Since He Really Feels (He Feels)

by Lisa Suzanne

  “Thanks, Hol. I couldn’t be happier.” I wished I’d had the time to sit and chat with Lucy and Holly about my new job, but the party had somehow passed in a flash before my eyes and guests were already starting to call it a night. Not everyone, though, I noticed as I looked toward the packed dance floor.

  I gave Andrew a quick hug, and he congratulated me again as well, and then they turned to leave. I took a few more steps toward Nick only to be pulled in another direction, this time by Travis’s mom. I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from screaming out in frustration. I just wanted to get to him. Each time I glanced his direction, his eyes were fixed on Travis, and I needed to go run interference before my past and my future collided with fists.

  “Julianne, have you two decided where you’re getting married?”

  “We briefly talked about holding it at Nick’s – I mean, our house, but we haven’t made any firm plans yet.”

  “You know you’re always welcome here,” she said.

  “Thanks, Kathy. That’s really sweet,” I said, knowing that it would never work for us to get married there but appreciating her kindness. Frankly, I was shocked that Nick had agreed to an engagement party at the Miller house. Maybe it was one tiny step in the right direction. “And thank you for hosting the party tonight. It’s really very kind of you, and it’s been such a wonderful night.”

  Kathy leaned in for a hug. “You don’t have to thank me. You’re family, Julianne. No matter what.”

  Her words hung heavy in the air between us, indicating to me that she knew everything that had gone down between her son and me. She knew the hell I’d put him through; she knew I broke his heart.

  And just at that moment, Travis’s eyes found mine across the yard. I still hadn’t spoken to him. But when his eyes found mine, my heart skipped a beat for a second time that night. And just behind him, Nick’s eyes found mine, too. I wondered if my eyes betrayed the riotous emotions lancing through me as Travis and Nick both stared me down.

  Travis turned back around to say something to Nick, and that was the moment that I finally figured out my emotions. I was nervous to see Travis. I was nervous for him to confront me, especially after the way things had gone down when I left his apartment in San Diego. He had written me off for another woman, and he had never written me off before. He always had put me first in his life, no matter what.

  And now I wasn’t the first woman in his life anymore.

  I didn’t necessarily want him for myself, but I didn’t want anybody else to have him, either.

  I knew the second the thought entered my mind that it was selfish and cruel. But it was honest, and sometimes our deepest revelations are the hardest to admit.

  I hugged Kathy, and then I started my trek toward Nick. I finally reached him, slipping my arm around his waist. His body was tense as he roughly threw an arm around my shoulders and gathered me close to his side. He turned toward me, pressing his lips to my temple as if to claim me, and then he took a deep breath into my hair, as if breathing me in would calm his obviously frayed nerves.

  “Hi, Travis,” I said tentatively, wondering what the hell the two of them had just been discussing.

  “Hey, Jules,” he said, a small smile gracing his lips.

  So it was back to “Jules.” I always knew he was serious when he called me “Julianne,” because he almost always called me either “Jules” or “babydoll.”

  I wanted to hug him; he was, first and foremost, one of the best friends I’d ever had in my life despite the tumultuous drama of the past few weeks. But Nick had me pinned to his side, and I didn’t think the bodily contact between Travis and me – even in the form of an innocent hug – would do any of us any good.

  “How are you?” I asked softly. Nick’s arm tightened around my shoulder.

  “Really, really good,” he said, his tone matching mine.

  I smiled tightly, and we just looked at each other for a minute. “Good,” I finally said.

  “Congratulations on your engagement,” he said. “I’m pretty sure I didn’t say that the last time I saw you.”

  He was right; he hadn’t. But then again, I’d dropped in unannounced right in the midst of him trying to win back Lindsay’s affections, which he clearly had succeeded in doing as indicated by their attendance at the party.

  “Thanks, Trav.”

  “So when’s the big day?” he asked.

  This was awkward.

  “We just decided on October 3,” I said. I wanted to add how much I wanted him to be part of our day, but I wasn’t sure if we would ever be in that place again. I wasn’t sure if Nick would ever trust me to be just friends with Travis.

  That was the first time I had even considered that Nick might’ve lost trust in me because of my selfish, immature actions. These two men both loved me, albeit in two very different ways. I wanted to say something that would fix it all, but I was at a complete loss.

  And then Lindsay walked up, snaking her arm around Travis, and he glanced down at her with reverence. The love in his eyes for her nearly brought tears to my own eyes. He had once looked at me like that, but I had been blind to it.

  Maybe I was just hormonal, or maybe it was the wedding planning just getting to me, but seeing them up close told me that this was exactly as it was supposed to be.

  I looked up at Nick, and his features had softened somewhat. Clearly he saw the love pass between Travis and Lindsay, too, because something changed in his expression. Something told me that this was all going to work out. We were all going to be okay.

  Eventually.

  So what happened between that moment the four of us shared and a few hours later when I found myself in a crumpled puddle of desperate misery on the floor?

  Two words: Nick’s mother.

  I was torn away from my brief conversation with Travis and Lindsay when my mom called me over to talk to some of her friends who were getting ready to leave. I wanted to stay with Nick. As ridiculous as the way he pulled me into his side to stake his claim on me was, I had to admit that I loved being close to him.

  I had missed him when he was in New York, and again when I went to San Diego. I missed the closeness we shared. I missed everything about him, from the way he smelled to the way he looked at me to the way he kissed me. I felt closer to him after our brief encounter in the Millers’ entryway, and I wanted him to hold onto me for a few minutes longer.

  Looking back on that moment, perhaps something inside of me knew that something horrendous was about to happen. I resented my mother for pulling me away from Nick to talk to someone else, but it was a party being held in my honor. I had to respect the people who had come to see me, and so I was forced to be polite and leave his side.

  After I hugged my mother’s friends, I turned back to return to Nick’s side, but he was no longer standing where I’d left him. I scanned the crowd for him, but I didn’t see him. I glanced through the people on the dance floor. I spotted Cash and Bree dancing, and I was glad that wherever Nick was, he wasn’t with her.

  Once again I was pulled in ten different directions, and a half an hour later when I finally spotted Nick, he was deep in conversation with someone who I’d never seen before.

  I was suddenly very curious as to who she was, because even from the distance where I stood, I could see a coldness radiating from his eyes. The only time I could ever recall seeing him that cold was when he’d broken up with me to keep his job at McMillan. But that had all been an act; the way he was looking at this woman looked serious.

  I made my way closer to him, and his eyes never left the woman he was speaking to. All I could see of her was the back of her platinum blonde hair that was short and perfectly coiffed. The closer I got, the more I could see the absolute revulsion in Nick’s eyes. Behind him stood his brother, and I spotted the same look radiating from him.

  I finally made it to his side, and he never once looked my direction. I laced my arm around his waist, but the affection was not returned. His eyes were hard on
the woman in front of him.

  When he spoke, his voice was cold. “Julianne, meet my mother.”

  My breath momentarily left my body as I recalled the snippets he’d told me about her. He’d never given specifics, but as I stared at the woman in front of me, I could see Nick’s hazel eyes, straight nose, and perfect cheekbones. Her gaze was not that of a loving mother, but more like a woman on a mission.

  “Nice to meet you,” I said, sticking my hand out to shake hers.

  She glanced at me and then returned her gaze to her son.

  It was like they were in a standoff and no one else existed.

  I lowered my hand and then stood there awkwardly for a moment.

  Finally, Nick spoke. “Mother, I’d like you to acknowledge my fiancée.”

  “Of course,” she said smoothly. She turned to me, and I saw the same coldness in her eyes that was reflected in Nick’s.

  “Julianne, how lovely to meet you,” she said. She didn’t extend her hand in introduction.

  “You, too, Mrs. Matthews.”

  She stared at me as I immediately realized my faux pas.

  “Mrs. Prestbury,” she corrected me.

  “Call her Eleanor,” Nick said.

  Eleanor glared at her son and I suddenly felt caught in the middle. Where the hell was my mother to drag me away when I really needed her?

  He grabbed her by the elbow. “Excuse us,” he said to me, and then he led her away. I met Josh’s eyes. He looked completely horrified, and he excused himself to join Nick and his mother.

  I stood rooted to the spot for a moment, wondering what the hell had just happened and how the hell Nick’s mother had shown up to ruin our night.

  CHAPTER 16

  NICK MATTHEWS

  I hadn’t invited her, but I had an inclination who did.

  Fucking traitorous brother.

  I led my mother out of the yard because I didn’t want to make a scene in front of Julianne and her family or our friends. We stood in the driveway in a showdown of epic proportions.

  I hadn’t spoken to her since Christmas. I’d finally said some of the things I had needed to say to her for a very long time. It had been difficult, but I had my brother to lean on, and he knew better than anyone the hell we’d endured growing up under my mother’s roof. Or, rather, the roofs of the men she married.

  I didn’t hate her until I had found out what she’d done to my father, and I didn’t find out what she’d done to my father until I received the money on my twenty-first birthday.

  It was coincidental, really, that I found out about her affair around the same time I got my hands on the money, but the combination of turning twenty-one, finding out that I had a trust fund that would allow me to live comfortably for the rest of my life, and discovering that my mother was a complete and utter fraud set off a series of events that would change the course of my life.

  And it wasn’t until I met Julianne that I realized what course I was on. I wanted a wife who would be faithful to me and only me for the rest of our lives. I wanted a family, children who my wife and I would love and raise together. Children who would feel valued and adored always. Family would always come first in my life.

  And that was why I was having such a hard time with the thought of Julianne and Travis being friends. I was fighting internally with myself. Could I deal with a friendship between Julianne and the man she’d run to for comfort when I had hurt her?

  I wasn’t sure that I could.

  I couldn’t live with the fear that Julianne would go back to him.

  And the moment I saw my mother standing in front of me at the engagement party, I knew that I had demons from my past that I needed to get under control before I married Julianne.

  For one, I had to either mend things with my mother or permanently erase her from my life. But neither of those options would be easy.

  I knew I idealized my childhood until that fateful day that my father died in a terrible car accident, but finding out that my mother had cheated on him made me idealize my father, too. I was only seven years old when I lost him, but every memory I have of him is good.

  I remember him throwing a baseball with Josh and me in the backyard.

  I remember him helping me piece together a zebra puzzle.

  I remember him keeping all of his change in a bag, and my brother and I got to reach our tiny hands in the bag every Friday night and keep whatever we could hold.

  I remembered snippets of holidays; Christmas morning and ripping the paper off of a brand new toy or Easter morning and tearing open Easter baskets or Halloween and trick-or-treating.

  But one thing I can’t remember is any affection between my parents. I can’t remember a time when I saw my dad squeeze my mom’s hand lovingly. I can’t remember a time when I saw them steal a kiss away from the kids. I can’t remember a time when I caught them glancing at each other across a room.

  Those were the things I wanted in my marriage, and I knew I’d have them with Julianne. I knew that we would have a perfect future together, and I wasn’t going to let my mother – or Travis, for that matter – ruin that for me.

  “What the hell are you doing here?” I demanded.

  “Is that any way to talk to your mother?”

  “Where is Walt?” I asked snidely.

  “Walter is at the hotel.”

  “So you came here by yourself?”

  “How could I possibly miss my eldest son’s engagement extravaganza?”

  “How did you even know about this?”

  “Your brother told me you were getting married.”

  “So you demanded the details and decided it would be a good idea to crash the party?”

  “Nicholas, stop it right now. I came to mend fences with you.”

  “Too little, too late.”

  Josh caught up with us to find me bickering with our mother in the driveway. “Mother, what are you doing here?” he asked.

  So far, I hadn’t really found the answer to that question myself.

  She sighed. “I can’t believe that you didn’t bother to tell your own mother that you were getting married.”

  “The last time I spoke to you, we didn’t exactly end things on good terms.”

  “I remember,” she huffed.

  “Besides, you don’t exactly take the institution of marriage seriously.”

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “Do I really need to explain it?” I muttered. “Just leave. Please. Don’t ruin this for me.”

  “I am not here to ruin anything. I just wanted to celebrate with you.”

  “You weren’t invited.”

  “I didn’t know I needed an invitation to my own son’s engagement party.”

  “Well you do. Especially when you’ve been absent for the majority of your son’s life.” I glanced at Josh. “Correction. For the majority of both of your sons’ lives.”

  With that, I turned and headed back into my party.

  CHAPTER 17

  JULIANNE BECKER

  Lucy spotted me standing by myself and dragged me to the dance floor just as I recognized the opening notes of Cyndi Lauper’s “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.” When the song was coming to an end, I saw Nick walk back in. He made a beeline for the bar, where I saw him toss back a beer and order another one. One hand grasped the cup tightly while the other was balled into a fist. He looked royally pissed.

  I hugged Lucy and headed over to Nick.

  “What’s going on?” I asked.

  “Don’t worry about it. Let’s just have fun.”

  That wasn’t exactly the answer I was looking for, and all it served to do was infuriate me.

  “Nick, talk to me. Tell me what the fuck she’s doing here and why you’re so twisted up over it.”

  “No.”

  I was really tired of getting brushed off.

  “Nick, are you okay?”

  He gazed at me for a moment, and then he downed the rest of his beer and slammed it down on the bar. Th
e bartender handed him another one.

  I tried again. “Talk to me.”

  “No.”

  He walked away from me.

  Fucking. Walked. Away.

  I wasn’t going to chase after him. I was trying to be an adult, but walking away from someone in the middle of a conversation was both childish and immature. Clearly he didn’t want to talk about his mother. Clearly her being there struck a nerve. But if he couldn’t talk about those issues with the woman he was going to marry, what the hell sort of basis for a marriage were we forming?

  Travis appeared at the bar next to me a moment later. “You okay?” he asked softly.

  I nodded, not speaking for fear that the tears that were starting to gather behind my eyes would betray me.

  “Are you sure?” he asked, obviously having witnessed the altercation between Nick and me.

  This time, I shook my head. No, I wasn’t okay. I missed Travis. I was furious with Nick. I was worried about my relationships, including both my friendship with Travis and my future marriage to Nick.

  “I want to hug you, but I don’t think that either of our significant others would appreciate it.”

  I smiled a tiny smile at Trav. “I don’t think they would, either.”

  “I miss you, Jules.”

  “I miss you, too, Trav.”

  He smiled at me, and I knew he meant that he missed our friendship. But I wasn’t sure what I meant anymore. I’d never known Travis to let me down, not once in our long history together. And Nick seemed to be letting me down at every turn, starting with breaking my heart by choosing McMillan and ending with this latest development where he thought it was okay to walk away from me. I got it; he was upset. He didn’t want to talk about it. But to ignore me and then walk away?

  I wasn’t innocent in it – I knew I’d let him down plenty of times recently, too, but I was tired of it. It certainly was no way to enter into a lifelong commitment to somebody.

  Nick stayed busy chatting with guests, so we never got another moment alone to discuss what had happened. After the party, my parents drove us back to their house, oblivious to the tension in the backseat. My mom chattered on about what a lovely party it had been, and I just made agreeable noises as she spoke, not really listening to a word she was saying.