by Sadie Moss
Maybe I should push harder to try to find answers and just accept that it puts me at greater risk of revealing I’m not Roxie. I’ve asked some professors about the Dull World, but most of them don’t seem to want to talk about it. And I’ve hit up the library several times, but I don’t even know where to start looking.
Cross looks at me out of the corner of his eye as we sit on the subway again, our shoulders brushing. “You okay?”
He’s not calling me cupcake. Shit, I must really look down in the dumps.
I nod. “I’m fine. Just…” I rub at my temples. “It’s hard to pick what the worst part of this is, but I think it might be wondering what’s going on back at home. With my family.” A lump forms in my throat, and I have to work hard to swallow it down. “Did I just disappear for them? Are they up there thinking I’m dead or hurt or something? I have a little brother up there. He’s… he’s just a kid. What does he think?”
Cross looks upset, and a bit confused, like for once he doesn’t have a quip or an answer for me. “I’m… that really sucks, Gabbi. I’m sorry.”
I shrug. “It’s not your fault, nothing you need to apologize for.” I sit back. “Do you think—is Roxie there in my place? Just like I’m in hers?”
“I don’t know,” he admits. “I think it’s likely.”
“Why would she want to take my place?”
“Why would you want to take hers?” Cross replies. When I scrunch up my nose in confusion, he explains. “She’s in your world, and she looks like you. She’s going to run into people who know you; it’s probably easiest to pretend to be you until she figures out what’s going on and how this happened. That’s what you’re doing here, right?”
“Yeah,” I murmur thoughtfully, glancing out the window.
“And besides,” he says with a sigh. “Roxie can be a little selfish. It’s why I don’t think you should feel bad about using her money. Because Roxie’s going to have no problem using your life to her advantage.”
I hadn’t thought of that. Of course, I got the feeling that Roxie could be selfish, but… I don’t know. I guess I figured she’d feel the same way I do about being in a stranger’s life: uncomfortable and unsure.
“I’m glad you’re not the same damn pain in the ass she was,” Cross adds. “I actually like you. Shocking, huh?” He gives me a small grin and elbows me.
I know he’s just trying to make me feel better, but it makes me think about how he’s been behaving these last few weeks.
Huh.
We get off the train and walk through the same sketchy section of Valencia to get to the shop. Bartholomew recharges my generator, but the whole time, I keep shooting glances at Cross, trying to figure him out. Does he… like me, like me?
Wow, that sounds so middle school of me.
Maybe it was nothing. He teases me all the time, but I really do think he likes me better than Roxie. So maybe he was just letting me know he’s got my back. Still, there was something about the way he said it…
We exit the shop, the newly charged generator warm as it rests against my chest, and Cross puts his arm around my shoulders. “C’mon, cupcake, you’ve had a hard day. How ’bout we get some takeout, my treat. Kraken kebab?”
I have never had a kraken kabob in my life, seeing as we don’t have krakens in my world, but I nod and let Cross pay and order me a surprisingly delicious seafood kebab.
“Huh,” I mutter around a mouthful of food. “It’s really good. Especially with this dipping sauce.”
“Told you.” He smirks.
He watches me eat like it’s the most entertaining thing in the world, but even under his intense scrutiny, I can’t quite force myself to slow down. This kebab is the best thing I’ve tasted in a while.
When I finish licking the sauce off my fingers, he gives a satisfied nod. “Better?”
“Yeah.” I pat my full belly, smiling sincerely for the first time all day. “Thanks.”
“No problem, cupcake. Can’t have you falling apart on me, now can I?”
We walk back to the train, and he entertains me by telling me bizarre facts about the city, regaling me with stories of growing up in Valencia, and leaning in to whisper the names of the various types of creatures we pass, his shoulder brushing against mine.
His parents died when he was seventeen, and although there’s an echo of pain in his voice, he speaks of them fondly. His stories about his childhood remind me of my own upbringing in Baltimore, except he got into a lot more trouble than I did.
I know he’s telling me all this to try to distract me from my worries, and it actually does help a bit.
In fact, Cross has been really sweet to me all day. Like he can see how close I am to cracking, and he’s trying to give me some glue to hold myself together. He might drive me nuts half the time, but I also trust him. I feel safe with him. I—
Oh, fuck.
Just when I thought this whole thing couldn’t get any more confusing and frustrating… I have to go and start developing feelings for Cross.
I mean, out of everyone, I suppose he’s the one it makes the most sense for me to have a crush on. He knows who I really am, and he’s been helping me out and supporting me this whole time.
But getting involved with anyone right now is such a bad idea. I’ve already screwed up once, with Kasian. I can’t do that again. Especially when Cross’s feelings for Roxie seem to be… complicated, no matter how much he tries to brush it off as just a rivalry between them.
What the hell am I supposed to do with any of this?
At least the generator charm is a little stronger now that it’s fully charged, which means I finally start doing better in my classes. I’m still the weakest, which is, you know, a blast, but at least I’m keeping up again.
Now hopefully I can focus on getting myself the hell out of dodge.
Over the next week, I start visiting the campus library obsessively. The building is massive. It’s got five levels, all of them vast, and it feels like the kind of place where you could easily get lost and never be found.
It’s also not all that well organized, so I spend several more days wandering the stacks without turning up much. But finally, I find a small section on the Dull World.
I grab pretty much every book they’ve got, sit down in my usual spot in the library where Kasian and I meet to study, and start flipping through the pages.
There has to be something on parallel world twins. This sounds like one of those things that’s too important for people not to have researched at some point. And Roxie and I can’t possibly be the only people who’ve ever swapped places before in the history of our worlds. There must’ve been others.
Unless there were others who swapped, and they never managed to get back.
Have there been people from the Dull World trapped here just like me? Living out their days hiding their lack of magic and never getting to see their families again and—
“What do you have there?”
I jump, slamming the book closed and shoving them all away from me, my heart pounding. Kasian stands on the other side of the table, looking at me with a puzzled expression.
My hand flies up to my chest like I’m trying to keep my heart from escaping. “Oh, crap,” I gasp. “You scared me.”
“I’m sorry. It’s just that it’s time for our session.”
I peer down at Roxie’s phone. Oh, shit. Way more time passed while I was reading than I realized.
“Sorry, I lost track of time.” I quickly shove the books into my backpack so that Kasian can’t see them. “I’m ready to go whenever you are.”
He looks at me a bit oddly, like he’s trying to figure me out, but then he sits down and opens up the book he’s been holding. “All right. So, today we’re going to cover…”
We slip into an easy rhythm as we go through the textbook, Kasian explaining how this all pertains to our history class and the subjects we’re going to cover. He quizzes me on historical events and dates, and I give him the p
rofiles I wrote on important historical figures.
I have to admit—the history of this world is really fascinating to me. It’s similar in some ways to my own world’s history, with certain events being almost exactly alike, but it’s also so different.
For instance, dragons were used for centuries in wars, sometimes cooperatively and sometimes enslaved through magic, although the latter has been banned now, apparently.
As we talk, Kasian scoots a little closer to me, pointing things out on the page. He’s so warm and solid, and I want to just lean into him, to leech some of that strength. Our knees press together under the table, and his arm brushes against mine as he shifts a bit.
It’s maddening, in a way, a tease now that I know what it’s like to have him inside me, to have him kissing me—but it’s also just kind of sweet. Relaxing. We’re able to just casually touch, to be in each other’s space, and I haven’t had that with a romantic partner in… well, ever, if I’m being honest.
It feels really amazing. I just want to sink into this moment and never leave.
Although I do also want him to lean over and kiss me. I wouldn’t be opposed to that.
No, Gabbi. Dammit! I silently berate myself. You’re not supposed to want that. You can’t have it.
Kasian still thinks I’m Roxie, and until he knows otherwise, it’s unfair to do anything with him. I’d just be deceiving him.
As if he can sense my thoughts, he pauses in his lecture about the use of magic in politics.
“Hey, Roxie, can I ask you something? I’m sorry, this is a bit off-topic.”
“No, no, go on.”
“I wish I’d asked you this from the beginning,” Kasian admits, giving me a sheepish sort of grin.
Uh oh. Has he figured me out? Is he going to ask me why I’m not like the Roxie he remembers? My skin chills as I wait for him to continue.
For once, the man sitting beside me looks nervous, not his usual stoic self.
“I did this all backward, and I feel bad about that. But I hope I can make it up to you. Instead of just hooking up…” He shakes his head. “My mom raised me better than that, you know? If you’re really interested in someone, you ask them out on a date. You don’t just tear their clothes off in your office. So…”
He takes my hand, and as he does, I realize our hands were already so close together they were practically touching, and that we’re pressed up against one another’s sides.
“Will you go on a date with me?” Kasian asks softly. “Would you like to?”
Chapter 16
Oh, shit.
I feel… well, not blindsided, exactly. I should’ve seen this coming.
Even though I told him we couldn’t hook up again, trying to claim that it would make stuff awkward with the whole tutoring thing and my grades, Kasian’s never fully taken that as the final answer. He hasn’t tried anything, of course, he’s respected my wishes, but I could tell he knew the door wasn’t fully shut and might try again for a relationship.
So it’s not that I didn’t suspect he was still into me and would still try to make another move. It’s just that—why right now? Why at all? I have no idea how I’m supposed to answer.
My alarm must show on my face, because Kasian quickly backtracks a little.
“I’m not going to keep asking you. I don’t want to bug you. And if you say no, then this is the final word on the subject. I won’t say anything more, ever. But you told me you didn’t want to keep hooking up, and I realized—maybe that was part of the problem. That you thought I just wanted to hook up with you, and I don’t.”
He’s still holding my hand, and he gives it a little squeeze, making butterflies take off in my stomach.
“I could be wrong, but I think there’s something between us, and I want to explore it. And I just had to ask you once, or I’d never be able to forgive myself for missing out on something that could be… really incredible. If you say no, I’ll never bring it up again. But I knew I had to try.”
He gives me this smile—it’s hesitant, but also warm, like he’s unsure of my answer but wants me to feel reassured either way.
It’s so sweet. Goddammit, why is he so sweet? It’s unfair.
I want to say yes—in fact, I’m shocked by how much I want to say yes. Kasian is the kind of guy I always dreamed of meeting and dating, someone who’s compassionate and thoughtful and educated, someone who can ground me, someone who’s just a pillar of strength and…
And I can’t have him.
Or—can I?
I suddenly remember what Cross said, about how if Roxie’s up in the Dull World, she’s probably running amok in my life, not caring about how it affects me or my family and friends. How Roxie is selfish, and wouldn’t give a second thought to how she might be wrecking my life.
Well, if Roxie’s up there doing all of that, then why can’t I go out on a date with someone I really care about? Someone I genuinely want to be with? I’m not doing this to sabotage Roxie, and I’m not doing this without thinking. But if I am stuck here, and God knows how long this’ll last, can’t I do at least one thing to enjoy myself instead of fretting over maintaining my Roxie cover twenty-four seven?
“Yes,” I tell him.
Kasian stares at me, and I realize he didn’t think I’d say that. He was going out on a limb here, expecting me to say no but needing to try anyway.
I admire that. The ability to do something even if you know—or think—that you’ll fail.
“Yes?” he repeats.
I nod, smiling in spite of myself. “Yes.”
I know this is stupid. There’s no “maybe” or “probably” in here—it’s definitely stupid. But…
He hasn’t figured out by now that I’m not Roxie. If he had, he would’ve said something. Kasian doesn’t strike me as the kind of guy who’d take a girl out on a date just to yell gotcha and use the date to tell her he knew she was an imposter. That sounds like something Cross would do, or possibly even Theo, but not Kasian. He’s a straight shooter and not a prankster that way. With Kasian, what you see is what you get.
And if he hasn’t figured out that I’m not Roxie, then clearly he thinks he’s getting to know the “real” Roxie right now. The one underneath all her bluster and attitude. He’s getting to know me, Gabbi, and even though he might think this is who Roxie really was all along… it means that he likes me for me, for who I am, not for who Roxie is or was.
And that’s really doing something to me.
Kasian leans in, brushing our lips together. “Good,” he whispers, and then he kisses me properly, softly, making my heart flutter—before he pulls away and goes right back to studying like nothing happened.
Okay, so maybe he’s a little bit of a tease too.
I touch my fingers to my lips, where I can still taste him. Still feel him. They tingle a little, like he did some kind of spell on me, but I know he didn’t. It’s just him.
Dammit, I am in so deep. None of this is going according to plan.
And yet… I’m kind of happy with that. I’m happy with Kasian.
I do my best to focus back on my studying, but I can’t help smiling as I think about our date.
Kasian picks me up from my dorm at seven o’clock on Saturday and takes me off campus.
I’m not sure what he has planned, but I figure we’ll go to a movie or a local café or something, maybe go on a walk through the park. He seems like the kind of person who would appreciate something a little outdoorsy, a little out of the ordinary, maybe attending a free play in the park, or stargazing, or a trip to a bookstore.
But instead, he takes me to an upscale restaurant.
“I feel underdressed,” I admit as Kasian takes my coat off and we’re led to our table.
“You look perfect,” he assures me.
This isn’t the absolute fanciest place in town—that is to say, I’m not going to turn my head and be face-to-face with the movie stars of this world, or whatever—but it’s elegant and cozy, and there are
candles on our table, and it’s so much more than I expected.
It’s incredibly thoughtful.
“You really didn’t have to go all out for me,” I tell him. “I would’ve been okay with a picnic or going to a movie.”
“Huh. I would’ve thought your idea of a date was out on the town—bar hopping, going to a concert?”
I shrug. “Not really. I mean, I have fun when I do those things with my friends. But if it’s up to me, that’s not usually what I’d choose, especially for a… a romantic, um, evening.”
Kasian shakes his head at me, smiling softly. “You know, you’re nothing like I thought you would be when I first met you. Or even when I first slept with you.”
“Is that a good thing?” I ask, my breath catching in my throat. I can feel my heartbeat in my ears.
“It’s definitely a good thing.” He pulls an amused face. “No offense, but when I first met you, I thought you were attractive in a bad girl, dangerous kind of way. Now I see there’s a lot more to you than I thought, and I’m sorry I put that label on you.”
“Well, there’s nothing wrong with dangerous bad girls.”
“No.” His smile makes my insides melt. “And I like that you have passion. I can see it in you. But I guess I just assumed you wouldn’t ever want to be serious.”
“Ah. And you’re a very serious person.”
“Was it the suits and the TA position that gave me away?” Kasian jokes. Then he nods, looking a little abashed. “Yeah, I know. I’ve got a very… quiet sense of humor, I guess. I know my parents always worried about me since I was so quiet. I think they thought I was shy, but it’s not so much that. I just like to keep my circle small.”
“I don’t see anything wrong with that.” I smile at the server as she comes to bring us bread and water. “I’m not as good with people as I act. I feel like I’m wearing a mask a lot of the time.”
That wasn’t necessarily true back home, but here? It definitely is.