by Amber Lacie
“Thank you, and you know the deal––just clean up after yourself.”
“Right, and you understand that I won’t do any of that.” She wasn’t lying. She was the worst houseguest anyone could have. There was a constant stream of dirty dishes lying around the apartment whenever she stayed with me. As much as I complained to her about it, I didn’t mind. I loved having her there with Jack and me. It was like our own little family, and everything was as it should be.
The last time I was on a date, or anything remotely close to a date was four years ago, when I left August at the hotel. Maybe dating wasn’t in the cards for me. I was almost certain the man sitting across from me was thinking the same thing. Hank was clinking his fork against the glass of water sweating in front of him. The caustic tempo bit at my nerves. Even though we had been talking for months, it was a rather awkward first date. He was kind, respectful, said all the right things at the right times, but I just couldn’t picture myself with him. His brown hair was perfectly parted. It was smoothed down without one hair sticking out of place. The blue tie he was wearing blended perfectly with his gray suit jacket. Everything was so cookie cutter and perfectly placed in his life. I didn’t see me, or Jack fitting in. There was no place for broken puzzle pieces, or mismatched socks.
“This isn’t going to work, is it?” A sigh left his lips, as he took another bite of his salad. It was after eight and we were dining in a restaurant known for their steak. Juicy bites of a porterhouse were sliding down my throat, while he was eating a salad. Even his dinner choice seemed to counter mine. He took another bite as he watched me from across the table.
“Hank, I like you, I really do. You’re sweet and kind. You deserve someone who wants a white picket fence with a perfectly kept yard. Maybe you’ll get a dog and every day you can walk it together, while discussing your perfect lives. I just know that I’m not that person. Nothing about me is perfect.” The napkin on the edge of the table had a curled-up corner, so I tried to straighten it as I waited for his response. I’m sure what I said wasn’t easy to hear, but it needed to end.
“Well, this is a first for me.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t ever think I’ve had a break-up on a first date before. What changed since last night? We talked for over an hour on the phone. You seemed ready this time.”
I sighed, looked out the window, and sighed again. I did everything I could not to answer him. Nothing I could have said would’ve comforted him.
“So that’s it––one date after five months of us circling around one another and you’re calling it quits?”
A quitter. That’s what I was. I quit August, I quit Ben, and before August could hurt me, I quit him again. “I just don’t see how I can fit into your life.”
“You don’t see it because you won’t give ‘us’ a try.”
“And what about Jack? Would he fit?”
Hank stared at me across the table. I knew the answer already. He would ‘try’. I didn’t want someone who would ‘try’ to make it work. I wanted someone I knew it would work with, someone who would accept Jack with open arms, someone who wouldn’t hesitate to love the both of us, and Hank wasn’t that person.
His fingers ran over the square of his jaw as he contemplated my question. “I think we could try and see where this goes. Maybe we can make it work.”
I knew it. There it was, standing in front of me, blinking like a neon flashing sign. Try. It wasn’t something I was willing to do. “I’m worth more than a try. Jack is worth so much more. I can’t start a relationship where I’m not sure he fits. It’s not fair to him, to me, or to you. Everyone loses. I’m sorry, Hank. You’re a good guy, but we just don’t match.”
“Right, well, I’m pretty much done here. I’ve lost my appetite. I guess I’ll see you around.” He tossed a twenty on the table and walked away without looking back. Maybe he wasn’t as nice as I had thought. My finger flipped open the little black book the waiter had brought over prior to our complete melt down of a date. Our check was just over eighty dollars, and his three glasses of wine had added a hefty price to our bill. The twenty he tossed on the table wouldn’t make much of a dent.
I tried to convince myself that I wasn’t angry, and it was what I deserved after canceling and rescheduling our date so many times. It didn’t work. I signed my name across the dotted line, dropped my card back into my wallet, and stood outside to call a cab. If I was lucky, I would be home in fifteen minutes, which meant within twenty minutes I would be cuddled up next to Jack watching Teen Titans Go for the hundredth time.
The keys clinked against the door as I pushed it open. The only lights on were the two above the sink, and one in my bedroom. I grabbed my keys, kicked the door shut, and traveled down the hallway to my room. The door was cracked just enough for me to peak in without either of them seeing me. Andrea was sitting on my bed with her legs crossed, holding a flashlight up towards her face as Jack watched her, completely lost in her story.
“And every night he walks the tracks looking for it. All you can hear is the hoarse sound of a moan, ‘Where’s my arm? Where’s my arm? Sometimes, if you listen close enough, you can hear him whisper, ‘Boo!’”
Poor Jack jumped at the sound of the loud ‘boo’ Andrea had yelled. He threw a pillow at her and yelled, “Ah! Shit!”
“Jack!” Both Andrea and I called out his name in unison. He immediately covered his mouth, while sheepishly shrugging his shoulders.
“Mom, you’re home.”
“I am. It seems I’m just in time to catch the end of the story.”
“I didn’t mean to say it. Honest. It was just that Aunt Andrea made me.”
Andrea tossed the pillow back at him. “I did no such thing. All I did was tell you a story. Don’t blame me because you cursed. That’s bullshit.”
“Do you even hear yourself? No wonder he said that. What else do you do in front of him when I’m not around?”
“Calm down, mother dearest. My language is just as bad as yours. So, you can just eff right off lady.” Andrea flipped me the bird as she grabbed her sweater off my desk and tucked it in the corner.
“Oooh. You’re going to get in trouble. I know what the eff word means, ya know. I would say it, but then I’d get in huge trouble. You can’t tell my mom to do that. She’s in charge, and I’m not staying in here to listen to her get mad at you.” Jack hopped down from the bed and ran past me, down the hallway. As I stepped into my room, I could hear the sound of the Robin’s voice from Teen Titan’s Go.
“Am I in trouble now too, mom?”
“Shut up. You’re an idiot.” Stripes or polka dots? Those were my choices as I dug through my drawer looking for a comfortable pair of pajamas.
“Are we going to talk about why you’re home so early? Should I sit back down, or grab wine? Wait, I am an idiot. Hold on.” Andrea bolted for the room down the hallway. I used the few seconds I had to myself to strip my clothes and slip into the striped short set I picked out.
By the time she got back to the room with a glass of wine in each hand, I was already sitting on the edge of the bed with a pillow in my lap.
“Crap. You’re holding onto your pillow again. Was it that bad?” She handed me one of the glasses and I took two rather large gulps.
“No. I was the one who called it. He’s too perfect. Everything is in its place and nothing is out of line. That’s not the life a kid should be forced into. Messes and broken things…they need room to make mistakes, you know?”
The wine in my glass sloshed as she plopped down next to me. “Did you tell him that?”
“Yeah. All he could come up with is how he could try to make it work. Try. I don’t want a try. Jack deserves more than that. Besides, he wasn’t as perfect as I thought. He tossed a twenty at me and stuck me with the rest of the bill after I told him I didn’t see us going anywhere.”
“Are you serious? That’s a dick move, babe. You’re better off. Can we get back to the part about messes
and broken things?”
“What about it?”
“Honey, you’re not a mess and you aren’t broken?”
“No? I feel that way. I had a brother who was an addict, who no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t save, and he overdosed. Then there’s Lilly, who by the way, is currently on her seventh husband. Seventh? Who does that? I’ll tell you who does that. A good for nothing, whoring mother, who was only good at being an incubator. Then there’s my dad, who still refuses to talk about what happened with Daniel. It’s been nine years, Andrea. Nine years, and he can’t even say his name. If it weren’t for Jack, I doubt he would have ever given me the time of day.”
I took a breath and wiped an angry tear from the corner of my eyes. “Then there’s the hot mess I like to call myself. I’m single. My ex is in prison because he wouldn’t rat anyone out. I know he’s still got people watching me. I know I’ve seen Jim around once or twice over the years. It’s like Ben doesn’t trust me. I’m not the fucking drug dealer. I’m not the one who put his family in danger. He did that shit. Now, I’m the one raising our son on my own. That right there is a reason for me to never date again. Fucking baggage. That’s all I’m good for.”
Big eyes stared back at me. “Wow. Um, that was a lot. How long have you been holding that in?”
“For a while.”
“I can tell. I have a few quick comments I’d like to make on all of that.”
I flipped the pillow over in my lap as I took another sip of my wine. “Just say it.”
“First of all, you know we don’t speak of the she-devil. You’re not Lilly. No one is. She’s obviously in cahoots with the devil. Don’t compare yourself to her. I know you miss Daniel, sweetie. I can’t fix that. I think your dad refuses to come to terms with it because it would be like admitting his own guilt, ya know?”
“I know. It doesn’t make me feel better, though.”
“I’m not saying it will. Can we fast forward to the part about Ben having people watch you? What the fuck, Arls?”
“I don’t know for sure, but I swear I’ve seen Jim. Someone will be standing on a corner and when I look up, I swear it’s him. Everything about them screams Jim. One time, I thought I even saw that cross he has tattooed on the side of his neck. I’ll close my eyes, look back, and then they’re gone. I’m not losing my mind.”
“Only one way to find out for sure.”
My head began to shake violently as I processed her words. “No. Nope. Not happening. I’m not going to see him. I don’t want him in our lives. He promised me he would let me go. If I go to him, that’s just letting him back in our lives again. I’m not putting Jack in that kind of danger.”
“Okay. Okay. It was a bad idea. I won’t mention it again. You’re too stressed out. You need something to focus on, besides Jack.”
“But he’s my everything.”
“Arls, I know that, but honey, you need to focus on yourself, too. So, maybe dating isn’t your thing. We just need to find you something that is.”
My eyes flicked up towards the mirror above my dresser. Long, soft ringlets curled against my shoulders, trickling down my back. Brown eyes looked back at me, and for a second, I thought it was Daniel. I would give anything to have just one more day with him––a day where we could just talk about everything and anything. Just hearing his voice would be a moment I would treasure for eternity. My thing. The whole time it had been staring back at me and I never noticed. Daniel was my thing. The thought of being able to help others who had gone through what I did, started spiraling in my head. It was like I tipped the first domino and they just kept falling into one another.
“What if I could help someone? Maybe someone who lost someone close to them to an overdose? Can I do that? How do I that?”
“That’s not where I saw this going. Um, I have no clue, but it’s a great idea. What about your boss? Doesn’t she donate to a different cause every year? You guys are always passing out sweaters and ribbons every year at Christmas. What if this year, you guys raise money for drug prevention or something?”
Suddenly the air in the room grew lighter and I felt a peace I hadn’t experienced in years, maybe even in my life. “That’s a good idea. I bet she could help me figure it out.” I grabbed Andrea’s face in my hands and kissed her forehead. “I love you! You’re brilliant. This is why we are friends.”
“Because I’m smart and caring? Oh, and don’t forget, I’m also extremely helpful.”
“Nope. It’s because I forget I’m those things until I’m with you.”
“So, I bring the best out in you?”
“No––you, as a person, suck. It’s your brain that I like.” I bumped her shoulder with mine, and she graced me with her middle finger.
“You’re such a bitch sometimes. Why are we friends? How did you rope me into your life?”
“It was magic.”
“False hopes and lies, is what it was. You’re lucky that kid of yours is one of my favorite people, otherwise I would be out of here.”
The voices from the living room caught my attention once again. Jack was still watching television. My original plan of cuddling with him had been sidetracked, while I tried to figure out what I was doing wrong with my life. I grabbed a blanket off the end of the bed and headed toward the living room with Andrea in tow. She gave us a quick wave goodbye as I snuggled up with Jack on the couch.
“Mom, I like it when you are home.”
“Me too, sweetie.” And just like that, we were back to watching Starfire and Robin battle an evil robot set on destroying the world. Even though I was way too old to be watching cartoons, I felt emotionally invested at that point. Jack had watched so many episodes, I felt connected to the characters. No matter what show we started watching, we would always end up going back to that one, even if that meant watching old episodes on the DVR. Maybe it was ‘our thing.’
It was Monday afternoon and I was spinning awkwardly in the chair at my desk. It was new and went faster than my last one. Technically, I was an adult, but it felt so good to act like a child. My chair slowly stopped spinning and the room began to still. Damn it. Todd was still spinning.
“Yes! That makes us what, twenty-seven to thirteen now? Why do you even try?”
“Shut up. Maybe it’s the chair.”
“Don’t blame the chair for your failures, Arlington.”
“Whatever, Todd. Tomorrow, same time?”
“You got a deal, Princess.”
I rolled my eyes at his remark. Ever since Christina gave me a spot on the board, the other girls in the office called me princess. Supposedly, Christina was the queen and I was the spoiled princess. It’s not my fault that they refused to work as hard as I did. I gave everything I could to make sure Jack had a fair chance at life. Working my ass off was one of many things I did to make sure I didn’t fail him.
“Why do you keep scratching your finger?”
“Um, I don’t know. Nervous tick, maybe?”
Todd pushed his chair across the hall and back into his office. It only took him a second before he was leaning against my office door. “This tick––is it a guy?”
“What? No. There’s no guy. There never is and I doubt there ever will be.”
“I heard Angie calling you ice princess in the break room earlier. Rumor has it you turned down her cousin.”
“How was I supposed to know Hank was her cousin? Neither of them said anything to me about it. Besides, the dick left me with the check. I think I dodged a bullet on that one.”
His fingers picked at his sweater as if there was imaginary lint on it. “Then what it is?”
“I have a meeting with Christina in twenty minutes. What if I fuck it up? What if I can’t explain it right?”
“She adores you––probably a little too much, to be honest. Maybe the girls are right. Maybe you did your magic spell on her, or perhaps blackmail.” He waved his fingers in the air as if he was spooked. He was such a smartass.
“Shut up. I did
no such thing. It’s just that I have an idea for a new non-profit, and I was hoping she would back me.”
“Oh? What’s it for?”
“The focus would be on the people left behind by drug overdose. Not just those who committed the acts, but the family and friends who are left behind, hurt and confused.”
Todd stood there, staring at me, while I traced the music note tattooed on the inside of my finger. I don’t know exactly when it started, but it seems I’d had the tick longer than I thought. He cleared his throat as he perched himself on the edge of my desk. “That’s kind of cool. I didn’t realize you had a tattoo there. I thought you were just some lunatic with a finger fascination.”
“Seriously?”
“I can’t explain how my brain works. If it makes you feel any better, I like it. It’s simple and classy––just like you.”
“Thanks…I think.” Simple and classy. Was it an insult, or an opinion? I wasn’t sure. “I’m just really nervous she won’t think so, or that the rest of the board will turn me down.”
“What’s the reasoning behind your idea?”
“You mean, like, why I want to do this?”
“Yeah.”
The light blue walls blurred around me as my eyes rimmed with tears that I thought I had run out of. “Daniel was my twin brother. He was beautiful and perfect. His mind was like magic. Creativity and intelligence just poured from him. When we were little, I was jealous of how quickly he was able to adapt to things, but as I grew older, I realized he wasn’t adapting. He started to push back against the world. We both made bad decisions. He chose drugs and I chose someone else to spend my time with. He couldn’t handle it. His mind was so tortured and dark, the only relief he could find was in the needle he stuck in his arm. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t save him from himself.”