With or Without You

by Helen Warner

  Miserably, Jamie nodded his head. ‘Yes,’ he mumbled.

  ‘Then it was a bloody affair!’ Jane hissed. ‘You claiming that “it meant nothing”’, she made speechmarks with her fingers while simultaneously shooting Jamie a look of pure disgust, ‘only makes it worse. You need to man up and admit that you’re a cheating little shit and do whatever you can to make it up to Martha. And after everything she’s done for you too!’

  Jamie had always known that Jane was feisty but he had never seen her so fierce.

  ‘Well, that’s what I’m trying to do . . .’ he mumbled, when he found the ability to speak again.

  ‘And what about the woman?’ Jane spat.

  ‘What woman?’

  ‘The one you’ve been having an affair with!’ Jane’s eyes blazed with exasperation as she spoke.

  ‘What about her?’ Jamie shook his head, unsure what Jane was getting at.

  ‘Have you told her it’s over?’

  ‘Yes! No! Well, not exactly . . . I mean,’ he added, as Jane made as if she was going to leap across the table and hit him, ‘I mean that I didn’t need to “end it” because it wasn’t a relationship.’

  ‘How long did it last?’

  ‘Six months,’ Jamie admitted sheepishly.

  ‘Well then it was a bloody relationship! Just like it was a bloody affair! God, you’re pathetic . . .’ she glared at him malevolently.

  Jamie took a deep breath. ‘Look, Jane,’ he began, trying to meet her eye. ‘I know that what I’ve done is bad. I’m not trying to wriggle out of anything. All I’m saying is that apart from . . . well, apart from the sex, I had no kind of relationship with this woman. I don’t know her at all, really. She won’t care that it’s over because there was nothing else there.’

  Jane blinked slowly and deliberately, as if she was weighing up whether or not to believe him. She must have decided to give him the benefit of the doubt because eventually she nodded. ‘OK, well you should probably get going,’ she said, standing up stiffly.

  Jamie stood up on wobbly legs. ‘Yes,’ he agreed. ‘Are you sure you’ll be OK with the kids? I’ve left all the instructions about their after-school clubs and lunches and—’

  ‘I’ll be fine,’ Jane cut him off firmly, her normal composure now apparently restored. ‘Take as long as you need,’ she added awkwardly.

  Jamie hesitated, unsure whether or not to embrace her, but decided that Jane wasn’t normally one for hugs, let alone when she had just discovered that he had cheated on her daughter.

  ‘Well, I guess I’ll be off then.’ He headed gratefully for the front door, where his bag was packed and waiting. He snatched it up and closed the door behind him, suddenly desperate to get started on the most important journey of his life.

  Chapter 20

  Charlie knew as soon as he woke up that it was still ridiculously early, but he couldn’t sleep any longer and his body clock was all over the place. He glanced around the room he was sleeping in. It was white and minimalist, very LA. He felt as though he should have been more ill at ease, staying in the home his ex-wife shared with her boyfriend, but he had been too tired last night to argue and was actually quite grateful to Liv for her suggestion that he and Martha stay here while she was away. But this morning he was filled with a renewed sense of unreality about the situation.

  He was worried about Martha. He had encouraged her to come with him because he recognised in her all the same feelings he had experienced four years ago and he felt sorry for her; now he wasn’t so sure it was the right thing to have done. She looked so worn out, so stressed and devastated that he was scared she might have some sort of breakdown and he would feel entirely responsible.

  Martha hadn’t slept at all on the plane, despite being in the first-class compartment with free-flowing champagne, the best food and wine on tap and a cosy bed-pod to snuggle up in. But every time he woke up and looked over at her, she was wrapped tightly in her duvet and staring glassily into space. She didn’t watch any movies or read a book. She didn’t even eat or drink anything other than water. She just stared.

  With a shudder, Charlie thought back to his own journey home to the UK after Liv had left him, and he knew that he had behaved in exactly the same way. It was impossible to think about anything else, let alone read or eat or talk. Heartbreak was an utterly debilitating illness, impacting on both your physical and mental health.

  Charlie rubbed his face in an effort to erase the hideous memories and rolled out of bed. The sandstone tiles felt deliciously cool beneath his bare feet as he padded to the vast bathroom, listening out for any signs of life in the rest of the house, but all he could hear was the whirring of the air conditioning.

  He peered at himself in the mirror above the sink. Despite his lack of sleep, he was surprised to see that he looked less tired and anxious than usual and that his skin appeared to be glowing with good health. He knew why. It was the only medicine that ever worked for him and it was the only one he couldn’t get on prescription. It was Felix. Being with his son was like a drug that nourished and revitalised him in a way that nothing else could. As soon as he held the boy in his arms and kissed his smooth cheek, it was as if his internal battery was instantly recharged and he felt as though he could take on anyone or anything.

  He had spent four long, draining years aching for the day-to-day contact that he had been able to have in Felix’s early years and now he wanted to have that again; he deserved it and he needed it. It had never occurred to him to go for custody at the beginning. The shock and the stress of the break-up meant that he couldn’t think clearly about anything but trying to get through the next day.

  He tensed as he thought about Liv. She would fight him, he knew that. But he had been Felix’s main carer and had turned down several acting jobs to look after his son, whereas Liv had put her career first and then run off with her leading man without a second thought about what was best for her child’s wellbeing. And, more importantly, he wasn’t entirely sure how stable Liv was right now. She seemed to be drinking too much and, having suffered from depression in the past, Charlie suspected that she might be on the verge of succumbing to its grip once again. And with all the rumours of Danny’s infidelity, he was fairly certain that he and Liv wouldn’t be together much longer, which only strengthened his resolve. It would mean Felix was in an unstable environment with an unstable mother. Surely no judge in the world would decide that he was better off with her than with his devoted father?

  A little voice at the back of his mind whispered that Liv was a good mother to Felix, but he pushed it aside. He had let her have things her way for too long because he was still in love with her. Well, not any more. He would probably always love her but he wasn’t in love with her now. The hurt and pain she had inflicted was beginning to fade at last and he felt as though he was finally starting to get over her, to move on with his life.

  He padded out into the hallway and blinked at the light, which even through the customary smog that hung over LA in the early mornings was still somehow searing. The light always caught him unawares when he came here, even though he had been so many times now.

  The house was spectacular, Charlie had to concede, as he made his way into the kitchen, which, like everything else, had been designed on a grand scale. He grinned to himself as he thought back to the little cottage in Surrey where he and Liv had begun their lives together and which had been Felix’s first home. It seemed like a doll’s house in comparison to this place. Charlie hadn’t counted but he already knew the house must have at least six bedrooms and bathrooms. But then, Danny Nixon was one of Hollywood’s biggest names. It would be strange if he didn’t own some massive pile in the Hills.

  Charlie put the kettle on to boil and rummaged around for some English teabags, which he knew Liv would have. She couldn’t start the day without it. He opened the cupboard nearest to him but it contained only cleaning products, and he was just about to close it again when something caught his eye.

  He be
nt down and peered in beyond the various cleaning sprays and bleaches, noticing that there were several empty wine bottles, two empty gin bottles and an empty bottle of vodka at the back. He hesitated for a second before closing the cupboard again. It wasn’t that unusual to have empty bottles in the house. If anyone checked his ‘empties’ count for a month, it would probably amount to much the same. But why were they hidden in the cleaning cupboard?

  He opened another cupboard and found the teabags and cups. He took one cup out, before taking out another two. He had always made Liv a cup of tea in the mornings when they were together and she used to say that no-one could make it like him. Maybe he would make her one now.

  Just as he had finished preparing the tea, Martha came into the kitchen wearing a white vest top and a pair of denim shorts. She looked fresh and pretty but there was a pain in her eyes that Charlie recognised all too well. When he had first met her those eyes had sparkled with life and humour; now it was as if the brightness control had been turned down.

  ‘Morning,’ he smiled, suddenly feeling shy. He barely knew this woman and yet he had dragged her halfway across the world with him. ‘Couldn’t sleep either?’

  Martha looked around distractedly and shook her head, making her hair sway in dark brown rivulets over her shoulders and causing a stirring in the pit of Charlie’s stomach. ‘I made you some tea,’ he said, handing her a cup.

  ‘Oh. Thank you.’ Martha took the cup gratefully and sank down into one of the chairs around the huge table, where she drank it greedily.

  Charlie watched her, amused. ‘You needed that!’

  ‘I did,’ she agreed, smiling, although the smile didn’t reach her eyes.

  ‘I, um . . .’ Charlie began haltingly. ‘I made Liv a cup too but I’m not sure if she’ll be awake yet . . .’ He looked anxiously towards the hallway leading to Liv’s bedroom.

  Martha stood up immediately. ‘Would you like me to go?’

  ‘Thanks,’ he nodded.

  Charlie watched, transfixed, as she picked up the cup and headed out of the room. He couldn’t take his eyes off her. Her husband was an idiot, he decided.

  ‘Actually,’ he said, snapping out of his trance and stopping her just before she reached Liv’s door. ‘Don’t worry. I’ll take it.’

  Martha’s blank eyes didn’t flinch. ‘OK.’ She handed him the cup and retreated back into the kitchen.

  Charlie hesitated outside the door before knocking gently.

  After a few seconds, the door opened and Liv gazed up at him with a look of delighted surprise. ‘Oh, hey, Charlie!’

  ‘I brought you some tea,’ he said unnecessarily, handing her the cup. Liv ran her hand through her hair self-consciously before taking it. Charlie had always loved Liv fresh-faced and without make-up first thing in the morning. She had stunning bone structure and huge, almost violet-coloured eyes that reminded him a little of a young Liz Taylor. But he noticed that her skin, which had always been flawless, now looked puffy and slightly spotty. Her hands shook too as she took the cup and Charlie felt a little stab of guilt. Liv would be devastated if she lost Felix. He knew it could destroy her. But then, he reasoned, trying to harden himself against her, she would know how he had felt over the past four years.

  ‘Thanks, Charlie,’ she said, with a tiny nod. Her hands were definitely shaking.

  He gave a curt nod back and headed into the kitchen again. Through the glass doors, he could see Martha down by the pool, staring into space. He made his way out onto the terrace. The sun was only just starting to burn through but already he could feel the heat from its rays. He stared out over the dusty scrubland below towards LA. He still didn’t know if he could really make a life here. He so loved the changing seasons and the lush green beauty of home, particularly the part of Wales where he had grown up, that it would be a wrench to leave it. LA was spectacular in some ways and yet spectacularly disappointing in others. There was so little culture and so little real beauty to be found here that it depressed him.

  And yet, if he was going to have Felix full-time, he would need to be based here, in the city that his son now viewed as home. He couldn’t do to Liv what she had done to him, by taking Felix to live 4,000 miles away from her.

  He watched Martha as he moved towards her. She had her hands tucked into the pockets of her shorts, and her shoulders and head were dropped. She looked a world away from the confident, funny woman he had met just a couple of days ago, but, Charlie thought as he watched her, no less beautiful.

  He smiled down at her as he came to a halt beside her, her bare feet making her seem tiny. ‘No gold platforms today then?’ he said, grinning at the memory of Martha in sweatpants and high heels.

  A sudden machine-gun burst of laughter emitted from Martha’s belly and was quickly silenced, as she said, ‘No, I left them at home . . . along with my husband and children.’

  Charlie looked away, feeling uncomfortable.

  ‘Jesus, what am I doing?’ Martha added, looking up imploringly at Charlie. ‘Why am I here?’

  ‘You needed to get away. That’s why. You needed time to think and to decide what to do. I’m glad you came.’ He nodded encouragingly at her.

  ‘Are you?’ Martha looked puzzled. ‘I can’t imagine why. I’m not exactly great company.’

  ‘It’s been good for me having you here. There’s no way I’d be staying at Liv’s house if I was on my own. It’s broken down some of the barriers that have been there for years.’

  ‘I haven’t even asked you,’ Martha shook her hair out of her eyes. ‘How are you feeling about things? About Liv?’

  Charlie smiled and looked at Martha with a twinkle in his eye. ‘Ever the journalist, eh?’

  ‘Don’t forget that’s supposed to be why I’m here,’ she shot back, tilting her chin up defiantly.

  ‘No, it’s not,’ he replied good-naturedly. ‘But I think it’s good that you have another focus. I feel . . .’ he paused and looked up at the sky, as if searching for the answer to her question up there. ‘I feel . . . lighter somehow. As if things are finally starting to slot into place.’

  ‘You mean you’ve finally accepted the way things have worked out?’

  Charlie laughed ruefully and shook his head slowly. ‘Oh no, quite the opposite. It’s just that I’ve finally decided to do something about it.’

  Martha frowned. ‘I don’t understand.’

  ‘I’ve realised . . .’ Charlie began, ‘. . . that the greatest source of pain for me has been losing Felix. Losing Liv was bad but losing Felix was much, much worse.’

  ‘You didn’t lose Felix, though,’ Martha countered, touching Charlie’s arm and sending a little jolt through him. ‘He loves you desperately and you have an amazing relationship.’

  Charlie smiled, a warm swell of pride filling his body. ‘We do. But it’s a long-distance relationship. And that’s not what I want any more, so I’m going to do something about it.’

  Martha nodded to herself. ‘You’re moving to LA to be nearer to him.’

  Charlie hesitated. Should he confide in Martha? He barely knew her and, worse, she was a journalist.

  ‘Yes,’ he said, deciding to tell her only part of the story, ‘but I’ve also been wondering if maybe I should try to get a more formal arrangement regarding Felix.’

  ‘Liv’s pretty good though, isn’t she? She never stops you seeing him?’

  Charlie nodded slowly. ‘But what if she suddenly decided to be less agreeable? She’s not the most stable person . . .’ His words hung in the humid air between them. He didn’t want to mention Liv’s drinking, but he was fairly sure Martha would know what he was talking about. ‘I just think it might be a good idea to protect myself for the future with a more formal arrangement.’

  Martha put the flat of her hand to her chest, as if she was struggling for breath.

  ‘Are you OK?’

  ‘Sorry,’ she muttered, closing her eyes for a few seconds. ‘I just suddenly imagined me and Jamie having to agree access
. Who has them on what weekends. Who gets custody. It’s such a horrible thought.’ Her large dark eyes overflowed with fat tears that spilled down her cheeks.

  Instinctively, Charlie reached for her and pulled her tightly to his chest.

  ‘And it’s only just occurred to me,’ Martha sobbed, pulling away and looking up at him, ‘that if I was to leave Jamie, he’s the main carer, so he would get the kids. Oh my God!’ she cried, putting her hands to her face.

  ‘No!’ Charlie tried to sound soothing. ‘That’s not necessarily true—’

  ‘But it is!’ Martha interrupted him. ‘Jamie’s been the most constant presence in their lives since they were babies.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Charlie sighed, shaking his head and feeling like a heel. ‘I should never have said anything.’

  ‘No,’ Martha gulped, wiping her face furiously. ‘It’s fine. I’m fine. I’ll be fine,’ she repeated.

  ‘Look,’ Charlie said, desperately trying to think of a way to distract her, ‘why don’t we go out for some breakfast? You’ve barely eaten a thing for two days now and I’m starving. Felix won’t be up for ages and we should probably take advantage of our jet-lag.’

  Martha nodded quickly. ‘Yes. Yes that would be good. Let’s do that.’ She was already turning and heading for the house again.

  Charlie watched her go, wondering how she could possibly be having such a powerful effect on him in such a short time. He had only ever felt this way about a woman once before in his life and it had almost broken him. If he had any sense he would buy Martha a one-way ticket out of his life before things got any more complicated. But, he decided, as he turned to follow her, admiring her strong, toned brown legs in her denim shorts, sense had never been his strong point.

  Chapter 21

  ‘Where’s Dad gone?’ asked Felix, coming into Liv’s room and throwing himself on the bed beside the suitcase she had just finished packing.

  Liv shrugged. ‘I’m not sure, sweetie. Maybe he and Martha have gone out to get some breakfast?’