In the Desert

by Elliot Joyce

  Destiny shook her head and raised her glass. “To Raquel, for turning twenty-four, and to Felipe, for being about to graduate high school and be the third person in our family to go to college.”

  They all saluted and took a drink.

  “Do you ever regret not going to college?” Felipe asked Destiny.

  She shook her head again. “Dios mío, no. I heard Raquel complaining all about it, and I thought, what can I do besides study? And I never liked being in a classroom either, so it just made sense to do something I liked.”

  “So you picked beauty school and found yourself with three eager customers,” Manny teased.

  The rest of the family laughed even as Destiny wagged a finger at Felipe.

  “Your hair is getting so long, hermano. I’ll cut it before I leave.”

  “But—”

  “Pero no, you’re going to look all shaggy soon. Is that what you want?” Destiny asked.

  Felipe rolled his eyes but knew better than to argue, conceding to let Destiny cut his hair whenever she wanted.

  “It’ll look great when I’m done. You’ll impress all the girls,” she teased.

  “Yeah, what’s up with that, pequeño? You haven’t dated anyone since that Elizabeth girl,” Manny pointed out.

  Felipe wondered if he could pray enough so the ground swallowed him whole. “I’ve been busy,” he said, shrugging. “More important things.”

  “Leave him alone,” Raquel said. “It’s good that he isn’t so distracted. Besides, boys at that age don’t know how to date.”

  “Boys at our age don’t know how to date either,” Destiny joked.

  Enough talk about boys and girls, Abuela interrupted. Destiny, just tell me when and you can cut your brother’s hair.

  Felipe figured that would be that. Destiny usually got her way, considering her stubbornness, and he knew he should expect to get a haircut within the next few days.

  He didn’t expect her to convince Abuela to let them both skip Mass the next day in favor of setting up a chair in the backyard and forcing Felipe to sit there with a trash bag over his shoulders as a homemade hair-catching cape.

  “Do you want anything specific?” Destiny asked as she sprayed his hair with water.

  He shrugged. “Go wild.”

  Destiny gave him a kiss on the cheek and started cutting. “You know,” she said as she examined her work, “I met someone in school named Matthew.”

  “Uh-huh.” Felipe didn’t think that she was about to ask him for guy advice. He really hoped his twenty-one-year-old sister had someone else to ask.

  “He’s so nice. Charming. The kind of guy Abuela would love if I brought home.”

  Oh God Almighty, if you exist, please let this conversation change topics right about now, Felipe thought. I promise to do all those Hail Marys I’ve been meaning to do—I’ve just been busy finishing college apps.

  “He has a boyfriend, though. Shame.” Destiny sighed and moved closer, trimming a bit in the back.

  Felipe blinked. Was the whole point of that to tell him that she had a gay friend now? Was he supposed to care that she had a gay friend?

  “You know, if you had a gay friend, that’s okay. I know that the church and the priests might say no, but they’re wrong.” She shrugged. “It’s not as big a deal to everyone else.”

  “Abuela’s never really talked about it with us,” Felipe replied carefully. He was starting to guess where she was going with this and he didn’t like it. “I mean, I know it’s fine. I have a few trans friends,” he added, knowing his tone was a little more defensive than it had to be.

  Destiny raised her hands and shrugged. “Yeah, I know that, hermano. I’m just making sure you know it too.” She fell back into silence as she put her scissors aside, picked up her hair trimmer, and then switched out the tip for one with a little longer plastic ends. “You cool with me shaving part of it?”

  “I really don’t care as long as I don’t look stupid,” Felipe replied. “I had the sides shaved before, but then I never got it recut.”

  “Okay.” Destiny turned the trimmer on, and the soft hum of the motor broke through the birds calling to one another in the morning air. About a minute passed before she took another break, looking over her handiwork. “You know, if you have a boyfriend, Abuela would rather she find out from you than from someone else.”

  Felipe felt like someone had punched him in the gut. “I don’t have a boyfriend.”

  “Right. Of course you don’t.” Destiny moved so she was in front of him, looking down at him. Suddenly Felipe felt like an eight-year-old again, being told off for using Destiny’s eyeliner pencils like normal pencils. “But if you did, it would be okay, hermano. ¿Sabes que estoy diciendo?”

  The two of them shared a look.

  Destiny had not been a disappointment, per se, after Raquel. But she was also nothing like her sister. While Raquel barely spoke Spanish anymore except with her students, Destiny enjoyed peppering it in with her sentences and she made no effort to hide the way she spoke. If I cannot be who I am, then what is the point of living? she had told Felipe when he’d asked.

  She was part of his motivation. Whenever he felt like he should stop talking about his love of fantasy and his other nerdy and less cool passions, he remembered that she lived her authentic self no matter what racist white girls told her.

  Sometimes Felipe wished they were closer.

  Other times, he thought they couldn’t get any closer.

  “Yeah, I understand.” Felipe swallowed and looked down at the ground. “I haven’t done anything about it. He doesn’t know how I feel.” It was easier not to say names, not to admit that this was anything other than friendship. But Destiny wasn’t stupid, and her eyes softened as Felipe spoke.

  “Oh, mi hermano, it’s going to be okay. I’m sure that he will like you back, else he’s a huge pendejo.” She brushed some hair off his shoulder and gave him a smile. “All right, I’ll give you the best haircut I’ve ever given, and then you can go and charm him and do whatever kind of a date two guys enjoy.”

  “We’ll play video games and eat lots of junk food,” Felipe deadpanned.

  “Don’t say those kinds of things—a girl’s gonna take you seriously,” Destiny said, gently smacking him on the shoulder. She turned the razor back on. “Now tilt your head down a little. I don’t want to miss anything and make you look like a huge idiot.”

  It only took another few minutes for her to finish, and she pulled him into the bathroom immediately so he could check it out. Felipe ran his hand through the top, which was combed over to the side just a little to prevent it from falling in his face. The sides were trimmed close but not buzzed, and made him look older. More responsible. Like someone going off to college, rather than someone who spent most weekends reading or playing video games.

  “What do you think?” Destiny asked, crossing her arms and smirking ever so slightly.

  “It looks great, hermana. Gracias.”

  “De nada, hermano. Just make sure you introduce this boy to us. I need to make sure he deserves our pequeño Felipe.” Her expression fell a little and she hugged him from behind, resting her head on his shoulder. “And I’m sure that Abuela will be happy for you, whenever you tell her. Just make sure you tell her, not anyone else, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  FELIPE PLANNED. He wasn’t very proud of the fact that it took him a few weeks to do that much, but at least he put the effort in. He had a whole speech prepared in his head, and he even asked Kyle for advice.

  That had been interesting.

  “I dunno, man. I was, like, ten when I came out. All I knew was that I didn’t like dresses and, every time my grandma got me something pink, I wanted to set it on fire. You don’t want to set stuff on fire, do you? ’Cause, like, you know I’ve got your back, but I’m pretty sure Wren is gay so, like, your chances with him go down by, like, a lot if you’re a girl—”

  Felipe had reassured Kyle that no, he didn’t plan on
setting anything on fire.

  “Is this stupid?” he had asked.

  “Nah, man, it makes sense. You don’t want to ask Wren out if you’ve got to hide it from your grandma. It’s more than a lot of straight guys do.” Kyle had thought about it, taking this seriously, unlike everything else in his life. “Okay, so what do you want to say?”

  Part of Felipe wished he could ask Wren for advice, but that felt a bit like jumping the gun.

  Hell, he probably was jumping out of order for this. Felipe knew it was probably stupid to come out before he even knew what to call himself, but he couldn’t do anything with Wren if he had to hide it from his abuela. That went against everything she had taught him and raised him to do, and so that was why, sitting across from her during dinner one night, Felipe decided to tell her.

  He had a plan. It just flew out of his brain as soon as he said that he wanted to talk.

  “¿Cómo?”

  Felipe repeated himself.

  I can’t hear you, Abuela signed. Can you speak louder or sign?

  Felipe didn’t know how to say half the things he wanted to say in English, let alone in sign language, but he promised to try.

  Okay, Felipe. I am listening, Abuela promised.

  Start simple, Felipe told himself. Follow your plan. He frowned. Try to remember your plan. You talked it through with Kyle, and you looked up all those things online. You can do this.

  “I have feelings for someone,” he said, choosing his words carefully.

  Oh? Who is she? Abuela asked, looking pleasantly surprised. Felipe wished she could keep feeling that way, knowing inside that this conversation was going to take a turn for the worse any second now.

  “They are very kind to me and very funny. We get along and we share many interests, but even if they don’t know what I’m talking about, they let me talk for hours and hours because they like when I’m excited.” Felipe was cheating. He signed she instead of they, telling himself that Abuela would know soon enough. He couldn’t bring himself to say she, though, couldn’t misgender Wren like that.

  “Whenever I’m sad, I think about them or talk to them and I feel better. I don’t think I’ve felt like this with anyone before. Even though I’ve only known them for a few months, we’re best friends, and I don’t know what I’m going to do when we go to college and can’t see each other every day. They’ve become such an important part of my life, and I look forward to when we can spend time together because it always makes me happy. And it took me so long to figure out how I felt because…. Because….”

  He had more to say, but the words wouldn’t come. He couldn’t look up; he was staring at his dinner. Everything felt like it was slowing down. His hands dropped to the table, heavy as lead. He wondered if he was having a panic attack. It was hard to breathe, and the dining room was too bright and too dark at the same time.

  He felt his abuela take his hand and squeeze it. Felipe swallowed and looked up at her, heart beating a million miles an hour.

  I know, Felipe. I know what you are trying to say. She was smiling as she stood and walked over and embraced him, pulling him into her arms even though he was taller and larger and no longer a scared little five-year-old who didn’t know what was going on or why Mom and Dad weren’t coming back.

  Abuela held him, and it took Felipe a moment to realize he was crying into her arms.

  “I’m scared,” he said. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t want people to hate me.”

  “Eres valiente, Felipe. Puedes hacer lo que te hace feliz.”

  Her voice was raw and weathered from lack of use, but it was still his abuela speaking to him, telling him it was going to be okay. This was the same person who had helped him learn how to ride a bike, who watched when Manny taught him how to hit a baseball and when Raquel and Destiny had played dress-up with him. She had gotten him ready for his first middle school dance and told him that things were going to be okay when the police came and said that Dad couldn’t be found and Mom was in the hospital.

  “You don’t think I’m going to hell? You aren’t mad at me?” Felipe asked, chest tight. His eyes still burned, and he knew he was getting snot all over her sweater. It had been a gift from Raquel, Felipe remembered. She made it when she was going through her knitting phase, forcing Abuela to drive her to the store every other weekend so she could buy more yarn with the money left over from In-N-Out.

  Felipe didn’t know why he remembered that now.

  Abuela pulled away from him just enough so her hands were clear and visible.

  They say that a woman and a man should raise child. But your mother and father, where were they when you and your siblings were learning to walk and talk? And where were they when you learned to ride a bicycle or when you graduated from middle school? They were gone. Abuela’s hands were trembling a little as she signed, and Felipe wished he could do something about it. She was having more and more trouble signing as she got older. She wouldn’t have to do it so much, though, if they could get batteries for her hearings aids and proper medicine to help with the pain.

  I know what the church says and what the world says, Abuela continued. But I know my grandson and I know that the Lord is kind and merciful and will accept a good man into heaven no matter who he likes.

  It was definitely sacrilegious, but in that moment, Felipe didn’t care what the priests or nuns said. He didn’t care about what came after.

  He was just relieved that his abuela wasn’t upset.

  I love you, Felipe, she signed.

  I love you too, he signed back.

  And that was what mattered.

  WREN HAD lost count of how many Boy Scout meetings he had gone to, but it was at least a dozen and he still wasn’t an official Scout, much to the amusement of the others. Scott liked to joke that it was because there could only be one Scout per family, and Kyle said that it was because Wren thought he was too good for Boy Scouts, but the truth was that no one seemed to really care that he didn’t have a uniform and that he wasn’t on any paperwork.

  Well, everyone except for Percy, but he was so busy making model airplanes for his Eagle Scout project that he didn’t seem to have the energy to transform his issues with Wren into actions.

  Wren wasn’t complaining.

  Meetings had a set order, and Wren enjoyed them, even if they did take time away from homework and even if they were sometimes the most boring, bureaucratic things he’d ever had to endure. He got to watch Kyle and Travis do stupid shit like see who could fit the most M&M’s in his mouth—Travis—or who could hold their breath the longest—Travis—or who could silently pretend to be Percy the longest before getting caught—Kyle.

  And Wren liked being able to travel with the troop to different events. Chris tended to be on his phone during them or skipped them entirely, such as when they went to the Natural History Museum, but some of Felipe’s more nerdy tendencies were rubbing off on Wren. Or at least he had a way of making learning about dinosaurs interesting, which Wren wouldn’t have guessed, seeing as they were both older than five.

  But Wren didn’t just spend time with the others at the troop meetings. He went to Scott’s seventeenth birthday party, and he was dragged to more of Travis’s and Kyle’s games than he really cared for, but it was cool just being one of the guys. Wren spent so much time with them that, sometimes, he could forget that he wasn’t born like them.

  “Here you go, ma’am.”

  And other times, Wren wanted to sink into the ground and never emerge again.

  He forced a smile at the server and thanked them, ignoring the pitying looks the others were giving him. “I’m fine,” he told them. “Come on. Let’s eat.” Wren began to douse his french fries in ketchup, a practice that made August freak out whenever she saw him do it. She couldn’t eat her food if it was touching different types of food, so Wren thought he was the normal one in this situation.

  “So are you ready to start hearing back from colleges?” Kyle asked Felipe, sensing the need for
a quick conversation starter.

  Felipe shrugged. He was applying to a few different schools, and Wren knew he was stressed out about finishing all the apps.

  Kyle stole a fry off of Travis’s plate. “What about you two?”

  “I’m going to ASU,” Wren replied. “My parents don’t want me going too far from home, and it’s cheaper anyways.” He took a bite out of one of his fries. His burger looked delicious, but it was also a little intimidating. BJ’s had huge servings, which was good considering it was kind of expensive, but it also meant that Wren could take two bites and feel like his stomach was going to explode.

  Travis had no such problem, and he had to finish his giant bite before he could even hope to reply. “I’m looking at Berkeley right now, but we’ll see what happens. My coach thinks I have a good shot, seeing how well I played last game.” He shrugged as if going to Berkeley wasn’t a big deal.

  “And you, Felipe?” Kyle asked.

  “Uh, probably U of A.”

  “Boo,” Wren teased, nudging Felipe with his shoulder. “You should come to ASU. We could be roommates!”

  Oh yes, ask to be roommates with the guy you have a huge crush on.

  Because for all the time that had passed, Wren still felt his heart pound and his palms get sweaty whenever he got too close to Felipe or whenever Felipe turned that charming smile toward Wren. And if Felipe’s eyes gleamed in the sunlight, reflecting the glow of the sun while he was laughing? Wren was a goner.

  Kyle liked to pretend to gag whenever he saw it. Travis usually shut him up.

  “My brother would probably disown me if I went to ASU,” Felipe joked. He had a wry smile, which meant he wasn’t really taking Wren seriously anyway, which was probably better for Wren’s health. “You should hear my abuela, though. She’s more concerned about my future than I am.”

  “Well, you suck,” Kyle said, gesturing at Travis. “I’m gonna be stuck here with these two, and they won’t even be Scouts anymore!”

  “You can always spend more time with dear ol’ Percy,” Wren suggested, smirking.

  Kyle rolled his eyes. “Yeah, well, I don’t think I’m in Percy’s good books right now.”