Nobody Knows

by Rebecca Barber

  “What are you rambling on about now?”

  “Your daughters and your wife—they don’t need your money. They need you. Gillian needs you to be her husband. Her partner. Her lover and her best-friend. Not her bank account. And your daughters, Joel, they just need you to be there. They barely know you. And that’s your fault. You need to spend some time with your girls. Take them to the zoo. Play Barbies with them. They won’t care what it is. Just be a part of it.”

  “I’m trying, Mum, I’m trying.” Joel collapsed. A twisted, crying mess, Joel twitched. Satisfied, Adele held her son. For a long time not a word was said. They just sat in silence, Joel sobbing in the safety of his mother’s arms.

  A screech brought the silence to an abrupt end. “I should go and check on them,” Adele went to move.

  “I’ll go,” Joel said, jumping to his feet, wiping his eyes with his sleeve and disappearing down the hallway.

  As soon as Joel had vanished Adele felt guilty. She had pushed and pushed her son until he had completely broken down. Silently berating herself, she sat and waited for him to return. After half an hour, when Joel still hadn’t reappeared, Adele went looking for him.

  Stepping into the rumpus room, an unexpected smile consumed her. Joel’s tie was wrapped tightly around the teddy bear’s neck and Joel sat cross legged on the floor, Bianca balanced in his lap, having a tea party with every doll and teddy in the house. Not wanting to interrupt such a special moment, Adele ran down the hallway before she was spotted and began wading through the mountain of washing.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Gillian

  “What the fuck is going on, Gillian?” Rhiannon demanded as the door slammed closed behind me.

  “Rhiannon, just back off,” Heidi instructed, pushing me forwards.

  As soon as I was inside I was overcome with not only guilt but also fear. I hadn’t seen Rhiannon’s apartment since she moved in. It was the sort of apartment that everyone wanted. A grown up apartment. Tastefully decorated with suede beige lounge chairs and white kitchen cabinets without the tiny handprints covering them. Everything was immaculately spotless, but it had its own place. I felt bad that even years after Rhiannon had moved into this light and airy place, with a view of the lake, I had never seen it.

  “This is stunning,” I exclaimed honestly, taking in the breathtaking view. I didn’t want to sit down. I wanted the grand tour, to see the rest of a grown-up apartment. Secretly I was dying to see the bathroom. For some weird reason, bathrooms fascinated me. The things that they could do with tiles. It just made everything look clean and new and fresh.

  With her arms crossed angrily across her chest, Rhiannon was seething. “God, Gillian, enough! Heidi doesn’t send me a desperate text saying you’re coming to see me now if something pretty huge isn’t up.”

  “What the hell do you want from me, Rhiannon?” I snapped.

  “The truth. For once, Gillian, just tell us what’s going on with you. Let us help you. All you have to do is tell us how.”

  I looked at Heidi, who just shrugged helplessly. I stared at my two best friends in the whole world, my family, and I cracked. Suddenly my world started spinning. I felt sick. Something wasn’t right, I knew it wasn’t, but I wasn’t really sure what was wrong. I never got the chance to figure it out. The next thing I knew I was lying on Rhiannon’s lounge, a wet washcloth on my forehead. Heidi was trying to feed me orange juice through a straw. I tried to stand up, but Rhiannon forced me back down.

  “What is wrong? Let me up.” My head was foggy and I wasn’t feeling very well, but I was still okay. The spinning sensation was still there and out of nowhere I was exhausted, more tired than I ever remembered being before.

  “Gillian!” Heidi snapped. “Shut up, lie there, and talk to us. You just collapsed unconscious on the tiles, so stop being so damn stubborn and for once do as you are told. Just stay there, please.”

  After a while I noticed Rhiannon. She was standing in the doorway, one hand on her hip the other clutching a can of Diet Coke. She stared at me with sad bewildered eyes. Then as meekly as a mouse, Rhiannon asked, “Gillian, how did you get the bruises on your back?”

  Humiliated, I began mumbling and tugging at my top. “But how did you…how do you…” I knew I was only rambling to try and buy myself some time to think of a plausible lie. It was bad enough that Adele knew the truth, but Rhiannon and Heidi really didn’t need to know. Too many people knew already.

  “When we picked you up your shirt rode up. Gillian. We love you, but you’re covered in disgusting black and blue bruises. They’re on your neck and your shoulders and your wrists. My God, Gillian, what happened to you?” Heidi asked. “Please let us help you. For once, just stop being so damn stubborn. Stop trying to deal with this on your own. We can help you. All you have to do is let us.”

  Looking into my neglected friend’s face, I burst into tears. Instantly my nose was running, my eyes were blurry, and I was struggling to breathe between sobs. I cried openly and honestly for a long time. I felt like I couldn’t stop. There was just too much pain and misery behind my tears. Nothing could stop them from coming, nor even slow their flow.

  After what seemed like a lifetime, I sucked in a deep breath, ran my fingers through my hair, rubbed at my eyes, and looked up again. They hadn’t moved. Not even an inch. Heidi and Rhiannon were still sitting there beside me, patiently waiting for me to pull myself together.

  “You okay?” Rhiannon asked, squeezing my shoulder supportively. With all the energy I had left, I nodded.

  “So?” Heidi enquired timidly.

  Gulping back more tears I confessed everything. I told them about how, after Charli was born, Joel and I grew so tired we barely had time for each other anymore, and then how after Bianca was born the cracks in our already fragile marriage just became too wide to hurdle. How the long hours Joel was working were making him crazy. Eventually I got to the part where I told him I was pregnant again and he blamed me for the long hours he had to work. He confessed that it was my fault he never got to see his family because I was too lazy to work. I surprised even myself when I told them about him pushing me across the kitchen and crashing into the corner of the kitchen bench and the horror that had followed.

  Once the barrage started spewing forth from my mouth, there was nothing I could do to stop it. By the end of it, Heidi was a blubbering mess, Rhiannon was the angriest I had ever seen her, and I was just drained. But the emptiness inside me wasn’t a bad thing. It was as if the private hell I had been enduring for so long suddenly didn’t seem that bad. I had someone to share it and help me through it, to take away some of the hurt and anger and bitterness. Someone with new insight and a different way of looking at things.

  There was something comforting about Heidi and Rhiannon in that moment. I had been a bad friend—I would be the first to admit it and the last to deny it—but suddenly everything seemed different. All the years of neglect that I had put them though, all the times I had bailed on dinner or cancelled last minute on catching up, even all the text messages and emails that I had forgotten to return didn’t seem so bad anymore. The guilt that I had been carrying around, promising myself that one day I would make things right again, it all just seemed to simply vanish. After a very well timed hug, a few tears, and a collection of expletives, the bond between us was stronger than ever. And that gave me not only the strength to start but also the hope to win.

  After an hour I collected up my things. “I’m so sorry. I have to go. Adele will be going mad with the girls by now. I better go and save her.”

  I hugged each of them tightly. Heidi squeezed a bit too tight and I let out an involuntary gasp of pain. “Are you sure you’re all right?” Rhiannon questioned again.

  “Yeah. Just some deep bruising, nothing to worry about. It will be fine in a couple of days. It looks worse than it really is,” I admitted, tugging at my shirt protectively. I didn’t need a doctor to tell me what was wrong with me. This wasn’t my first rodeo.


  I had barely gotten out the door before they surrounded me in the gentlest and warmest hug I had received in a long time. Straining to hold back my tears, we stood there for a long time in the warm, silent embrace.

  “You know where we are if you need us,” Heidi reminded me again.

  “And there is always a spare bed for you and your girls if you need it,” Rhiannon added.

  “You sure you don’t want me to drop you back at your car? It’s no trouble, really.”

  “Thanks, but the walk will help clear my head.” I kissed them both again and jumped in the elevator back to the ground floor. And back to reality.

  Walking alone along the footpath, the sun setting behind a city of skyscrapers, there was a chill in the air. It was normal in Canberra; a beautiful day, and then the moment that the sun vanishes all the warmth is gone. The cool breeze made the tips of my ears sting and my nose run. But it was exactly what I needed. As I watched my breath condense in small, fluffy white clouds in front of my face I tried to prepare myself for what I would find when I got home. Would Adele be pulling her styled hair out? Would Joel even be there? Would the house still be standing or buried beneath a Barbie mountain? With a million thoughts in my head, I couldn’t help it. I walked slowly.

  I reached my car and, as the engine sputtered to life, the clock in the dashboard lit up, revealing the time. I knew I had been gone a long time, I just didn’t realize how long. It was already past seven. I should have cooked dinner by now and be getting the girls ready for bed. Silently cursing myself for being so selfish, I pushed my way into the evening traffic across the bridge and headed home.

  Minutes later I pulled into the driveway and was shocked to see Joel’s car parked there. Once the shock wore off, the fear took over. Joel’s car was there, but Adele’s wasn’t. She’d called Joel. He had come home. Now I’d have to face him.

  I knew it was coming. Of course I would have to face him sometime. We lived together. We shared a bed together. A life together. Children together. Even if we wanted to end this, we would never be able to just walk away. I would always be a part of Joel’s life and he would be a part of mine. As that realization sunk in, I took a deep breath, slung my handbag over my shoulder, and marched to the front door deliberately.

  As I pushed open the handle I couldn’t believe what I saw.

  Chapter Fourteen

  I didn’t realize I was holding my breath as I stepped over the threshold and into my home. Joel saw me come through the door and with a wide, warm smile, he greeted me the moment he spotted me. Honestly, I was frightened by what I saw. The table laid before me was immaculate. A perfectly pressed black satin tablecloth with red napkins and silver napkin rings. Two long silver tapering candles stood in the middle of the table, their flames flickering about with wild abandon.

  I couldn’t control it. Without thinking of the consequences I found myself blurting out, “What’s all this about?”

  “It’s an apology and a celebration.”

  “That’s an odd combination.”

  “Well, I guess I should start with an apology for last night. I should never have said the things that I did. And pushing you. You didn’t deserve it. I was out of line,” Joel began, the expression on his face full of sadness and remorse. I knew him well and I could see the pain in his eyes. Joel was hurting and secretly I was pleased that he was. His apology was sincere and from the heart, not forced from his lips by his mother.

  Instinctively I tugged at my sleeve, making sure the bruises were hidden from sight. If Joel was feeling bad, I wasn’t going to dig the knife in any more than it was already lodged. But Joel saw me do it. He reached out and took my hands in his. My hands were trembling and clammy. I wished they weren’t, but it was an uncontrollable reflex. As much as it killed me to admit it, it was the best feeling I had felt in a long time. The tenderness in his touch made an all too familiar heart flutter return. Something I hadn’t felt in years. Joel rolled back my sleeves ever so gently. With one look at my wrists he dropped my hands and jumped back, aghast.

  “Gillian!” Joel exclaimed as he continued backing away from me until he stepped on a Barbie doll and stumbled, cursing under his breath.

  Terrified by the look on his face, I didn’t know what to say. Inside I was still furious at what had happened. I know he’d apologized and he was honestly sorry for doing it, but the fact that he could actually do it bewildered and petrified me. Cautiously I stepped towards him. “Joel?”

  “Gillian, I am so sorry I hurt you. I don’t know what’s gotten into me. Please, join me for dinner,” Joel offered honestly, pulling out my chair before serving the plates and pouring wine.

  For a long moment we sat together in silence, sipping wine and nibbling at our dinner. It was a strained silence that hung between us. I was too frightened to say something that either of us would regret later. It was a truce. Somehow we’d agreed to a reprieve without words. I wasn’t sure when or where we’d learnt it, to speak without words, but somewhere in the silence I heard him reassuring me.

  Then suddenly, without warning, Joel began coughing and spluttering. Grabbing at his throat, he coughed and hacked and gagged. Without a word I jumped up and was hitting his back, willing him to breathe again. Moments later the drama subsided and Joel slumped back in his chair, breathing deeply.

  Sipping at his wine, Joel confessed, “When you first told me that you were pregnant again I was so blinded by all the dark thoughts in my head. I couldn’t see any good coming from having another child. We are already so lucky with our two beautiful daughters I didn’t want anything to ruin it. And you and I, well, we don’t really even know each other anymore. I have been so consumed with work we never get to spend any time together. Just us. Doing the things that we like. If we ever do see each other, it’s either in passing or we are meeting out the front of a ballet performance for Charli or at Bianca’s parent-teacher evenings. I don’t even remember the last time you and I just hung out together.”

  I couldn’t disagree with him. I couldn’t even remember what we thought was fun. But as soon as the thought crossed my mind, I wondered if Joel and I had ever actually had fun. In my memory Joel and I had a couple of crazy nights of passion and then responsibility kicked in. Since that moment our lives hadn’t been our own.

  “Joel, I want to ask you something. And I need you to be honest with me. At the very least you owe me that much.”

  “I owe you that,” he agreed, his eyes betraying his defeat.

  I dropped my knife and fork on the plate with a ding. For a long time I had wanted to ask, but I had always been too afraid. It was something that had played on my mind for years. The words had danced on the tip of my tongue the day of our wedding. When the celebrant asked if anyone objected, the thought crossed my mind to ask Joel then, but it didn’t seem the right time. And every day since, it still never seemed the right time, but now time had beaten me. If we were going to make it, now was the time to ask for the cold hard truth. “Did we ever have fun? Were we ever friends? Or was I just a fling that trapped you?”

  In the silence that followed I was almost paralyzed. Right there, in that moment, I wanted nothing more than the floor to open up and swallow me whole. I wished I’d kept my big mouth shut, but now it was out there. I couldn’t take it back.

  Joel looked appalled. I couldn’t read him. I don’t know if he was dismayed by the fact that I had asked my question aloud or if he was disgusted. But I was too stubborn tonight. Spending time with my girls had made me realize that I deserved more. I deserved to be loved and treated with respect. Not only for me, but for my kids as well. And on the drive home, I had made a promise to myself that no matter what happened next, no matter what Joel said or did, Bianca and Charli would not grow up in a home filled with hatred and bitterness.

  “Is that what you really think?” he asked through pained, tortured eyes.

  I felt myself turn bright red. I was ashamed I’d even asked. But then fury and rage set in. Why should I
feel humiliated about asking for the truth? I needed it. I was still so angry and so hurt after everything that had happened in the past twenty-four hours that I felt like I had been forced into asking. Struggling for breath, I swallowed hard. I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. Instead I just nodded pathetically.

  Joel put down his fork, folded his hands in his lap and looked at me. No, that was a bit of an understatement. He stared at me intently. There was something in his eyes that I had never seen before. Something new, something scary. “Gillian, I know that I have hurt you in more ways than you can imagine. And I’m sorry for that. More sorry than you will ever know. If I could take it back, I would. But I’m not that naïve. I can’t. So you’re just going to have to believe. If it takes me days and weeks and months and years to prove that to you, then that’s what I am going to do.”

  Joel reached out to hold my hand and instinctively I flinched. I didn’t mean it and I didn’t do it consciously, but I can’t pretend I didn’t cringe. And what made it worse, Joel saw it. Again, I had hurt him. “Gillian?” he asked as slowly he tried again. This time I focused and made sure I didn’t budge an inch.

  “I’m sorry,” I mumbled unconvincingly.

  “I know I’ve hurt you in every way that a person can hurt another, but you have to believe me; I would never again do that to you.” I watched as Joel sipped his wine. His words were sincere, but looking down I could see the marks on my wrists and everything became real again.

  Sighing heavily, I found the words tumbling from my mouth before I could stop them. “You didn’t answer my question. Did you ever love me or do you think that I just trapped you into a life you never wanted?”

  “Yes,” was all he offered, downing the rest of his glass of wine before hastily refilling and draining it again.

  I admit I was nervous but it was more than that. I was absolutely petrified. Gulping, I forced the words out. “Yes you loved me or yes I trapped you?”