Waiting on the Sidelines

by Scott, Ginger

  I was curious who the last one was. He was looking out the window for quite some time, not wanting to admit anything to me. I couldn’t take the waiting. “I have to know,” I held his arm, willing him to say it.

  “Calley,” he said, and my mouth tasted like bile. Sarah’s sister? This was a sucker punch!

  My reflexes had me turning a little away from him, fighting to process his honesty against my desire to be angry at the new information. I was so sure he was going to say Stephanie or some other cheerleader, not the friend of his ex-girlfriend and one of my best friend’s sister.

  But Reed wasn’t letting me drift away from him. He held my gaze, willing me to look at him. He wanted to make it ok, and he wasn’t going to let me go without making it so. He moved his hand to my face and forced my gaze to his, revealing the puffy eyes I was fighting against to keep the tears inside.

  I raised my sleeve and wiped my eyes a little. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to cry, that one just… surprised me,” I admitted. “I just thought Calley knew how I felt about you.”

  I shrugged a little and tried to look away, but Reed pulled my face back to look at his. “Don’t do that, don’t run away from me,” he said, sternly. “And don’t blame Calley. She was at the desert party the night you picked me up. She was drunk. I was…drunk.”

  Yes, that I remember. Reed was at his worst that night. The first night he told me he loved me.

  “I was running my mouth off to her in the back of her car, telling her how you were with this dickhead and I fucked everything up and she was consoling me and then we both did a bunch of shots of what-the-fuck-I-don’t-know,” Reed was revealing how that night unfolded. I guess I never really thought about the part before I got there.

  “It sort of happened somewhere after that. And that’s when I started texting you because I just wanted to erase it, knew I was fucking everything up…even more than I had already, if that was even possible.”

  “Calley started crying telling me to never tell anyone and to pretend it didn’t happen. Noles, she never wanted to hurt you either. You have to know, she was so drunk. She got sick after that, passed out in her back seat and shit.”

  He just stopped at that, and held my stare, watching me process. I couldn’t tell him it was ok, because it stung like hell. But it was the past, before us. I didn’t like that it was Calley, but I didn’t really like that it was Tatum, or Morgan, or… Amanda? And I think what had me more upset than anything was that I was never going to be able to compete with that.

  After several minutes, I snuggled into Reed, looking for relief. I felt his shoulders relax as he brought his warm arms around me and his hands rubbed my arms. “I’m never going to be what they were,” I confessed, revealing all of my insecurities. I saw each of those girls as women, whereas I was just some stupid girl. I suddenly had no idea what Reed was doing with me.

  I was about to give in to my self doubt when I felt his breath near my ear, his lips light on my skin as he whispered. “Baby, you’re so much more,” he was soft, gentle. “You have no idea. You’re so beautiful, and I love you, and if you ever want to be with me, I’ll be the luckiest dude on earth… but not unless you want to share that with me,” he kissed my neck and then buried his face in it, breathing me in.

  Somehow he was erasing the hurt. I didn’t know how he had that power, but he did. It still upset me to think about Calley, but here in the moonlight with Reed, it was easier to accept. And I would learn to.

  I decided to keep Reed and Calley to myself, knowing that it would cause a rift between Sarah and her sister. And I knew deep down that Calley didn’t want to hurt me. It took me a little while to bury the sting, but it hurt less and less each time I was with Reed.

  Track season ended, as did my favorite bus trips with him. The end of the school year was almost here. Reed and I joked that we wouldn’t be spending this summer working at the aquatics center. The thought of seeing Tyler’s face again made my gut recoil, and I know Reed would punch him on sight. I had decided to take a job at the MicNic burger, mostly because I liked the novelty of wearing roller skates, which the wait staff got to. Plus, I got a little thrill out of bringing my dad home free cheeseburgers from time to time.

  My birthday was coming up, and I was nervous about Reed’s plans. He was taking me out Friday after school and gave me specific instructions. So specific, they came with a list. He said he was making up for the date that never was, the one he had planned to take me on before Tatum ruined us the first time.

  I checked my backpack Thursday night to make sure I had everything Reed asked for: a full change of clothes, sweatpants and sweatshirt, tooth brush, my favorite songs on my iPod, a flashlight and an orange crayon. The list was strange, I thought, but I was game. I was dying to know his plans.

  I met Reed at his Jeep when school let out, since he had picked me up that morning. I tossed my school bag in the back and pulled the special pack to the front seat with me. Almost giddy, Reed leapt into the seat next to me and buckled up before nearly peeling out of the student parking lot.

  “So, where is this mystery date?” I asked, so curious.

  “No, no… all will reveal itself,” he was smug and knowing, teasing me and enjoying it.

  We were on our desert highway for almost an hour heading south before we linked in with the Interstate and just kept on going. When I realized we were travelling far, I got a little worried. I hadn’t prepped a way to spend the late evening hours with Reed, and I wasn’t sure what time my parents expected me to be home.

  “Reed, maybe I should call my dad? I think he was thinking I’d be home by 9 or something?” I said awkwardly.

  Reed just shot me a huge grin, his green eyes lit by his deep dimples. “Not a problem, already got it worked out,” he smiled. “See… you’re spending the night at Sarah’s tonight. She worked this whole thing out with me.”

  My mouth was open as I stared at him. Was I really spending the night with Sarah? I didn’t think that was the case, but I was a bit thrown off my game by not being in control of my own destiny.

  We drove for more than an hour south to the outskirts of Tucson before Reed exited on a side road and started to wind through the cactus-dotted desert hills outside the city. His Jeep climbed the mountains quickly and I could tell we were gaining altitude when I looked back to see the sun barely kissing the horizon and the lights of Tucson starting to glimmer a bit on the desert floor.

  Twilight was setting in when Reed finally pulled off onto a dirt road and wound through a pine forest grove. It always amazed me that you could climb the desert mountains and find a forest revealed.

  He stopped his Jeep and hopped out with gusto, pulling a large pack from his Jeep back and started to set up a tent. Oh my god, we were camping! I had never been camping, ever!

  I sat there watching him, grinning like a child, until he startled me with his voice. “Are you just going to sit there, or are you going to help me set up camp,” he teased, the rods for the tent flinging in every which direction.

  “Oh! Yes, sorry. I was just taking it in,” I grinned, ear-to-ear. Reed dropped the tent pieces for a minute and lifted me up, looking at my face as his spun me around slowly.

  “Happy birthday, Nolan!” he was proud of himself. He did good, and he knew it.

  We had the tent set in a few minutes and Reed was already working to get a fire going and setting up our site a little. I was just sitting on his sleeping bag that he had laid out for me, holding my backpack and watching him in wonder.

  “What’s up?” he smiled at me, wanting to know my thoughts.

  “I was just thinkin’,” I smiled.

  “Yeah, I get that,” he rolled his eyes. “Whatcha thinking?”

  “Well, I get the clothes, and the toothbrush. And the flashlight?” I furrowed my brow a little.

  “OH, yeah. Thanks! I’ll need that. I don’t have one of those,” he grinned, grabbing the light from my backpack and pushing it in his back pocket.

 
“But, why my music?” I asked.

  Reed stopped what he was doing and reached for my hand, pulling me into him tightly, kissing my lips lightly. “Duh, so I can dance with you under the stars,” he shook his head like I was slow for not getting it, always teasing me.

  “OK, OK. But…orange crayon?” I pulled it out of the bottom of my backpack and held it up and Reed just started laughing, so hard he had to hold his knees to catch his breath.

  “Damn it,” he yelled to the sky. I scrunched my forehead at him, pinching my brow, confused. “Oh, it’s nothing really. I just owe Sarah $20.”

  I was still confused, and he could tell.

  “She said you’d pack anything I told you to, and I didn’t think you would. You know, because you’re so pig headed,” he pulled at my hair a bit like a fifth-grade boy. “I threw that on the list as a test, and she won!”

  He went back to work, building a spread of sandwiches and fruit slices. “I could just sort of pretend I didn’t bring it, you know,” I smiled, willing to do what it takes for my boyfriend to win $20.

  He just shot me a huge smile and shook his head, taking the crayon from my hands and tucking it in his other back pocket. “No, that’s ok. I don’t go back on my bets,” he touched his thumb to my lip and then sat down next to me, handing me a paper plate with half a sandwich on it.

  We ate our picnic spread and cuddled close to stay warm in the cooling air. The temperatures at this height were so much nicer than the desert campgrounds near home. When we were done eating, I pulled on a sweatshirt and followed Reed down a short trail thanks to my flashlight to a small lake. It was small enough to see the other side of the shore in the moonlight, but the stars still reflected beautifully along the surface.

  We took turns picking up flat stones and trying to skip them across the water. Naturally, Reed was much better at this than I was. When I finally felt defeated he gave me a lesson, and he celebrated when I finally skipped one with three bounces.

  We kicked our shoes off and splashed water at each other at the shoreline, the water freezing cold. When my feet started to go numb, Reed picked me up and let me wrap my legs around him as he held me to his chest and kept me close, kissing me over and over until my cheeks hurt from the constant smile spread on my face.

  He carried me and my shoes all the way back to our small campsite where he set me down on the sleeping bag he had spread out. He lay sideways, propping his head up with his elbow, while I sat and stared straight up at the stars. There were millions and I could never take them all in up here.

  “So, do you want your present?” he said, sounding more excited to give it to me than I was to receive it. Honestly, I hadn’t expected anything else. Just this night was enough for me.

  “OK,” I said, closing my eyes and holding my hands out like Reed had done for me on his birthday. I felt the folded up paper in my hand and I opened my eyes. Squinting, I stared at the plain, lined paper with notebook shreds along the side and then looked back up to Reed, not sure what to make of it.

  “You…wrote me a poem?” I questioned. He started laughing immediately.

  “Oh, god no. You don’t want me to do that, trust me. It’d be awful!” he laughed. “It’s a letter.”

  I looked back down and started unfolding it. It was two pages and it was well creased and took me a while to pull at the ends and unfold it to flatten it out. Before I could take in the words, Reed blocked the top from my view with his hands.

  “Wait, you need to know something first,” he started. I stared at him, my eyes wide, unsure of how this night could get any more amazing. “You need to know when I wrote this.”

  I held my breath, waiting. “OK? So…when did you write this,” I asked, my heart suspended.

  “That night after the winter dance our sophomore year,” he swallowed, his gaze holding mine as if he was trying to prove to me that he was being honest.

  My hands were a little shaky now and I bent my head forward to read the words this boy, so much a man, had written to me a year and a half ago.

  Dear Nolan:

  Dear seems so sappy, sorry. I don’t really know how to write things like this. I’ll probably just shove this in my desk drawer for nobody to ever find. Damn, I’m already so fucking mushy, I hope they don’t find it.

  I looked up at Reed, matching his shy smile with my own and I looked back down and continued to read.

  I don’t know what took me so long to see it, but you are so beautiful. Like, yeah, you’re hot! But not in a stupid sounding way – I know, I sound stupid now, huh? Anyhow,...sure, I’m going out with Tatum, and yeah she’s hot. But, you’re different.

  I’m not going to lie, I went out with Tatum because all of the guys think she’s hot, she’s a senior, and she’s a lot of fun. Well, not like I can really do things with her, but… OK, I’m not going to sound like a prick in writing, but you know what I mean.

  Focus, Reed Johnson.

  So, I’m writing this as sort of a confessional. I guess this is like my diary, huh? I’ve never had one of those, but maybe I should start one. Not that I have a lot to say. But I’ve got this. I’ve got what happened tonight. Tonight I danced with a girl that stole my breath away.

  My dad’s always telling me shit about how ‘the heart doesn’t lie’ and how one day I’ll meet a girl that will make me stupid. I always thought he was crazy because there have been a lot of women who have made my dad act stupid. I guess he just likes falling in love.

  But you, Nolan, you make me act stupid. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the courage to tell you any of this. You’re not easy (and no, I don’t mean that in the perverted way). I mean you come with a lot of feelings, you make me feel. It’s weird, but when I touched you tonight it felt like tiny shockwaves hitting my skin. I was afraid to touch you, but I also had to.

  I felt my lips twitch, so close to you. That was new, that’s never happened before. I almost kissed your neck out of habit then I snapped out of it and realized that you’re not mine. But what’s strange is it felt like you’ve always been mine.

  I don’t know what happened, and I know that you would just rationalize all of this and say something about me being struck by the song and you in that pretty fucking dress, your bare shoulders so perfect and soft. But as beautiful as you were tonight, I think maybe you’ve been beautiful all along. And I’m just stupid.

  Anyhow, like I said. I’ll probably just shove this in my desk drawer. But I feel better getting it off my chest. Who knows, maybe some day I’ll just kiss you and give it to you anyway.

  Yours, apparently?

  Reed

  I’ve never cried tears of joy, but I was doing that now. I was also fighting to breathe, suffocating a little from this amazing gift. Knowing what I needed, Reed just pulled me into his arms and held me tight against his chest, his mouth at my ear.

  “I guess I knew I loved you then, too,” I could feel his smile. “I’m sorry it took me so long.”

  I held onto his arms around my front and kissed them, squeezing him back. Turning in his arms to face him, I folded up the letter and shoved it deep in the pocket of my jeans. “That just kicked the shit out of my scrapbook and the varsity letter,” I joked, trying to lighten the mood and bring myself back from the brink of delirium.

  Reed just chuckled and smoothed the hair from my face, kissing me softly on the lips. As our lips held on to each other, I knew then that I was ready to give myself to Reed. And it wasn’t just because of his letter, though that helped. I didn’t want him to think that I thought he was just trying to get into my pants.

  I stopped our kiss and held his stare as I sat up and stripped my sweatshirt, followed by my T-shirt and tight undershirt I had worn until I was bare in front of him. He was careful, waiting until I reached to pull his shirt from him, too. I snuggled tightly along his side and kissed my way up his shoulder, neck and face until we were intertwined and kissing hard again.

  I kicked at my feet, pulling my shoes off and then working my pant
s open without Reed noticing. When I started to reach down to slide them down, he stilled, tense, and held my hands. “Nolan, you don’t have to do this, that’s not what tonight was about,” he was serious.

  “I know,” I just kept my eyes on his, my breathing heavier now and my heart determined.

  I stood up and slid my jeans down my body followed by my underwear until I was standing before him completely bare, cold and terrified. Not of what might happen, but that he might reject me.

  When he slid his hands up my leg slowly and pulled himself to stand with me, taking the rest of his clothes off, too, I finally started to breathe again. He swung his arms around and picked me up without effort and carried me into our tiny tent, never breaking our kiss when he laid me on the soft comforter laid out on the earth floor.

  Reaching for his wallet, he pulled out a condom and tore it to put it on, and my heart started to speed at what was next. Reed could sense my fear, leaning his face to my ear and whispering to me. “I’ll be slow. And if you want, tell me to stop,” he pulled back to look at me to make sure I understood and was still with him in this.

  “I know,” I smiled softly, kissing him and grabbing the back of his head, clutching his hair in my fingers as he slowly made his way over me until he was holding my body to his and slowly becoming my first.

  I held my breath for what felt like minutes, my body tensing from the sharp pains until my nerves started to give way to passion, and we pulled at and tasted one another until I felt Reed’s pulse quicken. My body heat was rising and I was starting to understand why this was so special and why I was so happy it was Reed I was giving it to. When I felt a rush of impulses fire through my core, I bit into Reed’s shoulder a little, muffling a tiny cry.

  Reed rolled me to his side and held me close, brushing his fingertips over my back and kissing my neck, whispering in my ear. “I love you, Nolan, and I swear to God I always will,” he held me close, and we fell asleep together until the sun rose.