Waiting on the Sidelines

by Scott, Ginger

“Oklahoma. Florida. Texas Tech. Oregon. Cal. Utah. Missouri. And finally, Stanford and University of Arizona. Friends, family…what you see right there is the culmination of Reed’s diligence and desire. Son, you have worked so hard. So very hard, and I am honored to have fielded every last phone call and every single meeting that came behind each of these offer envelopes. The choice is, of course, always yours, though you may notice a certain red and blue envelope on top of the stack,” Buck laughed a little, nudging the UofA folder a little closer to Reed.

  Raising his glass again, Buck urged all of us to join him. “I’d like to give a toast, to my son, whom I love with all my heart, no matter what color jersey he decides to wear,” Buck said, and we all joined him with a cheer and a drink in Reed’s honor.

  Buck then slid a small box over on the table to Reed, who took it and held it in his hand for a while before opening it. I could feel him tense a little beside me from all of the attention, like he knew what was in the box. When he opened it and saw his father’s college championship ring he inhaled deeply and looked up at his father with the most loving eyes.

  “Dad, I can’t take this. It’s yours,” he explained, trying to close the box and hand it back to Buck. But Buck was having none of it, and just closed Reed’s hand around it and squeezed tightly, patting him on the back and kissing the top of his head, one of his few unmanly shows of affection.

  “Yes you can, and yes you will,” he said.

  Millie came over after Buck’s toast to give Reed a gift more privately. Not comfortable being a part of her moment with her son, I retreated to the kitchen with Sean and Becky and looked on as Reed put on the watch his mom had given him, looking over an engraving on the back. Reed’s birthday was a lot different from mine, which usually consisted of cake and a few new T-shirts.

  Reed joined me in the kitchen and showed me the nice leather watch that his mom had given him. It looked fancy, though I didn’t really recognize the brand. I just smiled and told him it was nice. I think he sensed my discomfort as he pulled me in close and kissed the top of my head. I clung to the fabric of his shirt, not wanting to let go.

  I finally loosened my grip when his mother walked in and discarded an empty plate and went to wash her hands. She looked like she was getting ready to leave, which internally made me grateful, though I kept up the smiling façade I had going. She didn’t like me, and I knew it.

  Looking around the house a little, she settled her eyes back to Reed while she dried her hands. “Where’s that lovely Tatum, girl, honey? I haven’t seen her all night.”

  I immediately went blank, my knees buckling and I felt Reed sweep his arm behind me to wrap around my waist and hold me up. “Tatum graduated already, mom. She’s at college. We don’t really hang out any more,” Reed answered quickly, trying to diffuse the situation. Sean and Becky were looking at me to try to gage if I was alright. I was pretty sure I wasn’t.

  “Oh, well that’s too bad. I liked her, she was so pretty,” Millie piped back, putting emphasis on the word pretty. “Well, I have to get back before it’s too late, honey. I’ll call you next week and we can make plans for your summer visits, ok?”

  She leaned in to kiss Reed on the cheek again and he helped her pull her coat back on. I just stood behind him, feeling nothing but stupid. Finally, she acknowledged me when we were at the door. “Oh, and it was really nice to meet you…” she couldn’t remember my name.

  “Nolan,” Reed finished, his voice exposing his irritation and embarrassment for his mother.

  By the time all of the guests had left, it was just Reed and I alone on the sofa in his living room. Buck had gone out to join a few of his alumni friends at the bar. Reed stood and walked to the kitchen, where he started to put food away in the refrigerator. I let out a deep sigh, collapsing backwards on the large ottoman, feeling a little bit like the sucker in a match against the prize fighter.

  I heard Reed chuckle a little as he walked in and stood over me, reaching his hand down to lift me up. “Come on, it wasn’t that bad,” he smiled.

  “Oh, I don’t know. It was pretty bad,” I stood up and hugged him, his hands rubbing my back a little. “Your mom does not like me. I mean, like at all.”

  Reed squeezed me a little tighter before speaking. “Don’t be crazy. Of course she does. She just doesn’t know you yet. I told you she was a bit image consumed, and she’s always in that mode. Now you see why I love living with my dad,” he laughed a little, but his voice also sounded sad that he isn’t able to be as close with his mom.

  I looked over at the stacks of offer envelopes on his table still, now stacked neatly. I walked over to them and he followed me. I slid them apart and took them all in. “Reed, this is amazing,” I smiled at him.

  He took in a deep breath and then softly smiled, too, turning to look at me. “It’s all kind of overwhelming, too,” he said. “I’m still not totally sure what I want to do.”

  “You’ll figure it out,” I reassured, though a part of me was also flashing forward to the inevitable time when we would have to be apart. Not wanting to dwell any more on that or the sick feeling left over from my first encounter with Millie, I jerked up with energy and grinned largely at Reed.

  “Hey! Want your present?” I was so anxious to give it to him. He just closed his eyes and then reached out his hands. “Well, you’re going to have to stand like that for a minute. It’s in the car. Hold on.”

  I raced out the door to my car and grabbed the heavy box from my backseat. I brought it inside, where Reed was still standing with his eyes closed and his hands out. I stopped to admire him for a moment, but he sensed I was there.

  “You’re teasing me. Not nice, Nolan. I’ll remember this,” his grin was so damned distracting. When I reached him, I placed the heavy box in his hands and warned him to hold on tight.

  “OK, open your eyes,” I said, pins and needles everywhere I was so excited to see if he loved it as much as he did in my fantasy.

  He turned his head a little and smirked, tightening his eyes as he glanced up at me, shaking the box a little.

  “Open it already, would you?” I couldn’t take it.

  He sat down on the ottoman and put the box in his lap, untying the ribbon that was keeping the lid in place. He slid the top off the box and pulled away the tissue paper, lifting the book out and letting the wrapping fall to the floor.

  The leather binding for the cover came out exactly as I had wanted it to, almost looking like an old weathered football. My dad helped me brand #13 on the cover along with ‘Johnson.’ I watched as Reed’s fingers worked at the leather straps to open the book and I almost cried a little when his face reacted to the photo on the first page, biting his lip and smiling innocently. It was one that Buck had given me. Reed was 6 or 7 in the picture, and he was sitting on Buck’s shoulders holding his first trophy in the air, waving number one with his finger. Buck had told me it was his favorite memory, so I thought there was a good chance it might be Reed’s, too.

  I could tell he was feeling the emotion a little when he reached up to wipe his eye just a little and then looked up at me with a grin.

  “Well, keep looking. There’s more than just one picture in there, you know?” I urged him on.

  He flipped through the pages, stopping for several seconds to take each one in. There was a mix of news clippings, awards and photos. I had written captions for some of the pictures based on the information Buck had given me. Finally, when he got near the end of the book, he stopped at the section of photos of him with his friends. Selfishly, I stuck one in of him and me taken during the lock-in. Someone had snuck a photo when he was lying on my lap (I was pretty sure it was Sienna). I made a copy for myself, too.

  “This…is my favorite,” he said, tapping his finger on the picture of us.

  “Oh, shut up, no it’s not,” I teased, tossing one of the sofa pillows at him. He grabbed it and threw it right back at me, laughing but then turning very serious.

  “No, really. This is my fa
vorite. Come here,” he patted his lap, so I slid over, taking a seat on his knee. “Look, do you see the face you’re making?”

  I was embarrassed to look, blushing a little. I know the face I was making because it was sheer bliss. I couldn’t believe Reed was laying on me, so close. “Yes, I know,” I hid my face, embarrassed.

  Reed pulled my chin up and gave me the sweetest, softest kiss. “Don’t be embarrassed. I love that face you’re making. I was making it, too,” he smiled. “You loved me then, and I can’t tell you how freakin’ happy that makes me.”

  Still a little embarrassed, I just nestled into his shoulder a little, and he held me close, flipping back through the pages of his book, telling me a little about some of the photos I didn’t recognize.

  After almost an hour, he pulled the binding straps around the scrapbook and placed it back in the box, closing the lid. He picked it up and grabbed my hand, leading me upstairs with him. I watched as he slid the box under his bed and then came over to me, picking me up under the arms and raising me up above him then letting me slide down tightly into his arms. “Thank you, Nolan. You always give me the most amazing gifts, truly special,” I could feel his smile against my face.

  “It’s cuz I love you,” I shrugged, growing more and more confident when those words left my lips.

  “Yeah, you always did,” he smiled big then kissed me for the next hour.

  22. Moments

  My junior year was shaping up to be a fairytale. I attended every single one of Reed’s games that season, even the ones that were out in the far corners of the state. Since Sarah and Sienna were always going for cheer and band, my parents were more apt to allow Becky and me to make the road trips on our own.

  My heart stopped each time Reed would lift me up after one of his games, either on his way to the bus or coming out of the locker room. So many times had I watched longingly as he held Tatum. Thoughts of her still poisoned my self-esteem, but I was coming around more and more to the realization that Reed was with me; he was mine and I was his.

  The Bears made it all the way to the state title game again, losing by a touchdown in a last-minute drive against Yuma. Reed took the loss pretty hard, always feeling like the entire town’s hopes were on his back. I knew Buck really wanted to see a repeat title victory for his son, too. But despite the loss, Reed’s performance is what seemed to light up the media spotlight. He had set a new record of more than 4,000 passing yards for the season, and ESPN was coming to town to do a short feature on him for a high school round up segment at the start of the next season.

  The calls from colleges were really firing now, and Buck was in his element. The stack of offers was growing, and the pressure was starting to get to Reed a little by the time the holidays rolled around. I talked my parents into letting him stay at our house for a few days between Christmas and New Year’s because his dad was going to be out of town so much taking meetings. Reed spent most of those days tinkering in the garage with my dad on his pickup, and I think Reed really liked the time away from talking football. My dad really liked having someone who knew a little about cars around, too.

  Reed didn’t dare sneak into my room at night, I think partly because my father put the fear of God into him. But Reed also respected my dad and his rules. That’s not to say I didn’t find my way to the couch during a few late nights, but that was different than sneaking Reed into my bedroom. At least, that’s what we rationalized during our all-night make-out sessions in front of the television.

  The hype from football died down some in the spring, a welcome reprieve for Reed and Buck, who was getting a little tired of the traveling. He was also starting to mix up his colleges, no longer able to rattle off who guaranteed to start Reed and which ones would place him in the back-up position.

  It was my first road trip on the bus with Reed for the track season, and I was smitten. He and I, along with Becky and Sean, grabbed the back seats on the bus before we hit the road for a three-hour trek up north to Holbrook High School. Reed teased me while I folded up my legs and finished up my pre-calc homework. “Nerd,” he jested.

  Once done with my studies, though, I spent most of the way there sharing headphones with Reed and forcing him to listen to my favorite songs on the playlist I had downloaded the night before. I snuggled up in between the window and his arm, burying my face a little in his chest as we listened for more than an hour to my favorite Shins album and The Lumineers. I endured his occasional jokes about my ‘chick music’ and then let him show me what a real man listens to. I was starting to tolerate his rap and heavy rock more, too, probably because it reminded me of him.

  We set up camp in the middle of the field and I stilled a little at the sight of my stuff mixed up with Reed’s, like I had always pictured it in my dreams. We ran together and took our water breaks together, and I stretched by his field events just to watch him throw the shot put and disc. He was so much stronger now, and it was like watching a young Olympian when he threw, easily taking first place in both of his events.

  He, Becky and Sean spread around the field for my event, yelling for me to run faster and cheering me on as I passed each of them. Reed was at the finish line waiting for me when I was done and wrapped me up in his strong arms with such force that you would have thought he was celebrating my win rather than the fourth place tie that had actually happened.

  I couldn’t wait to climb back into the bus for our trip home. There was something about laying my head in Reed’s lap and folding my legs up on the seat, something about the way his soft and warm sweatshirt felt as I snuggled in close that made my already captured heart melt even more. I think this is the moment I had anticipated most since we had begun dating.

  Shrouded in the darkness as we wound through the northern mountain passes making our way back home, I felt at complete ease. A lot of the people around us were either sleeping or watching videos and listening to music, and our small little bus seat felt a million miles away and just ours.

  “What’s on your mind,” Reed asked, stroking my hair behind my ear and looking down at me, his perfect dimples simply perfect.

  “Nothing,” I bit the inside of my cheek a little and blushed, pushing my face into his chest so he couldn’t see my embarrassment.

  Reed tickled me a little to force me out of hiding, leaning down to push his forehead to mine while he kissed the tip of my nose. “That doesn’t look like nothing,” he teased. “Come on, you can tell me. Just say it; you think I’m cute don’t you!”

  He was joking with me, and it was adorable. “Well, you’re alright, I guess,” I rolled my eyes, joking back.

  He dug in for another tickle. “Hey, you’re no looker either, sister. Us uglies have to stick together,” he shot back, then broke into a huge smile. I stuck my tongue out at him and with lightning speed he pulled me to him and kissed me hard. Another perk to the back of the bus, I thought.

  I watched our hands together as Reed held me across his lap and chest, twining his fingers with mine and stroking the top of my thumb and then the inside of my palm. I snuck glances at his face and my heart swelled to see him look just as happy as I felt. Then the words just slipped out of me.

  “How many girls have you slept with,” fire burning on my cheeks, I have no idea where that came from. My eyes lit up, my eyebrows raised and I cupped my hand over my mouth, muffling my next words a little. “Oh my god, I didn’t mean to say that out loud.”

  Reed just hugged me tight, chuckling a little. “You’re adorable, you know that?” he tried to make me feel better. He held me tight for a few seconds and I felt him take a deep breath in. I knew he was trying not to talk about Tatum with me, but I also knew it was inevitable. I knew they had slept together…a lot.

  “Four,” he was matter-of-fact.

  His words stunned me a bit, my body growing rigid and my eyes falling to look strictly at our hands again, not wanting to give anything away. Four? I was not thinking four! Two, maybe. Honestly, I was really thinking one! Who were
the other three?

  “I’m not proud of it,” he sighed, sensing my growing insecurity. “And I would take all of them back if I could. You know that, right?”

  He lifted my chin to look me in the eyes, his so sincere. Mine revealed how shocked and unsettled I was by his confession. I opened my mouth to speak, but didn’t know the words, so I just closed it again.

  Reed reached down to brush my hair out of my face and touch my cheek. “I don’t want to hurt you, Noles, but I’ll tell you anything you want to know. Anything you need to know and deserve to know. But I’m not asking you to have sex with me, not unless you want to. I’ll never be that guy,” he was stern.

  He was still fighting not to be Tyler. “I know,” I smiled at him. “You make me feel safe.” I hugged him tightly again.

  I felt him relax a little and kiss the top of my head. “OK, well, you know about Tatum. She was my first. And, well, that’s because I was an adolescent teenaged boy with hormones busting at the seams and…hell, you know the rest,” he paused, looking out the window for a few seconds either to see if I would stop him or to gather the courage to continue. I wanted to know, but at the same time I didn’t.

  “And…numbers two, three and four?” I questioned, meekly, sort of figuring it out by the timing.

  “I said I wasn’t proud,” Reed said, looking at me again and then looking away. “Morgan was my second… you know? The lifeguard that worked with us this summer?”

  I gulped at his words, willing myself to be a big girl about this. He’s with me now, he’s with me now. The words played over and over in my head, reminding me.

  “Well, Morgan had a friend named Mandy. We were at a party one night and I sort of found myself with her,” he said quietly, scrunching his face a bit in shame. “That’s sort of when Morgan told me to kiss her ass.”

  “Good for Morgan,” I shot back, then slapped my hand to my mouth again. Still talking out loud. “Sorry,” I bowed my eyes and grinned for forgiveness. He just squeezed me tighter.