Waiting on the Sidelines

by Scott, Ginger

  “Hey, Nolan. You can put your stuff in here,” said Becky, the perky blonde who ran the hurdles and high-jumped.

  “Thanks!” I said, grabbing my bags and tossing them in a spare bedroom.

  I took my spot on the floor where all the girls were sitting, watching the giant T.V. Tatum’s house was very large. It wasn’t posh, like Reed’s, but it was nice. Nicer than mine. But it didn’t really feel like a home. It was more like a show gallery, everything in its place and nothing with a sense of home. At least at our house we owned the stains on our carpet and knew what had led to every knick in the door, scuff on the floor and dent in the walls. My home was real. Lived in.

  “Pizza, swimming and then movies!” Tatum squealed. She could delight over just about anything, I swear. It was utterly obnoxious.

  “Noles, what kind of pizza do you want? My mom’s ordering. We all wanted veggie,” she stood with a pen and pad of paper dangling at the side of her hip. Truth be told I hated veggie pizza. It was a complete waste of comfort food in my opinion, but I knew I had to be careful tonight. And pizza was not worth making waves.

  “Sounds good to me,” I smiled.

  She turned, almost disappointed I didn’t take her first bait. I was sure there would be more.

  We all ate our slices around the kitchen counter. Tatum’s mom had also made flan for dessert, which we all just attacked with forks until there was nothing left. I was stuffed and not really up for a swim with the other girls, but I put my suit on anyhow and kicked my feet in the water as I sat on the other side of the pool, careful eyes always guarding Tatum.

  “You and Sean make a super cute couple,” I heard a voice squeak from the water below me. Becky pulled herself up from the pool and sat next to me. The water from her suit made a puddle around us and it chilled me a bit, but I was glad to have someone to talk to.

  “Oh, thanks. Yeah, he’s a super good guy,” I said with a heavy amount of guilt plaguing my gut. I hadn’t been a very good girlfriend, I thought. In fact, I was pretty sure I had been nothing but cold towards Sean since the winter dance. I knew sometime soon I had to come clean with my feelings and end it with him, but I also dreaded leaving the safety of our relationship.

  “I think you two are so much healthier than Tatum and Reed,” she said, with a hint of disdain. Becky doesn’t like Tatum. This might just work out after all, I thought.

  “Oh yeah? How so,” I said with genuine interest.

  “Well…,” she paused for a bit, looking around and moving a little closer so no one would hear. “I think their relationship is pretty much nothing but sex.”

  My insides were twisting tighter than they ever had before. I knew that Tatum and Reed were physical, but for some reason hearing another girl confirm it just made the vision of it that much more intense.

  I nodded in return, hiding how hurt their intimacy made me.

  “I mean, I get it. They’re hot and young. But, man, they have nothing in common. And…,” Becky looked around again, “I think Tatum is really dumb and boring.”

  I couldn’t help it and let out a tight snort laugh. Becky reached up and slapped her hand over my face trying not to laugh herself. Quickly covering up for it she added, “Funniest joke ever, right? My brother told me that one.” And with a wink, I knew Becky was my ally.

  After an hour or so in the pool, we all started to dry off and gather our things to head back inside. I was looking around the patio for my towel and flip flops when I heard the patio door slide to a close. I turned to walk over and join the rest of the girls when the patio light went dark and I heard the distinct sound of the click of the patio lock.

  “Hey! Still out here,” I shouted, walking quickly to the door and giving it a useless yank. I knocked on the door for a bit, but then quickly heard the sound of the TV kick on full volume. I knew she wasn’t done, I thought.

  I knocked a few more times, but I knew that there was no way I was getting in that house until Tatum wanted me to. She would tell the other girls I was upstairs or that she wasn’t sure what I was up to and then distract them with the movie. It was about 50 minutes before I heard the movie pause and saw the reflection of the light flick on in the kitchen as some of the girls started pulling out chips for snacks. I deliberated whether or not to knock again, not wanting to give her the satisfaction. I think had it been a warmer evening, I would have stuck it out, even slept out here if I had to. But given that I had already wrapped my body as tightly as possible with the towel for warmth, I knew my options were limited.

  I knocked again, “Hey, can someone unlock please?” I was pathetic.

  Tatum’s eyes met mine as she flung the shades open on the door. Her smirk gave her away and I dug in with an equally intense stare. She wanted me to know that she controlled everything, but I wanted her to know that I didn’t give a fuck. And my face didn’t leave anything to the imagination.

  “Oh my god, Noles. Have you been out there the entire time? I thought you were just getting ready for bed or something or showering. We had no idea!” she squealed. So fake.

  I walked in right past her and headed into the room with my stuff and grabbed my pajama pants and long-sleeved T-shirt from my bag to head upstairs and change.

  “Noles? I’m sorry, you’re not mad, are you?” she trailed off, smirking at me as the rest of the girls were behind her and couldn’t see her true evil self. If she wanted a game, then I was ready to play.

  Smirking back and batting my lashes in the most over-the-top way I could I walked up to her and gave her a hug. “Tates, OMG! Like I could ever be mad at you. I know it was an accident, silly.” I held her stare for a second as I let go, just to signal are we clear here? I hate you, you hate me. Done.

  I turned to head upstairs to change and caught Becky’s attention. She was grinning ear-to-ear and gave me one fast wink to let me know she was on my side. I liked Becky. We would be good friends.

  The night was long. I didn’t want to fall asleep, knowing that even though Tatum appeared to be sleeping, she could still wreak havoc on me in a second. I stood it as long as I could, but when the clock read 3 a.m. I let my heavy lids take me over. We had to report for our meet at 7, and I knew I wasn’t going to be worth much. I was counting on grabbing an extra hour of sleep at the meet before my race.

  As I stretched in my sleeping bag and awoke to the rustling sounds of the other girls stirring in their sleeping bags, I scanned the room for Tatum. She was rolled over on her side on the couch, just where I had left her. A wave of relief flushed over me that I had survived the night.

  My face felt tight from the lack of sleep and I desperately wanted to brush my teeth. I headed into the spare room and grabbed my uniform and toothbrush to run upstairs for a quick shower and some freshening up.

  Tatum’s bathroom was large enough to be a master bathroom. She had both a tub and a shower and a large wrap-around mirror. I imagined it was a luxury for someone like Tatum who probably loved to model for herself at all angles. When I flicked the light on in the bathroom, I squinted at first, the harshness a bit much to take on only three hours of sleep.

  I dipped my toothbrush under the water and loaded it with toothpaste and began to brush. Looking in the mirror I noticed one of my eyebrows was curled straight up. I must have really slept on that wrong, I thought, reaching in the water with my hand to flatten out the gnarled brow. I knew something was wrong the instant I touched my face, though.

  Panic hit me hard. I pushed in close, dropping my brush in the running water. There was a line of hairs missing in my eyebrow. Like they had been plucked. But surely I would have woken up for that. I looked ridiculous, and my stomach was swirling between furious and tortured. I kept rubbing water along the brow to try to bunch the hairs that were left together to cover it up. It was no use, though. No matter what I did, it looked like a mangled mess.

  After about 15 minutes, I crawled into the shower and thought about my options. Every nerve in my face wanted to cry, but there was no way I would g
ive Tatum that satisfaction. I wasn’t sure, but my instincts told me that Tatum probably put a drop of hair remover on my brow and slid the hairs off my face as I slept. When I was done showering, I grabbed my makeup bag and colored in the missing spot. It wasn’t perfect. And up close, you could definitely see that something wasn’t right. But with my beanie pulled down far on my forehead and from far away, I was pretty sure I could fool the group of girls downstairs.

  I gathered my stuff and headed down. Most of the girls were dressed by this point and had their bags packed, ready for Tatum to drive us in her mom’s van to the school. Smiling at me as we filed out the door, she couldn’t help but gloat.

  “Something wrong, Noles? You have a rough night’s sleep?” she asked with her best concerned tone.

  “Nope,” I said, clipped. “Slept like a baby.” And then I added a pat on the shoulder as I walked out the door.

  When we pulled up to the school, most of the rest of the team had already arrived. I noticed Sean and Reed’s truck and Jeep right away. My stomach was thumping with the beat of my heart from equal parts dread and anger. I wanted to run to Sean for comfort, but I also wanted to rip the band-aid off and end our relationship. Sean was a great friend, but he never really made my heart leap out of my chest the way Reed did. I also wanted to slap Reed and question how he could ever be with a girl like Tatum.

  I wasn’t ready to confront them when I rounded the corner of the locker room to drop off my bags and change my shoes.

  “Hey, Noles. You guys just get here?” Reed said, Sean coming closer to grab my hand. I jerked it away in a fit of irrational anger. Sean hadn’t done anything wrong, but I didn’t want to be touched. Not by him.

  “Yep,” I said, shortly.

  “What’s up your ass?” Reed said, looking at Sean to shed some light on my mood.

  I turned and without even thinking blurted out, “My ass? Your girlfriend’s a bitch. That’s what’s up my ass.” I left them there, bewildered by my outburst and headed into the locker room. My head was thumping with anger and I was talking to myself. I locked my stuff up and sat on the bench to lace up my shoes, my mouth muttering the words I would say to Tatum’s face. And then there she was.

  I fought my urge and stood up, snapping my head to stare at her as I headed for the door, but she caught my arm before I could make it out.

  “Do not… touch me!” I yelled, my face close to hers.

  She leaned into the door to block my exit. Crossing her arms, I saw her face wash over with superiority. This was the Tatum I had first encountered my freshman year. She was asserting her authority over me, and I was not going to have any of it.

  “So,” she said, kicking her foot along the ground and looking down as she thought about her words. “What do you think Reed will think when I tell him about all the times you’ve slept with Sean?”

  I was befuddled. I was a virgin, that much I knew. Sean had been very respectful and patient with me and I don’t think the rumor was floating around that we were having sex. “You’re absurd,” I bit back. “And you’re an idiot.” I tried to move her from the door but she wasn’t budging.

  “Yeah,” she laughed a little to herself. “Thing is, all I have to do is say it to a few people and then it’s out there. There’s no putting that back. Reed will never look at you again. Untouchable. He wouldn’t want to share you with Sean, and he wouldn’t look at you with those doting innocent eyes that he sees you with now.”

  I was speechless. Was she actually threatening to rumor me to death? Could she do that? Would that work?

  “Think about it,” she continued. “Are you ready to be a whore? I know you’re not in love with Sean. And I bet you’re going to break up with him soon. I’ll start the rumor about the next guy you’re going to hook up with, too. Don’t think I won’t.” She chewed the inside of her cheek with a finality of confidence.

  At that moment, I knew there was nothing Tatum wouldn’t do to ruin me in Reed’s eyes. And if I suffered, too, because of it was of no consequence to her either. In fact, that was icing.

  I spent the entire meet in my own head. I was careful to avoid situations where I was even near Reed, and Sean’s events were spread throughout the meet, so I made sure that I was always on the opposite end of the field…conveniently. I was waiting for my 400 meter race, stretching along the far fences near the end zone when Reed jogged by with a group of guys. Damn. I didn’t see him coming.

  He stopped right next to me and bent down for a bit to catch his breath.

  “You know, you’re supposed to hold your arms over your head. Opens up your lungs,” I said. I figured might as well make it awkward and confrontational right out of the gate. I was still fuming over Tatum. But I was also frightened. I was a good girl, and I planned on staying one. I didn’t need the nightmare of a ruined reputation. Lost in my own thoughts, I jumped a bit when Reed bumped me on the side, bringing me back to the present.

  “I know, but sometimes it just feels good to hang your head,” he said with a faint smile.

  “I guess,” I shrugged, short with him.

  I felt his stare while I continued to stretch and check the tightness on my shoes. I could tell he wanted to say something. But he seemed to be fighting with himself. I stepped a few paces away to sit down and do my butterfly stretches. Reed stayed where he was. When I leaned forward, I snuck a peek to see if he was looking elsewhere, any sign that he may be leaving. I was risking a lot being this close to him with Tatum around. Luckily she was over in the pits for the long jump finals. I was relieved when I finally heard his shoes scuff the pavement as he turned to walk the other way, and I collapsed on my hands in front of me, my face firmly planted in the sleeves of my sweatshirt. This…was going to be hard.

  I ran home after the meet. I didn’t want to wait for a ride, and frankly all choices were bad ones. I know that Sean could sense something was wrong, but I wasn’t ready to have that conversation either. I would have to soon enough. But first I had to think about how to set off my chain of dominoes in such a way as to keep Tatum from spreading vicious rumors about me.

  I was sliding through the gravel in my driveway when I heard the engine rumble behind me. I recognized it, amazingly. The slight spot of the lights that were shining behind me clicked off, followed by the crunch of feet landing on the rocks. I froze, letting out a big sigh as I turned. Reed’s eyes locked on mine. He looked furious.

  “Hey! You think maybe when someone calls and texts you a thousand times you could at least text them back to let them know you’re ok?,” he shouted, accusingly.

  “You called?” I dug out my phone to see 14 missed calls and a handful of texts. “Oh, … sorry. I just left in a hurry and I couldn’t hear my phone in my bag. I’m good. Just felt like walkin’.”

  I was lying through my teeth and I could feel anger seeping up to my mouth. Thankfully, so far, my brain was working in overdrive to keep my words in check.

  “Oh, I see,” he said, still angry in his tone. He pulled his hat off to run his hands through his hair before putting it back on. He kept turning to leave and then walking back a few steps only to return, each time pressing his lips in a firm line, almost like he was shoving his thoughts back inside. Not sure what to do, I picked up my bags and slung them over my shoulder and when his back was to me, said “Goodnight. Thanks for checking on me.”

  Despite my best effort, my tone was clipped. There was a sense of snarkiness, and I didn’t mean it. I was just emotionally spent and sick, and it was now seeping from me in unexpected ways.

  “Seriously? That’s all you got? ‘Thanks for checking on me,’” Reed repeated mockingly. I turned to face him, my eyes starting to sting a little as I fought to keep the tears at bay. I couldn’t tell if they were sad tears, angry tears or both. When I locked gazes with him again I just shrugged and gave him a crooked smile, shaking my head. “Yeah. That’s all I’ve got.”

  Reed walked up to me deliberately and flung my bags from my shoulder, wrapping his
arms around me in the warmest hug of my life after that. And suddenly I couldn’t stop them any more. I was toast. The tears came full force now and my body jerked with each heavy sob as I tried to stifle them some, let them out slowly. It was no use. It was as if 24 hours of torture were escaping all at once.

  “Shhhhhh, it’s ok. Whatever it is, it’s ok. Please, Nolan. You can tell me. We can tell each other anything. Please,” Reed said, rocking me side to side and stroking my hair. I was clinging to the sides of his sweatshirt, almost as if I was holding fistfuls of the fabric to keep myself from drowning. I pulled my face away from his chest to rub my sleeve across my eyes to dry them. Reed lifted my chin to look at me, and suddenly his face had a look of concern.

  “Noles, it looks like something might be wrong with your eyebrow, did you get a bite or something? Let me take a look,” he said, reaching up to touch it. I pulled away and pressed my palm to my forehead; I didn’t want him to see.

  “Oh, it’s nothing. Something stupid, really. I’m ok,” I said, panicking. I could hear Tatum’s warning and I was suddenly terrified that Reed would find out it was of her doing.

  “Uhm… ok. It just looks like some of the hair is missing. Are you sure?” he was still concerned.

  “I’m sure,” I said, staring him in the eyes, almost trying to tell him telepathically without saying the words. When it became uncomfortable, I looked down.

  “Noles, what’s going on? You’re not yourself,” he pushed.

  I didn’t know what to say. I stood there silent, looking down and kicking at the pebbles at my feet, sniffling the last of my emotional explosion away. Finally, I turned my head sideways to meet his eyes again. Chewing on my bottom lip, I paused and thought carefully for a moment, choosing my words.

  “Do you love her?” was what came out. Not quite how I wanted to go, but I was going to run with it.