by Joy Argento
Sleep was not her friend. With all the tossing and turning and thinking—so much thinking—she doubted she got more than two hours all night. She got up way before the usual time, determined to make breakfast for Ali instead of the other way around. She had the coffee made, the bacon cooked, and the scrambled eggs done. She expected Ali to be down before she had finished, but Ali wasn’t down yet. She put the food in the oven, set it to warm and headed upstairs. The bathroom door was open, and the room was empty. She knocked on the guest bedroom door. No answer. She knocked again. “Ali?”
When Ali still didn’t answer, she opened the door a crack and stuck her head in. The bed was made, and Ali was nowhere to be seen. “What the hell?” Madison said. She was about to go back downstairs when she spotted the folded piece of paper on the nightstand with her name on it.
“Oh shit.” Madison sat on the bed and stared at the note as if it would bite her, afraid of what it held. She let out the breath she was holding and tentatively picked up the piece of paper and unfolded it.
Dear Madison,
Thank you. Thank you for forgiving me when I really didn’t deserve it. Thank you for letting me stay with you, even when you didn’t need me anymore. Thank you for letting me see who you are now. You have grown up to be a beautiful, remarkable, wonderful woman. You were all those things as a teenager, but even more so now.
Please don’t be mad that I left without saying good-bye. It’s a long drive back to Syracuse and I wanted to get an early start. Okay, that’s not entirely true. I just couldn’t face another good-bye with you. (Not that we had an actual “good-bye” when I left twenty years ago—my fault. I will forever be sorry about that.) Be good to yourself. You deserve it. And for God’s sake, don’t stress your back. I am so grateful for your existence in this crazy world.
Ali
Crap. I should have talked to her last night after what happened. Maybe she wouldn’t have gone running. Or maybe I shouldn’t have let it happen at all. Frustration built until it overflowed. Madison tucked the note in her pocket and headed back downstairs. She dumped the eggs and bacon into the trash. Her appetite had taken a hike, just like Ali had. The note said nothing about keeping in touch or Ali ever coming back. That wasn’t what Madison had wanted. She wondered if there was a way to change that.
Chapter Fifteen
Charley threw his arms around Ali. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming home, honey child?” His pink sweatpants and matching T-shirt told Ali he had been planning a relaxing Sunday at home.
Ali wiggled out of his tight embrace. “I just decided yesterday.”
“Baby, you must have left mighty early. It’s barely noon. Come sit. Talk to me.” Charley led her to the sofa and plopped down next to her. “Did something happen?”
Ali frowned.
“Oh. It did. Was it bad? Did you get into a fight? Did Madison Parker want you to leave?”
In his usual Charley way, he was asking questions without taking a breath so Ali could answer. She would just wait him out until he ran out of questions.
“Did you tell her you have strong feelings? Talk to me.”
“Are you done?”
“For the moment,” Charley answered. “Do you want a cup of coffee or…” He glanced at the clock on the wall. “A drink. It’s not too early for a drink.”
“No.”
“No what?”
“No coffee and no drink. Yes, something happened. We had sex last night.”
“Oh, sweetie, was it bad?”
“No. It was wonderful. At least for me. It brought up so many feelings. It reminded me of what we used to have. What I was missing with everyone after Madison.”
Charley pulled his feet up under him on the couch. “Is that a bad thing?”
“Madison pretty much ignored what happened. She got up and went upstairs, barely speaking to me.”
“Did you…” Charley paused.
Ali knew where the question was going. “No. She sort of started it. We were watching a movie on the couch and she held my hand.”
“And that led to sex?”
“We started kissing. She was right there with me, a full participant. But something changed for her. I don’t know what.”
Charley took her hand. “Oh, baby. I’m sorry. That must have hurt.” He looked down and raised their hands a couple of inches. “This, by the way,” he said, gently shaking their clasped hands, “does not mean we’re having sex.”
Ali pulled her hand away. “Not funny.”
“I’m sorry. I was just trying to make you smile.”
Ali shook her head. “It’s going to be a while before I feel like smiling again.”
Charley hugged her. “That bad, huh?”
“That bad.”
“What did Madison Parker say when you left this morning?” Charley got up and poured them both a glass of wine. Ali didn’t object when he handed her a glass.
She took a gulp. “She was still asleep. I kind of—sort of—snuck out.”
Charley sat down. “That doesn’t sound like kind of sort of.”
“I just couldn’t face her. I shouldn’t have let the sex happen. It changed something between us. I felt so close to her while it was happening and then so alone when she left me sitting on the floor naked.”
A confused look flashed across Charley’s face. “What?” Ali asked.
“I’m trying to decide if I should ask for more details or tell you that was TMI.”
Ali swirled her glass and watched the wine leave a red trail in its wake. “No need to ask for more details because you aren’t getting any. Suffice it to say that Madison must have regretted it as soon as it was over. Or she wouldn’t have gone running like that.”
“You ran too.”
“I ran this morning after she wouldn’t talk to me.”
“Did you actually try to get her to talk to you? I mean did you attempt to talk to her about it?”
“I didn’t get a chance. She left so quick.”
Ali had replayed the exit scene over and over in her mind. There really had been no chance to talk. Not that she was sure what she would have said. Or maybe she did. She would have asked if there was a chance for them. A chance that they could work it out and be together again. And that was probably the exact reason Madison had run. It was a conversation she didn’t want to have, because she didn’t want Ali back.
* * *
“Do you think you want her back?” Jenny asked Madison.
“I didn’t think so. No. I mean—I don’t know. I really liked spending time with her. But I don’t know.”
“Sounds like you don’t know.”
“Don’t know what?” Patty entered Jenny’s kitchen carrying Grayson. He squirmed until she set him down and he went running to Madison.
“Hey, what about Gram Gram?” Jenny pouted.
“Gram Gram,” Grayson squealed, but stayed in Madison’s arms.
“Some of us got it,” Madison said. “Some of us wish we had it.”
“What don’t you know?” Patty repeated.
Jenny handed her a stack of plates. “Set the table. I’m not sure Aunt Maddy wants to talk about it.”
Patty stamped her foot. “Stop treating me like a five-year-old. Ooh, candy,” she said, heading to the candy dish on the counter.
“Funny,” Jenny said to her daughter.
“Where’s your friend, Aunt Madison?”
“She went back home,” Madison answered her. “She left this morning.” Just saying the words weighed heavy on her heart as the guilt seeped in around the edges.
“That’s too bad. I really liked her. So did Grayson. Like you said, some people got it.”
Ali seemed to have it all right. Madison just wasn’t sure what it was she had. Maybe it was a piece of her heart. Maybe a piece of her soul. Whatever i
t was she took it back to Syracuse with her. She had been gone less than a day and Madison felt like she had a hole inside her. She didn’t like the feeling at all. It was good to be sitting down to dinner surrounded by family, but Madison couldn’t help but notice that everyone else was paired off.
Jenny and Patty both had their husbands next to them. Of course, there was Grayson, sitting in a high chair between his parents. As cute as he was, he wasn’t exactly Madison’s dinner date type. She thought of how nice it would be to have Ali sitting next to her. Not just to have a body there, but to actually have Ali there.
“Where’d you go?” Jenny asked her, shaking her out of her thoughts.
“Nowhere. I’m right here.”
“Patty asked you a question.”
Shit. She had been too caught up in her thoughts and hadn’t been paying attention. “The answer is yes, of course.”
“Good to know,” Patty said. “I asked if I got Grayson a puppy would you be willing to housebreak it for us.”
Madison laughed. “Okay I wasn’t listening. I wish to amend my answer to hell no.”
Everyone laughed. Madison tried to push thoughts of Ali to the back of her mind, but she ended up hanging out in a thought bubble that hung just over her head, reminding her that Ali had gone home and that she missed her already. Madison gave a very sleepy Grayson a kiss on the top of his head. “Good night, little man.” She hugged Patty and her husband good-bye. Jenny’s husband, Jimmy, excused himself and went up to the office to do some work. Madison hung out in the kitchen with Jenny and helped put away the rest of the leftovers.
“Tell me for real how you’re doing?” Jenny asked her as she covered a bowl of potatoes with plastic wrap.
“I’m okay. Why are you asking?”
“Because you’re kind of—I don’t know—in a fog.”
Madison couldn’t argue with that. She felt like she had drifted in and out of conversations all evening. “I’m just trying to sort out my feelings.”
“About Ali?”
“Yeah.”
“Did you come to any conclusions?”
“I don’t know. It probably doesn’t make a difference anyway.” She grabbed an olive from the bowl before Jenny emptied it back into the jar.
“Why?”
“Because of the way Ali left. It was like she couldn’t get away from me fast enough.”
“What did you do?”
“And just why do you jump to the conclusion that I did something to her? I wasn’t the only one naked on that couch you know.”
Jenny stopped halfway to the fridge with the olives. “What? You kind of left out the part where you got naked and what happened after that.”
Madison felt the heat creep up her neck. She knew she was turning a deep shade of red. She hadn’t intended to tell Jenny what had happened between them. She knew Jenny well enough to know that now that the door was open, there was no way she was going to drop it without getting details.
Madison gave her a brief rundown, without giving too many details.
“You went upstairs without saying anything, like it didn’t happen?” Jenny asked.
“I asked if she was okay and started to explain that I hadn’t planned on having sex with her.”
“That’s it? You’re intimate with the woman and that’s what you say to her?”
“But—”
“Madison there is no but here. You were wrong. You are the one who ran. No wonder Ali left like she did. You don’t have sex with someone who obviously cares about you as much as Ali does and then go to bed—alone—without acknowledging it. I can’t believe you just left her there like that.”
“That makes me an asshole doesn’t it. I didn’t know what else to do.”
Jenny sat down and gave Madison her full attention. “Tell me what you were feeling.”
“Mostly confused.”
“About?”
“My feelings. Ali’s feelings.”
“Don’t you think the thing to do would have been to ask her?”
“In hindsight, yes. At the time, I don’t know. I felt so exposed, so vulnerable. I didn’t want her to see that.”
“For God’s sake, Madison, you had just had sex with the woman. Of course, you would feel exposed and vulnerable. I’m sure she felt like that too.”
“And I just left her there.” How stupid and insensitive of her. She was starting to see Jenny’s point. Madison had to find a way to make it right with Ali, if that was even possible.
Chapter Sixteen
It had been several days since Ali went home. Madison hadn’t heard from her, and she wasn’t surprised. She had spent a lot of that time reaming herself out for the way she had acted their last night together. She briefly considered driving to Syracuse and showing up at Ali’s door. The fact that she didn’t have her address would be a problem. She still hadn’t sorted through all her feelings. The only thing she knew for sure was that she cared about Ali. Really cared. Maybe more than cared. That’s the part she didn’t have figured out. How much of her current feelings were real and how much were left over from twenty years ago? And did it even matter? If she was feeling it now it was real now. Wasn’t it?
She felt like she was in a haze. It took all her energy when she was working to concentrate on the job at hand and the customers. As soon as she got home, she’d let her mind return to Ali and all the feelings that surrounded her and their time together. After days of thinking and many sleepless nights, she concluded that her feelings were real. They were now and they were then. It all blended together into a great big ball of raw nerve endings that yearned for Ali. Did Ali feel the same?
Madison didn’t know, especially after the way Madison acted. She may have once, but that could have changed. She was back in her own life now. A life without Madison and the hurt that she had caused. A life she had been content in. Madison could have speculated forever. There was only one way to find out for sure. She pulled her phone from her pocket and placed it on the desk in front of her. She stared at it until she had formulated an opening dialogue in her mind and a list of points she wanted to make.
She jotted some notes down. Valerie and Lea could handle the shop for a little while. There was nothing stopping her from making the call—except fear. She set the timer on her phone for two minutes. That was how long she gave herself to get over it.
The phone rang long enough to go to Ali’s voice mail. “This is Ali. Sorry I missed your call. If this is my editor, yes, I’m working on my rewrites. Everyone else, please leave a message. Don’t expect a call back too soon, though. I’m working on my rewrites.” Madison hung up the phone without leaving a message. She had practiced what to say when Ali answered. She didn’t prepare a message.
“Oh, shit. I’m an idiot. How hard is it to say please call me?” Not hard. And yes, you are an idiot. Shut up, I don’t need your opinion. No wonder Ali ran. Who wants to spend time with a crazy person who talks to herself? Sure, you can talk to yourself, but not to Ali. Hey! I’m trying here.
She hit Ali’s number again in her contacts. This time she was prepared to leave a message. She was thrown off kilter when Ali answered the phone. “Hi, Ali, this is…” she started. “Ali?”
“Yes. Madison?”
“Yes. It’s me. You threw me when you answered the phone.” This is going well. Get your damn act together.
“You called me. Who did you expect to answer the phone?”
“You. Never mind. I meant to call you and it was you that answered the phone. So that’s good.” Not much better.
“Are you all right?”
Madison fiddled with the pens on her desk and knocked the notes she had written on the floor. “Yes. I’m fine. Well. No. Not really. I mean I’m sorry.”
“What?”
“I’m sorry about what happened the night before you left.”
“No, no, not that part. I don’t regret that we had sex.” Made love? Maybe she should have said made love. Sex sounded so impersonal—and it was anything but impersonal. “I regret that I went upstairs and left you downstairs alone. I should have talked to you. I should have taken your hand and led you up to my room. What I did was wrong and I’m sorry.”
No answer.
“Ali?”
No answer.
“Ali, can you say something?”
Ali wasn’t sure what to think. She understood the apology part, but was Madison saying more than that? “Okay.”
“Um, okay,” Madison repeated. “How are you doing?”
“Fine.” Her brain was still firing too rapidly to process correctly. Why exactly was Madison calling?
“Ali, I want you to come back.”
If Ali felt off balance before, that statement sent her over the cliff. “What?”
“I want you to come back. I think there’s some things we need to talk about. I don’t want to do it over the phone. I can come there if that’s easier for you.”
“Can I get back to you on this?” Was she crazy? Madison just invited her back and she didn’t jump at it. It was all she had wanted and now she hesitated. She was more confused than ever, not only by Madison, but also by her own answers.
“Of course. I’m sure you have a lot to catch up on now that you’re home. I’ll let you go, but please think about it.”