Delete This at Your Peril
Page 10
Bob
PS Nice couch.
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From: Olga
To: Bob Servant
Subject: From “Lotos”
Dear Sir,
We inform you that Olga is our client. She uses our Internet and translation services but unfortunately she cannot reply to your last letter due to lack of funds. She wants you know that she is very interested in you and further correspondence. If you wish to continue your intercourse with Olga we can send you the information about our services and prices in order to proceed.
Respectfully,
Principal of “Lotos”
Sasha Malikov
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From: Bob Servant
To: Olga
Subject: Hi Sasha
Sasha,
Thanks for getting in touch and pass on my best wishes to Olga. I must say, it’s very decent of her to let you use her email address. Sasha, I would like you to help me. Man to man. Olga is top drawer but is she as good as she seems? She says she loves me, which is obviously fantastic news, but I just worry that she’s getting too carried away. Please can you help me with these questions –
1.) Olga seems to be both obsessed and also clearly frightened by houses. Did a house once do something bad to her? Maybe she was electrocuted by a door bell or got her hand trapped in a letter box?
2.) Is Olga as beautiful as she looks in the photos?
3.) Is she honest?
4.) How large are her hands? (It is hard to see in the photos)
Many thanks,
Bob Servant
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From: Olga
To: Bob Servant
Subject: From “Lotos”
Dear Sir,
Thanks. I can see Olga’s sincere interest in you and her willingness to communicate with you. Olga tells me she does not care for houses this was misunderstanding on your part. Olga is indeed very beautiful as you will have seen and she is really an honest girl and truly wants to find her second half. As for your other question Olga has hands as beautiful as herself. So if you are interested in her let us know.
Respectfully,
“Lotos”.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Olga
Subject: Do I look cool in the pool?
Sasha,
You have really put my mind at rest, especially with regards to her hands. This is extremely important because my ex-wife had hands like shovels and it drove me round the fucking bend. They’d flap about like no-one’s business and were always getting trapped in things and becoming all red and cut up. If she ruffled my hair it was like I was being attacked by a monster and when she got to grips with the old boy it was like being pleasured by a fairground worker.
I am now 98% sure that Olga is honest and just trying to make her way through the jungle. As, of course, am I. I have attached a photo. It shows me lounging in my swimming pool in Broughty Ferry. What do you think? If I look ugly then DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES show it to Olga. If I look spunky then pass it on. By Christ I hope she likes it. Tell her that they’re only my third best pair of trunks. And say that my belly is sticking out because of the way I’m lying. And tell her that I’ve been doing a lot of weightlifting since then.
Yours,
Bob
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From: Olga
To: Bob Servant
Subject: From “Lotos”
Dear Sir,
I can see you are honest and truthful and sincerely interested in Olga. As for your photos, my opinion is you look very attractive. I think that Olga would be glad. She is impatiently waiting for your communication. The services we provide are
one month of unlimited correspondence - 200 USD;
two months of unlimited correspondence - 350 USD;
three months of unlimited correspondence - 500 uSD.
We also provide unlimited translation, printing photos for your lady and scanning your lady’s photos. You make payment via Western union. When your account is filled you can write to your lady and get responses.
Respectfully,
Principal of “Lotos”,
Sasha Malikov.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Olga
Subject: Great News
Sasha,
I’m getting excited. Olga is an absolute gem, isn’t she? A real Russian Revelation. A Moscow Majesty. Putin’s Peach! Thanks for talking me through your packages. I would love to keep my communication with Olga ticking over. I hope we can talk more and maybe even discuss her coming to live with me in Scotland. But please do not tell her that bit yet, I want to surprise her. There is one more thing however, that I have to ask you. I need to show you something but I need you to promise not to show Olga.
Do you promise?
Bob
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From: Olga
To: Bob Servant
Subject: From “Lotos”
Dear Sir,
Don’t be offended but we have a lot of clients at the firm and I can’t pay enough attention for your letters and my answers. Moreover Olga comes to the firm every day and asks whether you write. If you wish to continue your correspondence you should pay our fees.
Respectfully,
Sasha Malikov,
“Lotos”.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Olga
Subject: Treat me with Respect
Sasha,
I have to say I’m a little angry with you. Of course I want to continue my communication with Olga, I have already said that I may be falling in love with the bloody woman. But first I needed to ask you some questions, Mano-a-Mano, to help me decide if she is the one.
You are acting as if you are worried I will not pay. Sasha, do I really have to remind you about Dundee’s Cheese Burger Wars of 1988-89? You must remember the coverage, it was on North Tonight every day for a month. Well, remember the spokesman for the Cheese Burger Van Owners (CHEBUVAO) that was on most nights? The dashing man in the bunnet, sometimes just credited as ‘Cheese Burger Tycoon’? He said things like –
“The public want cheeseburgers and I am giving them cheeseburgers,”
“I’m making money but I’m also making happiness. And that’s the important thing, as well as the money,”
and, “The council are fannies”?
Well Sasha, that was me. You might also have caught the North Tonight Special Report with that stitch-up of a debate.28 They beam North Tonight out to the boys on the rigs so it might have made it to Russia. Anyway, the end result of those years was me sitting on more cash than you would believe. Fair enough, the boo boys would say that I blew some of it. The Topless Dentists idea cost me a small fortune, I’m man enough to admit that.
But don’t forget the windowcleaning. In the early 90s I had the largest window cleaning round in Western Europe. Maybe you had something better behind the Iron Curtain, and if so I hold my hands up, but what I’m saying Sasha is give me the respect that my achievements deserve. I attach a photo of my wallet.
Bob
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From: Olga
To: Bob Servant
Subject: From “Lotos”
Dear Bob,
I didn’t want to offend you I just wanted to explain my situation. I might have seen this TV programme. Of course you can share your thoughts with me. I understand your feelings that you want to take the right decision concerning Olga. So I want to let you know that you can ask me any question you want and it will stay confidential. I promise.
Sasha Malikov.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Olga
Subject: Apology Accepted
Sasha,
OK, I am just going to tell you. I BEG YOU not to tell Olga until we’ve worked out the best way forward. Sasha, I am a man without a sword. I have no thingy. It all happened two years ago. I’d been up all night, drinking in the garden (it was the summer) and trying to build a tree house with my old rabbit hutch. Frank Theplank was there for a bit but I told him to leave because all he brought to the party was two cans of Kestrel and a Curly Wurly.
Come morning I was fairly gone, shouting army stuff and running round the place dressed only in my vest. I made an assault course using my Superman duvet (tunnelling net), Christmas tree lights (limbo challenge), all my forks (pit made by Cannibals that I had to jump over) and tennis balls - I would throw them at the wall and had to dodge them when they bounced off. I called that Alien Attack but it wasn’t really that good.
I decided that the front gate should be the winning post for the assault course and after a few attempts was sitting at 2 minutes and 5 seconds as my record. I decided that I could take things up a gear. Sasha, the number of times that I wish that I had not made that decision - that my stupid pride had let me sit tight at 2 minutes, 5 seconds. No-one was going to beat that.
But I went for it. I flew under that duvet like a man possessed, nearly broke my bloody spine on the limbo, cleared the Cannibal’s forks by a yard and the Aliens didn’t even get close with their laser tennis balls. Then I set off for the front gate. I felt like I was in Chariots of Fire with the wind running through my hair and over my innocently exposed genitals.
I got through the gate with my arms raised skywards but as I did so I stumbled on the step. As I fell that I saw the paperboy speeding along the pavement on his bike. He swerved as I fell sideways into him and I’ll never forget our eyes locking just for a moment as my old boy - poor little Bobby Junior, swung into his rotating spokes.
The pain, Sasha, was like nothing I could describe. A milkman told me a few months later they had heard my scream from the Forthill Dairy, half a mile away. But what’s worse is how it left me. A soldier without a gun. A shepherd without a dog. A cowboy without a horse.29 Oh, Sasha. Whatever will Olga think? I would attach a photo, but I don’t want to put you off your lunch.
Yours in hope,
Bob “No Nob” Servant
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From: Olga
To: Bob Servant
Subject: From “Lotos”
Dear Bob,
I read your letter. I promise that I won’t tell Olga and it will stay between us. As a man I understand what a great trouble this truly is. There is no problem without answer and there are some modern methods to help. Moreover I think Olga is more interested in your inner world.
I think true and sincere love will overcome all obstacles and you shouldn’t worry. Olga is a very kind, understanding and caring person and she is able to understand you. But I promise not to tell Olga, it is your right to tell her. I will help you with my advice or anything else you need. Are you ready to open your account?
Sincerely,
Sasha Malikov.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Olga
Subject: Do you think I should buy one of these three?
Sasha,
Thank you Sasha, from the bottom of my (Tony) heart, for those words that make me feel like crying hot tears of gratitude. I can’t tell you how difficult it’s been since I lost Bobby Junior in the paperboy’s bike. I cannot consider surgery at my age so I’ve been thinking about some sort of artificial replacement.
I have attached photos of three possibilities. Let me know your thoughts. The first one looks like a serious bit of kit and it clearly wouldn’t fit down my pants. I’d have to carry it in the pocket of a long jacket or maybe a shopping bag. But you can’t exactly go carrying about a shopping bag with a mechanical cock in it can you? Certainly not anywhere there might be children, or down at the swimming baths.
The second would work well stuffed down my pants but I’d have to warm it up first. The third is interesting. It looks useful in the bedroom and also good fun to play with. I am waiting for your thoughts. I find it hard to talk to other men about this because they’d take the piss. If the boys down at Stewpot’s got hold of this I’d be finished. I hope Olga is well, I have been thinking about her and looking at those wonderful photographs. The ones of her that is, not the photos of the false cocks.
Yours Respectfully,
Bob
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From: Olga
To: Bob Servant
Subject: From “Lotos”
Bob,
I thought a lot about your problem and these artificial options. Unfortunately I can’t advise you anything. You should discuss all this with Olga as it will affect her directly. Please look to create funds in your account as this is something you must discuss with her soon.
Respectfully,
“Lotos”.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Olga
Subject: Let’s test her Sasha….
Sasha,
I’ve an idea. Could you speak to Olga and pretend to tell her about a friend of yours who does not have an old boy because of an accident he was in? Of course, you’re talking about me, but this way we can test her reaction. Just say it’s a Russian friend, maybe call him Boris or something?
If you start, “Olga, did I ever tell you about my friend Boris? The funniest thing happened to him….”, and then take it from there.
Be very laidback and HOPEFULLY she will be chilled out about it also. If she reacts as if this would be a problem and she, as a woman, would want nothing to do with Boris then we will have hit a brick wall. However, it would be best to find out as I’m sure you wouldn’t want me to waste my money otherwise. Praying for a positive reaction,
Bob
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From: Olga
To: Bob Servant
Subject: From “Lotos”
Bob,
I have some news. Olga came asking about you. It was an opportunity to talk. I chose my words carefully and told her about a friend with such problem. I told it so it was not about you. She listened very attentively. After finishing my story she said that she has a girlfriend who’s boyfriend has the same problems.
Olga told me her girlfriend loves her boyfriend and it doesn’t matter whether he has “the thing” or not. Olga also told her attitude. She said the main thing in relations is mutual understanding and love. If a couple has this nothing else matters and they overcome everything. She will confirm this I am sure when you place funds in your account.
Sasha.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Olga
Subject: Great Stuff
That is really good news. Is there any way you could get me the email address of the Russian guy who also lost his pecker? I’d love to swap war stories and hopes for the future.
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From: Olga
To: Bob Servant
Subject: From “Lotos”
Bob,
No I cannot that would not be fair. Bob, I cannot talk to you any more if you do not choose a package and send funds. It is not fair on the other customers. Send money today even $50 to get started. You deserve it with everything that has happened to you. But do not hesitate too long as you must remember a woman has many admirers. There is an English man who wants to take Olga on vacation already.
Sasha.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Olga
Subject: English thief
You what?! Where’s he taking her? The cheeky bastard. You’d better warn him off Sasha I’m serious. I know people down there. Chappy has a cousin in Birmingham who knows ju-jitsu.
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From: Olga
To: Bob Servant
Subject: From “Lotos”
He is talking about taking her to Jamaica. If you are quick and pay money into your account I can talk her into staying and coming to your country if you add money enough for air fare.
Sasha
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From: Bob Servant
To: Olga
Subject: TELL HER TO STAY RIGHT THERE
Sasha,
Do you both have valid passports? I have a plan. Tell the English boy to sling his hook.
Bob
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From: Olga
To: Bob Servant
Subject: From Sasha
Bob,
How are you? Olga asked about you. As for the passports, yes we have them. Olga asked if you send air fare for her to come and visit. Otherwise I do not know how much I can do to stop her going on vacation with this English client. Why do you ask about passports? Can you send even $50 to open your account?
Sasha.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Olga
Subject: OK, here is my plan
Sasha,
This is going to knock your socks off. I want you AND Olga to come to Scotland. I really, really like you Sasha and I think the three of us make a good team. Once you’re both here, this is what we’re going to do. We are going to form a business called
BIG BOBBY BOY AND THE JAMAICA LAKERS.
There’s two main reasons for this Sasha. The first is that I can’t get this English bigshot out my head. I’m not a jealous man but I don’t want Olga to arrive in Broughty Ferry and have just a tiny bit of her saying, ‘“Fuck me, I wish I was in Jamaica”. So I’m going to bring Jamaica to her. Secondly, we’re going to have to keep ourselves busy or we’ll start to annoy each other and I know you and Olga are two people who would always want to work for a living and aren’t interested in handouts.
Let me tell you about the business. There’s some people in Broughty Ferry with big houses and gardens and I think a lot of them would be interested in having a small Jamaica Lake installed. What’s a Jamaica Lake? I’ll tell you. A Jamaica Lake Sasha, is fun. That’s all, just fun.
I’m sure you and Olga will have your own views on what the lakes should look like. My initial thoughts are that we could shape them like a big thumbs up and/or have rocks that are actually speakers and played Chaka Demus and the Pliers whenever anyone comes within ten yards and says ‘Jamaica?’ in a clear voice. If you didn’t have that voice code in place then the music would be set off by the postie in the morning and cats and foxes at night.