Since He Really Feels (He Feels)

by Lisa Suzanne

  The track on the CD switched to number six, “Back to Good.” It was a great song, but the sentiment ate away at me. How could Julianne and I get back to good? How could I get us back on track?

  I had to do something, and it had to be big. I had to make Julianne see that the only man who should be in her heart was me. I’d pined away for her for a year before I’d done anything about it, and then I’d almost lost her. I knew what it was like to lose her, and I wasn’t ever going to put myself through that hell again. I’d wait for her, because I knew that there was no other woman I’d ever love like I loved her. I knew I’d forgive her the moment I saw her again, and that damn line from song number five ran through my head again. Having only a part of Julianne was better than nothing, so I’d take what I could get.

  I decided to call her. Maybe it was stupid, and maybe I should have just waited until she was back home, but I needed to hear her voice. I missed her.

  I dialed her number while I sat at a stoplight and then I clicked the call button.

  It rang six times and went to voicemail.

  You have got to be fucking kidding me.

  Just when I thought I turned a corner, I ran into another goddamn wall.

  I couldn’t take it anymore.

  CHAPTER 3

  JULIANNE BECKER

  I recognized all of Travis’s furniture, but it was all in a new place. It was strange seeing it in San Diego. I guess a part of me figured he’d never move away. Maybe it was because I always imagined he’d live close to me because of our friendship and because of the ties between our families. Little did I know that he’d move at the first sign of trouble.

  I gazed at the top of his dresser, where I found a new framed picture. I stared at the couple in the picture. Travis looked familiar and handsome and happy, and the girl he was with was absolutely beautiful. I didn’t know her, and I knew everyone in Travis’s life.

  Well, I used to. This had to be the new girl.

  She looked just as happy as he did, and as I studied the photo, I saw something in Travis’s eyes that I’d never seen before. I couldn’t place my finger on what, exactly, but the more I stared at the photo, the more I knew that he was in love with her.

  He had told me that he loved me, that it had always been me. His words replayed in my mind: “You are all I ever think about. I can’t eat without thinking about you, I can’t sleep without dreaming of you in my arms. I love you more than anything.”

  But when I looked at him in that picture, I was certain that it wasn’t me anymore for him, and from the looks of it, it probably would never be me again.

  I sank to the floor with the picture still in my hands, staring at it and what I’d thrown away so easily without a second thought.

  When Travis came home, I was sitting on the couch with a book. My bag was packed and waiting by the door. I wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted to say to him, but I had come all this way and I wasn’t going to leave without sitting down to a proper conversation. I had to make sure that he was okay, that we were okay, before I headed back home. And then I had to get things back on track with Nick.

  I’d spent the majority of my day thinking about Travis and Nick. I didn’t think it was possible to love two different men so completely, but I did. My love for each man was complex and very, very different. My love for Travis focused on friendship and history, strength and familiarity. For all intents and purposes, my love for Nick was new, but it represented my future. It was love and lust and forever.

  And that was my answer.

  I needed Travis in my life, but it couldn’t be at the expense of Nick. I would find a balance; I would find a way to have both men in my life, but my new challenge was going to be how to get Nick to understand that Travis wasn’t competition for him. My ultimate ideal dream would be for Nick and Travis to get along and to form a friendship of their own.

  But I knew that dream would only ever be a dream.

  After Travis had revealed our tryst to Nick, I knew that Nick would never feel comfortable with Travis and me having a friendship. But I had to find a way to help him get past that and to know that he was the one for me.

  “Uh, hey, Jules,” Travis said when he spotted me on the couch. I stood and walked toward him while he set his stuff down on the kitchen counter.

  “How long you staying?” he asked.

  I was hurt by his blunt tone, but I wasn’t going to let that distract me from the conversation we needed to have. “I was actually just waiting for you to get home so I could say goodbye. I’m going to head out, Trav.”

  “Okay. Thanks for visiting,” he said. He seemed relieved that I was leaving.

  “Can we talk for a minute before I go?

  “About what?” he asked.

  “Do you want to sit?”

  He shook his head. “I’m fine standing.”

  “Are we okay, Trav?” I blurted.

  “Seriously, Julianne?”

  “What?”

  “You can’t be that dense. No, we are not okay. Someday, maybe. But you used me and dropped me in the same breath. That’s going to take me awhile to get over.”

  I didn’t understand him. He said he was over me and that he’d moved on, so I didn’t understand why we couldn’t get our friendship back. “But you have moved on.”

  “Yeah, I have. And I’m over you.”

  Again, his tone was what hurt the most. I didn’t respond, but I felt like he punched me in the gut with those words.

  “I’m sorry if it hurts to hear that, but I’m over whatever feelings I had for you. You can’t have it both ways, Jules. You chose Nick, and I’m done waiting in the wings for you.”

  I felt hot tears prick behind my eyes. He was right, and I knew that. I chose Nick, and that hadn’t changed. But Nick was pissed at me; I hadn’t spoken to him since I’d left our house the morning before. I saw a missed call from him earlier that day, so at least he’d attempted to make contact. I hadn’t heard my phone ringing because it had been in the guest room on vibrate when I’d been in Travis’s bedroom staring at the picture of him and Lindsay as I acted like the world’s biggest stalker. I’d tried calling him back, but he didn’t pick up.

  I couldn’t talk. I knew responding to him would only make me cry because it hurt to know that someone who had supposedly loved me for a lifetime was suddenly “over me.” It hurt to know that Nick was pissed at me. Everything just plain hurt.

  I rubbed at the ache in my chest.

  “Jules, I’ve found someone who makes me happy.” His voice was soft.

  “Does she treat you right?” I asked, my voice wavering on the verge of tears.

  He nodded. “She’s just… She’s gorgeous. She’s spectacular. She’s everything I didn’t even know I was looking for and everything I never knew I needed.”

  “Good, Trav. You deserve the best.”

  “Thanks.” He leaned toward me and brushed away another tear that had escaped. “You do, too, Jules. I hope Nick is that for you.”

  He was that for me, but he was currently very angry at me, and I was already at a loss as to how to get our relationship back on track.

  “Why are you crying?”

  Why was I crying? “Nick is… God, he’s everything you just described. He’s everything to me. But right now, he’s not very happy with me.”

  “Fix it, then. You gave up a lot to be with him. He better be worth it.”

  I stared at the floor as I tried to form my thoughts. “He didn’t…” I wasn’t sure how to phrase it. I glanced up at Travis. “He’s not too happy with me that I came out here to see you.”

  “But you came anyway.”

  I nodded. “But I came anyway.”

  “Why is he mad?”

  “Because of what I kept from him about what happened with you after he broke up with me. And because now I have to postpone starting my new job another day.”

  “How bad is it?”

  I shrugged, wiping away another tear.

  “That ba
d?” he asked.

  I nodded and pulled in a shuddering breath. God, I had acted so fucking stupid, and now I had to go home and face the music. I had to own up to what I did and beg for Nick’s forgiveness. “Yeah. Bad. But not so bad we can’t overcome it.” I wasn’t sure if I believed my own words, but I had to say them. I had to at least put on a show in front of Travis. I had to allow him his own slice of happiness, and I’d figure the rest out on my six hour drive home. The thought that I was letting him go pressed heavily upon me, and I felt my tears coming harder. I had a hard road ahead of me, but Nick was the reward at the end, and I’d do whatever it would take to get us back on track.

  Travis pulled me into him, and I felt my heart jolt a little at his proximity. “Babydoll,” he whispered, comforting me. “It’ll be okay. You two will work it out.”

  I heard the door open. Travis whipped around, face to face with Dan and Trav’s new girl, who I recognized from the picture. I saw her glance at me and back at Travis, and she didn’t look happy. She turned and bolted.

  “Shit,” Travis said, moving to go after her.

  I didn’t want to stop him from talking to her, but I needed to go. It was already after five, and I had a long ride ahead of me. “Trav,” I sniffled, “I have to go.”

  “Then fucking go, Jules,” he said, his voice rough and unfamiliar to my ears, and then he ran out the door.

  I stood rooted to the spot for a moment. Dan looked at my tear-stained face and then back at the open doorway Travis had just walked through. He glanced back to me. “Are you okay?” he asked.

  I shook my head, unable to speak once again. Poor Dan looked so awkwardly uncomfortable. Clearly he had no idea if he should give me a hug and comfort me or if he should run out the door.

  “Can I get you anything?” he asked.

  I shook my head again. “Thanks, Dan,” I said. I took a shuddering breath and then went to the kitchen to get a glass of water while Dan headed to his room to set down his briefcase.

  I finished my water and put the glass in the dishwasher, and then Dan joined me in the kitchen.

  “I guess I should get going,” I said, feeling like shit since I didn’t get to finish my chat with Travis. Clearly he was occupied with other tasks, so I figured I should just go. Like he’d said in his email, he’d get in touch with me when he was ready.

  I headed to the door and grabbed my overnight bag, and then the door opened. Travis was holding his new woman in his arms, and her arms were wrapped around him. My eyebrows shot up, I’m sure, as I took in the scene before me. Clearly she was staking her claim, and Travis was letting her. Both of them wanted me to know that she was the woman in his life now.

  Travis said, “Julianne, this is Lindsay. Lindsay, meet Julianne.”

  Lindsay stuck a hand out for me to shake. “Nice to meet you,” she said. I shook her hand.

  “You, too. Bye, Trav. I’m heading out.”

  “Bye,” he said. “Safe travels.”

  And that was it. They went back toward Travis’s bedroom, presumably to make up, and I smiled awkwardly at Dan. He took my bag, walked me to my car, gave me a quick hug, and I was on my way.

  I tried calling Nick, but he didn’t answer. I left a voicemail. “Hey, Nick. I’m heading home and I just wanted you to know that I’ll be on the road for the next few hours. I love you and I can’t wait to see you.”

  I turned the radio nearly on full blast to try to distract myself from my own thoughts, and I drove on toward home.

  The first hour passed quickly, but when I was on the long stretch of highway between California and Arizona, the music stopped distracting me and I was left with a headache on top of my heartache. I truly was happy for Travis that he had found someone who made him happy, because I had, too. Assuming I hadn’t completely ruined my relationship with Nick, that is.

  I knew I had a lot of growing up to do. I’d acted impulsively and immaturely, but I was ready to step up and act like an adult should act. My first order of business would be to get Nick to talk to me again, and as I thought about how to do that, the errant thought that Travis could give me advice entered my head.

  It was so ingrained in my mind to lean on him when I needed support that he was still the first person I thought to turn to when I had a crisis.

  All that thought served to do was remind me how royally I had screwed everything up.

  I wanted to talk to Travis; I’d driven all that way, and I hadn’t had the chance to say what I needed to say. I saw a sign for a rest stop a few miles ahead, so I pulled off and sat in the parking lot, staring at my phone for a minute.

  And then I opened my email and started typing.

  Travis,

  I’m at a rest stop writing this on my phone. You seemed really happy when I left, and I couldn’t be happier for you. At the same time, I can’t stop thinking about how miserable I am without you in my life. Something you said really hit home for me. You said that you are over me and that I can’t have it both ways. It hurts to know that you moved on so quickly, even though you’re right. I can’t have it both ways. I can’t have both you and Nick. I love Nick. He’s my Prince Charming and he’s everything to me. But you have been the person I could lean on for as long as I can remember, and not having that in my life is leaving me confused and lonely and scared. I don’t know what to do, and it’s killing me inside. I’m not asking for a second chance, because I know you’re with somebody else now. But I am asking you to just talk to me. You’re the one who always helps me get my shit together, and I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I love you and I didn’t know how much until you left me behind.

  Julianne

  I stared at it, rereading it several times to make sure I had the exact right tone. I wanted to express my friendship without making it sound like I was pining away for him. I wasn’t pining away for him, not in the sense that I thought I might have been for a minute. I was pining away for our friendship. I needed to recover that so that I could feel whole again.

  I clicked the send button, and then I put my car in drive and continued, feeling better that I’d finally expressed the things I had wanted to say in person.

  Travis would always hold a special place in my heart and in my life, no matter what; but Nick was the man I had chosen to spend forever with. He was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life loving, creating a home with, raising a family with. I wanted Travis by my side through all of that, too, but he would only ever hold the role of a friend. He would be an uncle to my kids, a friend to my husband, a rock for me; but he would never play the role of my soul mate. Nicholas Matthews was the only man who had been born to play that role.

  When I turned onto the street where the house I now shared with Nick was located, my heart started beating fast in my chest. I knew that I had a challenge in front of me, but I wasn’t sure how bad it was going to be.

  I was kind of a mess.

  I spent the majority of my car trip crying, trying to figure out what the hell was making me so damn sad. I was happy that Travis had found someone. Lindsay seemed like a good fit for him in the five seconds I’d spent with her. Travis lit up in a new way. He had an air about him that I had never seen in all of the years I had known him, and a tiny part of me had a hard time admitting to even myself that I was jealous. I had been the center of Travis’s world for as long as I could remember, and I wasn’t sure how not to be. I had to let him go. I had to let him be happy. But it was hard when I depended on his friendship and his love. And I hadn’t realized how much I depended on him until he wasn’t in my life anymore.

  Nick and Travis fulfilled two very different roles in my life. I needed them both. I needed Nick to fill the space in my heart that had been empty up until I had met him. And I needed Travis to fill the space in my heart reserved for the person who had gone through so many of life’s most difficult challenges with me.

  And I should have been fine with both of them in my life. Nick should have filled his reserved place while Travis filled
his. The two should easily have been able to coexist in my heart.

  But, unfortunately, they couldn’t, and nothing made that clearer than my conversation with Nick when I walked in the door.

  CHAPTER 4

  JULIANNE BECKER

  Nick sat on the couch with his iPad in his hands, the television on low volume. It was about 11:30 at night, and he was still working. He barely glanced up at me when I walked in.

  “Hi,” I said tentatively, my voice quiet.

  “Hey,” he said.

  “Can we talk?”

  Nick sighed. He didn’t stop what he was doing right away, and I was a little offended by that. I silently berated myself for feeling that way after I was the one who had left.

  He finished what he was doing and closed his iPad case. “What would you like to talk about?”

  “Can I have a hug?” I asked. I sounded desperate, and I hated myself in that moment. I used to be such a strong woman, but clearly the men in my life combined with the decisions I’d made had created this new, weaker version of myself.

  He stood up and walked toward me, and as I gazed at him, I knew in my heart that he was the one for me. There was just something about our connection that I knew I would never have with another man.

  He wrapped his arms around me, and I breathed him in, my nose buried against his neck. He smelled like the man I loved, that woodsy sandalwood of his cologne immediately reminding me of what it felt like to have him hovering over me naked.

  “I’m so, so sorry. I was a stupid fool to go,” I whispered.

  “You need to make a decision,” he said. His voice was hard and cold.

  I tried to pull back, to look him in his beautiful hazel eyes while he spoke to me, but he tightened his grip on me. It scared me that he didn’t want me to see what was in his eyes as he spoke.