Since He Really Feels (He Feels)

by Lisa Suzanne

  “Choose, Julianne, but choose carefully. I know you love him, and I know how he feels about you. But you need to decide if you want his friendship or the life that I am offering you.”

  “What are you asking me to do?” I asked.

  “I’m asking you to decide if you want me in your life or if you want Travis in your life. You can’t have both.” His voice was flat and detached.

  I sucked in a sharp breath.

  So after all we’d been through, the secrets, the break-ups, the makeups, the discoveries… we were back to square one. We were back to that limbo zone where one of us had to make a decision that would affect the rest of both of our lives.

  There was only one right answer, and I knew what it was.

  I had, after all, slept with Travis during the short time Nick and I had been broken up, and worse, I had kept that information from Nick after we’d gotten back together.

  In that moment, a million questions attacked my mind. Could I live without Travis’s friendship? Could I live without Nick in my life? Which would be the lesser of two evils?

  I wanted to live my life with both of them in it, but Nick’s ultimatum didn’t give me much of a choice.

  I pulled out of his embrace, and this time he let me.

  Silently, I turned and walked out of the room, gathered my bag, and headed up the stairs.

  I was an emotional wreck. I was devastated by Nick’s words. I knew it was coming, but somehow in the moment I felt completely unprepared.

  I was so devastated, in fact, that I was beyond tears. I sat in a heap on the floor of the closet where I’d deposited my overnight bag.

  While I truly didn’t know how to move on without Travis in my life, I knew that I couldn’t possibly live without Nick in my life. I couldn’t breathe without him. I needed him and I needed his love. And while I hated him for forcing me to choose, I knew it was only fair to make the choice and start proving to Nick that he was the only man for me.

  I crawled into bed and tried to go to sleep. It was well after midnight, and I had to get up bright and early for work the next morning. But trying to sleep was futile.

  I heard Nick come in and head to the bathroom to get ready for bed. Then I felt the bed dip as he got under the covers. I waited to feel his loving arms around me, for him to kiss my neck like he did every night and to hold me all night long.

  But I never felt any of that.

  He faced away from me and I heard his breathing even out a few minutes later. He was asleep. We were barely speaking to each other, but at least we were in the same bed. I stared up at the ceiling as I listened to Nick sleep, wondering how I could ever cut Travis out of my life, yet knowing that I had to do it anyway.

  And then the email from Travis came.

  It was the day after I had returned from San Diego. I only had three days left with McMillan, and I was wrapping up my work for the day when I logged into my personal email to get a file I had emailed to myself a few days earlier. I saw that there was a new email from Travis. I scanned it through once, and then I paused and took my time rereading it to make sure I hadn’t misinterpreted the words I was reading.

  Dear Julianne,

  Maybe you should just come back. Maybe I made a mistake letting you go, and maybe I made a mistake coming to San Diego. You’ll always be in my heart. I love you and I will help you get your shit together, but it has to be with me. Leave Nick. We can make a life together in San Diego. Come back to me. Choose me and our history. Choose our friendship, if nothing else. I will never leave you behind again.

  Love,

  Travis

  What?

  Just… What?

  I was at a complete loss.

  What the fuck?

  I read it one more time.

  What happened to Lindsay?

  He wanted me to “choose our friendship”?

  Both men were asking me to choose, but both men were asking for very different reasons.

  At home, I had Nick telling me to make a choice. He didn’t try to sway me one way or the other; he just told me I had to decide. He gave me an ultimatum instead of supporting my needs.

  And then I had Travis telling me I had to make a choice. He was definitely trying to sway me. He wanted to be with me. He wanted to show me how much he loved me.

  I never once considered making a life with Travis in San Diego; but the line “Choose our friendship, if nothing else,” tore directly at my heart. How could I leave him behind when he had been such an important friend to me?

  I truly didn’t know how to decide between the two of them. How did I choose between my past and my present, and how would it all affect my future?

  I’d made my decision the night before, and when I made the decision to cut Travis out, I’d done it because I was so in love with Nick that I couldn’t imagine my life without him.

  But as I read Travis’s email, I felt pulled back to him and our history together. I didn’t love him in the all-consuming, blazing way that I loved Nick, and I knew I never would; but surely a love like that would fade over time as the lust gave way to real life. Wouldn’t it?

  I read Travis’s email one more time, and my emotions drove me to send him a text. While I knew my answer in my heart, my mind was pulling me in two different directions. And I wanted to start making decisions based on logic rather than emotion.

  I didn’t want to be with Travis in the same way he wanted me, but after Nick’s ultimatum, I had to wonder if our relationship was all that stable. If he was asking me to make this decision without his support, what would our future look like? And as I sat there pondering what to do, I thought about how Travis was the one person I’d always turned to. I was so confused; I had already made my decision, but Travis’s email changed everything for me. If I had the chance to communicate with him, to talk it out, maybe he could help me figure out who to choose. I knew Nick would resent me turning to Travis, but I had to know where Travis really stood. And then I had to make my final decision between my past and my future.

  I texted Travis. We need to talk. Your email… I just don’t even know where we go from here. I don’t know how to choose between you and Nick.

  I waited for a response, but one never came. I reviewed my calendar for what I’d need to work on the next day, and as I looked at the dates on the calendar in front of me, a feeling of unease settled over me.

  That couldn’t be right.

  I looked at the calendar again, trying to figure it out.

  When had I had my last period?

  I had an app on my phone that told me the projected start date, so I pulled my phone out with nervous fingers.

  I clicked the app, and when it loaded, it informed me that my period was five days late.

  Fuck.

  Fucking shit.

  I was on a regular schedule. So how the fuck did this happen? How was it possible that I hadn’t noticed how late I was?

  And then the worst possible thought hit me. I had slept with two different men in the past month with no protection other than the pill.

  Fuck.

  I tried to convince myself that it was just stress. I’d been in a car accident, I’d lost my best friend, I’d gotten engaged. These were all major life events. Surely it was just the stress.

  But as I thought about my accident, I realized that I had, in fact, missed a pill or two.

  But surely that couldn’t mean I was pregnant. Could it?

  At least if I missed the pill after my accident, it had to be Nick’s. I’d slept with Travis well before my accident.

  What if I was pregnant?

  And what if it wasn’t Nick’s?

  Lucy walked by my cubicle as I stared at my phone. “You’re looking pretty hard at that thing,” she teased.

  I glanced up at her. I couldn’t imagine the expression on my face.

  “Oh my God, Jules, what’s wrong?”

  My eyes widened, and I couldn’t speak. I slid the phone toward her so she could see what I was studying.
She glanced at my phone, and it took her a moment to realize what she was looking at.

  “Oh, fuck,” she whispered.

  My sentiments exactly.

  “It’s probably just stress,” she said. I didn’t answer. I leaned my arms on my desk and lowered my head down into them. Lucy patted my back.

  “Wait here. I’ll be right back,” she said.

  As if I could move from the spot I was suddenly rooted to. How the fuck was I going to break this little nugget to Nick? He was already furious with me; imagine me telling him that I was pregnant with a child that may or may not be his. He was going to love that one.

  I kept my head cradled in my arms, and I was certain that I was pregnant. It definitely would explain the emotional roller coaster I found myself on over the past few days.

  How did I go from the girl who had an innocent crush on her boss and made excuses to walk by his office to the girl who was unsure of who the father of her unborn child was?

  Lucy returned a short while later, and she had a bag in her hands. “Come with me,” she said, taking my hand in hers.

  She pulled me from my chair and I walked behind her, my motions automatic and mechanical, and she led me to the bathroom.

  She fumbled around inside the plastic bag, and then she handed me a stick. “Pee on it,” she said.

  A pregnancy test.

  I was not ready for this. I’d had less than an hour to even get used to the possibility. I looked at her with wide eyes, scared completely shitless.

  “Do it,” she said, her voice more forceful.

  “Okay,” I whispered.

  I went into the stall and did what I was supposed to, and then I came out with my stick. Lucy pointed to the counter where she’d laid a paper towel.

  “Five minutes,” Lucy said. She set a timer on her phone. “Put it there, face down, so you’re not tempted to look.”

  I did as instructed, thinking about what a good friend she was. There was no way I would have been able to handle this on my own.

  “How did things go in San Diego?” she asked softly, trying to distract me from the ticking time bomb on the counter.

  I shrugged and sighed. “Not great. I didn’t get the chance to say what I needed to say.”

  “Why not?”

  I looked in the mirror and fluffed my hair. “He was chasing after some other girl.”

  Lucy hoisted herself up so she was sitting on the counter. “And how did that make you feel?”

  “I don’t even know, Luce. I’m so confused about everything.”

  “Why?”

  “I’m happy for him that he found someone.”

  “But it hurts that it’s not you?”

  Tears sprung to my eyes once again. If I had a dollar for every time I’d cried over the past month, I would be one rich lady. “It’s not even that it’s not me. I went all that way to see him, to talk to him and make sure he was okay. I put my relationship with Nick in jeopardy to make sure my friend was okay, and he completely blew me off.”

  “How did Nick react to you going?”

  I glanced down at the timer on her phone. It had only been one minute. “He’s barely speaking to me, and last night he issued this ultimatum. I have to choose between my friendship with Travis and my future with Nick.”

  “Don’t look at the time,” she demanded.

  A small smile formed on my lips, and it felt good to be able to smile in the midst of this dramatic situation. “Sorry,” I said.

  “What are you going to do?”

  “I don’t know. I love Nick. I love him so much, and I can’t imagine my life without him. I don’t want to. But I don’t know how to erase Travis from my life. I don’t think I can do that.”

  She nodded sympathetically. “You’ve got other friends, Jules.”

  “I know I do. Like you. And I love you. But Travis and I have been friends for our entire lives. I depend on him. He’s like family. You don’t just turn your back on family.”

  “Do you resent Nick for making you choose?”

  “Totally. And it scares me that he will only be happy if I cut Travis out of my life.”

  She paused and glanced at the time, refusing to show it to me. “Do you think he’s insecure?”

  “That has to be it. Why else would he tell me I have to end my friendship with Trav?”

  “Let me put it this way: Would you feel comfortable if Nick was best friends with an ex? If he ran to comfort someone he’d slept with? Recently?”

  I sighed. I knew that question was coming, and I knew I was being a complete hypocrite. “No.”

  “Then you can’t blame him. Maybe once you and Nick are married, he’ll be more comfortable with you and Travis being friends.”

  “Maybe. But if he’s insecure now, if he’s issuing ultimatums now, is that a good base for a marriage?”

  “That’s something only you can answer.”

  She was right, and I knew that. I glanced at myself in the mirror again, and my mind drifted back to the whole reason we were in there. What if I was pregnant? As I stared at myself in the mirror, I didn’t look any different. I didn’t look pregnant. Didn’t pregnant women have a glow about them? I wasn’t glowing. I just looked tired.

  I appreciated my friend trying to get my mind off of the test, but it wasn’t working. “Lucy, what am I going to do if it’s positive?”

  “You’re going to deal with it. You’ll have me to help get you through it.”

  “What if it isn’t Nick’s?” I whispered, finally voicing the fear that had gripped me for the past hour.

  He’d end things with me for sure if I was pregnant with Travis’s baby, and an icy depression gripped my heart at the thought. I had known my answer all along, but the real threat of my relationship ending with Nick sent a current of terror through my spine.

  I couldn’t imagine a life without him.

  I remembered the all-consuming desolation I’d lived through when we had broken up for a few days. I couldn’t go through that again. Now that I had Nick back in my life, I knew that I would never survive losing him again.

  “What if it is?” she countered.

  Lucy’s phone beeped, indicating that the five minutes had passed. My wide eyes met hers, and then I scrambled for the stick with a racing heart.

  One pink line meant not pregnant; two pink lines meant pregnant. The directions were printed right there on the stick.

  As I flipped it over, I saw only one pink line. I wanted to feel a rush of relief, but instead, I just felt a whole lot of doubt.

  “It’s a false negative,” I said, waving the stick in the air.

  “Or maybe it’s a real negative,” she said.

  “I need to make an appointment with my doctor. I won’t believe it until a medical professional tells me that I’m not pregnant.”

  She sighed. “Don’t be ridiculous, Jules.”

  “I’m not,” I said, a little offended. I just wanted a second opinion.

  When I walked into the home I shared with Nick later that night, Nick obviously wasn’t there yet. I wasn’t surprised; I figured he’d stay late at work. Whether it was an avoidance technique or if he legitimately had work to do remained to be seen, but I decided to let myself believe that he wasn’t avoiding me.

  I sent him a text asking if he’d be home for dinner.

  His reply came a half an hour later. I’m leaving in thirty minutes. If you can hold off eating, I’ll bring something home.

  That gave me at least an hour to kill, and it also gave me hope that we had a chance to get our relationship back on track. It was baby steps, but I’d take it. I unpacked my bag and started a load of laundry, and then I called my doctor to book an appointment, ultimately leaving a voicemail.

  When Nick arrived, he had Chinese food. I was checking my email on my iPad at the kitchen table, wondering if Travis had sent another one after my text earlier. When Nick walked in, I immediately turned off my iPad. He walked right by me and unpacked the bag onto the kitch
en counter. I stood from the table and headed to the cabinets while he brought the food to the table.

  He’d ordered my favorite – chicken and broccoli with fried rice – and something sort of snapped inside of me as I realized how much I didn’t deserve the wonderful man in front of me. Sure, he’d made mistakes; but my mistakes had been much, much worse, and I needed to make up for those. If cutting Travis out of my life was what Nick needed from me, then that would be my only option.

  “Can we talk?” I asked as I pulled some plates out of a cabinet.

  He nodded, and I brought the plates, forks, and serving spoons to the table while he got us each a drink. He grabbed a bottle of beer for himself. “What do you want to drink?” he asked.

  I wanted a glass of wine, but if there was even the slightest possibility I might be pregnant, I didn’t want to risk it. “Water’s fine,” I replied.

  Nick raised his eyebrows. I drank wine with dinner just about every night, so he was obviously wondering why I didn’t want the usual. I pretended not to notice.

  He sat across from me, and we both scooped food onto our plates. Suddenly I wasn’t hungry.

  “What did you want to talk about?” he asked.

  I realized that he hadn’t kissed me or hugged me or made any sort of bodily contact with me since he’d arrived, and the thought left me feeling cold and bereft. I wondered if I should tell him about what was on my mind, about my bathroom time with Lucy. I couldn’t get a good gauge on his mood, and in the grand scheme of things, we were still getting to know each other and learning how to live with one another.

  “Julianne?” he prompted.

  “Sorry,” I said, realizing how lost in thought I’d been. “I want to talk about us.”

  “Did you make your decision?” he asked, stabbing at a piece of broccoli.

  I nodded. “For the record, I think it’s complete bullshit that you’re forcing me to make this decision alone.”

  “Well, for the record, I think it’s complete bullshit that you went to San Diego.”

  “I don’t want to fight anymore. Nick, I choose you. Obviously.”

  Nick set down his fork and stared at me for a moment. I stared back, and I felt the heat pass between us. He stood, and I watched him as he walked around the table until he stood behind me. He swept my hair off of my right shoulder and away from my neck, and he leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on the curve there. I felt his stubble tickle my skin, and that one simple motion threw my desire for him into overdrive.