the seat belt to buckle me in, but I stopped her. “I got it, Marie. Do you think I should go with you to that dinner now because you helped me? Is that why you came out here?”
She shook her head and replied calmly, “No, you were in trouble and I’m your wife. I want to help.”
Shutting the car door, she pushed my chair to the back and loaded it into the trunk of the car. When she entered the car and turned the key over, I stared at her profile. Feeling uncomfortable with how rude and edgy I was being, I asked, “How was your time with Serenah?”
“It was fine.” She pulled out of the garage without saying anything about their talk. It made me curious since Marie had a habit of going into great detail about most everything. This time was different. She was almost entirely silent on the matter.
“Nothing to say about it, eh?”
She shrugged. “Not really, we just talked. It was good.”
Nodding, I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and texted Bruce to let him know I was on my way.
Chapter 19-Winston
MARIE DROPPED ME OFF AT the front doors of the office building. She was heading over to a bookstore to fill time while I took care of business. As I rolled down the hall to the offices of WIN, adrenaline pumped through my veins. I hadn’t been in the building since before the accident.
Bruce welcomed me with a firm handshake and we went back to the training and weight room.
“It’s been too long,” I said, smiling as my gaze moved around the weight lifting area. Glancing over my shoulder at Bruce, I said, “It’s weird seeing it from this height though.”
It was meant as a joke, but he took no humor in it. He ignored the comment entirely.
“I need you to sign off on this write-up. It’s for Martinez.”
“What happened?” I asked, taking the clipboard from him.
“He became intoxicated while on the clock with a client.”
Shaking my head, I said, “Bring him in.”
“What?”
“Bring him in. Call him now.”
“I don’t think that’s necess—”
I spun the wheelchair around to face Bruce as my anger heated liked a pot set to boil. “I’m still the owner of this agency, Bruce. Call him in. He should’ve been here waiting for me instead of this paperwork.”
Spinning around hard, I rolled over the blue wrestling mats and to the treadmill set up against the mirrors on the wall. Bruce left the room to call Jax and tell him to come down. Resting a hand on the safety rail for the treadmill, I hung my head.
“Winston?” A voice came from behind.
Turning, I saw Kirk.
“Hey, Dekker,” I greeted. It had been a couple of weeks earlier at the hospital when I last saw him.
“How are you, man?” Kirk asked, walking up to me and shaking my hand.
“Good as I can be, without legs.”
He laughed and pushed me playfully in the shoulder. “Don’t forget, free piggy back rides since that bullet was meant for me.”
Shaking my head, I said with absolute confidence, “I’ll be walking in no time.”
“God willing, right?”
I was silent.
“Speaking of, we missed you on Sunday at the Church at the Lake. Jess and I saw Marie there.”
Just hearing the name of that church angered me. “I don’t want to talk about that.”
“Are you really sticking with the whole angry at God thing?”
“Why don’t you lose your legs and tell me how great things are between you and the Big Guy afterwards?”
Kirk’s mouth gaped, and he stepped away from me. Hurt filled his face.
“Sorry.” I waved a hand. “It’s fine. It’s all fine.”
“Yeah, right, man. You say that, but you sound pretty angry. Don’t take this out on God, take it out on me.” Coming closer, Kirk knelt and invaded my protective bubble. “Seriously, Winston. If you need to blame someone, blame me, not God. You need God more than you’ll ever need me or anyone else.”
“Yeah, well He sure has a funny way of treating the people that love Him!”
As the words fell from my lips, I immediately regretted them. The truth was brought out into the light and exposed.
Bruce stood in the doorway of the training room and caugh
t my gaze.
“Martinez can’t make it.”
I sighed. Taking the opportunity to leave the conversation with Kirk, I headed to the office to look over the logs.
Chapter 20-Marie
AFTER DROPPING WINSTON OFF I went to Barnes & Nobles to pick out a Bible. Winston had his own Bible at home, but I didn’t want to use his, I wanted one of my own. I picked up a pink one, a purple one, and then one that was leather. The leather one spoke to me in a way the others did not. It contained extra details, a feature I found intriguing. Almost every verse was color coded and footnotes detailed reference points that connected the verse to other parts of the Bible. This wasn’t like any of the other Bibles I had seen on the shelf. It was unique and I knew it was the one I’d have for my entire life. It was perfect for a new Christian like me who needed the extras to really get the most from His word.
Grabbing the box that went along with the Bible, I put it under my arm. As I stood in line at the front registers to pay, I noticed a familiar face across the store—Chelsea, the woman from church who had reached out to me. Leaving my spot in line, I sauntered over to her.
Glancing at the section name plate to see what she was browsing, I saw it was Christian Romance. After exchanging hellos, I asked, “You read a lot of Christian Romance?”
She nodded excitedly, her face lighting up. “I adore them. Do you read?”
“Yes, I’m big into reading … But I haven’t ever dove into Christian romance.” My gaze glided over the clean Christian romances on the shelf. A prick of conscience niggled as I thought of the dirty romance novels I had stock piled in my closet back home. I need to throw all of those away, I thought. Looking at Chelsea, I asked, “Any recommendations?”
“Redeeming Love is a must if you haven’t ever read a Christian Romance.” She yanked it off the shelf and handed the book to me. “Oh! And you’ve got to read another one of this author’s books, Atonement Child. I have so many books at home, I’ll loan you some if you get done with that one and want more!”