Since He Really Feels (He Feels)

by Lisa Suzanne

  We said our goodbyes, and finally the two of us were in the car headed home. I had no idea exactly what I wanted him to say, but I wanted him to fix this.

  He was quiet and brooding as I stared out the windshield, neither of us speaking, tension thick between us in the front seat of Nick’s BMW.

  We sat in silence for the entire ride. When Nick pulled into the garage and cut the engine, he finally spoke. His voice was eerily quiet as he stared straight ahead. “Maybe we just need a break.”

  I turned to look at his profile, but he wouldn’t meet my eyes. “What?” I asked, sure I hadn’t heard him correctly.

  He sighed wearily, and then he finally looked in my direction. His eyes met mine, and I could see a cloud of anger, hurt, and fear.

  “I said that maybe we need a break. All we’ve done lately is fight.” His voice was still quiet, but now it had a raspy edge to it, as if he was trying to hold back his emotions.

  “Or maybe you just need to fucking talk to me.” I could see that he was angry, and I knew it had to do with his mother. I knew it wasn’t about me, yet I was the one he was taking it out on.

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  That was it. I snapped. I was emotional, angry, and just so fucking tired of him not talking to me. I yelled at him, “Stop being such a stubborn son of a bitch.”

  “You got that right,” he muttered under his breath.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “My mother is awful. She showed up unannounced and unwelcomed, and she’s already fucking things up between you and me.”

  “No, Nick. She’s not fucking things up between us. You are.”

  I stormed out of the car and into the house, through the kitchen, and up the stairs to the closet. I quickly changed into sweats, pulled down my overnight bag, grabbed a few items of clothes, and made my way to the bathroom to pack my toiletries. Nick appeared in the bedroom doorway as I heaved my bag onto my shoulder.

  “What are you doing?” he asked, his voice now sounding tired.

  I glared at him. “Leaving. You want a break? You got a fucking break.” I pushed my way past him and fled down the stairs to the kitchen, grabbed my car keys, and headed out the door without looking back.

  I just needed to get away from him and the tension and the lack of communication.

  I thought about calling my sister as I pulled out of the driveway, but I realized if I spoke, I’d start crying. So instead, I let my anger stew as I took a left out of the neighborhood.

  I blasted the radio to distract my thoughts from the fact that I’d just walked out on my fiancé, but no amount of loud music could take away the searing, blinding pain in my heart.

  What the hell had I just done? And how the hell were we ever going to get past this?

  CHAPTER 18

  NICK MATTHEWS

  God mother fucking dammit.

  When I said we needed a break, I didn’t mean that she should just walk out of the house. I meant a break from all of the goddamn fighting we’d been doing. Even a break from work. Maybe a quick weekend away together would do us a world of good. We both needed to get our shit together, and I wanted to do that with Julianne by my side. I never imagined she’d walk out, and seeing her do that reminded me of my mother and all of the times she’d walked out on Josh and me when we needed her. It was the fear of someone walking out on me that crippled me from stopping her.

  I banished that thought the moment it entered my mind. Nothing about Julianne reminded me of my mother.

  I knew that allowing my mother back into my life would fuck up the most precious thing I had, and I was right. The moment Julianne and my mother met, I knew that things would never be the same. But I never imagined their meeting would so monumentally fuck everything up.

  I needed to tell Julianne about my past, but it was difficult. It reminded me of the death of my father, being neglected by my mother, money, lies, and deceit. It dredged up old shit from the past, but it was a conversation that I needed to have. It made me into the man I was now, so it was important for Julianne to know. I just wasn’t ready yet, and I needed Julianne to understand that. Instead, she took it as a personal attack and left me.

  She’d either go to Jamie’s or Lucy’s, I was sure. She’d be okay. But I hated how we left things. I hated that she was so angry at me, and I hated that she left believing that I wanted time apart from her.

  But goddamn she was beautiful when she was angry.

  Eric and Josh were out, so I was home alone. I grabbed a beer out of the refrigerator and drank it at the kitchen table, thinking about the past few hours and how everything had blown up so quickly.

  One thing I knew for sure was that Julianne and I would get back on track. We would make it through this. I just needed to be honest with her and give her the thing that she needed most – the same thing that would be the hardest for me to talk about.

  I wondered what the best tack would be to tell her about the things I still didn’t accept about my family.

  I texted Julianne before I headed up to bed. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that I wanted us to take a break. I just want a break from the fighting. I want you to come home.

  I had hope that she would listen to me even through her anger when I pressed send, and then that hope was shattered when I heard the familiar jingle of her text tone from her phone where it sat on the kitchen counter.

  She had forgotten her phone, and I had no way of getting in touch with her while she was away.

  I slept like shit without her in my bed next to me. I wasn’t a worrier, but I spent the entire night staring up at the ceiling, hoping she was okay, hoping that we would be okay.

  CHAPTER 19

  TRAVIS MILLER

  “You okay?” I asked Lindsay later that night after the last of the party-goers had left and my parents’ yard was back to normal.

  We were relaxing on the couch in my favorite position, leaning on opposite arms with Lindsay’s legs in my lap. I stroked their softness as we talked.

  She nodded. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

  “What did you two talk about?”

  “About how I wanted to kick her perfect teeth in.”

  “God, you’re fucking hot when you’re jealous.”

  She giggled. “They seem happy. Do you think she has moved on?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know, and I don’t care. I’ve moved on. I’m with you, and I love you, and I don’t want to be with anybody but you.”

  “Same.”

  “Good. So now what?”

  She was quiet for a moment, watching my hands as I stroked a pattern on her shin. “Do your parents hate me?”

  “They love you.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Do you need a worm?”

  Her warm but very confused eyes met mine. “Huh?”

  “Some bait. You’re fishing awfully hard for a compliment over there.”

  She smacked my legs that were comfortably nestled beside her.

  “My mom told me when you went to talk to Julianne. She said that she and my dad think you’re sweet and pretty.”

  “Pretty?”

  “Gorgeous,” I clarified.

  She grinned.

  “And she said that they can see how happy you make me.”

  “Do I?”

  “Happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life, Lindsay,” I said truthfully.

  She smiled and I crawled to her side of the couch. I hovered over her, and her face became serious as I gazed down into those beautiful eyes that suddenly meant everything to me. And as I gently lowered my head so our mouths connected, I was confident that this was the last woman I would ever kiss.

  She gently pushed on my chest, and I pulled back and looked at her. “What?”

  “Travis, your parents are right upstairs.”

  “So?” I asked, pushing my hips down toward hers. I was horny and used to getting it whenever I wanted it.

  “So let’s cool it down and watch a
movie or something.”

  “A movie?” I asked, not masking my disappointment. “Wait. Like porn?”

  She raised her eyebrows at me and I reluctantly moved to my side of the couch. The doorbell rang.

  I looked toward the door, figuring someone who’d attended the party forgot something they needed. “I’ll get that. You make the popcorn.”

  “Deal. Where is it?”

  “Pantry.”

  I headed toward the front door and was not really all that shocked at who stood on the other side of it.

  CHAPTER 20

  LINDSAY RHODES

  Seriously?

  CHAPTER 21

  JULIANNE BECKER

  When I woke up the next morning, I laid in bed pondering. I knew that we would get past this bump in the road; I just didn’t exactly know how.

  And then my memory betrayed me with what I had done the night before, and the feelings of guilt started to consume me. Eat away at me. Devour me whole.

  In my blinding rage, my car had led me to the Millers’ house.

  My first thought had been to go to my sister’s house, but it was like my car was driving itself. I knew it was a bad idea the moment I pulled into his driveway, but I found myself automatically getting out of the car, grabbing my bag, and walking to the door to ring the bell.

  Travis opened the door a moment later, wearing nothing but a pair of shorts. I felt a tingle spear through me as I took him in. He looked devilishly good standing there in front of me.

  “Jules,” he said. “Did you forget something?”

  I shook my head, and he glanced down at my bag.

  “What’s going on?” he asked.

  The dam broke as tears rushed from my eyes.

  “Jesus, Jules,” he said, pulling me inside and wrapping his arms around me. I immediately noticed the warmth from his bare skin against me. His hug was comforting, and he smelled… divine.

  I took a deep breath, trying to get my tears under control, and I backed away from him, trying to get my feelings under control, too.

  “We got into a stupid fight. I need somewhere to stay.”

  “Stay here. Of course,” he said.

  “Trav?” Lindsay called from the kitchen. “Butter or no butter?”

  “Butter’s fine,” he called back to her. He looked back at me. “We were just about to start a movie.”

  “I don’t want to interrupt your night,” I said, realizing what a stupid idea it had been to come here as I wiped away more tears.

  “You’re not.”

  I heard Lindsay’s voice before she appeared in the doorway. “Who was at the door?”

  She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw me standing there.

  “What’s going on?” she asked. At least she had a shirt on.

  I felt immediately guilty for ogling her man a moment earlier. I shook my head in response to her question. “We got in a stupid fight. I didn’t know where else to go.”

  I knew this wrench was putting their relationship to the test, but I couldn’t help it. I needed my best friend, and I needed Lindsay to understand that.

  “Do you mind giving us a few minutes?” Travis said to Lindsay.

  She shook her head. “Of course not,” she said, and Travis pulled her in close and planted a kiss on her lips. It was like he was reassuring her in front of me that she came first, and I didn’t particularly like the feeling I had inside when I witnessed that.

  “Go up to my room,” Travis said to me. “I’ll be up in a few minutes.”

  “Thanks, Trav,” I whispered.

  He nodded, still holding Lindsay against him as I ascended the stairs. I heard their voices but couldn’t make out what they were saying as I walked down the familiar hallway and entered the second door on the right. His room was familiar to me even though it wasn’t the house we’d grown up in next door to each other. I’d been to the Millers’ house enough times to feel at home, and the room I was in both looked and smelled like Trav.

  I set my bag down and sat on the floor, leaning my back against the foot of the bed. It felt too personal to sit on the bed after all we’d been through.

  I rummaged through my purse for a minute for my phone to see if Nick had tried to call me, to see if he had tried to apologize or if he had begged me to come home. I emptied the contents of my purse completely, inspecting every little pocket, until I realized that it was on the kitchen counter at home. I could not believe I had forgotten my phone. I never forgot my phone. Ever. But in my haste to get out of the house, I had indeed forgotten it.

  I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose, squeezing my eyes tightly. I was done crying.

  Travis finally came up to his room. I noticed gratefully that he had put on a shirt. I had never realized what a distraction Travis without a shirt actually was. He sat wordlessly next to me, leaning against the foot of the bed and stretching out his legs before him, mirroring my position.

  “So what happened, Jules?” he asked.

  I stared straight ahead, but I could feel his eyes on my profile. “It’s stupid.”

  “Fights usually are, babydoll, but you came here to talk, so talk.”

  He had a point.

  I drew my knees up and hugged them while I spoke, staring at the floor in front of me. “Nick’s mom showed up to the party tonight. Nick won’t talk to me and let me in on that part of his life, and I got sick of him blowing me off. Then we got home and he said we needed a break, so I’m giving him one.”

  He put his arm around my shoulders. “Are you sure he wants a break from you?” he asked.

  “I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore.” All I could think about was how good it felt to have the one man who had never let me down next to me.

  I looked over at him. His eyes held concern for me. He had always put me first and made me feel like I mattered.

  And in that moment, that was all I could focus on.

  I leaned my head toward his, desperately seeking some of the comfort I knew he could provide me. I knew that he wouldn’t let me down. I knew that he would be there for me and that I would feel better just having him close to me. Historically, I’d always run to him. This was my habit. He was my comfort. My lips moved toward his, and my eyes automatically closed as I inched my way closer to him.

  I felt his hands on my shoulders, halting my progress. “Whoa, Jules. I—” He cut himself off, and then he started again as my eyes flew open. “I can’t do that. I’m sorry.”

  Oh, shit. What had I just been about to do?

  Did I really just attempt to kiss another man on the night of my engagement party?

  What the hell was wrong with me?

  Pain. Anger. Sadness. Hurt.

  That’s what was wrong with me.

  I’d been looking for comfort, and old habits apparently die hard.

  “Oh my God, Travis. I’m… shit. I’m so sorry,” I stammered.

  “I want to be here for you, but I can’t be here like that. I am with Lindsay now.”

  “I know. I wasn’t thinking. Fuck. I’m sorry.”

  “Stop apologizing. Forget it happened.”

  His hands were still on my shoulders. I backed away from his grasp and stood, pacing the room.

  “I’m just so confused. I don’t know where I stand with Nick. I don’t know where I stand with you. Everything is so fucked up and I don’t know what to do.” My voice got louder as I spoke until I was nearly yelling frantically.

  He stayed where he was, watching me. The concern in his eyes had turned to alarm, like he didn’t know what my next move would be. His voice was calm and soothing when he spoke. “You and Nick will work past this. And you and I will be fine. Everything just takes time, Jules. You have to be patient.”

  “I don’t want to be patient! I just want things to be the way they were before. I hate my new job, I hate Nick half the time, I hate what’s going on with you and me. I can’t stand any of this anymore!” Now I really was yelling.

  He stood up
and took both of my arms in his hands at the elbows. He shook me gently. “Calm the fuck down.”

  I took a deep breath. He was right, and me having a mental breakdown in his bedroom wasn’t going to help anything. I was a sane, rational person, and it was time to start acting like it.

  “Sorry. You’re right. I’m sorry.”

  “I already said it once. Stop apologizing. Tell me what I can do.”

  I collapsed on the bed, looking up at the ceiling. “I’ve kept you from Lindsay long enough. Go be with her. Celebrate what you have.”

  “And worry about you up here driving yourself insane the whole time? No thanks.”

  “I’ll be okay,” I sniffled. I squeezed my eyes shut again, trying to keep the tears at bay. It worked for the moment. I threw one arm over my eyes.

  “Can we talk about something that’s been bothering me?” he asked, the bed dipping next to me as he sat.

  “Sure,” I said, not moving.

  “What did you mean by your text?”

  I sighed. “What text?”

  He was quiet for a moment, and when he spoke, his voice was low. “The one where you said you didn’t know how to choose between Nick and me.”

  I moved my arm and opened my eyes to look at Travis.

  “What do you mean, what did I mean?” I asked stupidly.

  “Are you still seriously considering something more with me?”

  I sat up. “I don’t know anymore, Trav,” I said honestly. “When I sent that text, I meant that I didn’t know how to pick between my past with you and my future with Nick. I love you so much, but I love you in a way that is so different from how I love Nick. And then I got that email from you that said that I didn’t have a choice to make, and it hurt to know how fast you moved on from me. Every time I think I make a decision, you’re always there in my mind, fucking with my head and making me question everything.”

  He thought about that for a moment, and then he took my hand in his. “It wasn’t fast, and it wasn’t easy. Getting over you was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. The only thing that could possibly have helped me through that was finding the one person I’m meant to be with.”