Nobody Knows

by Rebecca Barber

  Joel put the empty wine glass back on the table. He looked at me with wide vacant eyes. Something had changed. The moment had passed. Gone was the tenderness in his face and instead there was an insurmountable distance between us. “Yes, you trapped me.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  My heart broke. I would have sworn they heard it around the world, the deafening sound of my heart shattering into a million pieces. Silent, salty tears streamed down my face and I didn’t even notice they were there. In my heart I knew Joel and I never had a normal courtship from the start. Well, we did, but it was in hyper-drive. Everything that a normal couple goes through in the first three years of their relationship, somehow Joel and I crammed it into the first three months.

  Again he reached out to take my hand and I pulled away. The difference was this time I knew I had done it. And this time I had deliberately tried to hurt him. I wanted him to feel the same pain that was killing me. I knew it was childish but I didn’t care. He broke my heart. I wanted nothing more than to destroy his.

  “Gillian…please just say something. Anything.”

  “Trust me, you don’t want to hear what I have to say right now,” I spat back nastily.

  “Let me explain.”

  “Fuck off! What the hell do you want to explain? Why are you still here when I trapped you all those years ago? Why haven’t you just left if you’re so damn unhappy?” I pushed my plate away. I was too repulsed to eat.

  “Calm down,” Joel snapped heatedly.

  “Don’t tell me to calm down. You have no right to tell me what to do.”

  “Shut up and let me finish, damn it! Yes, at the time I resented the fact that you were pregnant with Charli. I felt suffocated. But let me tell you I wouldn’t change the fact that we, you and I, are the proud parents of a beautiful daughter. And you can’t judge me for that. Yes, you told me you were pregnant and I freaked out. Who wouldn’t? We barely knew each other. But let me remind you, you freaked out as well. We weren’t ready. I wasn’t ready. But I don’t know why you doubt that I ever loved you. Do you remember the first time that I told you that I loved you? Do you?” he asked.

  By now I was sobbing. I couldn’t fault anything he had said. I did freak out about being a mum and everything else that was happening to me. With hormones ravaging my body, I found myself suddenly married and pregnant without a chance to figure out if this was something that I actually wanted. Now I just felt like a hypocrite for questioning him. “No,” I declared, embarrassed.

  “We were in the hospital. After twenty-two hours of labor, you were exhausted. Your hair was matted, your face was red and covered in sweat. Your wide eyes were pretty much hanging out of your head. My hand was numb from where you had spent the better part of the day before crushing it, and in your arms you held the most precious thing in the world, our daughter.” Joel’s eyes were full of tears. They were on the verge of spilling over and trickling down his cheeks. “Charli wrapped her tiny little hand around my finger and I realized how perfect she was. She was the spitting image of her mother. And I knew in that moment, I just knew, that I loved you. And not because I had just been through hell, but because you had given me something that no one else ever could.”

  “I don’t understand. You think I trapped you and ruined your perfect life, yet the day that I sealed your fate you decide that you love me? Does that make any sense to you?” I had given up trying to be diplomatic. In my mind I was in that place where I had nothing left to lose. I might as well put all of my cards on the table and hope Joel didn’t call my bluff.

  “Charli isn’t a bad thing. She didn’t ruin my life. I’ll admit that she completely transformed it. But it got even more wonderful. And when Bianca joined our family things just got better. I love you, but I had no idea how much our kids would transform our lives. My life. When Charli arrived I was amazed at how instantly and how much I loved her. Then Bianca joined us and I didn’t love Charli any less, I just found more space in my heart for her,” Joel confessed openly.

  I don’t know why I was being such a heartless bitch, but I couldn’t help it. “You didn’t get more capacity to love, Joel. You just stopped loving me and poured everything that you have into your job and your daughters.”

  “Is that what you truly believe? Deep down in your heart, past the pain, do you really think that I don’t love you?”

  “Give me a reason to believe something else. Anything else,” I challenged.

  “Gillian, I love you.”

  “Prove it,” I retorted with all the venom I could muster. In that moment I was nothing more than a heartbroken, defeated, furious bitch. We both knew it. The only difference was I didn’t care. Joel had hurt me and in that moment I could think of nothing more satisfying than revenge.

  “How, Gillian? Tell me what I have to do for you to believe me. What’s it going to take for you to get past this?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Sure you do or you wouldn’t have brought it up. You know exactly what you want.”

  “No, I don’t.”

  Joel huffed heavily. He was trying to play the victim now; make it sound like everything was being done to him and nothing was his fault. God forbid he actually step up and be a man and take some responsibility for a change. “Just tell me what you want. Stop playing these childish, pathetic games and just tell me what it is you want, Gillian.”

  I stared at him. The man sitting beside me was not the man I met in the office that day. The man I met that day had passion, had fire, had confidence and had that strange sex appeal that made my insides squirm. But that man was gone. I hadn’t seen him in years. Our marriage had become the typical joke. As soon as the ring had been placed on my finger and our daughters were tucked up in their beds, the passion fizzled. We no longer bothered to make time for each other. We’d given up trying to impress each other. And I’ll admit I was as much to blame as Joel was. I could go days without shaving my legs and I honestly couldn’t remember the last time I had even bothered to get a bikini wax. But we had kids and careers and lives that seemed to get in the way. Unfortunately, our problem was that we accepted it as the way it was rather than fighting for something better. Fighting for what it was we wanted. Fighting to reclaim us.

  “You really want to know what it is that I want?” I threatened.

  “I’m begging you, Gillian. Tell me. What is it that you want?”

  I took a breath, trying to tame the barrage inside me. “I want a life. I want a husband who comes home to his family and is happy to be there. I don’t want someone who comes home and looks at me as if I am in the way. I want you to want to be here with us. And more than that. I want to be able to have time off. Time to be me. Time to spend doing the things I like. I don’t always want to be the responsible one. The one who makes sure the kids are fed and bathed and homework is done. Occasionally I would like someone else to do that. I feel like I am doing all this alone.” I forced myself to pause. I didn’t want Joel to think I was berating him with my tirade, which in fact was exactly what I was doing.

  But as the words flowed freely from my heart I finally grasped that that was exactly what I wanted. I don’t know if I knew it before that moment and just never said it aloud or if I just realized that that was what I wanted as I said it. I wanted a partner, not just someone who showed up occasionally.

  “I can do that. I can be that man for you, Gillian. You just need to let me,” I heard Joel say no louder than a whisper.

  It took me a full minute to comprehend what he had said. “Sorry?” I asked nervously. I needed him to repeat it. I didn’t want to pin my hopes on something that I thought I heard. I wanted solid commitment.

  “I can do that for you. I can be here. I can help you.”

  “Don’t do it out of guilt or just to shut me up, Joel. You need you to do this because you want to. You need to want to spend time with your family. And that’s what we are, Joel. And believe me, I know it’s scary. We are still so young and we have two daughters
and another on the way. But we have made it this far, there’s no point giving up now.” I was hoping I wasn’t pushing him too far, but instead encouraging him to choose what was best for him. Then all I had to do was hope that what was best for him was also best for the rest of us.

  I watched as Joel’s head sunk into his hands. I stared at his hands, waiting. With the memory of last night in my mind I was silently terrified of him exploding, but it needed to be said. There was no point ignoring this any longer. If I wanted my life to get better, I had to start somewhere. That’s when I noticed his left hand. His wedding ring was missing.

  “Where is your wedding ring?” I questioned incredulously. We could fight and argue, but in my eyes taking off your wedding ring meant something, something real, something hurtful.

  “God, Gillian, it’s never just one thing with you, is it?” Joel shook his head. He was angry now. His face was red and his eyes bulging. Grabbing his napkin from his lap, Joel threw it down on the centre of the table with force that I had never seen before. Pushing his chair away from the table, Joel stormed into the kitchen. I didn’t follow him. I was frozen to the spot, too afraid to move or make a sound. And in that moment all I could think of was Charli and Bianca. Asleep like angels, tucked up in their room, they didn’t need to hear or see this. Suddenly I wished that they had gone to stay with Adele for the night.

  Storming back into the room, I could smell the rum from the tumbler in his hand. “You say that you want a break from your kids, then why are you having another one? You say you want me to want to be here, but why would I want that? Why would I want to come home and be stuck here? Why would I want to spend time with you when you don’t even want to spend time with yourself?” Joel stormed, downing the rest of his drink.

  “They’re your kids too, Joel. It takes two, you know. You should want to be here. You say you love me, yet you and I haven’t done anything or been anywhere alone together in over three years. I want to spend time on my own, but without you here to take care of the girls, I can’t. I can’t just go out and do my own thing and leave them here to fend for themselves; they’re still little girls,” I defended. I should have been prepared to defend what I wanted, I should have known he would turn it around, but I hadn’t thought it through that far.

  “Fine!” he puffed dramatically. “I’ll do whatever you want me to do. I will be home every Tuesday and Thursday by six. On Tuesday night I will organize dinner for the four of us and we will have family time. No other commitments, just the four of us. I will bathe the girls, help with homework, and do whatever else needs doing around here. So after dinner is done, you can do anything you want. It’s up to you. Then on Thursdays I will come home at six and you can go out. I will spend the night with Charli and Bianca and you can do whatever. Go to the movies, out for coffee, visit the girls, I really don’t care. Is that good enough for you?” He was so clinical and unemotional about his declaration I found myself wondering if he actually meant it or it would just be another thing that he was going to do until something better came up.

  But now was not the time to jinx him. Instead, I found myself nodding meekly.

  “So now you shut up? You got what you wanted and now you’re quiet.” Joel shook his head as he walked back into the kitchen.

  “Where’s your wedding ring?” I dared ask again.

  “What?” he snapped, reappearing with his glass refilled.

  “I just asked where your wedding ring is,” I repeated.

  “I took it off.” He drained his glass, put it on the counter, and sauntered into our bedroom, slamming the door as he passed. I knew in moments he would be passed out on the bed, snoring.

  Chapter Sixteen

  I couldn’t bring myself to sleep in my own bed that night. I looked at the clock and it was a little after two in the morning. I hadn’t noticed the time passing, but I had been staring into the blank television and, as the minutes ticked by, I curled my legs beneath me and hugged myself absentmindedly. I was hurt. But I was hanging in there. Right then, in that moment, that was all I could do. I stretched out my tired, aching muscles as much as I could before curling up into a ball. It wasn’t so much a sleep as it was a thousand cat naps strung together with unwanted moments of panic.

  The night passed slowly, but when I woke the haze in my head still hadn’t cleared. If anything, it was denser than before. Feeling like I had been hit by a bus, I padded softly towards the bedroom, trying desperately not to wake anyone. I stole a glance at the clock. It was a little after five. The house was still silent and dark. I knew I had at least another hour and a half before the girls began to stir.

  I opened the door, and to say I was shocked by what I saw was the understatement of the century. I’d imagined I would push open the door and sneak in to see Joel spread-eagled on the bed snoring happily. But he was nowhere to be seen. He must have snuck out the side gate before I woke.

  Instead, the room was buried beneath a mountain of boxes. I don’t know where they had come from, but standing beside the bed, taller than me, was a cardboard tower. Startled, I walked through the wardrobe into the en suite. I splashed cold water on my face, then tipped my neck and heard the crack caused by the uncomfortable couch. I noticed that something wasn’t quite right. Glancing around the en suite, something was missing, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Convincing myself I was going crazy, I turned and left. I almost made it out of the wardrobe before I noticed what had vanished. Me.

  All my clothes were missing from the closet. None of my shampoo or moisturizer or perfume was on the countertop in the bathroom. I immediately became enraged and obsessed. I found myself pulling open drawers and opening cupboards. Everything I owned was gone. None of my pajamas were in the pajama drawer. My sock drawer was empty. The bathroom cabinet had been wiped clean. Every trace of my existence in that room was gone.

  Suddenly, I couldn’t breathe. It was all too much. I slid down the door frame and sucked in deep breaths. I wasn’t sure where the tears had come from, but they streamed undisturbed down my face.

  “Mum!” the howl came. Someone was awake, but I couldn’t pull myself up from the floor. I was paralyzed with shock and dismay. Then the call came again and the time for my own drama was gone. Just like that. One word and all my thoughts and problems were no longer a priority.

  Eventually I dragged my astonished, aching body from the floor and stalked back out of the room. I didn’t mean it but I let the door slam behind me, shaking the windows.

  “Oops,” I heard myself apologize half-heartedly.

  I found the girls were awake and already in the middle of getting dressed. I looked at Bianca and her mismatched clothes and found myself smiling. When I realized I was smiling, I stopped myself. But that was the last thing I should have been doing. I had just discovered that my loving, caring husband had packed all my clothes and toiletries into boxes and kicked me out of my own bedroom. There was nothing to smile about. Yet there I was, standing in the doorway to Bianca’s room, unable to wipe the stupid, cheesy grin from my face. And in that moment, with my hands resting protectively across my pregnant belly, I made a decision that would change everything I knew. No matter what Joel said or did to me next, he would never hurt my children. And he had no hope in hell of getting rid of me and keeping them. It was all or none.

  “Mummy,” Bianca sang sweetly, looking up at me with wide, innocent, hopeful eyes. “Look, Mummy. I did my own hair. Is it pretty?”

  Using all my strength, I managed to stifle a giggle. Yes, Bianca had done her own hair, and it was stunning. Somehow she had managed to defy not only reason but gravity as well, and amongst her beautiful brown locks was every clip, every ribbon, and every barrette that she’d ever owned. “Yes, darling. You look beautiful,” I cooed, adjusting a clip that was falling out.

  “Can I go and show Charli?” Her adorable wide white smile beamed up at me. I couldn’t help being in love with my daughter.

  “Go on, I’m sure Charli will be impressed.”
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  I just stood there, frozen to the spot as she pushed past me and skipped down the hallway to find her sister. When I heard giggling, I headed back towards the kitchen to begin my day. Make breakfast, prepare lunches, and drop the girls at school before grocery shopping, picking up Charli a new pair of swimmers for lessons later on that afternoon, and a quick trip to the doctor’s before I picked them up again. Even being a mum without a day job was tiring. I never had more than five minutes in a row to myself. But admittedly, I wouldn’t have asked for anything different.

  I gave one final fleeting thought to the boxes neatly stacked in my old bedroom. Part of me wanted to storm into Joel’s office and just yell and scream and make a scene, but the other part of me, the more stable, mature part, wanted nothing more than to pack the girls’ belongings, load it all onto a truck, and drive away. The way I was feeling I knew I could have the house sterile and empty again before Joel even noticed. I just wished I knew what his next move would be.

  Moments later I was securing the girls’ seatbelts and headed for school.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Joel

  Striding through the office as purposefully as he could, chest puffed out, trying to look busy and important, Joel barely managed a snort as he was greeted much too cheerily by the busty blonde receptionist behind the desk.

  “Someone’s snotty this morning,” she taunted under her breath before refocusing her attention on her long, fake, bright pink fingernails.

  “Have you got something you want to say to me?” Joel snapped, appearing immediately beside her. He hadn’t heard the actual words she had said, but he had known for a couple of weeks now that she thought he was a jerk. And she provoked him every chance she could.