With or Without You

by Helen Warner

  ‘But they could have had breakfast here!’ Felix frowned as he rolled onto his back and glared up at the ceiling.

  She zipped up the suitcase and heaved it off the bed onto the floor. ‘They’ll be back soon,’ she soothed. ‘At least, I hope they will. I need to leave for the airport within the next hour.’

  ‘Oh, Danny said not to bother coming,’ Felix said chirpily, as Liv began to roll the case out of the bedroom.

  Liv did a double-take and looked back at her son. ‘What did you say?’

  ‘I said, “Danny said not to bother coming”,’ Felix repeated more hesitantly, sitting up and looking at Liv with a puzzled gaze. ‘What’s wrong? Why do you look all cross?’

  Liv ran a hand through her hair distractedly. ‘Felix, when did Danny tell you that?’

  ‘I spoke to him,’ he said. ‘About half an hour ago, while you were in the shower.’

  ‘Oh shit!’ Liv snapped, then clapped her hand over her mouth. ‘Sorry, honey. What did you tell him?’

  ‘I said you were coming to Hawaii to surprise him and that daddy and his new girlfriend were staying here to look after me while you were gone.’

  Liv closed her eyes as an icy feeling filled her belly. ‘Oh God,’ she muttered to herself. ‘Did you say anything else?’

  ‘No.’ Felix’s eyes shot to the left, as they always did when he was fibbing.

  ‘Felix . . .’ Liv began. ‘I won’t be cross . . . just tell me everything that was said.’

  ‘Well,’ he said, looking guilty, ‘I also said I heard Daddy saying that you thought you might catch Danny out.’

  ‘Oh God,’ Liv repeated, heading towards her bed and sinking down on it.

  ‘Did I do something wrong?’ Felix asked, his eyes widening in alarm.

  ‘No!’ She reached over and gave him a reassuring hug, despite the fact that her whole body was shaking. ‘It’s just . . .’

  ‘Just what?’ Felix looked up at her and her heart turned over at the innocence in his dark eyes.

  ‘It’s just that I really wanted to surprise Danny,’ she said, rubbing his silky curls. ‘Did he sound . . . cross?’ she ventured. ‘When you spoke to him?’

  Felix considered the matter carefully. ‘Yes, he sounded pretty cross,’ he agreed. ‘But why? It’s nice that you wanted to surprise him, isn’t it?’

  Liv swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat. ‘Yes, but maybe Danny doesn’t like surprises,’ she managed.

  Felix shook his head solemnly. ‘Who wouldn’t like surprises? That’s totally crazy!’

  ‘I guess I should probably call him.’ Liv stood up and reached for her cellphone, which, as ever, was close by. ‘Felix, why don’t you go and see if Daddy and Martha are back yet?’

  ‘Sure!’ he cried, scrambling off the bed and running out.

  She closed the door behind him and pressed Danny’s number, her heart thumping all the while. He answered immediately. ‘Hey,’ she said in her most confident voice, ‘it’s me.’

  ‘I know it’s you,’ Danny’s usually soft, husky voice sounded cold. ‘So, I hear you were about to fly out here and surprise me?’

  ‘I was!’ Liv laughed nervously. ‘But I hear a certain six-year-old boy scuppered my plans!’

  There was a pause that lasted far too long. ‘Why were you going to do that, Liv?’

  ‘To surprise you!’ she replied, aware that her voice had gone up several octaves.

  ‘No,’ Danny said. ‘I think you thought you would catch me out.’

  She opened her mouth to reply but nothing coherent would form in her brain. She felt as if she had been caught red-handed and could feel herself blushing, even though no-one could see her. ‘Danny . . . I really, really want to see you. Don’t be like this.’

  There was another achingly long pause during which Liv could hear her own heartbeat.

  ‘You know what?’ he said at last. ‘I don’t want to see you.’

  ‘Oh God!’ she whimpered. ‘No, Danny. Please don’t say that. I love you . . .’

  ‘But you don’t trust me,’ Danny said, his tone more conciliatory, which only made her feel worse. ‘And without trust there’s no point.’

  Liv’s head swam with shock. ‘What are you saying, Danny? Are you saying that I shouldn’t come and visit you?’

  Danny sighed heavily on the other end of the line. ‘I’m saying I think we’re through, baby.’

  Liv sank down onto the bed and put her head in her hands. ‘Look, Danny,’ she said, desperate to rescue the situation. ‘I was coming to surprise you, that’s all. You can’t throw away four amazing years over a simple misunderstanding. I do trust you. I do,’ she repeated, wondering even as she spoke if it was entirely true.

  ‘No. I don’t think you do.’ Danny’s voice sounded resigned now rather than harsh.

  ‘Please, Danny . . .’ she begged. ‘Please don’t say it’s over. I love you. I can’t live without you. And what about Felix?’ she added desperately.

  There was a strange sound from the other end of the line and Liv realised with a start that it was a sob.

  ‘Don’t do it, Danny!’ she cried, grasping at his emotion in an effort to dissuade him. ‘Felix and I love you too much . . .’ Her heart was racing as she prayed that she could make him reconsider.

  ‘No,’ Danny gulped eventually. ‘I’m sorry, Liv. I’ll make sure you and Felix are taken care of . . . but it’s over, baby.’

  The line went dead and Liv stared at the handset in shock. As she stood up her head swam and her legs buckled. Her ears filled with the sound of rushing air and suddenly everything went black.

  ‘Liv! Liv! Wake up!’ said a voice above her.

  ‘Danny?’ she murmured, blinking rapidly as the light hit her eyes.

  ‘No, it’s me . . . Charlie,’ said the voice.

  The memory of what had just happened began to swim through Liv’s consciousness. ‘Danny!’ she wailed, as the tears began to slide down her face.

  Voices murmured words that she couldn’t make out as someone sat her up and pressed a glass of cold water to her lips. She took a couple of grateful sips and then opened her eyes again. Charlie’s face came into focus just a few inches in front of her, watching her with concern. ‘What happened?’ he asked gently.

  Liv closed her eyes again, unable to bear the sympathy in his expression. ‘I got what I deserved. That’s what happened,’ she managed to say, although the effort of speaking was almost too much.

  ‘Mummy?’ Felix knelt down beside her and wrapped his arms around her neck, pushing his cheek towards her so that it was touching hers.

  She could feel wetness and looked at Felix in alarm. His long lashes were glistening with tears and his little forehead was crinkled with worry. ‘Oh, it’s OK, honey,’ she said, immediately starting to gather herself. ‘I just had a bit of a funny turn – I’m fine! See?’ She removed his arms from around her neck and attemped to stand up.

  Her head was pounding but she managed to get to her feet. Felix looked up at her warily. She put her hand out to him and he took it, getting to his feet and burying his face into her stomach. Over his head, Liv met Charlie’s eye. ‘Sorry,’ she said, her voice sounding croaky. ‘I’m not sure what happened . . .’

  ‘Hey, Felix,’ said a woman’s soft voice behind Liv. It took Liv several seconds to remember who Martha was and why she was here. ‘Why don’t we go and lay out the breakfast we brought back for you and your mum?’

  Felix looked up at Liv questioningly. ‘That’s a good idea,’ she nodded encouragingly. ‘I’ll just freshen up and then I’ll join you.’

  As Felix and Martha headed off to the kitchen, Liv slumped down onto the bed and looked up at Charlie. ‘What happened?’ she asked.

  Charlie shook his head uncomprehendingly. ‘We just came back from getting breakfast and found you . . . lying there.’ He stopped for a second and swallowed. ‘I don’t think you had been out long, but it gave us all a bit of a shock. Are you OK?’

 
Liv nodded shakily. Then she looked up and met his eye again. ‘No!’ she cried, ‘I’m not OK! Danny just ended it . . .’ She leaned forward and put her face in her hands. ‘I just can’t believe it!’ she added, shaking her head in bewilderment.

  Charlie sat down beside her. ‘Why?’

  ‘I don’t know . . . apparently Felix said something to him on the phone about me wanting to catch him out and he went mad. Said I didn’t trust him . . .’ She stopped speaking and dissolved into tears. ‘What the hell am I going to do, Charlie?’ she wailed piteously.

  Hesitantly, Charlie put an arm around her shoulders. She leaned into his embrace gratefully. Charlie had always been able to soothe her when she was stressed. His arms felt familiar and comforting.

  ‘You’ll be fine,’ he said quietly. ‘It feels like the end of the world now, but it’s not.’

  Liv looked up at him gratefully. The irony of Charlie trying to comfort her didn’t escape either of them. Now she knew how Charlie had felt when she did it to him. Although it must have been ten times worse, because of Felix. ‘At least we didn’t have kids,’ she muttered.

  Charlie took his arm away awkwardly. ‘No, but he was good to Felix, wasn’t he?’

  Liv nodded and wiped her face with the back of her hand. ‘Yes, he was. Oh, God, Felix will be devastated!’

  Charlie pursed his lips but didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to. Liv suspected she knew what he was thinking – that he wasn’t Felix’s dad and therefore Felix might be upset but he certainly wouldn’t be devastated.

  ‘So,’ she said at last, ‘I guess I won’t be going to Hawaii after all . . .’

  ‘Would you like us to leave?’ Charlie asked. ‘It’s no problem. We’re booked into the Four Seasons anyway. We could take Felix for a few days . . . give you some space?’

  ‘No!’ Liv said quickly. ‘I really don’t want you to leave. And I can’t bear the thought of being parted from Felix right now, though I’m not much fun for him on my own. It would help to have company in the house. It’s a bit big with just the two of us here.’

  ‘OK.’ Charlie stood up. ‘Well, let me know if you change your mind. Come on, how about trying to tackle some of the breakfast we brought back?’

  Chapter 22

  Before he set off for the airport, Jamie called into a garage to get petrol and pick up a few of the tabloids. He could read them on the way. His stomach began to churn with uncertainty. He rarely travelled without Martha and he suddenly felt scared about flying alone to LA, without any real idea of where to find her when he got there. He scrolled through his contacts until he found Lindsay’s number, then pressed ‘Dial’.

  A few seconds later, Lindsay answered. ‘I’m at school,’ she said, ‘so I can’t really talk. Have you heard any more from Martha?’

  ‘No. She called the kids but made an excuse so she didn’t have to speak to me. I was hoping that maybe you had.’

  ‘No . . .’ Lindsay sighed. ‘But there’s another photo in the paper again today. Of them together at LAX. She looks awful.’

  The hair on the back of Jamie’s neck prickled. ‘Which one?’ He glanced down at the innocuous pile of papers on the seat beside him.

  ‘Mirror and Sun.’

  He snatched up the Mirror and flicked through it until he came to the picture. Charlie and Martha were making their way out of LAX and Lindsay was right, Martha did look truly terrible, as if she was in some sort of trance. Charlie, on the other hand, looked fresh-faced, tall and handsome as he strode beside her, carrying both their bags. He slammed the paper shut. ‘Great,’ he said in a flat voice.

  ‘Make sure the kids know the truth, Jamie . . .’ There was an ominous inflection to her voice.

  ‘Well, we don’t exactly know what the truth is, do we?’ Jamie snapped back, feeling cross with Lindsay, cross with Martha and, most of all, cross with himself.

  ‘Yes, unfortunately we do know the truth, Jamie, which is that Martha is in no way to blame for any of this and you have got to make sure the kids know that.’

  He didn’t reply, too confused to know what to say.

  ‘Are you on your way then?’ Lindsay prompted, when the silence had gone on for too long.

  ‘Just setting off now, that’s why I was calling,’ Jamie sighed. ‘Can you keep trying her? I’ve just realised that I’m going to turn up with no clue where to find her. She’s probably more likely to tell you than me.’

  ‘OK,’ Lindsay said, before hanging up without saying goodbye.

  Jamie pulled out of the garage and drove for a few more minutes. Then he reached out and pressed the voice dial again. ‘Martha Lamont,’ he said, his voice cracking as he said her name out loud. After a couple of seconds it dialled Martha’s number and he held his breath as it began to ring with the long, slightly high-pitched dial tone that signified she was abroad.

  ‘Hello?’ Her voice filled the car and Jamie’s insides tightened at the sound of her voice.

  ‘It’s me,’ he said simply.

  There was a pause. ‘I know.’ She sounded tired.

  ‘Babe, I am so desperate to see you!’ he blurted, before he could think too much about it. ‘Where are you?’

  Martha sighed. ‘I’m in LA. You know that.’

  ‘I know. But where in LA? Where are you staying?’

  ‘Why do you want to know?’ Martha replied wearily. ‘What does it matter?’

  ‘I just . . . I just want to know that you’re OK. That you’re safe.’

  ‘I’m fine. Well, maybe not fine, but I’m safe.’ Martha’s voice was hardening again. ‘How are the kids?’

  ‘They’re OK. Mimi knows something’s going on, but—’

  ‘But she doesn’t know that her bastard father has been cheating on her mother?’ Martha cut in.

  ‘No,’ Jamie said, clenching his fists around the steering wheel. ‘Martha, your mum’s here.’

  ‘My mum! But why?’

  Jamie hesitated. ‘I called her. I asked her to come. I was worried about the kids. I’m not coping too well . . .’

  There was a long, ominous pause. ‘What did you tell her?’ When she finally spoke, her voice was little more than a hoarse whisper.

  ‘I told her the truth.’

  ‘Oh my God!’ Martha wailed. ‘As if I haven’t been humiliated enough! You shouldn’t have done that, Jamie, without talking to me first.’

  ‘Well, you wouldn’t talk to me so I had no choice,’ Jamie replied, trying to remain as calm as possible.

  There was another long silence before Martha spoke again. ‘What did she say?’

  Jamie took a deep breath. ‘What do you think she said? She read me the riot act and told me I wasn’t fit to be your husband. But she just wants you to come home, sweetheart. We all do.’

  ‘I can’t!’ Martha’s words burst out in a giant gasp. ‘I came here because I needed to get my head together . . . to get away from you.’

  ‘I know,’ Jamie agreed. ‘But it’s not the answer. You know how we are. We don’t function well apart . . .’

  ‘We didn’t function well together either, seeing as you were screwing other women behind my back!’ Martha was trying to sound hard again but Jamie could hear the pain in her voice.

  ‘But we need to talk this through. I am going out of my mind here and I need to be able to put right what’s happened.’

  ‘You can’t ever put it right,’ Martha said, the weariness returning to her voice.

  ‘Don’t say that,’ Jamie told her, shaking his head at the thought. ‘Please don’t say that.’

  ‘But it’s true.’

  ‘No!’ Jamie said, with renewed determination. ‘I’m not giving up without a fight. I love you so much, Martha. I need you. Come home. I can’t bear to think of you on the other side of the world in some hotel room . . .’

  There was a pause. ‘I’m not in a hotel. I’m staying at someone’s house.’

  Jamie’s spirits slumped. His chances of finding her if she was in a house rather t
han a hotel were zero. ‘Whose house?’ he prompted, trying not to sound too desperate. He didn’t want to alert her to his plan, but he needed to know where she was.

  ‘Liv Mason’s.’

  It took a few moments for Jamie to realise who she meant. ‘Liv Mason, as in the film star, Liv Mason?’

  ‘Yes. She’s Charlie’s ex, so we’re staying here to look after his son while she goes away for a few days. Or at least we were. It’s got a bit complicated . . .’

  Stinging jealousy prickled its way through Jamie. ‘You and Charlie?’ he said. ‘On your own?’

  ‘Oh, no you don’t!’ Martha growled. ‘I think you’ll find you have absolutely no right to be possessive of me any more. No right at all!’

  ‘I’m not!’ Jamie protested quickly, but he had to admit to feeling jealous as hell. He knew all too well the tricks men used to get women into bed, having employed them himself when he was younger. There was no doubt in his mind that Charlie Simmons would be exploiting Martha’s vulnerability for all he was worth right now. The thought of Martha being with someone else absolutely killed him, even though he knew he was the one to blame. If it wasn’t for him and what he’d done, Martha would never have run off to LA with Charlie in the first place.

  He cleared his throat and took a deep breath, trying to regain some composure. ‘How long are you going to be there?’

  Martha didn’t answer at first and Jamie wondered for a moment if the connection had been lost. Finally, she spoke. ‘For as long as it takes,’ she said, before hanging up.

  Chapter 23

  Martha awoke with a start the next morning. She could have sworn that she hadn’t slept at all, but she must have dropped off at some point, exhaustion and jet-lag finally catching up with her. Jamie’s phone call had shaken her. He was right. They didn’t function well apart, but the longer she was away from him, the easier it was for her to think straight.

  Running away to LA had been such an uncharacteristic thing for her to do. She had always put Jamie and the children first. But even though it was painful to be without the children, she had no doubt that it had been the right thing to do. She’d had to put some space between her and Jamie, so that she could decide for herself what to do without him watching her with terrified eyes and begging her to forgive him.