Battlefield of the Heart

by E. A. West

  “I hope you were taking notes on that exchange,” Dr. Brixton said. “One of the difficulties I’ve seen some veterans face is not feeling like the heroes we see them as. Josh has a hard time accepting gratitude for doing his job because there were times he did everything he could, but it didn’t save the soldier’s life. He knows there wasn’t anything else he could do, but he sometimes feels like he failed somehow.”

  A wave of sympathy for Josh washed through her, but it couldn’t drown her confusion. “How does someone’s gratitude make him feel like a failure?”

  “He once told me that when someone thanks him for saving a life or treating a wound, he’s reminded of the people he tried to help who died anyway. He’s slowly getting over that, but it’s going to take him a long time to get to the point where he can say, ‘You’re welcome,’ when someone thanks him for doing his duty.”

  As she considered the professor’s words, as well as everything she’d learned through talking with the veterans’ group, it hit her just how big her topic was. “There’s a lot more to my topic than I thought, isn’t there? I figured I’d write a short paper on it and be done with it. But I’m not sure I can keep the paper short.”

  Dr. Brixton tapped a finger against his chin. “Well, you’ll need a research paper that’s at least twenty-five pages long at the end of the semester. Why don’t you use this topic for that and pick something less complex for the five pages due Monday?”

  “I think I’m going to have to.” Her thoughts were already drifting to what her new topic could be. “I have to go do some research. I’ll see you in class.”

  ****

  After a few hours at the library, Cindy was starving. Her watch revealed it was a little after six. Definitely time for dinner. She made a few more copies then headed for Mitchell Complex, since it was close. The possibility of seeing Danny there was a bonus, one she wouldn’t admit to anyone else. So what if he was gorgeous? By his own admission, he was a psychological mess. Not exactly prime boyfriend material. All the same, she wouldn’t mind getting to know him a little better.

  Once she bought a sandwich and a cup of soup, she sat down at one of the tables in the crowded dining room to look through the articles she’d copied. She spooned a bite of the creamy potato soup with just enough pepper to add a hint of spice to the velvety warmth. A contented sigh escaped her lips. No wonder Danny preferred the food here to any of the other dining rooms on campus. Mitchell Complex was Whitcomb University’s answer to fine dining. Everything else was akin to cheap fast food.

  As she ate and tried to make a final decision on a new topic for her paper, she became aware of someone standing beside her. She looked up to find Danny watching her with a grin.

  “I think I understand how you forget meals. I was beginning to wonder if you’d notice I was standing here.”

  “Yeah, I can get pretty absorbed in my work.” Cindy laid aside the article in her hand. Her heart thumped with anticipation under the warmth of his smile. “You want to join me?”

  “Sure.” He set his tray down and slid into the chair across from her. “So, what are you studying?”

  “I’m trying to pick a new topic for my paper. My original topic was too complex, and Dr. Brixton suggested I use it for my term paper instead.”

  “Is that the paper you were talking to us about last night?”

  “Right.” Cindy paused as a group nearby howled with laughter. Once they quieted enough that she could hear herself think, she continued. “You guys just became my term paper, but I can’t decide between health care, education, and poverty for the paper due next week.”

  “You and Dr. Brixton think veterans coming home is more complex than any of that?” Danny said, picking up his sandwich.

  “I didn’t think so until I started doing the research. But there are a lot of things involved with reintegrating into civilian life.”

  He swallowed and nodded. “Yeah, I guess you have a point. From a combat veteran’s perspective, I can tell you it’s not easy to come back to what used to be normal life. Nothing about it feels normal right now. Being on alert all the time and living with the knowledge I could die at any moment is much more normal.”

  How would it feel to be that aware of her own mortality? Surrounded as they were by the cheerful chatter of dining college students, she found it impossible to imagine constantly wondering if her next breath would be her last. Before she could think of a reply, Danny spoke.

  “Did I get a little deep for dinner conversation?”

  “No, I just don’t know what to say,” she said with a sheepish smile.

  He laughed, drawing a couple of curious glances from the next table. “I’ve discovered I have that effect on a lot of people. Lacey has the same problem, although she’s gotten a lot better about it.”

  Cindy studied him, trying to understand his relationship with her. “You and Lacey are good friends, aren’t you?”

  “Yeah, we’ve both had a hard time dealing with life and kind of gravitated toward each other. We’re both at the extreme end of the veteran spectrum. I have a lot more psychological stuff going on than most veterans, and Lacey has more physical stuff. The rest of the guys in the group are much more average. Take Halbert, for example. He didn’t have any injuries that counted; he didn’t end up in any traumatizing situations. He just did his job, completed his enlistment, and came home.”

  “And he was in Iraq, right?” She was pretty sure the red-haired guy had said something about it the night before.

  “Right. He’s much more normal than me or even Josh. Yeah, he’s got stuff he’d rather forget, but he’s still basically the same as he was before his deployment.”

  They continued to talk while they ate, and the conversation shifted to their lives outside of school. Danny’s favorite hobby of photography added to her interest in him. She hadn’t imagined him doing something so artistic, but it fit with his gentle personality. When he offered to teach her a little about photography, she accepted without hesitation. She’d always wanted to learn how to take better pictures, but she wasn’t brave enough to go buy a good camera and teach herself.

  After dinner, Cindy put her papers in her backpack and slung the strap over her shoulder as she walked outside with Danny. He took a deep breath of the late summer air and glanced at her with a smile.

  “I can’t wait for fall, with all the trees changing colors. It’s always been my favorite time of year, and I missed it terribly while I was deployed.”

  “I’ve always been partial to spring. I love the way the world comes to life after a long winter.”

  “That’s great, too. But nothing can compare to the brilliant colors of autumn leaves.”

  She lifted an eyebrow. “What about the vibrant colors of spring flowers?”

  He stopped and turned to her with a chuckle. “Okay, you win. Spring is awesome, too.” He glanced toward the quad. “Come on. I want to get your opinion of something.”

  Curiosity prompted her to follow him as he headed for the park-like quadrangle across the street. He led her to the fountain with a blue glass wave sculpture in the middle. She’d seen it many times, even sat on the cement ledge around the fountain to study. She turned to Danny. “What do you want my opinion on?”

  “The best angle for a photograph of the fountain. You said you want to learn about photography. Most of it is just knowing how to frame a photo. So, what angle would make the best picture?”

  She turned toward the fountain again and slowly walked around it, looking at it from various angles. Finally, she stopped and glanced at Danny. “I think this looks good.”

  He nodded, then took her hand and led her a little farther to the left. “Your angle is good, but take a look at this.”

  She studied what he had selected and saw what he meant. While she had centered the fountain in her imaginary shot, he’d placed it off center. It was still the focal point, but more of the quad showed, giving it a spontaneous feel rather than one of staging.

&n
bsp; “Do you see what makes it work?”

  “I think so.” Cindy glanced over and met his gaze. A tingle raced through her veins, warming her more than the lowering sun. Those soft gray eyes held more joy when he talked about photography. What else could make him come alive like that and make the haunted expression virtually disappear?

  “Let’s try it again.” His scanned the quad and nodded. “Why don’t you find an angle for that lamppost?”

  She headed for the place he indicated and studied it carefully. She moved until she stood a few feet to the right of the lamppost. Turning just a little, she found an area of trees dappled with waning sunlight that added to the scene. A few students scattered along the path made it picturesque.

  Danny stepped up behind her. “Is this your shot?”

  “This is it.” She looked over her shoulder at him.

  “Nice.” He nodded and smiled. “I think this is the one I would have chosen.”

  His praise warmed her. “It’s nice to know I’m catching on.”

  “You’re a natural.” He moved to her side. “Now you just need to try it with a camera.”

  Cindy laughed, wishing she knew if he felt the same budding attraction she did. “Well, that’ll be easier once I have a camera with manual focus.”

  “Yeah, automatic focus is great for a lot of things, but not for the stuff I like to do.”

  “And that would be?” She hoped it wasn’t anything weird. Maybe she should have asked before accepting his offer of lessons.

  “Play with the focus. Hold the shutter open a little longer for some things, like to give running water a softer look. Change out lenses for different types of photos.” He met her questioning look with a shrug. “Basically, I like the freedom a manual focus camera gives me rather than being restrained by the limitations of where the camera thinks it should focus.”

  A shadow crossed his features, and he looked away, leaving Cindy wondering if he liked photography as much as he claimed. He’d seemed so much more animated talking about it, right up until his last comment. Before her confusion had time to fully develop, his expression cleared and he glanced around, almost as though he’d forgotten where he was. Then he smiled and lifted his hand toward the western sky just starting to turn gold and pink with evening.

  “You want to see my favorite spot to watch the sunset?”

  Her instincts said she could trust him, but common sense dictated she get a little more information. “Where is it?”

  “Third floor of the library. The windows on the west side overlook the quad, so no buildings are in the way, and they’re high enough that the trees don’t block the view either.”

  Watching the sunset in a public place with a gorgeous guy who could appreciate the beauty of the changing colors sounded like the perfect way to end the evening.

  Chapter Four

  Stepping out of the Hobart Building was like stepping into a furnace. Cindy drew in a deep breath of the humid air and wished for fall. The August sun burned down with blinding intensity, and every building and paved surface on campus radiated heat. She sighed and started her trek down the sidewalk, thankful her dorm was air conditioned.

  “Cindy!”

  She turned and found Danny jogging across the street toward her. Boy, did he look good in motion. She resisted the urge to fan herself and focused on breathing normally. When he stopped beside her, she raised her eyebrows. “Isn’t it a little hot for jogging?”

  He shrugged. “I’ll take ninety and humid in Indiana over a hundred and twenty in Iraq any day. There’s nothing quite like being on foot patrol over there this time of year.”

  She remembered news footage of soldiers patrolling in heavy body armor, helmets, and long sleeves. “Somehow, after what you just said, the weather seems kind of nice today.”

  He chuckled and adjusted the strap of his backpack, which he carried over one shoulder. “It’s amazing what a change of perspective can do for your opinion.”

  “You have a point.” A strand of hair that had escaped her ponytail fell in her eyes, and she brushed it away. “So, are you on your way to or from class?”

  “From. I just got out of my philosophy class. Are you headed back to the dorm?”

  She nodded and they started down the sidewalk. “I hated philosophy when I took it. Questioning everything, including some of the questions, just about drove me nuts.”

  “It’s my least favorite class. I mean, why would anyone want to ponder whether God, who can do anything, can create a rock so heavy He can’t pick it up?”

  Cindy laughed, remembering that conundrum from her own days in the freshman course. “Now you know why I hated the class.”

  They continued discussing their classes, and Cindy learned his favorite was Biblical Literature. She loved the way his eyes lit up as he talked about the Bible and some of the themes his class was discussing. It reminded her of the joy she’d seen when they discussed photography the day before.

  Josh came down the sidewalk toward them. After a quick greeting, he focused on Danny. “Hey, are you still coming tonight?”

  “Of course. You want me to bring anything?”

  “A dessert of some kind would be awesome. Everything else is covered.”

  “Okay, I can do that.”

  “Cool.” Josh turned to Cindy. “I’ve got some people coming over to my place later for a cookout. You want to come?”

  “Sure.” When was the last time she’d been to a cookout with friends? Going to one with Danny sounded even better. “To repeat Danny’s question, you want me to bring anything?”

  “Nah, just yourself.” Josh checked his watch and sighed. “I have to go. Danny can give you directions to my apartment or maybe just give you a ride. I’ll see you guys later.”

  Josh continued down the street, and Cindy turned to Danny. “So, what are you taking?”

  “I’m thinking baked goods.” He glanced at his own watch. “We’ve got a few hours until we need to be at Josh’s. Want to run to the store with me and pick up the supplies to make something?”

  “Sure, why not?” A single man who knew how to bake? Not common in her experience, but thoughts of him working in the kitchen, maybe with a streak of flour on his cheek, left her feeling a little breathless.

  They went to the freshman parking lot, about three-quarters of a mile past their dorm, and climbed into his dark green pickup truck. Once they were on State Road 3, headed north, Cindy turned toward Danny. “What are you going to make?”

  “Cookies sound good.” He glanced at her as he stopped at the traffic light by the cemetery.

  “What kind of cookies?”

  “Chocolate chip, of course. Is there any other kind?”

  She laughed as the light turned green. “Dozens, but chocolate chip are always good.”

  “I knew you’d see it my way.”

  The grocery store parking lot was fairly empty when they arrived, and Danny pulled into a space close to the door. Waves of heat drifted up from the blacktop as they headed for the entrance.

  Cindy breathed a sigh of relief when she passed through the automatic doors and into the cool interior of the store. “Okay, I take back what I said earlier. Ninety and humid still feels terrible.”

  “It’s the humid part that makes it so miserable.” Danny pulled a shopping cart from the long line and pushed it toward the aisles. “But the storms later should help cool it off.”

  “Wait. It’s supposed to storm, and Josh is having a cookout?”

  “Yeah, but he’s been planning this longer than we knew about the storms. The worst that can happen is we cook in his kitchen instead of on his grill.”

  Cindy walked beside him toward the baking aisle, mildly surprised when he bypassed the mixes. Despite her earlier imaginings, she hadn’t expected him to know how to make cookies from scratch.

  Danny tossed a couple of packages of chocolate chunks in the seat of the cart. “Walnuts or pecans?”

  “That’s a tough one. Both are good.�
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  “You’re right.” He grabbed one package of each kind of chopped nuts and added them to the cart. “Cookies don’t take long to make, so I’ll just make a batch with each kind.”

  “Won’t you end up with about a million cookies?” she asked as they moved down the aisle.

  “Probably, but like we already discussed, chocolate chip cookies are awesome. With a million cookies, there should be enough for everyone to take some home.”

  She grinned as he picked up a bag of flour. “I like a man who knows how to think ahead.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind.” He stopped and looked around. “Where’s the shortening?”

  Cindy cast a quick glance up and down the aisle. She spotted the familiar blue cans several feet behind them. “Back there.”

  He laughed and walked back to grab a small can of shortening. “So much for thinking ahead.”

  “Ah, but you just proved you’re not afraid to ask for help if you need it.”

  “Yeah, that’s a lesson I learned the hard way.” The joviality left his expression, and he gathered the rest of the dry ingredients in silence.

  As she followed him toward the dairy section, she struggled to figure out what had happened. She didn’t think she’d said anything to kill his good mood. They’d both been joking around, but what had caused his sudden shift from upbeat to melancholy?

  She chewed on a thumbnail as she pondered whether she should say something to Danny or just wait for him to speak again. Dropping her hand to her side, she fought off the familiar, if annoying, insecurity uncertain situations always caused.

  Danny set a box of unsalted butter in the cart and then turned toward her. “Don’t let me bring you down. I just… Things cross my mind sometimes, and it takes me a little bit to get past them.”

  “Is that because of the PTSD?”

  “Yeah. I have a lot of triggers, some of which I’m still discovering, but I’ve been assured they should get easier to ignore eventually.” He sighed and moved over to the egg case. “I sort of believe that, since I’m not as bad now as I was at first. But it’s still frustrating.”