by Amber Lacie
How dare she bring him into this! Daniel was everything that was good, and he is gone. “Fuck you! I’m out of here.”
“Good luck. Why don’t you call your precious Ben to pick you up? I’m sure he’s sober enough to come get you. It’s still daylight.”
Grabbing my bag from the backseat, I jumped out of her car, slamming the door behind me. She was quick to judge me. She didn’t know how it felt to be reminded every time I looked in a mirror how alone I really was. No one did. I watched as she drove off before I called Ben.
“Gemini.” Even though his nickname for me was different, I loved it just the same.
“Ben––my dad kicked me out and now Andrea left me. I’m in some random lot and I––I need you.” Tears streamed down my face as my stomach began to roll. Ben and I had been together for a few months and I was putting all my faith in him to come save me.
“Baby, stop crying. Who am I fucking up? Your old man, or your friend?”
“No one. Please––just come get me. I need you.”
“Fuck me. I know you’re hurting, but I love that you need me. Where are you?”
Spinning around, I looked for a familiar building. I wasn’t paying attention to where Andrea was driving, and I realized we were already headed back to her place when she pulled over. “You know that grocery store that closed over by the Polish deli?”
“Yeah––is that where you are?”
“Yeah. I can see it from here.”
“Okay. I’m coming for you. Go in the deli. There’s a girl named Brooke that works there. Tell her Ben is coming to pick you up and he wants you to eat. She’ll make you something until I get there.”
“Okay.” I didn’t question how he knew someone at the deli. It didn’t even bother me that it was a girl. I slid my phone back into my pocket and headed towards the deli.
Once I was inside, I dropped my bag into one of the booths and walked up to counter, where a girl with short blonde hair was leaning against it. She certainly didn’t seem very happy to be there. “Brooke?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“Um, Ben told me to wait for him here. He said he wants me to eat.”
Nodding her head, she grabbed a bag of chips off the counter behind her and handed me a bottle of water. “How do you know Ben?”
“He’s kind of my boyfriend.”
Wiping her hands off on the apron tied around her waist she clenched her jaw. “I hear he’s getting deeper because of you. He’s trying to impress you.”
“I didn’t ask him to.”
“Yeah, well––he’s done it anyway. Can I make a suggestion to you?”
Opening the bottle of water, I took a big gulp. “Sure.”
“Stay away from my brother. He’s only going to screw you over in the long run. You’re pretty––get out before he hurts you.”
The bell above the entrance chimed behind me. Strong arms wrapped around my waist as I turned to face Ben, who was resting his head on my shoulder. “Brooke.”
“Ben.”
“Thanks for feeding my girl.”
“That’s my last favor. I won’t help you again. I suggest you leave before they come looking for you again.”
Ben didn’t say a word to his sister; he just grabbed my bag, slung it over his shoulder, and held the door open for me. I slipped into the leather seat of his Camaro and waited for him to get in the car before I said anything.
“That was your sister?”
“Yep.” Clenching his jaw, he started the car and we headed toward his apartment.
“Babe, should I be worried?”
“About?”
“Your sister said someone was coming for you. Who is looking for you?”
Placing his hand on my thigh, he ignored my question as his fingers traced the seam of my jeans toward the center, where it met with the others. His fingers pushed down a little harder and I found myself grinding against him. He was distracting me… and it was working.
The stress of the day hit me as I stepped into Ben’s apartment. I fell onto the couch, tucking a throw pillow under my head as he stepped into the large bedroom to set down my bag. Ben might have been making horrible choices, but he was a good person––or at least, he was to me. I didn’t see the problem with what he was doing. I was happy and so was he. He wasn’t hurting anyone, intentionally. He was just doing what he knew best.
“You look so tired. Take a nap and I’ll make you dinner.”
“Thank you.”
“For?”
“Coming to get me.”
Leaning down he placed a kiss on the top of my head before flashing me his one dimple. “You’re mine. I take care of what’s mine.”
“Ben, what does that mean? You always say I’m yours. What am I to you?”
Sighing, he ran his palm along the skin of his scalp. I loved the way he looked with his shaved head. His soft beard was also growing on me. Every time I looked at him, I felt something deeper for him. Love? I’m not sure if it was love, or if it was starting to grow into love. Either way, I was okay with it.
His bright green eyes met mine as he smiled, “You’re everything. I’m not a good man. I do horrible things. I have people do horrible things. I know you know this, but I also know you don’t question it. Please don’t question what we are. Just accept that I love you. There’s a chance one day I’m going to go away. Not because I want to, but because it’s bound to happen.”
“Why would you say that? Is it because of what Brooke said?”
“No, she’s just being an older sister and trying to put me on the right track. Don’t worry, okay. Forget I said anything. Let me feed you.” Ben walked away, leaving me on the couch in a stunned silence. He does horrible things? He has people do horrible things? I had ignored everything around me for so long, I didn’t realize how deep he was into everything.
It all made sense now. Andrea was right. I was in love with a drug dealer, and not just any dealer, a powerful one. Looking back, I could see how much control he had over everyone he came into contact with. They bowed to him. I was so focused on escaping everything, I had become blind to reality all together.
The smell of whatever he was cooking me for breakfast wafted into the living room, and my mouth began to water. At first, I thought it was because the food smelled so good and then I realized I was going to be sick. Jumping off the couch I ran to the bathroom and emptied the contents of my stomach. I could hear him walk up behind me, but I couldn’t talk.
I spent the next hour in the bathroom. I was certain it was the stress of everything and the realization of the actual danger I was putting myself in. Did I want out? The thought kept bouncing in my mind like a rubber ball, and each time I came up with a resounding ‘no.’ I wanted Ben. It didn’t matter what could possibly go wrong. I wanted him, and I was staying.
Ben, being the incredibly sweet man, I knew him to be, eventually lifted me off the floor and carried me to the bedroom. Once he had helped me change into one of his t-shirts, he tucked me in beside him. His fingers traced my skin as I lay there. He didn’t say anything, but I could tell he looked worried. His jaw clenched a couple of times and I buried myself against his broad chest. The heat of his skin and the strong smell of his soap calmed me just a little. I needed to rationalize all of it. Maybe he could stop. Maybe he could get out and we would be okay.
“I’m kind of lost in thought over here.”
“I know.”
“Are you sick?”
“I hope not. I think it’s just stress. Like maybe it all hit me at once.” The sound of his heart beating in my ear didn’t comfort me like August’s used to. August. Why was I thinking of him while in the arms of another man?
“Do you think you could eat now?”
Just the thought of food had my mouth filling with warm spit. My stomach turned, and shook my head no. I was afraid if I spoke I wouldn’t be able to control the urge to vomit anymore. His fingers slid under my shirt and traced the outline of my belly button. His touch had my skin blis
tering from the heat of his body and my heart was pounding in my chest. Mentally, I began to count back days. The days turned into weeks, and then I realized over a month had passed since my last period.
Fuck. Me.
I lay nervously beside him, wrapped in his strong arms as I tried to absorb the reality of my thoughts. I hadn’t felt sick before this morning. It had to be stress. I was praying for it to be stress.
“You can’t eat… you’re not sick. Tell me why my stomach is sinking.”
Shaking my head, ‘no’ once again, I pressed myself further against his body. It didn’t give me any relief. I was too scared to feel any ease.
“Should we take a test?”
A few tears streamed down my cheeks. I was pregnant. I knew it. A test from the drug store wouldn’t help. If anything, it would have only confirmed the truth. A piece of Ben was living inside of me.
“Hey, it’s okay. Baby, don’t cry. We’ll figure this out, okay.”
“I don’t…I don’t think—” I tried to compose my words, but broken cries came out instead.
“Ssh. Take a breath, I can’t understand you when you cry like that.”
“I don’t need a test. I know it, I just know. I counted back the days, Ben. I’m late.”
“How late?”
“Almost two months.”
His fingers stopped briefly before he started gently tracing the contours of my skin again. “Okay. Okay. I got this. Don’t move.”
I curled into a ball as I felt his body leave me. I didn’t feel completely safe with him, but I felt safer with him than I did alone. I wondered, as I heard Ben moving around the apartment, if August would have left me alone. Would he have left me to cry to by myself? Would I have cried if it had been August instead of Ben who had gotten me pregnant?
I hated the thoughts that attacked my mind. August was gone. I had made him leave. Ben was here, and I had done it to myself. I was pregnant because I was too reckless enjoying the ride to give a shit about anything else.
My nerves eased a bit when Ben walked back into the room. He will fix everything. “Alright, Gemini. Jim is on his way over with some tests for you to take. I think we both know the answer, but humor me, okay?”
“Okay.”
Ben slipped back under the covers with me, and his fingers instantly went back to tracing the skin along my stomach. He didn’t seem angry or scared, as I thought he should be. We laid there in each other’s arms until there was a knock on his door. He left me for a just second before he walked back in the room carrying a white plastic shopping bag in his hands.
“There are four tests. Is that enough?”
“One would do.”
“Can you take all four––just in case?”
“Yeah.” Sitting up, I grabbed the bag from him and walked out into the living room, towards the bathroom. To my surprise Jim was sitting on the couch.
“Hey, mommy. You feel sick?”
Rolling my eyes, I kept walking.
“Asshole, keep your mouth shut. What the fuck did I tell you?” Ben’s voice was low and full of anger. Was he angry with Jim or me?
“Sorry.” I barely heard Jim’s voice as I closed the bathroom door behind me. I pulled all four tests out of the bag and laid them across the double sink. Once I was set up, I made myself comfortable and peed on each test hoping at least one would be negative.
I washed my hands and walked back out into the living room. Ben was holding a blanket in his hands and he motioned for me to sit on the couch. “You’re not covered. You’re just for my eyes.” Jim jumped up when he realized I was only in a thin t-shirt and walked over to a chair. Taking the blanket from Ben, I wrapped myself up and laid on the couch. My stomach rolled. Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Never in my life has sixty seconds lasted so long.
The alarm on Ben’s phone went off, and I watched him as he slowly walked into the bathroom. He seemed to stay in there forever. Finally, he stood in the doorway looking at me. His eyes went from bright to a dark intense green.
“Jim. Out.”
Nodding his head, Jim jumped up from his chair, patted his friend on the back and walked out. Nervously, I looked towards Ben. He looked so strained. The emotions rolling off him were all over the place. I didn’t know what to expect.
“Am I?”
“Yeah. All four of them say yes.”
Tears busted forth from the dam I was trying to hold back. What the hell am I going to do? Ben walked towards me, lifted me from the couch, and carried me back to the bedroom as I cried in his arms. I didn’t know what he was feeling, but I knew he was going to take care of me.
Sitting down on the bed he held me in his lap. “Who do you belong to?”
“You.” Sniffling, I curled myself around his body. I couldn’t get close enough.
“Damn straight. This is mine, too.” His fingers brushed against the skin of stomach and another tear ran down my cheek. “I take care of what’s mine. We’re going to need a bigger place. Tell you what, tomorrow we can start looking, okay?”
“Okay.”
“I love you.” His words washed over me as I fell asleep against him. My only thoughts were if I loved him as much as he loved me and if I would be a good mom. I didn’t have the best role model, and I prayed I would be better than her.
Ben was adamant that I have the best doctor money could buy. At first, I was reluctant to go to any doctor. I didn’t know how we could afford it. He had always had a way of acquiring money illegally, but when I found I was pregnant, he became determined to change. I had no idea how wealthy his family was until the night he took me to meet his parents. He hadn’t talked to them in over a year, and there he was, with a pregnant girlfriend on their steps.
I honestly thought they would have rejected me, but they welcomed us in with open arms. They had even loaned us money to help us get everything set up for the baby. Ben had started filling out different job applications and had one job already lined up. It was with someone who owed him a favor, but he promised me he wasn’t giving them anything. He was done with it all.
Just the thought of him had me clenching my legs together as I walked around the store. When I was with him he was either touching me or in me. We couldn’t get enough of each other. I had an itch and he was the only thing that scratched it. He made me feel beautiful. Every night I would fall asleep in his arms with his fingers tracing my growing belly. He loved me.
The smell of baby lotion filled my nostrils, distracting me from the thoughts of Ben and the life we used to live. Andrea was still mad at me, but she had forgiven me enough to help me start shopping for the baby. It took a lot of begging on my part, but she was finally back in my life, where she should have been the whole time. I hated myself for pushing her away. The past was the past and I couldn’t change it. All that mattered was that she and I had moved past my idiocy. I still think it was because she was excited about the baby, but she swears that wasn’t the case.
My hand draped over my belly as I paced up and down the aisle. I was past the point of being able to find out what we were having, but Ben insisted on it being a surprise.
“What color did you say you picked out? I forgot.”
“Yellow. I want everything to be happy when he comes.” Resting my hand on the roundness of my stomach, I look over at Andrea who was holding up a stuffed baby giraffe. “That’s adorable.”
“I thought you didn’t know what you were having.”
“I don’t.”
“Then, why call it a him?”
“I don’t know. I just do. He’s calm and only kicks hard when I smell food. That must be a guy thing. Ben gets the same way when he’s hungry.”
“Ben kicks you when he wants to eat?”
Tossing the stack of washcloths, I was holding at Andrea, I shook my head. “God, you’re such a brat. No, Ben gets crabby when he’s hungry.”
“Gotcha. So, what are we thinking? Giraffes are cute.”
“I love them. Let’s do giraffes.”
/>
Walking around the store we filled two carts full of diapers, creams, bath sets, clothes, and a cute giraffe bedding set. I was happy. The baby growing inside of me was giving me hope for a future I could look forward to.
My phone buzzed in my purse while we were checking out, but I ignored it. Whoever was calling me could wait until I was done with my purchase. Andrea pushed both carts out to her car, and we filled her trunk and the backseat with baby supplies. Looking at everything, the thought of having over done it crossed my mind, but I tossed it out. Ben was insistent that I get everything I thought we needed. I had more than enough cash for it. That should have caught my attention, but it didn’t.
My phone began to buzz again. Rolling my eyes at Andrea I answered it, “Hey babe, I’m just doing what you said.”
“Arlo––it’s Jim.”
The ground beneath me began to sway and my purse slipped from my hands as I clung to my phone. “Jim, where’s Ben?”
“Arlington, I’m sorry.”
No. No. No. I can’t do this. I can’t lose someone again. “Why are you sorry, Jim? Why? What’s going on?” The pitch of my voice went higher with every question.
“Where are you at? I’ll come get you.”
The phone dropped from my hand as I turned to Andrea. “Something happened to Ben.”
“What happened? Arlo, answer me, what happened?”
I couldn’t answer her. My friend was yelling at me and I all I could do was fall onto the ground against the car, wrapping my hands around my stomach. Andrea ran towards me, picking my phone up from the ground.
“It’s Andrea. Why the fuck is my friend lying on the ground like someone died? Jesus… When was this… How much… Jesus fucking Christ… His parents… Fuck… Yeah… Okay. No, I got her.”
I couldn’t understand what was being said on the other line, but whatever it was, it was bad. I knew at that moment I would be raising our baby on my own. The future I thought I was going to have was gone. Andrea hung up the phone and helped me up from the ground. Opening the car door, she slid me into the passenger seat. It softly clicked into place and she walked slowly around the car, avoiding my gaze.