by Joy Argento
“I will.” Charley. She needed to talk to Charley to process this. “Thanks for calling.”
“A…yeah…okay. Well. Good-bye, Ali.” There was a pause. “Ali, I acted like an ass and I’m sorry.”
“I’ll call you later. Bye.”
Ali hung up, not sure if Madison would have continued or not. What the hell was that? Ali felt like a yo-yo—as low as you can go when she left Clyde and Madison—starting the slow ascent back up in the last couple of days—and now spinning on the end of the string.
Ali closed her laptop. Her rewrites would have to wait. She needed to talk to Charley.
“I think if Madison Parker wants to see you, she should come here,” Charley said after Ali explained what had happened. He added cream to his coffee from the little dish on the table. The coffee shop was nearly empty.
Ali was thankful for that. “Hmm.”
“Do you want to see her?”
Ali took a sip of her coffee, giving her an extra couple of seconds to think. “I don’t know.” Obviously, a couple of seconds wasn’t enough. “I mean I do. But what she did cut deep. I don’t want to have to look into her eyes if she’s going to tell me that what we did was a mistake and she doesn’t want me in her life.”
“Do you really think she would need to do that face-to-face? Wouldn’t she just do that over the phone?”
“She might think she owes it to me to tell me in person. I don’t know. This is so confusing.”
“Honey child, what do you want to do? The hell with what Madison Parker wants. If you could write the script how would you want this to play out?”
The answer to that was easy. She wanted Madison back. They had lost too many years. She wished she could go back in time and have a do-over. That wasn’t possible. Was it possible to start now and move forward together? Would Madison want that?
“Ali?”
“I want her back. Plain and simple. I don’t know what she wants.” She pushed her cup away from her. Her stomach had turned to acid, and even the smell of the coffee bothered her.
Charley ran a hand through the shock of bright pink hair on the top of his head. He had shaved the sides while Ali had been in Maryland. She wasn’t sure if she liked it or not. “Honey, you need to tell her that. No matter what she wants to tell you, she needs to hear your feelings. If she doesn’t want you after that, that’s on her. But if you don’t tell her, that’s on you.”
Charley had a point. She had kept her true feelings hidden from Madison. How could you blame someone for not responding to your feelings when you didn’t share them? “You’re right.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t hear that. Can you say it again?”
Ali smiled at his good-natured teasing. Charley always did have a knack for making her feel better, if only in the moment. “I said you’re right. I’ll call her tonight and ask her to come here. That way we are on my turf and it won’t be me running off with my tail between my legs if it goes south.”
“Good plan, sweetie. You got this. Whatever happens, you can hold your head high and know that you were honest and did your best.”
Ali nodded. She just hoped her best was good enough.
* * *
Madison jumped at the sound of her ringing phone. Her conversation with Ali couldn’t have gone worse. She had stumbled all over herself and couldn’t get the words out right. So much for being prepared. Ali must have thought she’d lost her mind. A quick glance at the caller ID told her it was Ali calling back. She could almost feel her blood pressure rise. One deep breath in. One deep breath out. Repeat and answer the phone. “Hello.”
“Hi, Madison.” Pause. “You said you wanted to talk face-to-face and would be willing to come here. If you can take the time off from O’s, I think that would be best.” She sounded so formal. It was off-putting.
“Of course. I have Wednesday off. Does that work for you?” Please say yes.
“Yes. I’ll text you the address. Do you know what time you would be arriving?”
“If I leave early, I could be there around noon.”
“Okay.”
“Ali, I…” Madison was at a loss for words. She didn’t want to say too much now. She needed to see Ali face-to-face. “I’ll see you Wednesday.”
“Wednesday.”
They said their good-byes and Ali hung up before Madison did. Maybe this was a mistake. Clearly, Ali didn’t feel the same way she did. And Madison couldn’t blame her. She might have blown any chance they might have had before they even started. Ugh. She needed to stop these crazy revolving thoughts. They were getting her nowhere. She would tell Ali how she felt. She would need to clarify the wording in her own mind and be better prepared. And of course, she needed to tell her how sorry she was for abandoning her. Yes. She would start there and see how Ali felt. If Ali didn’t feel the same—game over. If she did, they could figure out how to take the next steps together. Madison sure hoped there would be next steps to take.
* * *
Madison turned the radio down as she turned onto Ali’s street, as if she needed quiet to find the right apartment building. It must have helped because she spotted it right away. Of course, it was made easier by the fact that it appeared to be the only apartment building on the street. The small parking lot boasted four spots marked for individual apartments and several spots designated for visitors. Ali’s was the only car in the lot.
The building looked like it was once a large mansion that had been converted to apartments. The wooden exterior appeared well cared for. Gardens with daffodils finishing up their season lined the sidewalk leading to the front door. Madison pushed her nerves aside and rang the bell with Ali’s name on it. Within seconds, she heard a buzz and was able to push the door open and make her way to Ali’s apartment on the second floor. The door opened before she had the chance to knock. Just seeing Ali again took her breath away. She had on a light blue button-up shirt, snug jeans, and just enough makeup to make Madison want to kiss her. Or maybe Madison just wanted to kiss her—makeup or not. But she didn’t. They needed to talk, not end up naked again—at least not yet.
“Hi,” Ali said tentatively.
“Hi. Thanks for letting me come.”
“Sure.” Ali stepped back to let Madison in. The apartment felt warm and inviting. The living room furniture looked simple yet comfortable. The few pictures on the wall looked like real paintings, not prints. An award for one of Ali’s books sat unassuming on top of the bookcase. It looked like Ali had done well for herself, just like she had said.
“Sit down. Make yourself comfortable. Would you like something to drink?”
The couch was as comfortable as it looked. Madison chose it over the chair in the hope that Ali would sit closer, making it easier to talk. “Sure. Whatever you have is fine. Wine would be great if you don’t think it’s too early.”
Ali smiled. “Never too early for wine.”
That was a good sign. Even if she hated Madison, she still liked wine. Madison laughed at that thought. Her nerves were getting to her. She planned to be cool, state her case, apologize, of course, and listen to Ali’s thoughts. Her coolness seemed to be going out the window.
Ali disappeared into the kitchen and emerged with two glasses of red wine. She handed one to Madison and sat down on the couch, leaving a couple of feet between them. Madison sipped her wine, stood up, and went to the bookcase by the wall. She pointed to the award. “I’m impressed,” she said. She nonchalantly made her way back to the couch and sat down, eliminating some of the space between them. Her coolness had returned. “First,” she started.
“No.”
“No?”
Ali took a large sip of her wine, making Madison wait for her response. “No. I want to go first.”
“But I—”
“Please, Madison. Let me say this before I lose my nerve.”
Madison r
ealized that Ali was just as nervous as she was. “Okay.” She reached for Ali’s hand but stopped short of taking it. She rubbed her hand on her pants instead, hoping Ali didn’t notice.
Ali was glad Madison didn’t continue her attempt to take her hand. The physical connection might have been too much in the moment. She needed to tell Madison how she felt, without any distractions. “What you did after we had…” she trailed off. This would be harder than she thought. “…sex,” she continued. “It hurt. A lot. I felt used.”
“That’s what—”
Ali held up her hand. She needed to get this out. “That’s how I felt afterward. I want to tell you how I felt before that.”
“Okay.”
“I felt like I was falling back in love with you.” Ali swallowed. “Being around you, talking, joking, being so close to you, it was—it was heaven. It felt so good. We made love. You can call it sex if you want, but it was more than just a physical act to me.” She looked away to try to gain her composure. She was close to tears. The last thing she wanted to do was cry in front of Madison. Again. “I thought maybe we had a chance in that moment. Then you get up and leave. Just like that. Any hopes of a future left when you left that room.” She swiped at a tear that disobeyed her orders and trailed down her cheek.
“And now?” Madison asked.
“Before I answer that, I have a question for you.”
Madison nodded.
“Did being intimate with me mean anything to you?”
“Of course, it did. Ali, I was confused. I was having feelings I didn’t want to have.”
“Good to know you didn’t want to have feelings for me.” Another errant tear. Damn it.
“That’s not what I mean. You came back into my life without warning. I wasn’t prepared for that. I told myself a long time ago that I didn’t need you. That you meant nothing to me. Ali, I thought you left me because what we had didn’t mean anything to you. That took a long time to get over. I sure as hell wasn’t ready to jump back in feet first.”
“I get that—”
“My turn now,” Madison said more harshly than she intended. “I’m sorry,” she said, consciously trying to soften her voice. “I just want you to understand. All of a sudden, you were there and all I wanted was for you to leave.”
The look on Ali’s face told her to get to the part where she cared, because so far all she was doing was hurting Ali more.
“But that changed. You helped me when you didn’t have to. But things didn’t change because I needed to rely on you. They changed because I was around you again and I was reminded of how wonderful you are.”
With that, Ali’s face softened.
“The bottom line here is they changed, Ali. My feelings for you changed.”
“Why did you leave me there, sitting on the living room floor alone.”
This time Madison did take Ali’s hands in hers. “I don’t know.”
Ali pulled her hands away. “Wrong answer.” She stood and turned her back to Madison.
Madison rushed to explain. “I was confused. All the feelings that were rushing through me were too much. They weren’t bad feelings. They were good, but they were strong.”
Ali turned around and faced Madison. “And what about my feelings?”
“You said you were leaving. I didn’t think you had strong feelings for me. Not anymore.”
“We had just made love. Do you think I do that with just anyone?”
“Of course not. I…” It was so hard to explain, but she had to make Ali understand. “I…”
“You what?” Ali was losing patience.
“Ali, can you sit down? Please. I’m trying to tell you how I felt. I’m sorry I’m not doing it good enough. Please.”
Ali sat, leaving space between them.
“I got scared. You were going home to your own life and I was going back to mine. Having feelings for you didn’t fit neatly into that scenario. I was scared and confused. Can you understand that?”
Ali let the silence between them grow until it was big enough to swallow Madison whole. There were no more words she could think to say that would explain it any better.
“Done?” Ali asked at last.
“I’m not confused or scared anymore.” It had taken days and tons of thinking to figure out what she wanted. “I want to try again with you. How do you feel about that?”
Ali bit the inside of her cheek. Madison recognized the habit as something Ali did when they were young, and Ali was deep in thought. Madison sat quietly, patiently waiting while Ali thought about Madison’s confession. She didn’t have to wait long.
“How can I trust you now?”
“The same way I came to trust you again after you left. You didn’t answer my question. How do you feel about me now? About the possibility of us?”
Ali shook her head, and Madison’s heart sank. “It’s hard.”
“Of course, it’s hard. Life is hard. But maybe it doesn’t have to be quite as hard together.” Madison laughed. “I never thought it would be me trying to convince you.” So much had changed in the last few weeks. Changes Madison never expected. Changes she hadn’t handled well so far. Now was the time to change that. “What else can I say to make you believe me?”
“I believe you. That’s not the problem. You ran when things got confusing and scary for you. That scares me now.”
“Not to throw it in your face, but you ran first.”
“I was eighteen years old. I was a stupid kid.” She grabbed her glass of wine and held it up as if she was cheering, before gulping some down.
“And I’m a stupid thirty-eight-year-old. That’s the only excuse I’ve got.” She wasn’t going to beg. “Please, Ali. Please.” Or maybe she was.
“My feelings didn’t change.”
That’s what Madison wanted—needed—to know. They could work together to rebuild a relationship if they both had feelings for each other. “So, there’s a chance.” It was more of a statement than a question.
Ali didn’t answer. Madison wished she could read her mind, like she could sometimes do when they were younger. “Is there a chance?”
Cheek bite again. “We need to take it slow.”
Yes. There was a chance. “I can do slow. I can do it any way you need to do it.” She had just handed all her power to Ali, and she was totally okay with that.
Ali finished her wine in three more gulps.
“Where do we go from here?” Madison asked.
“Where do you want to go?”
To your bedroom. “How about I take you out to dinner? A date. A real date.”
“We can do that. But I have to warn you, I’m going to order the most expensive thing on the menu.”
Madison laughed. “You order anything you want. I am an extremely semi-successful entrepreneur with my own business.” She paused. “I’ll take out a loan.”
Now it was Ali’s turn to laugh. The sound went right to Madison’s heart and lit it up from within. She was so glad they were able to lighten the mood. Her decision to come to Syracuse and tell Ali how she felt was the right one.
“I am an extremely successful New York Times best-selling author. I can float you a loan if you need it.”
“You are not,” Madison said, sure Ali was teasing her.
The cutest shade of red colored Ali’s cheeks. “Actually, I am.”
“What? You are?”
“I am.”
“Why didn’t you tell me that before?”
“It seemed like bragging. But now that I know you may need extra money to buy me a fancy meal, I figured it was time to come clean.”
“Thank you,” Madison said. She took a sip of her wine. The warmth it stirred in her belly was matched by the warmth Ali stirred in her heart.
Chapter Seventeen
Madison left sayin
g she would be back at six thirty to pick Ali up for dinner. Ali had trouble concentrating on her rewrites. She closed her laptop, clasped her hands behind her head, and leaned back in her office chair. She closed her eyes and lazily turned her chair in circles.
The conversation with Madison played through her mind. Had she said everything she needed to say? Should she have said anything different? Did she let Madison off the hook too easy? No. She didn’t think she did. Madison seemed truly sorry. Ali had prepared herself for a final good-bye from Madison. She was relieved that didn’t happen and surprised that Madison wanted to try again. Surprised and extremely happy. She smiled to herself and took another spin around in her chair.
She was ready way before Madison arrived. Happy to have her whole wardrobe to choose from, she decided on black dress pants, tucked into knee-high boots, a light blue shirt with dark blue trim that hung loose enough to be forgiving, but had a plunging neckline. She had trouble finding the right bra that would show off her cleavage, give her enough support, and yet be out of sight. She finally found it tucked in the back of her underwear drawer. Her necklace and earrings matched the blue in her shirt, and she added the slightest touch of blue eyeshadow to her carefully made-up face. She nodded at her reflection in the mirror. “You got this.”
She gave Charley a quick phone call to update him on the latest developments.
“I am so happy for you, baby girl. Just relax and have fun tonight. The weight of the world doesn’t depend on this date. Think of it as a new beginning.” Once again, Charley knew exactly what to say. “And don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”
“That pretty much means I can do anything, ’cause, there isn’t much you wouldn’t do.”
“Got that right, sister. I expect a full report tomorrow.”
“I know the drill. I better finish getting ready. Talk to you soon. Bye.” She hung up and went in search of her shoulder wrap. It was hiding in the front closet, right where it should be. Madison arrived on time, a beautiful bouquet of flowers in hand. Ali suspected she might have sat in her car so that she walked in exactly at six thirty. It was something Ali would do.
“Wow,” Madison said. “You look great. These are for you.” She handed Ali the flowers. There were three red roses in the mix. Ali’s favorite.