Vivienne's Guilt

by Heather M. Orgeron

  After wiggling the rest of the way out of his pants, Abbott lies on his side facing me. He runs the backs of his hands down my cheeks and neck...to my breasts.

  My nipples pebble beneath his touch and I arch into him, begging him to ease the ache that’s building in my core.

  Fisting one hand into his blond hair, I mold my lips to his. Our bodies are pressed so tightly together that I can feel his cock hardening against my belly, and I’m overwhelmed with a need...a desperate aching need unlike anything I’ve ever felt.

  I run my fingers beneath the band of his boxer briefs and release him.

  Holy shit.

  He’s huge and rock hard. As nervous as I was earlier, I am so turned on that fear has taken a back seat to desire. I need him inside of me. I can feel myself growing wetter as Abbott rubs me through my lace panties. The friction created by the material has me ready to jump out of my skin.

  I moan and writhe against him. “Abbott.” I gasp. “Oh God. Now...please, I need you.”

  “Almost, baby,” he whispers, sliding my panties down my legs ever so slowly. It’s exquisite torture. I’m a bundle of nerves, and his touch is electrifying. I squirm beneath him as he trails kisses up my belly. Abbott cups my breasts and squeezes as he makes his way back to my mouth.

  He slips a hand behind my back, unhooking my bra, and then slides the straps down my arms, and for the first time ever, I am completely bare to him. Resting on his elbows, Abbott gazes into my eyes and whispers, “I love you, Viv. I’ve never made love to a woman before. I knew it...I knew you would be worth the wait. Thank you.” Kiss. “Thank you for being my first...and I hope—” kiss “—my last.”

  His first...His last.

  Tears spring to my eyes. “You are a dream, Abbott. I love you so much...so much. I can’t imagine sharing this with anyone else.”

  There...that was sort of a confession, right?

  “Shit,” he hisses. “I threw my pants over to the couch, babe. I need to get up and get a condom.”

  “I’m on the pill, and I’m clean. I trust you,” I say, tightening my grip. I don’t want him to leave me, even for only a few seconds.

  “I’ve never had sex without a condom before. Are you sure?”

  Nodding my head, I answer, “I’m sure.”

  Abbott’s lips meet mine at the same time that he enters me and my body tenses. He stills in response. I feel so full and stretched.

  It’s too big. Oh my God, I’m too small.

  It’s not the excruciating pain that I’d imagined, but it burns. I let out a moan and squeeze my legs tight around his torso, trying to allow time for my body to adjust to his size.

  “Ohh,” he moans. “Viv...you are so tight, baby.”

  He has no idea.

  Abbott begins to move, and I cry out, digging my nails into his shoulders.

  “Oh shit, Viv? Baby, are you all right? Am I hurting you?”

  I feel a lone tear escape and roll down my cheek as I bite my lip, trying not to cry.

  “I’m sorry, Abbott. I should have told you,” I cry.

  Confusion and worry are clearly written on his face. “Told me what, babe? I don’t understand.”

  “I’ve, ummm...I’ve never done this before...had sex, I mean.”

  “Oh, no. Oh, Viv...why didn’t you say anything? I’d just assumed...”

  “I know. I know I should have told you, but I was scared that you’d want to wait even longer, and I wanted it to be you, Abbott...It’s really not that bad.”

  “Just what every man wants to hear. ‘It’s not that bad,’” he jokes, but the look of concern he’s giving me is a clear contradiction to his words.

  I shake my head and let out a nervous laugh. “That’s not what I meant, and you know it. I just thought it would be really painful. It stings, and I think that maybe I’m just not big enough. Does it hurt? Are you hurting? You can get out if you need to.”

  Abbott chuckles. “No...no, it doesn’t hurt. You feel amazing, baby. I just hate that I’m hurting you. Do you want to stop?”

  I shake my head. “No, I don’t want to stop. Can you just...just kiss me?”

  And he does. Careful not to move his hips, Abbott slants his mouth over mine and kisses me with a passion that shakes me to my core, annihilating any and all rational thought. It’s a kiss of desperation, of pure and unadulterated need. It’s earth shattering—soul shaking. It is a kiss by which to measure all others.

  We are so consumed in each other that I barely register when he starts to slowly rock in and out. The pain now forgotten, I can’t seem to get enough.

  Abbott laves at my breast as he pumps in and out, rubbing my clit and sending sparks of pure bliss throughout my body.

  I can feel my climax growing closer with every thrust. “Abbott,” I moan. “Oh...oh God...don’t stop.”

  He picks up the pace and takes me over the edge. Every muscle in my body tenses as we explode together. My fists clench and toes curl. For an instant, it feels as if the entire world stops on its axis. I can’t breathe...can’t think—only feel. This feeling is indescribable. It’s like I’m falling off a cliff but there’s no fear...it’s freeing and exhilarating. I’m floating...flying...soaring. I feel a rush of euphoria followed by an overwhelming feeling of love in my gut.

  Brushing the hair out of my eyes, Abbott asks, “Viv, are you okay, baby?”

  I nod my head and bite my lip. I can’t seem to form a coherent thought. “Yes, God...that was...wow...”

  A huge grin lights his face. “That good, huh?”

  “Mmmmhmm,” I moan. “Better.”

  He puffs up his chest with pride. “I’m glad...I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

  He is so freaking cute, worrying over me.

  “Not too much. Really, I just sort of forgot all about the pain. It was incredible, Abbott. You’re amazing.”

  He kisses the tip of my nose as he starts to withdraw.

  I groan and try to hold him in. “Don’t,” I whine.

  Abbott laughs. “Baby, I need to clean us up and make sure you’re okay,” he says as he kisses my pout.

  I watch him walk off through the bedroom to the bathroom, and his absence is overwhelming. I feel like I could burst into tears. What the hell? He is coming right back, Vivienne, chill!

  “I wish you would have told me,” Abbott says as he walks toward me. “I could’ve prepared better...taken things slower for you.”

  I shake my head as I take the warm, wet towel from his hands. “That’s precisely why I didn’t want to tell you. Abbott, you couldn’t have planned this any better if you’d known. It just would have been more awkward for me, and if you’d taken it any slower, I might have joined the nunnery for fear that something was wrong with me,” I joke.

  “There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, Viv.” He rakes his eyes over my body. “I’ve never seen a more beautiful sight. It would be such a shame to waste it on a life of nunhood,” he says as he lies down behind me and pulls me into his chest.

  I scoff, “Seriously, dude? You’ve seen half the female student body naked. And ‘nunhood’...is that even a word? I don’t think that’s a word, Webster.”

  I feel his chest vibrate with silent laughter. “I haven’t been with as many girls as you think.”

  “No? You care to share a number?”

  Abbott coughs. “Uh, no, not really. I didn’t exactly keep track. Those girls meant nothing, Viv. They were just fun.”

  I turn over in his arms and meet his eyes with my own. “Is that what I am, Abbott? Am I just fun?”

  “You,” Abbott says, meeting my gaze, “are forever. Mark my words, Vivienne Anderson; I’m going to marry you someday.”

  “Awful sure of yourself, aren’t you, cocky?” I tease while sending up a silent prayer to the heavens that he is speaking the truth. Could I actually be lucky enough to spend the rest of my life with this Adonis?

  He shuts me up with a kiss that leaves me breathless. “You can’t tell me you didn’t
feel that, Viv. This,” he says, grasping my chin and rubbing the pad of his thumb over my bottom lip, “this doesn’t come along every day. We have something special. This is what forever feels like. It has to be.”

  “Forever, huh? I like the sound of that,” I say, smiling against his lips.

  I smile against trembling fingertips as warm tears pool in my eyes. Forever. Forever seems like an infinite amount of time...until it’s ripped away...gone in an instant. My boy kept his word, though. He gave me forever, and what a beautiful forever it was.

  After drying my tears with the backs of my hands, I take my pill and then pad down the hall to check on Matilda.

  When I reach her room, I stand in the doorway for a moment, just watching the slow rise and fall of her chest as she sleeps so peacefully. In the silence, I can hear the soft purr of her little snores, and I watch as the morning sunlight bounces off her bed-tangled hair. My heart fills to bursting every time I look at our baby. We made this perfect little angel. She’s a living, breathing representation of our love. I’ve never seen anything more beautiful and a love more perfect has never existed...of this I’m certain.

  Our girl.

  Careful not to wake her, I climb in and curl my body around hers. Burying my nose in strawberry-scented hair, I fall asleep holding what’s left of forever in my arms.

  I miss you, Abbott.

  Vivienne

  As I French braid my long hair, I can’t help but take notice of the washed out reflection staring back at me. Ugh. I look as exhausted as I feel. I try to disguise puffy, tear-swollen eyes with a little makeup, but I’m not sure why I even bother. We’re going tubing with Cassie and Sierra, and makeup won’t last five minutes in the water.

  The past few days have been spent swimming in the pool and fishing on the lake with Reid and Tillie. It’s been nice, if not a little weird. Reid seems a bit off, and I can’t help but wonder what I may have said or done to cause his change in mood. I can’t remember a thing past the dildo episode. God, how I wish I could erase that embarrassment from my memory. Maybe it made him more uncomfortable than he let on. Ugh, I don’t know. I could just be imagining the whole thing. I guess I should be happy that I’ve been so preoccupied with what I may have done to push Reid away that I haven’t had time to have any major breakdowns.

  Cassie thinks that I’m worrying over nothing. She swears that I was no more than drunk and silly, and unless she’s hiding something, I can’t see why that would make him pull away. I could just be oversensitive. He hasn’t said or done anything all that obvious. It’s more the little things he isn’t doing that have my mind wandering.

  He still shows up for all of his meals and is polite and extremely attentive to Tillie. That girl is smitten with Prince Reid. But, he leaves after dinner and hasn’t asked about his pool lesson again. He spends a lot of time on his phone, more than he did when he first got here for sure, and when Tillie goes to take her nap; he excuses himself back to the pool house.

  I just feel like he’s avoiding spending any time alone with me specifically, and to be honest, I miss the attention. It sounds stupid, but he made me feel beautiful and desired...all of the things that Abbott always made me feel. Even though I know it was only his southern charm, I miss it. I miss him and the friendship we were building. I miss feeling like a real woman again for those brief moments.

  Whatever, I don’t have time to dwell on it anymore today.

  I take one last glance in the mirror before heading downstairs to join the rest of the gang.

  Reid’s laughter booms down the hall as I make my way to the kitchen. It takes me back for a moment. I miss Abbott’s laugh. I miss the way it filled my heart so completely just to see him smile. Our house was always filled with happy sounds. The silence that threatens now is deafening.

  I walk into the room and am so grateful for the people in it. Without Cassie and Reid breathing some life into this place, it would be one dreary day after another. And I can’t forget Tillie. That sweet girl saves me every single day. She gives me a reason to wake up each morning and a billion reasons to keep smiling.

  “Hey, guys,” I call out. “Y’all just about ready to go?”

  Reid turns to answer, and I notice him check me out in my light pink bikini and lace cover-up. It’s not the first time he’s seen me in a bathing suit, but it’s definitely the first time I’ve noticed that hunger in his eyes.

  I answer his look by raising my brows. Reid scrubs at his face with his hands and looks down in embarrassment. “Hey,” he mumbles to the floor before turning to grab the ice chest and keys. “Yeah...I’m ready,” he calls over his shoulder as he pushes out of the door, letting it slam shut behind him.

  Why is he being so weird?

  “I’m ready, too, Mommy,” Tillie answers, never one to be outdone.

  “Come here so I can get some sunscreen on those white arms of yours, Princess.”

  “Hey, hooch!” Cassie shouts as she crosses the room. She tilts her head back toward the door. “I see he’s still acting special...” She throws a thumb over her shoulder. “What’d you do?”

  Laughing, I answer, “You probably shouldn’t be calling me that in front of the kids...And, yeah...see what I mean?” I ask, shaking my head. “I knew I wasn’t imagining things.”

  “Pffft. Whatevs!” she says, hugging me from behind. “I’ve missed your sexy ass this week,” she whispers into my ear before tracing her tongue lightly along the edge.

  Choking, I swat her away. “Yeah? Thanks for whispering. You’re hopeless! I can’t believe you work with children for a living.”

  She gasps loudly, placing a hand on her chest. “I’m a wonderful role model. The picture of a lady. The epitome of what these girls should strive to be,” she says, grinning back and forth between the girls. “You two start taking notes if you haven’t already.”

  “Slow down, woman. Let’s not get carried away,” I tease, knowing full and well that I would love nothing more than for Tillie to be just like her godmother.

  “Girl, Tillie is used to me. She knows not to repeat the things Auntie says, doncha, baby girl?” she asks, ruffling her hair.

  Tillie smirks. “I’m gonna be just like Auntie when I’m all growed up.”

  Narrowing her eyes into slits, Cassie glares at my baby. “You little traitor!” she shouts, taking a step forward, and pretending that she’s going to chase Tillie. Tillie takes off screaming, and Cassie waves Sierra over. “Sierra, do you remember my friend, Vivienne?”

  “Yeah, I do. Hi, Mrs. Vivienne,” she answers a little hesitantly.

  My answering smile is an attempt to set her at ease. “Hey, Sierra. I’m so glad you’re coming with us today.”

  She chews on the inside of her lip...a nervous habit. “Me too. Thanks for inviting me. I hate it at the Clawsons’ house.”

  How does Cassie do this and not have a house full of kids? This girl is breaking my heart after only five minutes. If I hadn’t just lost Abbott, I’d be tempted to keep her myself. I swallow hard, trying not to show the emotion I feel. “I’m sorry to hear that, Sierra. I hope things get better for you really soon, sweetie.”

  Pushing a lock of raven hair behind her ear, she nods. “Thank you. You too...I hope things are better for you soon, too.” I know that she is referring to Abbott, and I can tell how hard it was for her to get those words out. I can’t imagine how such a sweet and shy girl could be the same child that Cassie has described mouthing off and running away from the Clawsons.

  As they do anytime someone offers their condolences, my eyes well up. I offer a strained “Thank you” and start gathering my things. “Let’s go, girls, before Prince Reid leaves us behind,” I say, clearing my throat to disguise the hurt.

  Reid

  Fuck! I had to get out of that house. The sight of Vivienne in that little bikini had me ready to nut in my shorts. I can’t get the woman out of my head. Holding her the other night and not being able to really touch her was brutal. I want her...and I can’t w
ant her. I can’t have her. I can’t do anything about the feelings I am developing for her, and it’s fucking with my head.

  She’s fucking with my head. Why would she invite me into bed with her? I get that she’s lonely and needs someone to comfort her, but that felt...it felt wrong. When I ran into her the following morning, she acted as if nothing had happened at all...and maybe to her nothing had. But for me...for me it was excruciating. She has no idea how close I was to doing very dirty things to her in that black lingerie. I’m not this guy...but, fuck...I’m no saint either. I can only take so much temptation.

  I reach the wharf and begin loading our things into the boat. When I’m almost through tying the tube to the back, I glance up and see the girls making their way over. When Tillie spots me, she comes running.

  “Heya, Dimples. You ready to go have some fun?” I ask as I finish up the knot. It’s crazy how quickly I’ve become attached to this kid.

  She climbs onto my back, hugging my neck. “Uh huh,” she says, cupping her hand over my ear and whispering, “Auntie Cass telled Momma that you are acting weird, Prince Reid. Don’t tell her I telled you that, okay?”

  Shit. So they have noticed...“Never. Your secrets are safe with me,” I say, crossing my hand over my heart.

  “Okay, cuz...I don’t want to get in trouble,” Tillie says, her eyes getting big.

  Just then, Vivienne, Cassie, and Sierra arrive with their arms filled with enough shit for a weekend long camping trip. Women. Where the hell do they think we are going? I can’t help but shake my head and laugh.

  “Hey, Reid, you rushed outta there real quick...Somethin’ wrong?” Cassie asks as they approach the boat. Her face looks innocent enough, but I know that she’s trying to stir shit up.

  “Nope, just ready to get this show on the road,” I say as I begin loading their things into the cubbies beneath the boat seats.

  “Hmmm...okay. I was just askin’ because it seemed...Ow!” she shouts when Vivienne not so discretely kicks her in the shin.