by Amber Lacie
“I’m okay. I just wasn’t expecting you home so soon. Do you remember your friend Nick, the one that lived at the end of the hall?”
“Yeah. What about him?”
“Well, remember when he would just show up without being invited over? I had a friend that did that today.”
Andrea coughed in the kitchen muttering, “Just today?” under her breath. I shot her a deathly glare and continued talking to Jack, completely ignoring her outburst.
“Who was your friend?”
“His name is August. He’s actually here right now. I think he wanted to meet you.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re my favorite person in all the world. That makes you special. I told him all about you and he thought you were pretty cool.”
Andrea plopped down in the chair across from us and tossed a couple pieces of popcorn in her mouth, all the while smiling at me. She was proud of herself and she wasn’t hiding it.
I took a deep breath and cleared my throat, “August, you can come out now.”
“Yeah, August––come out and say hi.” Andrea giggled, as she propped her feet up on the table. I smacked them down and shot her another death glare. This time I was able to silence her with said glare. She sat straight up in the chair.
August walked in the room and waved awkwardly at the three of us. He looked so tall standing against the light gray wall. “Hi, Jack. My name’s August. Your mom and I are old friends.”
Jack looked back and forth between August and I, and sat up a little straighter. “Are you on YouTube?”
“What?” August walked over and sat on the arm of the couch closest to me. “Why would you think I’m on YouTube?”
“I think you are. I’ve seen your face somewhere. Are you on TV?”
I covered my mouth trying to hide the smirk taking over my face. Jack was trying to figure out why he looked familiar and August looked like a deer in headlights. “Jack, why do you think you’ve seen him before?”
“I know I have. Aunt Andrea, how do I know him? We saw him on your phone, right?”
August and I both turned our heads to Andrea, who was choking on a piece of popcorn. Served her right. Clearing her throat, she smiled at Jack, “Sweetie, he sings that song you like. The one that goes, ‘Bang the drums, bang the drums. It’s a war they’re coming for. They’re the cage and we’re the dragons.”
“Oh.” Jack looked towards August. “You look old. Not like my mom, but like my aunt. She gets wrinkles there when she sings, too.” He pointed to August’s forehead, and I lost it. Andrea and August both sat flabbergasted, while Jack and I fell over with laughter.
“Jack, I missed you. I love you so much.” I wiped the corner of my eyes and tried my best to compose myself. “August is from the band, The Night Owl’s. He’s the lead singer and plays guitar. When we were younger he used to sing me songs in Pop’s garage.”
“Mom.” He motioned for me to come closer and whispered in my ear, “is he your boyfriend?”
My heart thumped erratically in my chest. “Why would you think that?”
“Because he’s still looking at you.” I glanced towards August and found his eyes on me. Looking back down at Jack, I smiled. “I think we’re just really good friends for now. What would you think if he was my boyfriend?”
“I don’t know. Just don’t kiss him. It’s gross.”
“Noted.”
“Can I go to my room now? I want to play a game.”
“Sure, bud.”
Jack hopped up and took off to his room. He was most likely off to defend some magical realm or battle a dragon in whatever video game he was currently hung up on. His brown mop of hair disappeared around the corner and I turned my head towards Andrea.
“There. Show’s over. Now you can take your snack and go.”
“Aww. You’re no fun. It’s fine. You know you’ll just tell me everything later. Bye, August. Be nice to them while I’m gone.” She stood with her bowl of popcorn and grabbed her purse. “I’ll bring the bowl back later.” With a wave of her hand, she shut the door behind her.
August slid down on the couch and moved closer to me. “She’s different than I remember.”
“How’s that?”
“She doesn’t seem as bitchy as she was in high school.”
“No, she is. Trust me. She just loves Jack and me. It’s like her family adopted me after Daniel passed away. We were friends before, but I think when Corie died she got a dose of reality she wasn’t expecting. Then after Daniel, she just stuck around more. I think it was because she knew how hurt I was. She was in the same pain I was––you know?”
“Maybe, or maybe she’s gone under a brain procedure and now she’s a different person.”
“There was two weeks when I couldn’t get a hold of her a couple of summers ago. You could be right.”
He chucked as he reached for my hand, turning it over to inspect my palm. His fingers gently traced the lines on my hand, stopping only when he found what he was looking for. “This note changed everything for me. I thought it changed everything for you, too.”
The sound of silence trickled in my ears. He said nothing, as he traced the tattoo we had agreed on. The brand that we had chosen so many years ago was the one reminder I had of a time when I felt free to love. “I don’t regret getting it, and if that’s what you think, you’re wrong. I loved you. It meant everything to me.”
“And now?”
“And now, I’m a single mom, trying my best to give my son a life I never had. He shouldn’t have to pay for my mistakes. You and I are different people now. Maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be.”
“How so?”
“I love Jack with everything in me. If I had to go back and change things, I don’t think I could. As much as I hurt, and as angry as I was with myself––I wouldn’t be able to. I can’t picture my life without my son. For me to have him, I would need his father in the picture, even if it was just for a fraction of time.”
August nodded his head, and I knew I had hurt him. As much as I wanted him to be Jack’s father, he wasn’t. There was nothing I could do to change that. He dropped my hand and began to pull the black shirt he was wearing over his head.
“Um, what exactly are you doing?”
“I know we’ve seen a lot of each other the last couple of days, but I want you to really see me.”
My eyes flashed back to the hallway to make sure we were alone before I turned my attention back to August, who was now sitting next to me shirtless. The black intricate lines of his tattoos stood out proudly against his tan skin. I found myself holding my breath as my fingers reached out in front of me to feel him.
His eyes closed, as I inspected every mark. It wasn’t the ones on his arms that caught my attention. It was the words etched on his ribcage, just below his heart. The words washed over me as I realized how deep his love for me was. The song he had written me, so many years ago, branded his skin. Arlington was written across his body, with delicate swirls falling from the tips of the letters.
‘My heart lays at Arlington
Tears forged so long ago
Rivers run through my mind
They all lead to her’
Tears threatened to fall from my eyes as I tried not to blink. “August.”
“I thought maybe you noticed and you didn’t say anything, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that my focus has been on making you scream. Maybe, I need to slow things down, so you could see all of me. I had plans for us to shower together later. I was going to show you then, but with Jack being home, I thought this might be better.”
“You’re crazy. You’re insane. You realize this, don’t you? Why me, August? Why now?”
His fingers softly grasped my chin, as his thumb brushed against my bottom lip. The air in the room grew heavy; my chest barely rose while I waited for his next move. So many different thoughts were running through my head, but I refused to let them have any attention. He sl
owly leaned in and I took my time breathing him in. The familiar smell of mint danced across my skin as his mouth slowly descended on mine. The roughness of his beard against my skin, the feel of his hot breath mixing with mine, the way he moaned when my nails scrapped his scalp—it took everything in me to hold myself back. I wanted to feel him on me. I wanted to feel him in me. I was desperate for him.
“I know you feel that, Arlo. I want that every morning. I want that every night. I want to live in that feeling.”
My lips were scorched from his touch. My heart was slamming against my ribs. My fingers began tracing the trail leading to the top of his jeans. The words that fell from my mouth still shock me. “You should put your shirt back on.” What is wrong with me? There was an insanely hot man sitting beside me, professing his love to me, and I am telling him to get dressed.
His shoulders fell with defeat as he slid his arms back into his shirt. Just as I was about to explain why, Jack walked back into the room with a remote control in his hand, providing me with a perfect example without having to say a word.
“Mom, it won’t work.”
“At all? Let me see.” I flipped the remote over in my hand and popped off the backing where the batteries went. “Double A’s. I think I have those. Hold on, bud.” I walked into the kitchen with the remote in-hand as I dug through some baskets I kept on the counter.
August sat awkwardly on the couch, trying his best to engage my son in conversation, but Jack would only give him one-word answers. It was clear he wasn’t impressed by August, but at least he was being polite. Once I had the new batteries back in the remote, I handed it back to Jack.
“That should work now. Go try it out for me.”
“Thanks, mom.”
“No problem.”
I smiled, as I watched him walk down the hall and turn back into his room. “August, you should know this isn’t easy. Being a parent is hard. Even though you’re not his dad, he’s going to be a huge ass part of the picture. You get that, right? Jack and I are a package deal. Do you really think you can love both of us? Can you handle that?”
“Baby––” August stood, as he grasped my hand in his, making sure to lock our fingers together. “Don’t worry so much. I’ll take care of both of you.”
“That’s just it. I don’t need to be taken care of. I take care of both of us, and I have for years, without any help. I just want to make sure I’m doing right by him. If I let someone into our life, it’s going to be because I know they love us and our lives will be better for it.”
An alert on his phone started to chime. He silenced it and kissed my cheek. “I hate that it’s time for me to go already, but I do. I love you––both of you, and if you had a million children I would love them all, too. Everything that comes with you, I want it. I won’t be back until after Christmas, do you think he’ll like me by then?”
“He just met you. You’ll have to earn his friendship, just like you do with anyone else.”
“I know––I was just kind of hoping that me being me would kind of kick start my awesomeness in his eyes. He didn’t even care who I was.” He feigned a look of distress, while trying to hide the devilish smirk trying to take hold of him.
“Oh, my God. I’m freaking out because I want to make sure I’m making good choices as a mom, and you’re upset because my son didn’t recognize your rock star status. Let me ask you a question––does it hurt that you’re not a God to him, or does it hurt worse that he knows you’re a rock star and he didn’t give a shit?”
August laid his hand to his chest like I had wounded him. “Baby, you’re going to get into trouble. That’s thin ice. I’m a God and a rock star.”
“That’s rather cocky of you, don’t you think? Can you back that up? Do you have some kind of proof?”
“Proof? I’ll give you proof. Come here.”
“Nope. I don’t hang out with cocky rock stars who think they are God’s, so maybe you should go.”
“Too late. You already let me in. I’m like a vampire. Once you let me in, I’m always welcome.”
“Maybe I’ll hang some garlic around my neck and above the door then.”
“Wouldn’t make a difference. I’d still find you.” His arms wrapped around my waist, lifting me in the air until my lips were even with his. “I hate that I have to leave in the morning. I hate that I won’t be able to wake up to you. When I get back, I’m going to give you the world.”
“I don’t want the world, August.”
“What do you want?”
“You and Jack. Maybe Andrea when she’s not being a pain in my ass, but that’s it.”
“Fuck me. Baby, you already have me. If I didn’t have a plane to catch, and if Jack wasn’t home, I’d take you back in that bedroom and worship you for days.”
“You think you’re that good, huh?” I leaned my head back laughing, as he squeezed me a little tighter. “So cocky.”
“You’re pushing it.”
I ran my fingers over his face, tracing the outline of the scruff, along with the wrinkles just above his eyebrows. He was so perfectly imperfect. Our lips found each other’s while our arms locked around us. “Promise you’ll call.”
“Every chance I get. I love you.”
The words were right there. They lingered on the tip of my tongue, but I didn’t say them. I couldn’t. Not then. Maybe when he got back I would admit my feelings, but at that moment, I held them back. I swallowed them, along with the lump growing in my throat and pressed my lips to his once more. My body slowly slid back to the floor and my heart sank as I watched him open the door and close it gently behind him.
I told myself this was a test. If he came back, then I would tell him I love him and admit I always had. If he didn’t come back, I wouldn’t have my heart broken. After all, it couldn’t break if I didn’t give it away.
Lines. They were everywhere. There were lines to get coffee, lines to get in lines, and lines to buy food. Then there were lines to buy toilet paper, to buy wrapping paper, and lines to buy gifts. There were too many lines, and I had stood in them for way too long. I massaged my temples as I stood patiently, credit card in hand, to buy the very last item on my list. I waited, with baited breath, as the clerk carefully wrapped it in tissue paper and placed it in the bag. My fingers quickly etched my name across a receipt. I grabbed my item, took five steps forward through the revolving door, and breathed in the cold winter air. I was officially done with my Christmas shopping. Relief washed over me as I waited for Andrea outside of Macy’s department store. I hated last minute shopping, but at least it was over.
“Just so you know, next year, I’m not doing this. Never again. Do you even hear me, Arls or are you lost in ‘August land’?”
“Hmm?” I looked up from my phone to see Andrea standing in front me, arms full of bags, with an oversized attitude.
“No. You don’t get to be crappy with me. I had one thing left on my list. We didn’t have to come here, but you decided to wait until the last minute to go shopping. This is all your fault.”
“It’s not exactly the last minute.”
“Andrea, it’s Christmas Eve. I don’t think we can come closer to last minute than this. Did you at least get everything you need?”
“Sort of. I had to wing a couple of gifts, but they should work. Do you think my dad would prefer a neck tie, or a new pair of winter gloves?”
“Why not give him both?”
She let out a puff of air, attempting to blow her bangs out of her face. She had cut them hastily one night, after a drunk phone call, and she’s regretted it ever since. Perhaps they would have been easier to grow out if she had waited until she was sober to cut them. At least then they would have been straight. “I need to give one of those to someone else. Are you done? Can we go?”
“That’s an interesting statement.” I grabbed my bag off the bench beside me and held my hand out to take a few more from her. Once she lessened the load she was carrying, she took off, completely ignoring
the fact that I was trying to talk to her. “Oh, no––you don’t get to walk away like that. Andrea, I swear I will make a scene. You wait for me.”
Catching up to her as fast as my short legs would allow me to, I grabbed her arm and pulled her to a stop. “Arls, let it go.”
“Nope. Who is the other gift for?”
“My boss.”
“Since when does Jen need a neck tie or gloves?”
“Since, I said so. Just leave it.”
“Are you seeing anyone?”
“Do I look insane to you? I don’t need a man. This has been established for years, do not mess with it.” She was furious as she looked towards me with her eyes landing everywhere, but on mine. She was hiding something. I knew not to pry for information. Eventually, she would either let it slip, or bring it up herself. I made a mental note of all the questions I would ask as Andrea hailed us a cab.
The faint smell of vomit filled my nostrils as we slid into the car. People are disgusting. We tucked the bags in between us and shouted the address to the driver. While Andrea stared out her window, I checked my phone to see if I had any missed calls. My heart sank a little more every time I looked. August had promised he would call on Christmas Eve. The hours were ticking away, and yet, there was no word from him. Not even a text notification littered my screen.
“Are you worried about Jack, or August?”
I sighed, as I tucked a curl behind my ear. “Jack is fine. Your mom said he’s watching a movie.”
“So then, it’s August who has you moping about?”
“I’m not moping.”
“You’re right. It’s more of a pout. What did he do?”
“He didn’t do anything.”
“Okay, what is it that he didn’t do?”
“He was supposed to call me today and I haven’t heard from him.”
“Maybe he hasn’t gotten around to it. The day isn’t over, yet.” She stared out the window a little longer, before turning back towards me. Her mouth fell open as if she was about to say something, but the cab came to a stop. Instead, she smiled, grabbed a few bags and ushered me from the car.