Waiting on the Sidelines

by Scott, Ginger

  Pulling away from him slowly, I looked up at him through my hooded lashes, my look as serious as I could force on my face. I walked away backwards at first and turned to join my friends. And once we were safely in the car, I let out a heavy sigh.

  “If he doesn’t know how you feel after that, Noles, he never will,” Sienna said, turning the music up as we pulled out on the desert road and headed home.

  26. Lost and Found

  When I didn’t hear from Reed the next morning, I convinced myself it was because he had hooked up with Stephanie and I was just an indiscretion he had snuck in without her noticing. When I didn’t hear from him during the first week of summer break, I started to feel cheap and questioned how buzzed I really was.

  I had seen Sean a few times at MicNic’s during my shifts over the summer, but Reed didn’t make a single appearance. I knew he would be leaving for school early, so when July rolled around, I gave up hope.

  Becky was back in town for the summer and she and Sean spent most nights going out together. Sean was going to San Diego for college, putting the two of them a short commute away from one another. Sarah and Calley moved into their apartment early and Sienna and I spent a few nights at their place before the dorms opened so we could scope out the campus before the crowds of new students showed up.

  When moving day came, my dad was in full parent-mode, questioning me about every safety feature of my car, wanting to know how many desk people worked at the dorm and how often the front was guarded. He lectured me on keeping our doors locked at all times and on not letting strangers follow me home. My mom rolled her eyes a few times when he talked and would try to undo his damage when he left the room, assuring me that she knows I’m a responsible girl. I knew he was just having a hard time letting go, so I took him out to MicNic’s for one more daddy/daughter milkshake the night before I left for good.

  Sienna and I spent the entire first day on campus loading our clothing, stereo, shoes, computers and other crap we were suddenly wishing we’d left at home from the parking lot to our dorm room five stories up. The elevator was slow to come, so we opted for more trips up and down the stairs.

  I was hanging pictures on my cork board when two guys knocked on our door and called out from the hallway. “Ladies?” Sienna and I looked at each other in a panic, not used to attention from college boys yet. We started to giggle a little and both hopped down from the chairs we’d been standing on and walked over to the hallway leading to the door.

  “Hey, we’re your neighbors,” the tall one with short blonde hair said, reaching out to shake our hands. He was at least a foot taller than I was and had a tattoo that covered one arm. I laughed a little inwardly, wondering how my dad was going to react to this when he came up to visit next week.

  “Hi, I’m Nolan. This is Sienna,” I said, shaking his hand and looking toward his friend, who was equally as tall but seemingly not covered in ink and with longer, dark hair.

  “Hey, I’m Nick and this is Travis,” the blonde said, smiling and making his way into our room a little.

  Sienna and I just backed up and kept our guard up until he turned around in a circle and spoke. “Trav? Come check this shit out. They have, like, twice the space,” he was comparing our room sizes like a kid would and it was funny and setting me at ease. “And their window is bigger!”

  I started to laugh a little and then Travis spoke up. “Yeah, but we have a microwave. I see they didn’t bring one of those,” he smiled superiorly. “Maybe, just maybe, we can broker a deal.” He was rubbing his hand on his chin scruff.

  Sienna looked around and then jumped back up on her bed, grabbing the toolbox from the top shelf of her book case. “We have tools!” she bragged. We all started laughing at her attempt to one up them.

  Nick and Travis had quickly become good friends. The next few mornings, Sienna and I knocked on their door to heat up our oatmeal. And, ironically, they had to borrow our hammer a few times as well. We made plans to attend a few of the orientation events together, and the boys introduced us to a few more of their friends. Of course, when I introduced them to Sarah, they started to show their peacock feathers a little, battling for her attention as most guys did when they first met her.

  I could tell she liked Nick a lot, and I thought that maybe, just maybe, she might find herself in a relationship that lasted more than a week. I caught them making out in the stairwell once, but kept it to myself not wanting to jinx things for her.

  School was starting soon; we had the rest of the weekend and the Monday after before classes officially began. I was sitting on my bed early Sunday morning, plotting out the location of my classes on the map and munching on an apple I’d cut up for breakfast. Sienna had gone out for coffee with Micah, the both of them had joined the marching band together and spent most of their afternoons at practice. Tonight, though, was all about me and my girls. There was a dance party for freshman in the atrium of the arts school and we had been counting down the days.

  Sarah would no doubt spend the evening draping herself on Nick while Sienna and I pretended to dance in a corner, but it would be fun nevertheless. Seeing her with Nick was making me miss Reed more than I cared to admit. I had pinned a few pictures of he and I to the cork board above my bed and I often drifted off to sleep staring at them, pressing the depths of my memory to hold on to his voice.

  I was packing up my map and getting things sorted in my backpack when Sienna burst through the door and came running in, throwing her body onto my bed next to me. Her eyes were wide with surprise, and I couldn’t tell if it was in a good way or a bad way.

  “Whhhhhaaaat…does that face mean?” I tilted my head questioning her even more.

  “Oh my god, Nolan. Please promise me you’re not going to freak out, ok? It’s not that bad, I promise,” she said. Of course, I was freaking out now.

  “Yeah…I’m pretty sure I can’t promise you that now,” my heart was racing and a million scenarios were flying through my mind all the way from my tuition payment had been rejected, my scholarship falling through, to she hadn’t really left for coffee but instead eloped to Vegas and came back married.

  Sienna ground my imagination to a grinding halt the second she flopped the newspaper on my lap, folded to the sports section with a full-page color photo of Reed standing in front of the red and blue A on the mountain near his university campus. I looked up at her, my eyes wide now, too, knowing full well what I would find when I started reading the story. “Shit!” I grabbed the paper and started reading.

  The first part was all about Reed, his projections for the year, how the UofA coaches had tracked him for years and expected great things from him. There was a great quote from Buck about how proud he was to see his son follow in his family’s footsteps and a few quotes from Coach Baker about Reed’s work at Coolidge and how he thought of him as a second son. I was starting to relax a little from the positive nature of the story when I finally came to the section labeled ‘Accident.’

  I gulped and looked up at Sienna, who was just staring at me, her mouth closed tightly, willing me to read on. As I read, I relived the entire night. The way they described his injury made the bile climb up my throat a little and the quote from his mother about how scared she was for her son, describing the call she got from the hospital, almost made me feel sorry for her despite how terrible she’d been to me.

  And then there it was, as if it had been covered in yellow highlighter, it jumped out to me in a flash.

  Reed’s then girlfriend had been in the Jeep with him at the time of the accident, and while she didn’t walk away with the same injuries as the star athlete who had been driving, she was left with a terrible sense of guilt.

  “I guess a part of me feels like the entire thing was my fault, like I caused him to miss out on his entire senior year,” said Nolan Lennox, also a senior at Coolidge at the time. “He was driving me home, and if he didn’t have to deal with me, then this never would have happened.”

  I know the story di
dn’t end there. In fact there was an entire column left. But that’s where it ended in my eyes. I just dropped the paper and flopped back on the bed, smacking my hands to my forehead, my mind racing with possibilities of how I could fix this. I could ask for a retraction, I thought. Except she was accurate, and I hadn’t asked for any of this to be off the record. I just hoped it wouldn’t make sense with her story. But reading it now, I see the emotion my words brought to everything, and the reason she included them. I was screwed.

  I heard Travis and Nick come barreling into our room while I laid on my bed with my pillow over my face wondering if it was possible to buy up every paper in southern Arizona before Reed, Buck or my parents could read my gaffe in all its glory. I sat up when I felt a second pillow hit me in the gut.

  “Hey, what was that for,” I smiled, rubbing my face a little to snap myself out of my funk.

  “Pillow fight with a girl, couldn’t help it,” Travis smirked, flirtatiously, but friendly all the same.

  “I’m not much of a fighter right now, I’m afraid,” I slumped a bit, sliding the copy of the paper over to him and pointing to my quote. I waited a few minutes while he read the entire story and then I felt his stare when he turned to look at me.

  “No fucking way! You dated Reed Johnson?” he was more interested in my love connection to a quarterback then the fact that I’d embarrassed myself in the biggest newspaper in the state. I just shoved him a little to get him back on task and he leaned into me whispering over my shoulder that it wasn’t that bad, immediately turning back to ask me questions about how well I knew Reed.

  Walking through campus that evening to the dance wasn’t as exciting since I’d been hit with my news making quote that morning. I thought about texting Reed more than a few times, but we hadn’t talked all summer, and the thought of trying to reconnect over the mess I’d made just made my stomach bunch. I hadn’t heard from my parents, and I hadn’t heard from Buck by phone or email, so I had an inkling of hope that the story slipped by others unnoticed. But I knew that was probably a delusion, since Buck was like a one-man clipping service for Reed.

  The music pumped and lights cast shadows on the concrete walls and statues in the atrium of the art school. The picture was breathtaking, and for a while I was able to dance and lose myself with Sienna, Sarah, Travis and Nick. Just as I thought, Nick and Sarah paired off with one another quickly, leaving Sienna, Travis and I to dance uncomfortably with one another to the slow songs.

  Micah ended up showing up an hour into the dance and stole Sienna away from our group easily, and since Travis really wasn’t much of a dancer, he and I ended up sitting on one of the concrete walls, watching the crowd of bodies blend below us. Feeling my energy, Travis leaned into me a bit, causing me to look up at him a little. “Where you at?” he questioned. “Because I know it isn’t here.”

  I just smiled faintly, he was right. Reading that story had done more than just thrust me into embarrassment from my quote. It made me miss Reed all over again, maybe even more than I did before. I wanted to go back and look at the picture more closely, knowing it had probably been taken just a few days ago. I smiled inwardly a little thinking about how Reed looked right now.

  “I think maybe I’m going to go home, if that’s ok with you?” I hated leaving him here alone, but I also knew Travis was a bit of a player and would probably be making out with a girl by the time the night was over.

  “You want me to walk you? It’s late,” he was starting to slide down from the wall to stand with me, but I just put my hand on his knee to stop him.

  “No, I’ll be fine. There are security guards all over the walk, and it’s not that far. I’ll keep my phone out, though, and I promise I’ll call you if I get jumped from the bushes,” I joked, realizing he was already checking out a leggy blonde girl dancing near Sarah. He just nodded a little, smiled and walked away to work his charm.

  The walk back was crowded with other freshman who were walking from the dorms to the dance and the recreation center all evening. It was only 9 p.m., so I didn’t feel anxious about being alone.

  I was at our dorm entrance in minutes and walked by the front desk where I flashed my card key that unlocked the main door. I noticed a few letters in my mailbox and pulled them out to flip through them as I took to the stairs. The first was a postcard from Sean from San Diego bragging that his weather was better than mine. The second was from my mom, sweetly telling me that she was proud of me and wanted the honor of being my first piece of mail. I wouldn’t dare tell her that I’d read Sean’s card first.

  I was breathing a little harder by the time I made it up the five flights and opened the stairwell door to head down the hall to go to our room at the end. I saw the flip flops and bare feet first, stopping me in my tracks. Reed’s legs were unmistakable, tanned and muscular, his college basketball shorts draped down to his knees. His long legs were jetting out from the wall, his body leaning against my door as he sat on the floor, his eyes closed as he listened to music through his headphones. His hat was pulled down a little over his eyes and his hands were stuffed in the pockets of his sweatshirt.

  Not wanting to disturb him, he looked so perfect and peaceful, I stood still for a few seconds. He was everything I’d remembered, and somehow, over the few months I’d been away from him, he’d grown so much. My mouth went dry as I thought about my words in the paper, and my palms started to sweat when I realized he was probably here to yell at me for being so careless with the reporter and taking the focus off of his achievements.

  For a moment, I considered turning around and going to find Sienna to ask her what I should do. But I kept forging forward instead. Finally at his feet, I kicked them a little with my own and he startled awake, pulling his hat from his head and running his fingers through his hair that was once again a little longer.

  He stood awkwardly, stretching and trying to get to his feet. I held my breath as I waited for him to speak. When he didn’t, I reached into my pocket for my keys and stared him in the eyes, sure I hadn’t blinked for over a minute. “Wanna…come in?” I asked, sucking my lip in and holding my breath yet again.

  He looked down a little, kicking his feet and stuffing his hands back in his pockets before looking back at me. “Yeah, that’d be great. The floor’s a little stiff,” he smiled, stretching his back a little as he walked through my tiny door frame. His body had definitely grown as he seemed to fill my room more than he ever had before. He had always towered over me, but now he seemed to double my width as well.

  I followed him in and locked the door behind me out of habit. “You planning on kidnapping me?” he joked when he saw me do it.

  “Oh, sorry, habit. My dad calls me to remind me,” I rolled my eyes.

  “I’m glad he does,” he said, smiling and looking around our room. He looked over Sienna’s desk and shelves with affection before turning to my side of the room. He picked up the small heart pillow I had brought from home and held it close before putting it back down and picking up the hat he had given me. He looked over the pictures on my cork board and straightened one of me and him. I swallowed hard as I watched him, my heart swelling that he was here in my personal space.

  He walked over to the window and pulled the curtain back a little to check out our view. “You can see the stadium,” he said, looking out at it for a while before closing the curtain again. I just nodded.

  When he turned to face me, my body flushed and I thought briefly I might pass out. He leaned back and sat on the edge of my desk, his hands once again back in the pockets of his sweatshirt. He looked down for a long while, thinking, his forehead heavy with thought and his eyebrows drawn close together before he finally turned up to capture my gaze with his.

  “Nolan, what happened…you know that it wasn’t your fault, right?” I had feared this. I just gulped a little and nodded slightly, trying to make myself small. “Do you really?”

  He was questioning me and moving closer to me now, standing straight. I was leaning aga
inst the wall opposite of him, against our closet door, and as he closed the distance between us I thought seriously about opening the door, crawling inside and locking it to wait him out.

  He stopped when he was an arm’s length from me, his eyes still pouring into mine. The green was mesmerizing, like a truth serum. “Nolan? Did you mean what you said in the paper? That you felt like this was all your fault?” he was even closer now. I closed my eyes a little at his question, afraid to look at him this closely.

  “Sorta,” I squeaked.

  I heard the breath escape him and he stepped forward again, now inches from me, his arm leaning against the wall next to me. When I felt his forehead press to mine, I shook a little, trying to stifle my cry. I kept my eyes closed tight, not wanting to feel any of the guilt I’d tried so hard to escape.

  “Nolan,” Reed whispered. “This…the accident, our breakup, my season…none of that was your fault. None of it.”

  His hand was under my chin now and he was forcing me to open my eyes. Blurry-eyed, I looked at him, but quickly tried to look to the side, unable to against his force. He looked me in the eyes again, moving his hand to my cheek and bringing his other hand to the other side of my face, brushing the hairs out of the way. “Nolan, it wasn’t your fault. The accident, it just happened. And our relationship, I’m the one who destroyed that. OK?”

  I shook again, fighting against the full on cry that I’d buried deep down for months. Reed was wiping away my tears now and bringing me into his chest to hold me close. By instinct, I reached up and grabbed the fabric of his sweatshirt in my hands and squeezed tightly before reaching around his body to hold him back. “You never called. I waited…” I confessed. I kept my face flat to his chest, embarrassed and afraid of his response.

  I felt his body stiffen a little and then I felt the air leave his lungs as he relaxed. “I wanted to…so badly,” he kissed the top of my head with his words. “But I wanted you to live your life and make a decision just for you. I didn’t want you to be disappointed, following me to some school and then watching me fail. I can’t let you down again,” he was holding me tighter now, almost as if he was afraid I would be the one to run away.