In the Desert

by Elliot Joyce

  “Did you have fun?” Dad asked as Wren headed for the kitchen, figuring he could at least wash his hands off.

  “Yeah, it was a lot of fun.” Wren’s smile shifted into something a little smaller, a little more vulnerable, as he thought about Felipe relaxing all over the paddle boat. He had awkward tan lines from wearing T-shirts all the time, but his grin and the way his eyes interacted with the sky and lake, reflecting both and making the blue swim, continued to haunt Wren every time he closed his eyes.

  “Are you glad that we made you go to Boy Scouts?” Dad was teasing, but he seemed genuinely happy too.

  Wren nodded, squirting a generous amount of soap on his hands before sticking them under the faucet. He could hear the shower starting up and wondered how long Chris would take and if there would be any hot water left.

  “Your mother and I were talking, and we agreed that you should be more comfortable by the time you start college.”

  Wren’s head jerked up as he looked at his dad, not sure if he was understanding him correctly. “What do you mean?” he asked, knowing his hope might be entirely misplaced.

  “It’s not easy, but there are some… doctors who specialize in people like you. In transgender people. We thought you should begin seeing one, just so we… we have more of an idea of what you need and what could happen in the future.” Dad held up a hand. “It’s not a guarantee. Your mother and I are still concerned about this being a quick decision or of there being unforeseen consequences. But we’re willing to begin talking about it and we hope you understand this is a first step, not a commitment.”

  All Wren could hear was possibility. This was what he wanted, a chance to talk to an adult who might be on his side. This was a first step to starting hormones and getting top surgery, and it was quite possibly the best news Wren could have gotten, coming back home.

  He practically launched himself at his dad before pulling him into a tight hug, completely ignoring the dirt and water and soap that he was getting all over him. “Thank you so much,” Wren whispered, voice not working properly. His body seemed suddenly intangible, but not like he was no longer real. More like this was just temporary, like any day now he’d wake up and be in the right body.

  For the first time, Wren realized he might actually be able to get there.

  “We love you, Wren. And we want you to start off college feeling comfortable and prepared. What that means, we don’t know yet. But I’m glad you’re happy about this.” Dad patted Wren on the back. “Now I’m going to go make sure your brother doesn’t use all the hot water so you can shower soon. Wait here.”

  Wren didn’t know how he was supposed to just wait, so he ended up finding Tary and playing tug-of-war with him until Chris was finally done with his shower. After what was quite possibly the nicest shower Wren had ever had, he threw himself into his bed and started texting Kyle.

  It was no surprise at all that Kyle was awake, despite it being late.

  That’s so exciting, dude, congrats! Kyle said once Wren explained the situation. I really hope you get T soon, that’d be great. You already pass pretty well, though, he added, sending those two sentences across the span of six messages.

  Thanks! I really hope it goes well too, Wren replied, sending it all in one text like a normal human being.

  They started talking about what Wren should say to the doctor, and Kyle pointed out how comfortable Wren had grown with the Scouts compared to the first day. It really was true. Wren had felt comfortable enough to take his binder off at night, even if it was only in the tent and thus only in front of his three close friends. That much progress was still good, and Wren knew he owed all of them for how comfortable he felt.

  Especially Felipe. I can’t believe we’ve gotten so close after just a month and a half, Wren thought as he let Kyle send his customary flurry of texts. I should let him know.

  You should start working out so then you can get swol when youre on T, Kyle told him.

  I think I’ll pass on that, but thanks.

  Awww, but everyone likes a muscular guy… even other guys. Kyle threw in a few winky emojis.

  Wren blinked. Was Kyle flirting with him?

  Like I’m just saying, but if you were to work out and get all strong so you could carry Felipe, that would be like… hella gay.

  Wren stared at his screen. He rubbed at his eyes, wondering if he was hallucinating. When he safely confirmed that this was still real and not some strange dream, he stared at his screen some more, unsure what he was supposed to do now.

  Kyle had no such qualms.

  I take it from your stunned silence you thought your big secret was secret.

  Don’t worry, he has no idea.

  He would act a lot different if he knew you liked him.

  Wren wasn’t sure if that was supposed to be comforting or not. He decided to take it as a good thing. It was definitely good that Felipe didn’t think he was some horrible sinner or the spawn of Satan or anything like that. Then again, Felipe wasn’t the most religious person Wren knew. Maybe he’d be okay with Wren admitting he was gay, as long as Wren didn’t mention he was into Felipe?

  No, that’s too risky, Wren thought.

  How many people know? he asked Kyle.

  Oh only like me and Travis.

  No one else really pays attention to that shit lmao.

  Kyle sent a few crying emojis. Wren wondered if Kyle had learned to text from someone’s grandma. He definitely sent enough emojis for that to be the case.

  Can you call? Wren sent. About five seconds later, his phone started buzzing. He answered, and before he could even say anything, Kyle was speaking.

  “So, like, I know you’re probably freaking out because, oh no, I know you like Felipe and yadda-yadda, but it really isn’t that big of a deal. He’s never liked another guy, like, ever, but I’m sure that doesn’t mean he couldn’t like you. And you’re, like, a really good guy and you two are best friends and you should definitely ask him out sometime before the next camping trip because that’s, like, three months away, and if you just quietly pine after him for three months, I swear I will—”

  “Kyle. Breathe,” Wren said, feeling his own heart rate speed up just listening to him speak. “I appreciate that you’re trying to give me hope, but you don’t have to.”

  “I don’t?”

  “No.” Wren sighed and shifted, trying to get more comfortable but also trying to avoid falling asleep on the phone. Now that he was in his bed, the last few days of heavy activity and not enough sleep were starting to get to him. “I’ve had crushes on a lot of people. I’m used to them not panning out. It’s okay. I’m not going to become super depressed or something just because a guy doesn’t like me back.”

  There was silence, and then Kyle started swearing profusely, so much in fact that Wren had to hold the phone away from his ear. Wren winced, wondering what on earth he could have done to provoke that kind of a reaction from Kyle of all people.

  “Dude, I literally cannot with you right now. Like, what the actual fuck? Ugh, I need to text Travis. This is ridiculous,” Kyle said as he calmed down.

  Wren shrugged before remembering Kyle couldn’t actually see him. “It’s fine, really. You don’t need to act like this is the end of the world.”

  “I can get as upset as I want, dude. Like, seriously. Ugh. Okay, okay, calming down.” Kyle took a deep breath and let it out in a huff.

  Wren wondered if that was actually relaxing at all. He didn’t think Kyle knew the definition of relaxed in the first place, so it was probably a moot point.

  “You and Felipe would be a really great couple, dude. And hey, you two basically already go on dates together! It’d be like nothing changed except you two would just kiss and shit.”

  “We do not go on dates together,” Wren argued, feeling a lot more like a stereotypical fifteen-year-old girl than he was really comfortable with. But he figured it wasn’t a bad thing to be able to talk about his crush with someone, even if his crush was anot
her guy and he was talking to a guy.

  Well, Wren was gay. This was probably to be expected.

  “We hang out and go to movies and sometimes play video games at his house like normal people. Normal dudes doing normal dude stuff.” Wren wasn’t sure if he was trying to convince himself or Kyle at this point.

  Kyle snorted, not convinced at all. “Yeah, sure. You wanna know how many times I’ve gone over to Felipe’s house?”

  “How long have you known him?” Wren asked, getting the feeling that it was a rhetorical question.

  “I’ve known him for over four years and I’ve been over there once. Once. And that was only because his car broke and he had to get driven to a meeting. He hates people going over—he’s told me all about it.”

  Wren felt his grip on his phone tighten, just a little. He had gone over at least six times, and yeah, it was kind of dirty and the cat was a bit disturbing, but Felipe’s abuela was really nice and she made great enchiladas. Felipe didn’t come to Wren’s house, but that was also because none of the siblings were allowed to have friends over. Mom didn’t like cleaning up messes.

  “Listen, I know it’s not my normal state of being, but sometimes I can be serious, right? And right now I’m dead serious. Think about how you feel. Watch Felipe. That’s all I can say.” Kyle sighed. There was a moment of silence before he added, “And for what it’s worth, those jackasses who didn’t like you back are idiots. You aren’t my type, but you’re still a catch. Good for Felipe, man.”

  Before Wren could ask what Kyle meant by that, Kyle said good night and hung up.

  Filled with a sense of unease, his mind whirling with what exactly it meant for him now that he knew Kyle and Travis knew, Wren had the feeling that sleep was not going to come quickly, if at all.

  RAQUEL’S BIRTHDAY was a big deal, mostly because she was the oldest and, thus, the most attention was given to her whenever Felipe wasn’t getting it all. Abuela made a cake, and the three other siblings all chipped in to buy Raquel a new phone, since she had been complaining about her old one for months and months. Manny came down from Tucson and Destiny came up from Phoenix, and they all crowded into the dining room to share dinner and catch up as a family.

  Social media was nice and all for surface information, but there was no replacing having a face-to-face conversation. Not for the Nieves family, at least.

  It also meant that everyone had to sign and speak at the same time, which was incredibly difficult when trying to eat. Felipe was forced to eat slower, his own skills rusty. He was still better at ASL than Manny, who had never been very good in the first place despite the fact that Abuela relied on it more often than not. Unfortunately the car had needed serious work and, on top of November having both Raquel’s birthday and Thanksgiving and the proximity to Day of the Dead, they didn’t have money to replace the batteries in Abuela’s hearing aids.

  “I can’t believe my little brother is gonna be in college soon!” Raquel said with a smile, her nails clicking together as she signed.

  Manny and Destiny laughed, Manny reaching over the table and ruffling Felipe’s hair.

  “Hey, stop that,” Felipe complained, even though there was no heat to his words. “I’m not your little brother anymore—I’m almost eighteen!”

  “Yeah, yeah, whatever you say, pequeño.” Manny grinned and took a big bite out of his piece of cake. “This is delicious, Abuela,” he said, signing as he spoke.

  I’m glad you like it, Manny, Abuela signed back. She was a bit slower than the rest of them because of her joint problems, but today was a good day, and it didn’t hurt to watch her walk. When they were younger, her hearing hadn’t been so bad, but she had yelled a lot. In hindsight, that was because her ears weren’t working properly, but it still had led to more than a few awkward parent-teacher conferences.

  “How is my little brother?” Raquel asked. “I feel like you never talk to me anymore. Is it because I’m boring now?”

  “You aren’t boring,” Felipe promised her. “I’ve just been busy.”

  “You went camping last month, right?” Destiny tapped on her phone. “I saw all those pictures. You have a new friend, Feli. Did he join the troop?”

  “I always wish we could have been Girl Scouts,” Raquel mused. “But the other girls were so rude, and they only wanted to do things that cost money.” She shook her head. “You’re lucky, Felipe. You have a good group of friends. Most people out there? So shady.”

  Shady? Abuela asked, getting their attention by tapping on the table. She could speak, but she didn’t like to when she couldn’t hear.

  “Like, they aren’t genuine. You can’t trust them,” Destiny explained. “But okay, Feli, spill all the details.”

  Hesitantly, Felipe talked about Wren. He kept second-guessing himself, wondering if that detail or that story was something he would share if he was talking about Kyle. He didn’t want them to guess that he wanted to be more than just friends with Wren, that the two of them seemed to have grown more awkward rather than less as time had passed. Felipe didn’t know why, but he had a feeling Wren knew how he felt and didn’t know how to explain to Felipe that he didn’t feel the same way.

  It didn’t help that Kyle and Travis were both fed up at this point and, at troop meetings, constantly pushed the two to interact even if it made no sense. Felipe encouraged Wren to make other friends in the troop, but whenever they weren’t together, it was a pain. There were just too many good moments when Felipe wanted to look at Wren and raise his eyebrows, mostly in response to something Percy said or did.

  Percy was working on becoming an Eagle Scout, so some days it felt like everything that came out of his mouth was utter bullshit, as opposed to every other sentence.

  Felipe wondered if that was how all Arizona Boy Scout troop leaders were or if their troop was just particularly unlucky.

  “He sounds great,” Raquel said as Felipe came to a stop, trailing off as he found himself talking about how he had introduced Wren to Skyrim and how the two of them were now avid players. “I can’t believe you found someone to talk to about all your….” She waved a hand. “Your stuff.”

  “Aw, pequeño is making friends! Soon you won’t need me when you want to duo-queue,” Manny joked.

  Felipe rolled his eyes and aimed a kick at him under the table. It landed, and Manny’s eyes watered a little as he stealthily flipped Felipe off.

  Destiny rolled her eyes.

  Don’t kick your brother under the table, Abuela chided.

  Sorry, Felipe signed.

  I think I should get his piece of cake, Manny claimed.

  “Hey, I helped make that cake! And you already had one big slice,” Felipe complained. His slice was half-eaten, seeing as he had to take a break to sign when he was talking about Wren.

  “You can have leftovers. I don’t think I want to take them—I gotta watch my weight,” Raquel said.

  “You’re looking so good, though, chica.” Destiny gestured at her. “I’ve got girls in school who would kill for thighs like yours.”

  “If I gain any more weight, I won’t be able to fit into my pants,” Raquel replied with a laugh. “The food was so good, though, Abuela! I always miss coming home.” She stumbled a little on the home sign and brushed at her eyes. “Sorry, I just miss this so much. It’s so weird living far from all of my siblings.”

  “Even me?” Manny asked, grinning and no doubt thinking about all the times he tormented his older sisters.

  “Even you,” Raquel promised. “Felipe, I know you are probably jumping to get out of here, but don’t forget us, okay? Even when you go and become some big engineer or whatever you want to do at Stanford.”

  Felipe sometimes regretted telling his family he was applying because he knew he would just disappoint them when he didn’t get in, but he nodded as if he had a chance. “I’m probably just gonna go to U of A,” Felipe admitted, rubbing the back of his neck.

  Manny cheered, throwing up his right hand and putting his point
er finger and thumb together while fanning out the others. “Bear down!”

  “Go cats,” the other siblings replied automatically, with various levels of enthusiasm.

  Destiny laughed and patted Felipe on the shoulder. “Listen, little brother, if you go to U of A, you know we’ll love you. If you go to ASU, we’ll love you—”

  “Boo,” Manny interrupted, and Destiny shot him a look. “We’ll still love you, but a little less than if you went to U of A.”

  Destiny rolled her eyes but kept talking. “We just want you to be happy and successful, hermano. You’re so smart, it’s going to be so cool to see what you end up doing.”

  Again, Abuela tapped on the table.

  You are all amazing and I am so proud of where you all have gone with your lives. Especially you, Raquel. Abuela had a huge smile on her face and her eyes sparkled with life and energy that her body hid. You were the first one of us to go to college. Your grandfather and I did not go. Your parents did not go. And I told you when you were a senior in high school, that I would support you no matter what. And now you are going to be a teacher with a big degree from a big university. That is something no one would have guessed.

  Abuela sniffed, and Felipe realized she was crying. He glanced at Raquel and saw her dabbing at her eyes with her napkin, careful not to smudge her eyeliner.

  For you, Abuela continued, the world has not stopped you. And I know that it will not stop you either, Felipe.

  “Gracias, Abuela,” Raquel said, her hands shaking so much that she had to do the signs twice.

  “Muchas gracias,” Felipe echoed, his own hands feeling numb. He could tell the tips of his ears were red. “Happy birthday, Raquelita.”

  She laughed and sniffed, wiping at her eyes again. “Ah, you all are making me cry.” She waved at her face, trying to dry her tears. “This is why I need to come here more often. Then I won’t cry so much when I see you.”

  “Well, it’s better to see you crying like this than when we were kids,” Manny joked.