With or Without You

by Helen Warner

  ‘Where’s Charlie?’ Martha asked, taking a sip of her drink and gasping at the strength of it. It was almost half gin.

  Liv took a long sip, seemingly unaware that it was so strong. ‘With Felix. They’re both so happy to be together again.’

  Martha looked down through the blurred water at Liv’s feet in distracted fascination. They were the feet of someone who was used to pedicures. They were the feet of a film star.

  ‘Are you OK?’ Liv asked, after a while, as Martha continued to gaze at her feet.

  Martha shrugged. ‘I don’t know.’

  Liv nodded but didn’t say any more, and the two women sat side by side in comfortable silence, sipping their gin and tonics, each of them deep in thought.

  Liv had ordered pizza for them all earlier in the evening, but Martha had had no appetite and had only nibbled a slice before almost falling asleep at the table. Liv had shown her to a bedroom then, saying, ‘I’ll put you and Charlie in here, if that’s ok . . .’ Despite her desperate tiredness, Martha had gasped in horror and was just about to explain to Liv that she had got the wrong end of the stick when Charlie appeared.

  ‘Thanks, Liv, but we need a room each, if that’s ok,’ he said easily. ‘I might have a nap myself actually,’ he added.

  Liv had flushed with embarrassment but had quickly recovered, showing him to a bedroom further down the hall.

  Martha didn’t even remember lying down, but when she awoke two hours later, she did feel slightly better. Until she remembered where she was and what had happened.

  ‘Has Charlie told you?’ she asked Liv, breaking the long silence and looking up at this woman who was so famous, yet somehow so very familiar. ‘I mean, has he told you what happened before we came?’

  Liv shook her head. ‘No. We’re not . . . well, we’re not really on such good terms any more. You know, ever since . . .’ she tailed off.

  Martha held her gaze and waited for her to continue.

  ‘So I don’t think he would confide in me, is what I’m saying,’ Liv concluded.

  Martha sighed and looked back into the pool. It didn’t matter if you were a VIP or plain old Martha Lamont, the pain and the hurt were exactly the same. Charlie had felt the desperation that she was feeling now when this woman had decided that she didn’t want him any more.

  ‘You’re so lucky,’ Liv said suddenly, causing Martha to look up in surprise.

  ‘How so?’

  Liv smiled ruefully. ‘Oh, I don’t know . . . having the freedom to do what you want without the press dogging your every move, describing you as fat if you put on three ounces, calling you a bitch because of who you fall in love with – that sort of thing. If you’re going to be with Charlie, make damn sure you protect your privacy. Once it’s gone, it’s gone for good.’

  For a moment Martha couldn’t think what to say. The idea that Liv Mason, with her famous boyfriend, her successful career and her multi-million dollar home, could be jealous of her was breathtaking.

  ‘I don’t think it’s ever likely to be a problem,’ she said at last, frowning slightly.

  ‘Are you . . .?’ Liv began, and Martha could see a tiny pulse throbbing in her neck. ‘Are you and Charlie not together?’

  Martha half-smiled. ‘God, no!’ she said, then immediately felt disloyal to Charlie. ‘I mean, I only met him for the first time the day before yesterday,’ she added. As she spoke, Martha thought back to just two short days ago, when her life was so simple and so happy. Before her whole world had fallen in on itself and left her wrung out and empty.

  ‘I’m ghosting his memoirs,’ she continued by way of explanation. ‘So I’ve got to hang out with him for a bit. I’m researching him, that’s all.’

  Liv frowned, unsure why she felt relieved by the news. ‘Oh, I thought there was more to it than that! I don’t mean to sound rude, but you don’t seem very fired up by the project. And Charlie is . . .’

  ‘What?’ Martha prompted, when Liv had hesitated for too long.

  ‘Different,’ Liv said carefully. ‘He’s sort of protective of you. Reminds me of how he used to be with me.’ She paused again and Martha again detected that note of envy in her voice. ‘Are you sure there’s nothing going on between you? Not even a spark?’

  Martha swallowed. ‘Something happened after we met that has made it very difficult with my husband . . .’ she began.

  Liv nodded knowingly. ‘The photos.’

  Martha didn’t have the energy to correct her. ‘Let’s just say the photos didn’t help. So . . . you’re off to Hawaii tomorrow?’ she said, desperately wanting to change the subject.

  Liv nodded. ‘Yup.’

  ‘Sounds exciting.’

  Liv looked at Martha and smiled. ‘I hope so.’

  Martha thought Liv’s eyes were like deep pools of sorrow. There was angst and disquiet behind her stare. She also noticed that Liv had drained her drink in seconds, while she had managed only a couple of sips.

  ‘What’s he like – Danny, I mean?’ she asked, wondering if he was the source of her troubles.

  Liv’s face lit up. ‘He’s . . . well, he’s great, actually. Very cool and not at all how you think he’d be. He’s—’ She stopped speaking suddenly. ‘Oh my God,’ she said, her expression dropping once more. ‘What am I thinking? You’re a journalist!’ She shook her head as if furious at her own stupidity.

  Martha reached across and grabbed Liv’s hand. ‘Believe me,’ she said, fixing Liv with an intense gaze. ‘I am more grateful than you can imagine for you welcoming me into your home the way you have, when I am at possibly the lowest point in my own life. I won’t betray you, I promise. Believe it or not, journalists are the most discreet people ever when they have to be.’

  Liv picked up her glass and gave it a disappointed stare, as if she had only just realised it was empty. ‘OK, fair enough.’ She stood up and brushed herself down. Her bare feet left perfect wet footprints on the stone terrace surrounding the pool, as she began to walk slightly unsteadily back towards the house, leaving behind a trail of Hermès scent. ‘Oh, and Martha?’ she said, turning back. ‘While you’re feeling in a benign mood towards me . . .’

  Martha looked up. ‘Yes?’

  ‘Don’t be too hard on me in his memoirs, will you?’

  Chapter 19

  Jamie opened his eyes and looked around in surprise, momentarily forgetting where he was and why he was lying on the floor of the bedroom. His back was stiff where the wide wooden floorboards had refused to yield to his spine during the long night.

  A stark strip of light was slicing the gloom over the top of the blackout blind. Despite the early hour, he could already tell that it was going to be a beautiful day. The sort of day he usually loved, especially if Martha was around to share it with him. Often they would see the kids off to school and then pick up a couple of coffees and go and lay on the beach, reading. One of the advantages of a freelance life.

  He picked up his phone and rolled onto his back to check whether he had any messages from Martha. There was just one message, from Lindsay, sent at 5.04 a.m.

  Can’t sleep for worrying about Martha. Think you should go to LA and get her. She must be in pieces. PS, you are such a f**kwit!

  Jamie closed his eyes and laid the phone back on the floor. That was being kind. There weren’t the words to describe what he was. Eventually, he picked his phone up again.

  What about the kids? he texted.

  Lindsay was right. He needed to go to LA to try to get Martha back. He needed to prove to her that he was serious. But he couldn’t just walk out and leave the kids home alone. And he had to be careful not to alarm them or alert them that something was seriously wrong between their parents. His phone rumbled on the floorboards beside him and he snatched it up hopefully.

  ‘It’s me,’ Lindsay said in her brusque, northern twang.

  Jamie’s heart plummeted. He had been hoping it was Martha. Even though he was terrified of what she might say to him, he was more terrified of
her not calling at all. ‘Oh, hi,’ he managed.

  ‘What about Martha’s mum? Couldn’t she come down and look after them for a few days?’

  ‘But she’ll want to know why,’ Jamie’s insides churned at the thought of Jane’s wrath if she were to discover what he had done to her only daughter.

  ‘Then grow some balls and bloody well tell her!’ Lindsay snapped. ‘If she gives you a hard time, tough. You deserve it.’

  ‘Christ, Lindsay,’ Jamie sighed. ‘I’m not trying to wheedle out of anything here. I know what I’ve done is terrible . . .’

  ‘The worst,’ Lindsay hissed.

  Jamie continued, trying to ignore her. ‘If I tell Jane the truth, she might refuse to have the kids. She might think Martha’s better off without me and not want me to go chasing across the world after her.’

  ‘She won’t. Jane’s a grown-up. She’ll give you a hard time, sure, but she won’t refuse to have the kids. You know she won’t.’

  Jamie thought about it. He was absolutely petrified at the idea of confessing all to Jane, who scared him even when she was feeling benevolent towards him. ‘I’ll think about it,’ he sighed.

  ‘Well don’t think too long – you need to go and get her.’ She hung up without saying goodbye.

  Jamie rolled onto all fours and stood up stiffly. He went out onto the landing, where he met Tom coming back from his regular early-morning visit to the bathroom. ‘Hey champ,’ he smiled, ruffling Tom’s already dishevelled hair.

  ‘Hey,’ Tom replied, raising a lazy hand by way of salute as he headed for the stairs.

  ‘Listen, Tom,’ Jamie began. ‘What would you think about Granny coming to look after you for a few days?’

  Tom looked back at Jamie and shrugged nonchalantly. ‘Fine,’ he said, before continuing down the stairs.

  ‘Why, where are you going?’ said Mimi, coming out of her room and startling Jamie.

  ‘Um, well, I thought I might go to LA to meet Mum for a few days.’ Jamie was aware that he couldn’t meet Mimi’s suspicious gaze.

  ‘Why? You don’t usually go.’

  Jamie sighed. Mimi’s radar was so finely tuned that it was nigh on impossible to get anything past her. Unable to answer her straightaway, he reached out and pulled her into his embrace, resting his chin on the top of her silky blonde hair, which smelt of sleep and shampoo. ‘Well, you know that I mentioned we had a bit of a row yesterday? I just thought I would surprise her by going out there, to show that things are cool between us.’

  ‘But are things cool between you?’ Mimi murmured into his chest. ‘Because I don’t think they are. I think,’ she said, pulling away from Jamie and looking up at him, ‘that she has run off with Charlie bloody buggery Simmons and that you want to go out there and have a fight with him to get her back’

  Jamie almost smiled but his mouth wouldn’t let him. ‘She hasn’t run off with Charlie bloody buggery Simmons and I’m not going to have a fight with anyone. I just want to see her and show her how much I love her.’

  Mimi’s eyes narrowed but she shrugged. ‘You’re obviously not going to tell me what’s really going on . . . but I would be fine for Granny to come down for a few days to look after us. In fact, I’d like to see her.’

  ‘Thanks, darling.’ Jamie stroked her face tenderly and cursed himself for the millionth time that he could have put the happiness of the three people he loved most in the world in such jeopardy.

  He went downstairs and prepared breakfast for the children, then set to work on their packed lunches, all the while trying to pluck up the courage to call Jane. On autopilot, he printed out some puzzles from the Internet and put them in each of their lunchboxes, grimacing with shame as he realised that because of what had happened yesterday, he had completely forgotten to put anything in. He knew he had to try to restore normality as quickly as possible. Mimi was already suspicious, but if he could just get through the next day or so, he might get away with it. At least as far as the children were concerned.

  He picked up the landline phone and scrolled through the pre-set numbers until he came to Jane’s. With a shaking hand, he pressed ‘Dial’.

  ‘Hello?’ Jane answered as curtly as she always did, her voice a combination of suspicion and worry.

  ‘Jane, it’s Jamie,’ he began.

  ‘What’s wrong? What’s happened?’ she said immediately, sounding panicked.

  ‘No! Nothing’s happened. Well, nothing terrible. I mean, nothing that I can really go into over the phone . . .’ Jamie was rambling and could feel the sweat starting to bead on his forehead. ‘I just need your help with something . . .’

  ‘OK,’ Jane replied carefully. It was rare for Jamie to call her, let alone ask for her help, and he could tell that she didn’t trust him.

  ‘Martha’s had to go to LA for a few days, and I was thinking of going out there to surprise her.’

  There was a pause. ‘Are you sure that’s a good idea?’ Jane said. ‘Presumably she’s working, so she might not want to be distracted?’

  ‘I think she would quite like me to come,’ Jamie lied. ‘She’s feeling a bit homesick and she’s not working twenty-four hours a day, so we’d have some time to be together.’ He hoped he sounded convincing.

  ‘Um, well, I suppose I could,’ Jane said after another interminable pause. ‘I’ll need to rearrange a few things. When were you thinking of going?’

  ‘As soon as possible,’ Jamie replied, trying not to feel frustrated at his mother-in-law’s lack of enthusiasm. She didn’t get to see the children that often. Surely she should be delighted by the opportunity to spend some time with them? ‘Could you come now?’ he prompted.

  ‘Now?’ Jane repeated, sounding aghast. ‘Couldn’t you have given me a bit more notice?’

  ‘I only just thought of it!’ Jamie cried through gritted teeth. Now that he had decided to go, he wanted to get on a plane as quickly as possible.

  Jane sighed heavily, as if the weight of the world was now resting on her shoulders. ‘Oh, OK then. I suppose you’ll want me to drive myself down?’

  ‘That would be great,’ Jamie admitted. He had so much to do and such a short space of time in which to do it that taking a couple of hours out to drive to Surrey would be an almighty nuisance.

  ‘Fine,’ Jane said, with a large sigh that suggested it wasn’t really fine but that she would put up with it.

  Jamie hung up, then logged onto the computer to see about getting a flight. His heart had started beating faster and he felt the first spark of optimism since Martha had made her awful discovery. He felt as though he was doing something positive. Something to show her how serious he was about winning her back.

  Having booked his flight, he texted Lindsay.

  Leaving for LA today. Jane coming to look after the kids.

  Normally, he would have signed off with a kiss, but he felt that Lindsay probably wouldn’t appreciate it under the circumstances.

  Just as he was waiting for a reply, Mimi came into the kitchen, dressed and ready for school.

  ‘I’ve booked my flight and Granny’s coming,’ he told her, smiling reassuringly.

  ‘OK,’ Mimi said with a disconsolate sigh.

  ‘Hey,’ Jamie looked at her closely. ‘Everything’s going to be OK, you know?’

  Mimi nodded without returning his gaze. ‘I’d better go,’ she added, picking up her lunchbox and heading for the door.

  Jamie watched her go guiltily. ‘Love you,’ he said.

  ‘Whatever,’ she replied, closing the door behind her without a backward glance.

  Just then, his phone beeped.

  What do you want? A bloody medal?

  Jamie shook his head at Lindsay’s text. Every single one of the women in his life hated him.

  By the time Jane arrived, Jamie was packed and raring to go. He watched out of the window as his mother-in-law pulled onto the drive and climbed out of her Ford Fiesta, looking around her with a slightly disdainful air.

  ‘Hi Jane!�
�� Jamie called, as he opened the front door and walked over to greet her with a stilted kiss on each cheek. Jane was a very attractive woman in her early sixties with shoulder-length brown hair that was only just beginning to be flecked with grey, and a slim, toned figure that any woman would envy.

  But even though she had only ever been pleasant to him, Jamie was terrified of her. Her grey-green eyes seemed to bore into him in a way that always made him feel as if she could see right through him. And sure enough, as she walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table, once again he felt himself floundering in the spotlight of her incisive gaze.

  ‘So what’s going on then, James?’ she said matter-of-factly.

  Jamie’s mouth dropped open, then closed again.

  ‘And don’t say “nothing” because I won’t believe you,’ Jane added.

  ‘Phew . . .’ Jamie exhaled as he sat down and faced her. ‘Well, I don’t know why you would think something was wrong . . .’ he stammered, playing for time.

  ‘You’ve been married to my daughter for all these years and never once have you felt the need to race across the world to see her at a moment’s notice when she’s on an assignment. There’s obviously something wrong. You don’t have to tell me what it is but I suspect I can guess.’

  Jamie swallowed. There was never any possibility of pulling the wool over Jane’s eyes. She was like a sniffer dog for the truth.

  ‘OK,’ he shrugged, resigned to having to confess. ‘OK, I’ll tell you. Before she left . . . Martha found out that I had . . .’ he tailed off again, unable to find the words.

  ‘That you had had an affair,’ Jane finished the sentence for him. Her face remained impassive.

  ‘It was nothing,’ Jamie insisted, shaking his head. ‘It meant nothing.’

  ‘I hope you didn’t tell Martha that!’ Jane snapped.

  Jamie frowned in confusion. ‘Yes, I did,’ he said, chewing his lip nervously. ‘Why?’

  ‘Because it’s pathetic, that’s why!’ Jane snapped. ‘Did you or did you not have sex more than once with someone other than Martha?’

  ‘Oh God,’ Jamie groaned.

  ‘Well?’ Jane pushed. ‘Did you?’