by Amber Lacie
The weight of it all seemed crushing, so I rolled my shoulders to get some relief. It didn’t come. Todd was sitting, frozen on my desk. Maybe it was too much to take in all at once. “Todd, I’m—”
“Stop. Don’t say anything. You will completely ruin this moment. Here, I thought you were some heartless work demon and yet, you have a soul. We always knew you loved Jack, but that’s a mother’s love. That’s different. I should send out a memo to the girls. You aren’t a cold bitch. You’re just hurt.”
“I pray that is sarcasm I hear falling from your lips.” I swiped at his leg, but he moved too quickly for me to hit him.
“You’ll never know. Now, I’m going to have to come up with a brilliant pitch for the idea. Heartless cold bitch turns out to be loving sister. Ice princess melts into a puddle of love. What do you think?”
“I think you’re an asshole and those sound more like news headlines.”
He shrugged his shoulders as he let out a chuckle, “Either way.”
“Maybe this is a bad idea.”
“Oh, come on. You know I’m just giving you a hard time. I think it’s brilliant. I lost a few friends to drugs when I was on the streets. It wasn’t easy to deal with. None of us spoke about it…but this is a good idea. You don’t have those often, so go with it.”
“Fuck you. Get out of my office. Shouldn’t you be running errands for your boss?”
I tossed a piece of crinkled paper at him as he laughed his way out of my office. My finger ran along the note and I took a deep breath before heading to the boardroom. I was going to kick ass.
The meeting went by in a blur. I completely blacked out what I had said when I was in front of everyone. I vaguely remember talking to them, mentioning Daniel, and handing out some pamphlets, but that’s it. I have no clue what I had said. It was like I mentally checked out, but my body still knew what to do. It was weird.
I took my seat at the table across from Christina. She didn’t say a word. Instead, she grasped my hand in hers and mouthed, ‘I love your face.’ What did that even mean? She cleared her throat, and everyone left, talking quietly amongst themselves. The smiles and cheerful faces that walked in the room forty minutes ago were quiet and reserved. I had officially made a Monday at the office a Monday.
Christina sat quietly across from me smiling gently. “This is by far the best idea you’ve ever had. I have one question, though?”
I swallowed nervously. “Yeah?”
“How long have you been hurting, and why on God’s green Earth didn’t you say something sooner?”
“My brother died a little over nine years ago. I didn’t say anything because it wasn’t something I could easily bring up. What was I supposed to do? Walk up to you like, ‘Oh, hey. How are you? By the way my brother died from a drug overdose and I still haven’t dealt with it yet. Coffee?’”
She scrunched up her face. “I could see where that would be difficult to talk about. I still would’ve listened, though. How do you want to go about this? We could give to a current charity or we could start a new one. Maybe name it after your brother? Would that help?”
“I have no clue where to start. It’s just an idea I had.”
“Well, Arlington, it’s a good one. That’s for sure. Let me work on this and I’ll get back to you with some options. I think we are done here for today anyway.”
I left the office knowing I was going to make a difference. I wasn’t sure how, but the fact that I had Christina backing me, ignited a little bit of excitement in my belly. The cab ride back to my apartment was short, and I soon found myself standing in front of the stove making dinner, while Jack was sitting at the table working on his homework.
Two weeks would pass as Christina and I worked out plans for the new charity. She had contacted a few lawyers who were willing to write up the legalities for us, and everything was moving ahead so smoothly. I remember sitting in a board meeting wondering why everything felt so calm and serene. It should have been a warning for the storm to come.
Dark gray clouds surrounded me. They hovered above the ground, stealing the breath from my lungs, while I sat in a long, white tiled corridor with an orange stripe traveling across the center of the wall behind me. I was waiting. I’m not sure for what. They asked me to sit there while they figured some things out.
My mind quickly flashed to Jack. Thank God for Andrea, who dropped everything to come with me. Thank God for her mom, Alice, who rushed to my apartment to keep an eye on Jack while he slept. Thank God for the cab driver who got me to the hospital as fast as they could. Thank God for the police who reacted quickly, even if there was nothing they could do.
I could hear the whispers and feel the sympathetic glances from the nurse’s station just down the hall. Knowing what they knew couldn’t have been easy, but the part that killed me the most were the simple hushed words that traveled to my ears like a soft breeze.
“Thank goodness no one else was hurt.”
“It could have been so much worse.”
“The police want to talk to the family. Are they here?”
The last question was loud enough for me to hear without straining. I knew they were talking about me. My eyes glanced up to a familiar face, offering a sympathetic smile as she leaned over the desk.
“The family is most certainly here, and she can hear you. You three will meet me in my office. Go and wait. Now.” Her posture straightened, challenging them. When they didn’t respond, she walked toward me. Her dark blue scrubs stood out against the stark white walls around me. Charlotte Knight, Illinois Masonic Hospital was clearly labeled on the badge loosely hung from a metal clip on her shirt pocket.
“I’m so sorry we had to meet like this.”
“Me too,” I sniffed, wiping the steady tears from my face. “Thank you for finding me.”
“I recognized him right away. He hasn’t changed much over the years, a little grayer, but I knew him. He didn’t have a phone or anything on him. The only thing in his wallet was old receipts, his license, and a few credit cards.” She sat down beside me in one of the black chairs and reached for my hand. “I want you to understand doing what I did to reach you could get me into some trouble. That’s why I wouldn’t tell anyone what was wrong. All I could do was let you know that you were needed here.”
“How did you find me?” I asked, though I already knew the answer. Andrea was the one who called me. When she mentioned the name of the hospital I knew who had reached out to her. The only person I knew who worked there was August’s mom. Whether she had reached out to August, or directly to Andrea, was the only thing I didn’t know for sure. I think in the pit of my stomach I knew, but I asked anyway.
She let out a soft puff of air from her cheeks, while at the same time refusing to meet my eyes. “I called August. I knew he had come home to see you a while ago. It was a shot in the dark, and I took it. I’m sorry.”
Walls that I had built and fortified over the years, protecting Jack and myself from being hurt again, came crashing down around me. I was ground zero. I was the center of the bomb. Broken bricks, mortar, and dust were all that was left in the aftermath of it all. Hate. Love. Regret. Anger. There was so much anger, and I was being held together by a thin thread. If the next question went as I feared, I would be annihilated.
“So, he knows?”
“No, sweetie. I told him there was an emergency and I needed to reach you. I didn’t mention the accident, or your dad. I will tell him eventually, though. He cares about you. He would want to know, and I don’t think I can keep it from him.” The string was precariously still, holding in place. Charlotte squeezed my hand as two police officers started walking towards me.
“Thank you for finding me.”
“I’m really sorry about your dad, Arlo. I know you weren’t always close to him, but I also know he’s always been the one constant feature in your life.” She squeezed my hand one more time before standing. “I’m sorry.” She nodded to the police as she walked back towards the
station, most likely to deal with the other nurses who were whispering about me.
“Miss, I’m sorry for your loss. Do you have any questions for us before we begin?”
Questions. I had a million of them, but none they could answer. Did he know his heart was bad? Why the hell was he out so late? “My dad had a heart attack while riding his Harley on Lake Shore Drive and slammed into a barrier. The one parent I had left in my life just died, and you want to know if I have any questions? I have a fucking million of them, and you can’t answer a damn one.” The string broke. It wasn’t their fault. I’m not sure it was anyone’s to be honest, but it didn’t matter to me at the time. I was hurt and angry. They were there, so they took the brunt of my anger.
Everything after that was a blur. I remember standing behind a glass window while some guy in a white coat lifted a sheet. My stomach twisted and turned as I nodded my head, admitting the man on the table was my father. He may not have been a great man, but he was my dad. He was the only parent that mattered to me and he was gone.
Andrea, God bless her, was patiently sitting in the waiting room for me. When August’s mom came to get me, she stayed behind to wait for me. I had no idea, walking in, what had happened. Hours had come and gone while Andrea sat waiting for me. When I finally walked up to her, she was chewing on her fingernail, while reading some tabloid article on her phone.
“Hey.”
“Oh, my God. Are you okay? Is everything okay?” I started to cry before I could answer her. Her feet touched the ground and her arms encircled me. “It’s alright. Whatever it is, we’ll deal. Okay? That’s what we do. We deal.”
Tears soaked into her shirt and I pressed my head into her shoulder. “He didn’t…he didn’t.”
“No, no. Hey, look at me. He didn’t what, honey?”
Another tear fell as I met her gaze. “He’s gone. He crashed his bike and he didn’t make it. First Daniel––and now my dad. How many people do I have to say goodbye to? It isn’t fair.”
Andrea never said word. She didn’t need to. Nothing she could have said would have made a difference.
Time is a bitch. She’s fleeting, and she never turns around. She will take everything from you and never look back over her shoulder. One day, she and I will meet, and then we will have a lengthy conversation.
Jack was sound asleep in his bed when we got home. Alice, the saint, was asleep at the end of his bed. My heart sank. He always worried when I was gone at night and I tried not to make a habit of it, except for a few times where work had me away. My fingers reached out, gently shaking Alice awake.
“Home already? What time is it?”
“It’s late, or really early. It depends on how you look at it. I don’t want to wake him just yet, so we will be out in the living room.”
The soft sound of footsteps soon followed me into the kitchen where Andrea was making tea. It wasn’t a drink I would have made by choice, but when she offered, I instantly took her up on it. Somehow, the thought of something light and warm comforted me.
The warmth from the cup Andrea handed me eased my nerves. I remember this being the worst part after Daniel died. Telling everyone wore on my heart. It was already broken and every time I spoke it was like I cut it a little bit deeper. This time, there would be less people to tell, but it wouldn’t make it any better.
“Both of you sit down while I make you something to eat. You look like worn gray cats, patting at the milk in your cups.” Alice ushered Andrea and I over to the couch. She moved about the kitchen with ease, dicing up fresh fruit and pulling some crackers out of the pantry. Once she had a nice sized plate full, she brought it over to us and sat down beside me on the couch. There I was, in the middle of their sandwich.
“Alice, my dad was in an accident. He didn’t…He…He’s—”
“Oh, honey. I know what you’re trying to say. It will be all right. Gregg’s retired now, and home most of the time, so he can keep an eye on Jack while the three of us get everything sorted, okay?”
If I could’ve chosen a mother, Alice would have been exactly what I wanted. She was always kind, she put others before herself, and she was so incredibly loving. Andrea thought she was meddlesome and strict, but I thought she was perfect.
When we were in high school, Andrea and I began reading Harry Potter by JK Rowling. We would make jokes about how my life resembled Harry’s because even through the sad parts, I kept going. If I was Harry, Andrea was my Ron Weasley. That made Alice my Molly. She even had red hair. The only things she was missing were the accent and wand.
The next morning, I woke up in my room, with a blanket softly laying over me. I didn’t remember ever going to bed, but somehow it found me. I could hear the television in the living room and the sounds of dishes clinking. Was Andrea still here? The smell of coffee was summoning me, so I grabbed my cardigan, wrapped it around my shoulders, and followed the captivating scent into the kitchen.
“Alice?”
“Morning, sweetie, or should I say afternoon?”
“Is it that late, already?” The big hand on my watch was centered between the one and two. I had slept later than I had anticipated, I thought to myself as the tips of my fingers traced the edge of the mug on the counter. The coffee looked so inviting, and yet, my stomach twisted. All I wanted was a little relief, a little bit of space, and a little time without my thoughts. I understood the draw my brother had to drugs. The only difference between us was that I saw what they did to him. I had learned from him on what not to do. I wish someone could have shown him how much better everything could have been. A gentle squeeze of my shoulder let me know Alice was there and ready to listen, even if I wasn’t ready to talk.
“Where’s Jack?”
“Andrea took him to a movie. I know it’s Tuesday, but I didn’t see you wanting him at school.”
“I’m glad he’s doing something fun. Alice, how am I going to tell him? Is there some kind of rulebook for this? I’m going to break him.” A tear slipped from the corner of my eye.
“There are no rules for any of this. I will say one thing––be honest with him. He might not need all the details, but don’t hold back what you think he can handle. Show him you love him and hold him when he cries. That’s all any of us can do.”
“I never forgave him. The way he treated my brother and I, the way he left us to raise ourselves, the hatred he had towards my brother…I never forgave him for any of it. I never understood any of it.”
“Some things can’t be forgiven. That’s life.”
“Yeah––well, that’s fucked up.”
“I won’t argue that.”
I took a sip of my coffee and gently placed it back on the counter. “He loved Jack. He never said it, but I think he tried to make up for all the times he hurt us, by being good to Jack. Sure, he wasn’t perfect, but he at least he tried with him. They went fishing together, he taught him all about baseball, and never missed a birthday. That’s more than he ever did for my brother and I.”
“No one is perfect. Maybe he thought of Jack as a second chance.”
“There shouldn’t be a second chance when it comes to your children. You should just love them from the start.”
“Well, I love you and so does Gregg. Maybe family doesn’t need to be blood. Maybe you can move on from all that pain now. You have us, and Andrea. Plus, you have a wonderful son. Just be honest with him. That’s all I ask.”
The memory of my dad and August holding me after Daniel died came rushing forward. I felt so lost and they were anchoring me. That’s what I needed to do for Jack. I tried my best to clear my mind as I leaned against the counter, slowly sipping my drink. It wasn’t working, so I decided to use the time I had before he got home, to shower and change my clothes.
The hot water cascading over me couldn’t wash away the pain, but it offered some comfort. It’s as though the steam absorbed the clouded thoughts from my mind and I was able to relax, even if it was just for a moment.
It was just a
fter four when I heard his giggle outside the front door. The handle slowly turned, and in bounced Jack, followed by Andrea. My eyes met hers and her smile quickly faded into a frown. Nothing I could have said would have made it better. Even though I didn’t want to, I motioned for Jack to join me on the couch.
“Are you okay, momma? You have sad eyes.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat as his little body curled into mine. My fingers brushed through his hair, tracing the small scar above his left eye that he got when he tried to jump too far during an excruciating game of ‘The floor is lava.’ I can remember how scared I was as I held his hand, while the doctor stitched him up. Jack never cried. He held my hand and told me not to worry. He was just getting sewn up and everything was going to be okay. I wish I had half the strength and courage he possessed.
“Jack, you know mommy loves you, right?”
“Yeah.”
“And you know Pops loved you too, right?”
“Yeah, and I love him.”
The lump in my throat continued to grow. I could have almost choked on it. “Well, baby, sometimes people we love have to leave us. Sometimes, their time is up, and their bodies give out. When that happens, they move into our hearts, where we can’t see them anymore. We can still feel them, and if we talk to them, they can hear us, but their bodies are in a different place. Do you understand?”
“Um, momma––are you leaving me?”
“No, Jack. I’m going to stay right here with you for a very, very long time, but your Pops had to leave, honey. His body got really sick and it couldn’t hold him anymore. His heart got too big, so he left his body.”
His brow furrowed and then he closed his eyes. He might not have had a complete understanding of death because he had never dealt with it before, but I knew that look. He understood.
“But why?”
“Sometimes people have to leave. I know it hurts. I’m so sorry, Jack.”
“Did I do something wrong? Did he? Was it something he did?”
“No, baby, his heart grew too big for his chest last night when he was riding his bike. It was nothing you, or he did.”