Waiting on the Sidelines

by Scott, Ginger

  “OK, I guess…” I would be careful.

  We spoke for maybe 10 minutes, mostly just clarifying facts about the accident and how much the students loved Reed and how the town really rallied behind him. I felt pretty good about the interview, until she asked me at the end how I was holding up after going through something so traumatic. That’s when I got a little too comfortable with Kendra and let my mouth run unfiltered.

  “It’s been really hard. I mean, I didn’t have the broken bones and injuries, but I’ve had the guilt. I guess a part of me feels like the entire thing was my fault, like I caused him to miss out on his entire senior year,” this sparked her interest.

  “Why would you think that?” she asked.

  “He was driving me home. If he didn’t have to deal with me then this never would have happened,” as soon as I said the words I wanted to stuff them back inside. My eyes were wide in realization.

  “Hmmmmm, I’m sure that’s not the case,” she was quiet for a moment. No doubt quoting me perfectly, word-for-word. Oh god! “Well, I think I’m set on my story. Thank you so much for your time, Nolan. I really appreciate it. Hey, and good luck next year at ASU! That’s where I went.”

  And then she was gone. I replayed the interview in my mind over and over. By the time evening rolled around, I had finally convinced myself that my words just didn’t fit with the story and I would be safe. At least, that’s what I hoped.

  I searched for the story online and in the paper for days after the interview. Reed had made his announcement as she told me he would. They covered it briefly during sports on the evening news. My parents and I watched and cheered that he was staying in Arizona. I had finally brought my mom up to speed on what had happened between us, though I left out the part where Reed made a dig at our poverty. That still stung me a little, and it wasn’t anything I ever wanted to share.

  There were only a few weeks left before our senior year was over, and my homework was now pretty much non-existent. We were at the point where most of our classes were filled with busy work or movies. We’d been watching the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice in our writing and literature class, which was fine with me and most of the other girls in the class, but I was pretty sure Reed and the few guys taking our class wanted to nap.

  I was looking forward to today’s viewing because we were going to get to see the end. I liked that part, not just because it was swoon-worthy, but because the main character, Elizabeth, stood up for herself. We settled into our desks and Sienna and I were getting quite comfortable, prepared for Mr. Bosch to turn the lights off, when he instead slid to sit on his desk like he had an announcement.

  “I know, I know. It’s movie day. I promise, we’ll get to the movie,” he rolled his eyes a little. I wondered just how many senior semesters he’d endured. “But I had a quick announcement to make before we started, if that’s ok with you guys?”

  He pulled his glasses forward a little to look out at us over the tops, overdoing it for our benefit. Mr. Bosch was everyone’s favorite. “Well then, if I could get a drum roll, please...” A few of the students started patting their desks, and soon the room sounded like it was full of messy thunder.

  “Nolan Lennox.” My eyes shot wide. No, no… no attention, no thank you, no please? “If you could come up here, I have something special I want to present you with.”

  I looked at Sienna, my shoulders scrunched up to my ears and my body stiff. I had no idea what this was about, and I was not looking forward to standing in front of this classroom of students again. Hesitantly, I walked up to the front and turned, rigidly, to face my teacher.

  At first he laughed a little and told me to relax. I leaned a little onto his desk and then just turned to look at him, bobbing between his eyes and my feet with my glare.

  “Nolan, I am so honored to present this to you. I’ve never had a student deserve it more, and I wanted your fellow classmates to know what you’ve achieved,” he was a little emotional as he spoke. “Your memoir essay was very well-received by the writer’s college, Nolan.”

  I gulped a little, my heart pounding as I waited to hear what this meant.

  “Class, Nolan entered her essay in a very competitive contest. Only three awards are given out, and students from throughout the country compete for this award. Nolan, you were given the Note of Distinction. That’s the highest prize, and it means $5,000 a year for your education, provided you keep your GPA up.”

  I wanted to faint, but instead just held myself up on his desk, my eyes I’m sure as wide as they’d ever been. I vaguely could hear the others in my class clapping and whistling for me. I was so stunned, I think it took a few minutes for me to let it all sink in and to smile. I shook Mr. Bosch’s hand as he handed me an envelope full of the information about my award as well as confirmation about my stipend.

  When I turned to walk dazedly back to my desk, I caught Reed’s view and the look on his face was so very much the old Reed, my Reed. He was…proud. Sienna gave me a huge hug and whispered how proud she was of me in my ear. I couldn’t believe it.

  I couldn’t wait to get home to tell my parents, so I broke the school rule and snuck into the girl’s bathroom to call my mom at work. I wasn’t certain, but I think she cried a little as we spoke. And for the rest of the day, a weight was lifted and I felt invincible.

  --------------------

  Ironing the purple silk gown was impossible, each time I flipped it I only seemed to add a new set of wrinkles to the mix. I still couldn’t believe that I was graduating from high school and would be moving from my tiny room into a place of my own with Sienna. Sure, it would be a dorm room, one surrounded by hundreds of other 18-year-old pseudo grownups just like me. But it would be far from home, or at least the farthest I’d ever been.

  My mother was excited for my new adventure in life, but I could tell my dad was having a hard time letting me go. We still had two months at home together over the summer, but my dad had already started prepping my car, checking oil, hoses, vents and parts I didn’t know existed. He’d called Buck a few times, too, to get his opinion, and together the two of them had worried themselves into more than a dozen new parts for my old beater of a car.

  I had practiced my speech for tonight’s ceremony at least a hundred times. As much as I wanted to be valedictorian, I was also thankful that the responsibility had fallen into someone else’s lap, and Sienna was worthy of the honor. I was content to be her number two. My speech was one that was pre-written by years of students before me—the traditional school pillars of pride. Sienna and I had fits of laughter the night before about the pillars and how silly the entire thing seemed. Preaching about character, adversity, discipline and respect to a couple hundred graduated teenagers who were thinking about the beer party that awaited them seemed nothing more than a tremendous waste of time. But my dad planned on filming the entire thing anyhow, so I would perform it well.

  The sky outside was orange with the sunset and I was anxious to get to the football field for the ceremony. I heard a knock at our front door. Sarah was here to pick me up so I grabbed my gown, speech, purse and headed to the front room, yelling out to my parents that I’d meet them there. When I turned back to the door and opened it wide, Reed was standing there.

  Always a vision. He was wearing a pair of khaki pants and a white dress shirt with a fitted black sweater vest over it that hugged his chest. Of course, his chest looked like it had already gone to college and took a pounding on the football field and come back a man. He had cut his hair some, but the curls were still there and the length swept to the sides and front just right. With the whoosh of the door, I also caught his scent, and between the sight of him and the smell that was now attacking my senses, it’s a damned miracle I didn’t just throw myself at him and forget the hurdles we had yet to overcome.

  “Soooo….hi,” he said coyly, in a tone that suggested he was wondering what was taking me so long to speak. I was pretty sure my ogling had been overt.

  “H
i… uhm… happy graduation? Is that even a thing people say?” I was still nervous and clearly unable to think of clever things to say.

  He just laughed a little. “It’s what you say, so I guess that’s all that matters,” he smiled, flashing his perfect teeth and melt-worthy dimples. “I wasn’t sure if I’d see you at the desert party after graduation, and I wanted to give you something…so, I hope it’s ok?” He looked in the house a little to see if we were alone and then gave me a half-smile as if he was unsure of himself. We were both walking on glass around one another, but it was nice to see him struggle, too.

  Reed pulled a box from around his back and held it out to me. I could tell it was a shoe box that he’d tried to wrap himself, which made it all the more adorable to me. “Thanks,” I bit my lip a little, pulling the box into my chest. “I’m sorry…I didn’t really get you anything. This whole graduation thing sort of snuck up on me, I’ve been so busy with scholarship apps.”

  That was a half truth. I had gotten a gift for both Sienna and Sarah. I just didn’t know what Reed was to me anymore, and after spending four hours at the mall trying to find something perfect for him with nothing to show for it, I just threw in the towel.

  “Well, are you going to open it? I know you’re dying to know, you can’t handle surprises,” he knew me so well. I was dying to rip the lid off the box. I smiled guiltily and then pulled the ribbon back that was holding the lid in place and flipped it open in my arms. When I saw the ratty old ASU hat sitting on top of a bed of crumpled tissue paper, my mouth went dry and I squeezed my lips together tightly to keep myself from going full estrogen with my emotions, my eyes already threatening to tear up.

  “It always looked better on you,” he smiled sweetly, reaching in to pull the hat out. He pulled the box from my hands set it on the ground and then looked me in the eyes as he reached for my hand and squeezed my fingers around the hat. “I’d put it on for you, but your hair looks really nice. I don’t want to mess it up before graduation,” he spoke quietly.

  I just stared down at it, so touched at the thoughtfulness of his gift, but also mesmerized by his touch. I thought I would never hold his hand again, and this was the greatest gift I could imagine. “I’m real sorry, Noles,” he surprised me with his words. He kept his eyes down, twisting his mouth a little as his spoke. “I fucked us up real good. And I never meant to be cruel. I lashed out at you, and it wasn’t right.”

  I couldn’t quite catch my breath. He had hurt me with his words. But I think it hurt even more because they came from him, someone I’d let in, let get close. “Thank you,” was all I could say, just nodding a little but keeping my eyes on the hat in my hands and watching his fingers let go of their grasp on me. He leaned forward just a little and kissed my cheek, whispering in my ear just a little before he walked down my driveway and left.

  “I never would have picked Stanford…too far away…” that was all he said.

  The graduation ceremony seemed to breeze by, which was good since the temperatures outside had barely fallen below 100 degrees at night. Most of my classmates were fanning themselves with their hats by the time Sienna welcomed us all to stand and move our tassels over to signal our official end of high school.

  Sienna and I went to Sarah’s house after the ceremony to change into more summer-friendly clothing for the desert party. This night was for seniors only, and it was something every Coolidge student looked forward to, a rite of passage. I sat on the end of Sarah’s bed, my mind off in the distance, while she and Sienna got ready.

  “Nolan, you better hurry, or we’re going to leave your ass here,” Sarah teased.

  “Sarah? Do you think I can borrow some of your clothes?” you would think I offered her $20 she was so excited by my request.

  “Uh, yeah! What do you want? Tank tops? One-shoulder? Skirt, dress, shorts?” she was in her closet in an instant searching for me.

  “I just…wanna look as hot as you can make me look,” I was embarrassed by my own vanity and blushed as I asked.

  “Oh, I can make you look hot,” Sarah grinned devilishly. Sienna rolled her eyes as she went to work.

  Sarah delivered on her promise, dressing me in her shortest denim cut-off shorts and a one-shoulder black shirt with a scoop neck. She pulled my hair up in upside-down braids, letting a few strands fall to the sides. I even relented and let her put mascara and smoky eye shadow on me. I felt bold, which I would need to if I was going to be bold tonight.

  By the time we got to the desert party, most of our classmates had arrived already. The music was pumping, as it always was, but the sheer number of cars parked amidst the desert brush was far from inconspicuous. The local law enforcement was always on alert for graduation night, so there was a strict code among senior classes to follow the designated driver roll. Sienna was ours tonight, which was good because I was planning on downing a little liquid courage to get myself through the night.

  We parked and started to walk to the center of the campsite where most of the other girls were dancing, waiving red cups over their heads. Sarah grabbed one and filled it for me, putting it in my hand with a warning. “Go slow on this, ok missy?” I was new to this drinking thing and knew what I didn’t want to look like when the night was over, so I just smiled and gave her an understanding nod.

  Sipping slowly on my beer, I scanned the crowd until I found Reed and Sean standing over by the bed of Sean’s truck, talking to a few other team members. Reed was laughing and smiling, such a refreshing sight. He was telling them a story about something, setting his beer down to show them something with his hands. He was animated and excited. I watched him for about 10 minutes before he noticed me. And when he did, I could tell my look surprised him—in a good way.

  He didn’t come over to talk to me for a while; instead he snuck glances in my direction from across the fire pits and in the shadows of the headlights that lit the brush around us. We were both flirting from a distance, doing a dance with our eyes. I would watch him walk to the keg and look for me in the crowd, biting his lip a little and looking away when he found me. And I did the same.

  “OK, Noles, I’m cutting you off,” Sienna reached for my cup. I had only had two beers during the hour and a half that we’d been here, but I was already feeling quite a buzz. Sienna had promised me she’d watch out for me, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to disobey her, so I handed my cup to her and walked over to the cooler to grab a water instead.

  I came back to sit on the hood of Sarah’s car with Sienna, handing her a water as well. She was making a suspicious face, turning quickly to look in the other direction. “What was that all about,” I called her on it.

  She bit her lip a little and let out a deep breath, nodding in the direction behind me. I looked over to see Stephanie hanging all over Reed, her arm looped into his and her head resting on his shoulder. And this is what it feels like to get punched.

  Unable to avert my stare, I tried to keep my courage up, the courage I had worked so hard to build with Sarah’s make up and cheap beer. “It could be nothing,” I didn’t look away. “I mean, his hands are just in his pockets. He’s probably just being polite.”

  Almost believing myself I was about to feel satisfied with my conclusion when Reed pulled his left hand from his pocket and put it on Stephanie’s lower back and whispered something in her ear that had her laughing. Just then, Sarah walked by and I took her beer from her hand and drank it all in one tip of the cup.

  That was probably a mistake. I was spinning a little more now, not fully sick but definitely not in the clearest of minds. I had given into dancing with Sarah in the middle of the party, mimicking some of her more provocative moves, though probably not looking as professional as she did. We got a few whistles when we danced together from the guys standing to the side, which only made me try harder.

  My courage was fading quickly by the time midnight was upon us, and Sienna was working on Sarah and me to give up the dancing so we could head home. A lot of the partiers had called i
t a night, but it seemed sadder than it should to be leaving this party. It felt final. Over.

  Making pouting faces at Sienna, Sarah and I finally gave in and gave hugs to several girls who, though we’d spent four years with them, we’d never really been close friends with. It just seemed like the thing to do tonight. Then, as if I’d just remembered why I’d come to the party in the first place, my eyes scanned the remaining crowd in a panic and I stopped in my tracks and grabbed hold of Sienna’s hand before we got to Sarah’s car. “Wait!” I shrilled. “I have to...”

  My friends were so patient, understanding what this meant to me. Sarah was the one to finally see Reed and she pointed to him, hesitantly. She wasn’t ready to trust him yet, and I appreciated her for it. “I have to,” I took a deep breath, looking at them both before I turned and marched over to where Reed was standing next to Sean. I was relieved that Stephanie was nowhere in sight.

  He saw me coming and pulled his beer from his lips, wiping his mouth on his sleeve and setting the bottle down on the edge of the truck before looking back up at me. He was about to say something when I didn’t give him the chance. Wrapping my hands around his neck, I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him with every bit of passion I had left to give. He shifted backwards at first, stumbling a little from the force of my body into his. But soon I felt his arms reach around me, his hands sliding up behind my neck and holding me to him tightly as he started kissing me back.

  I faintly heard Sean whistle and a few of the other guys pipe in with a “damn,” but most of my brain was focused on making Reed remember. I hadn’t gotten him anything for graduation because I didn’t know what to give him; I wanted it to be something that would help him remember us. And I hoped that maybe, just maybe, kissing him one last time would do that.

  Time slowly started to come back into focus as I felt Reed’s hands slip forward from my hair to the sides of my face, holding me in place as our lips finally parted, our foreheads still pressed together as we clung to each other. No words. I had just hoped that this was enough.