Delete This at Your Peril
Page 9
Please make me sound like a fun guy when you send Chappy your answers. And, Colin, REMEMBER, two things –
He thinks I was a real captain of Bob’s Beauty! Make sure you say that.
Please say that I am very handsome if he asks. That will help me with the skirt and Christ knows I need all the help I can get.
Thank you my friend,
Bob
PS 90% of your life in the studio? That seems a little high?
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From: Colin Jackson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Interview
Hello Captain Bob,
Thanks for your mail and interest in me, but I want to know will the interview be through mail or something? Secondly I will do just like you said {captain in the Bob’s Beauty} so you have nothing to worry about because we are in this together.
Then about the money how did you send it? You should send it through Western Union or Moneygram as it will be available for pick-up instantly. You need to send it now, it is very important as we must get this thing started. Let me know when you have done this and Bob’s Beauty will kick off.
Have a wonderful day.
Colin
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From: Chappy Williams
To: Colin Jackson
Subject: Interview
HELLO COLIN I AM CHAPPY, A FRIEND OF BOB SERVANT AND A TOP NEWSPAPER REPORTER. I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS FOR YOU FOR AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW. PLEASE SEND ME THE ANSWERS AS SOON AS YOU CAN. THANK YOU, CHAPPY.
How long have you been an artist and what was it that made you start?
Bob said that you think in pictures, can you please explain?
How did you meet Bob?
You are doing a painting of Bob in a boat, is it true that he was a captain in the merchant navy? (I have my doubts)
Do you think he is handsome?
What is your favourite thing about Bob?
If you weren’t a painter then what do you think you would be?
As a painter, who is your favourite cartoon character? (Mickey Mouse etc)
Thank you very much,
Chappy Williams, Broughty Ferry Correspondent
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From: Colin Jackson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Chappy
Hello Bob,
Your friend Chappy has sent me the questions for the newspaper. Do you want me to answer them in a way that will suit you?
Colin
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From: Bob Servant
To: Colin Jackson
Subject: Re: Chappy
Hello Colin,
That’s all fine. just send the answers directly to Chappy. Speak to you later. I’m waiting for the woman at the post office to phone me back about this money transfer but she’s probably doing her bloody nails or something.
Bob
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From: Colin Jackson
To: Chappy Williams
Subject: ANSWERS
Thanks Chappy if you need more information on me you know how to get to me. Tell Bob that I am very grateful for this interview and I am looking forward to read the paper.
Thanks and have a nice day.
Colin
How long have you been an artist and what was it that made you start?
My Dad was an artist and I grow up living with my Dad. It became part of me but I can say that when I officially opened up to the world as a painter was in 1995 when I inherited his studio and became officially know as painter Colin…lol. So I will say that I have been a painter for about 12 years now.
Bob said that you think in pictures can you please explain this?
Well as a painter I actually think in pictures because everything I see around me I imagine them in painting and how they will look if they painted in pictures, so I really imagine a lot of things in paintings especially when I am at work in my studio. I think in pictures as Bob says.
How did you meet Bob?
Well I met Bob on the internet while I was looking for a representative. Bob got my mail and replied asking to see some of my paintings. He grow interest in me and since then I and Bob have been good friends because he is fun talking to and also a caring fellow to know.
You are doing a painting of Bob in a boat, is it true that he was a captain in the Merchant Navy?
Yes I am doing a painting of Bob in Bob’s Beauty. For as long as I have been talking to him I know him as Captain Bob because from the day I met him he told me he was a captain in the merchant navy and I believe he is a captain, so if I am asked if Bob is a captain I will say yes.
Do you think he is handsome?
Yes Bob must have been handsome when he was younger because he has worked hard in his jobs to earn a lot of money and so would have got fit along the way. With his good jokes also you can imagine how good he would been with women? I just think the skirts would have been on cue for Bob at his young days! Yes he is a handsome man!
What is your favourite thing about Bob?
My favourite thing about Bob is that he sounds like a good man and I am always pleased to read his mails because he is usually interesting in his writing. Bob must be fun being around.
If you weren’t a painter then what do you think you would be?
I would have loved to be an international journalist.
As a painter, who is your favourite cartoon character?
My favourite cartoon is Tom and Jerry and Pink and the Brain.
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From: Chappy Williams
To: Colin Jackson
Subject: Thank You
Thanks very much Colin,
I loved the Tom and Jerry joke! The story is all filed and I think it is very funny.
I hope you and Bob enjoy it,
All the best,
Chappy
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From: Bob Servant
To: Colin Jackson
Subject: TOM AND FUCKING JERRY?
Colin,
What are you playing at?! Have you seen the Telegraph? What were you thinking? I never said anything about Tom and Jerry, I don’t even like the bloody programme.
I’ve been getting absolute pelters all day. People keep giving it ‘Ooh, Jerry, where’s Colin?’ And what’s all this bollocks about you thinking I’m so handsome? We come across as a right couple of oddballs. By Christ, you’ve made me look like a complete idiot. Why the hell would I say that we’re the new Tom and Jerry. What does that even mean, they were in a fucking cartoon for a start? I wouldn’t know where to begin.
I am absolutely furious about this Colin.
Bob
Dundee Evening Telegraph
Broughty Ferry News 25-02-07
Filed 25.02.07 by Chappy Williams, Broughty Ferry Correspondent
WE’RE LIKE TOM AND JERRY, SAYS PAINTER ABOUT BROUGHTY FERRY MAN
An internationally known artist who has been commissioned by Broughty Ferry resident Bob Servant to produce a portrait has bizarrely claimed that the two of them are the ‘new Tom and Jerry’.
Colin Jackson, an English painter who was inspired by his father to pick up the brush back in the 1990s, contacted Servant through the Internet and the two of them hit it off immediately.
‘I am always pleased to read Bob’s e-mails,’ says Jackson, ‘because he is usually interesting. Bob must have been a handsome young man, because from the recent pictures he sent me he still looks great, so you can imagine how good he would have been if he was younger?’
It was while e-mailing each other about the painting, which is to show Servant on board a ship called Bob’s Beauty from his long career in the Merchant Navy, that Jackson claims the two of them decided that they could be the modern-day incarnation of Walt Disney’s much loved cartoon duo.
‘It was Bob’s idea,’ says Jackson. ‘We both love Tom and Jerry, and h
e suggested that we could make ourselves like them. He said the world is crying out for a new Tom and Jerry and we would be perfect for the job. I’m not sure how we’re going to make ourselves the new Tom and Jerry, because they were cartoon characters but, knowing Bob as I do, he’ll have something up his sleeve!’
However, when contacted by the Evening Telegraph today, Servant claimed he had no knowledge of the Tom and Jerry plan. ‘This is news to me,’ he said from Doc Ferry’s public bar.26
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From: Colin Jackson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Re: TOM AND FUCKING JERRY?
Hello Bob,
Whats all this about? I only said I liked Tom and Jerry not you so I think your friend Williams should be confronted not me. So i don’t see any reason why you should be harassing me like i am some kind of toy or something like that.
Colin
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From: Bob Servant
To: Colin Jackson
Subject: I am sorry Colin but this is goodbye
Colin,
I have spoken to Chappy and he is sticking to his story. The last few days have been a complete nightmare and I have been turned into a laughing stock by the Tom and Jerry story. The local radio station had a phone-in yesterday on the matter and the resounding opinion was that I was a basket case.
A taxi driver phoned in from the Seagate rank in Dundee and said that he’d just seen me chasing a mouse down the road with a rubber hammer (which was untrue) and then a woman from Monifieth called and, sounding all pleased with herself, said, “Forget Walt Disney, I think Bob Servant’s been on the Malt Whisky.”
I knew things were bad when I nipped up to the bowling club and bumped into Jimmy Walker and Bill Wood. Jimmy went to shake my hand and then said, ‘Hang on Bob, have you washed your paws?’ Then Bill said that the bar was closed so would I be able to nip through the cat flap and get them a couple of drinks? They’re both right good guys so when they have a pop you know you’re in trouble.
I am sorry Thomas but under the circumstances I cannot take the painting from you. I just want to forget about the whole matter. I do not hold any grudge against you, it’s just one of those things. Best of luck for the future,
Yours,
Bob Servant
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No Reply
18. Bob is presumably referring, erroneously, to a 1994 edition of Animal Hospital, presented by Rolf Harris, where a German Shepherd called Floss was put down on medical grounds. Far from being involved in the dog’s death, Harris was visibly upset by the incident.
19. At this point Mr Jackson provided a wonderful photo of a harbour scene but the image was badly corrupted. When I informed Bob of this he responded that he had some photos at home that were ‘a lot more corrupt than that’. This was an observation that Bob found so amusing I momentarily thought he might choke to death on his sandwich.
20. I think, for Bob’s sake, I should confirm that this incident did not occur. He did apply for the Merchant Navy in 1975 but never heard back from them. He believes this was due to the fact that he included a nude photo with his application to demonstrate his physical prowess.
21. Here Mr Jackson kindly sent a photo of a contented-looking gentleman looking out with binoculars at a sunset from a ship’s bridge. An action, I should say, that I have always been led to believe could lead to instant blindness. Anyway, the photo contains certain identifiable aspects and I have therefore reluctantly removed it.
22. Stewpot’s Bar in Broughty Ferry has never employed a barmaid that behaves in such a manner. ‘More’s the pity,’ said Stewpot when I asked him.
23. At this point Mr Jackson supplied several photos of an artist working in a studio. The images have been removed for legal reasons. They’re perfectly pleasant shots, they’re just very unlikely to feature Mr Jackson.
24. No Chappy Williams has ever been employed by the Evening Telegraph, nor has the paper ever had a ‘Broughty Ferry correspondent’.
25. The suggestion that the deputy editor of the Evening Telegraph would hand out an editorial posting to clear a gambling debt is outrageous and has no basis whatsoever in fact.
26. This article is nowhere to be found in the records of the Evening Telegraph for the date given or, indeed, any date in the paper’s history. I am very confident in declaring that it was Bob, and not Chappy Williams, who was the author of this piece of fiction.
6
Olga, Sasha and the Jamaica Lakers
From: Olga
To: Bob Servant
Subject: From Olga
Hello,
Firstly I want to thank you for reading my email! I want to say I look for someone who is looking for love! My name is olga goldovsky. I am 28, a person who loves to joke, attractive, suave and caring. I can be brave and fearless. I live in a wonderful part of our Earth named Chelyabinsk, in ural Mountains. My parents died when I was 10 in car crash and my grandma brought me up. What else… My favourite color is white, color of innocence. My favourite flowers are white lilies and I wish that on my wedding day. In the end I want to say I sincerely want to know you better and hope you want the same.
Best wishes, Olga.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Olga
Subject: Howdy
Olga,
What a welcome surprise. Tell me - are you athletic? Do you have any statistics (just basic stuff - 100m, hurdles, javelin) that you could offer in evidence? This is very important,
Your Servant,
Bob Servant
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From: Olga
To: Bob Servant
Subject: From Olga
How are you dear Bob?
I am fine and very glad you answered. It is a real pleasure to receive your letter. I get the feeling we will hit off. This is the first attempt by me to use this medium to find a soul mate, and it is certainly the last because I find a “gold mine” whose other name is yours (smile). I will have no other man in my life except you. I want to know your mysteries and desires. I’m sincere with you and I’d like to devote my life to you, to give you my soul and body.
With kisses,
Olga
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From: Bob Servant
To: Olga
Subject: Wotcha
Olga,
You are a wonderful woman, with a great smile and a winning personality but we have a problem. In the previous email I asked you a question you did not answer. If you want to be my wife then it is vital that you listen to me otherwise the whole house of cards will collapse directly into our eyeballs.
Bob
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From: Olga
To: Bob Servant
Subject: From Olga
My dear Bob,
Dear telling the truth I didn’t understand exactly your question but if it is about sport I want to say that I am not fond of sport. But you have made my day a lot better after knowing that you are attracted to me and that you would like to get to know me. I dream often about having my own house but it is very expensive to do so. In the end of my letter it is true to say that I am looking for full commitment, friendship and romance from you.
With tender thoughts,
Olga
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From: Bob Servant
To: Olga
Subject: Your homeowning dream
Olga,
Sorry to hear about your problems getting on the property ladder. I took the liberty of investigating this for you and have found this article. www.regnum.ru/english/1059675.html
As you will see, Vladimir Dyatlov (the deputy governor in charge for economy, construction and infrastructure of Chelyabinsk Region, as if I need to tell you) is making some very positive noises about local housing costs.27
/> I think if you sit tight, things will definitely loosen up as part of the credit crunch. Prices are fairly tumbling here. Nervous Norrie reckons his caravan is losing twenty pounds a week.
Bob
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From: Olga
To: Bob Servant
Subject: From Olga
Hello darling Bob!
Thank you once again for writing back to me, I so enjoy receiving your letters. The economy has not let me buy a house even with these troubles but let us not talk too much about houses because I am so happy that our attraction to one another is mutual. My feelings for you seem to be growing more and more with each passing day! I look forward to what the future will bring! You are the man I have been searching for my whole life. I am so excited about building a life together with you,
Olga.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Olga
Subject: Don’t give up that easily.
Olga,
I’ll be honest, I’m surprised at just how forcefully you are throwing yourself into this relationship but you’re such a cracking piece of skirt that you won’t be getting any arguments from old Bobby Boy. I think you are giving up a little easily on the housing issue. Perhaps you should alert the local paper. It looks like the biggest paper in Chelyabinsk is Vyecherny Chelyabinsk. I strongly suggest you contact them and volunteer to write a dramatic first person account of your problems –
“My housing heartache by Olga Goldovsky”.
Or the more lighthearted –
“Knock Knock. Who’s there? Olga Goldovsky and I’d Like to Buy a House But I Can’t”.
Please send me a link to the article when it’s published. I’ll see if the Broughty Ferry Gazette will carry a Scottish version. Christ only knows who’ll translate it. There’s a few Polish boys putting a new roof on the chemists in Queen Street, I could ask them?