18 Things

by Jamie Ayres

  I smiled. “The blue sky and the warm sun are nice, but there’s nothing I love more than you singing a song. Of course I do!”

  He looked into my eyes as he sang, and I swore I could get lost and found in him at the same time, if that made any sense.

  “While I sit here eating apples/ your love for me baffles/ my mind/ like I should push away so you can find someone refined/ But then lightning strikes/ and eighteen things change our lives/ as love rocks me like a baby/ I know that this sounds crazy/ but I wake up to birds on my window sill/ and they sing to me that this is for real/ So under the Michigan sun/ my life with you has finally begun/ even though I met you a year ago/ It took me a while to say I love you so/ But now it’s summertime/ and I’m gonna make you all mine/ we’ll carve our initials in the sand/ and I’ll brag about you to the guys in the band/ Let’s drift away out to the sea/ Cause baby you are all that I need/ in summertime.”

  Tears fell from my eyes. “That was really beautiful. Thank you.”

  He handed me a napkin, and I dried my face.

  “You’re beautiful, and you’re very welcome. You ready?”

  Standing, he held out his hand and I grabbed it, letting him pull me up.

  It’s funny how I actually felt like I was going to miss high school and being at home. I never thought I would, but this past year somehow connected me to this place in a lasting way. Still, as the sun beat down upon us in a summer scorching way, comfortingly familiar and helping us keep track of time, I knew the brightest days were ahead.

  The timer went off in Dr. Judy’s office, signaling the end of a session. When the door opened, I was surprised to see my parents walking out.

  “Mom? Dad? What are you guys doing here?”

  To my dismay, they ignored me and exited the waiting room, heading down the hospital corridor, Dad’s arm draped around Mom’s sagging shoulders.

  “They can’t hear you now,” Dr. Judy said, standing in the doorframe. “Please, come in, both of you.”

  My sneakers squeaked against the tile as I walked past her with wobbly legs. We took our seats in front of her desk, and she closed the door behind us.

  My breathing came rapidly.

  Nate placed his hand on my back, rubbing circles there, trying in vain to comfort me.

  “What’s going on?” I asked Dr. Judy as she sat in the leather chair behind her desk.

  She scooted forward, hands folded neatly on the flat mahogany surface. “Well, you two have a lot to digest during your last session today, but it’s time you learned the truth. I’ve been keeping a secret from you. A big secret.”

  Nate’s brows drew together as he looked at me and then back to Dr. Judy and said, “I’m guessing this secret isn’t a good thing?”

  She nodded. “Nate, you died in that car crash a year ago.”

  My breath caught as he squeezed my hand.

  “You’re crazy. If I’m dead, then how is she here? How are you here?”

  Leaning across the table toward me, eyes intense, she asked, “I bet Olga can answer that question. How are you here?”

  For a brief moment, I thought, leave it to a psychiatrist to answer a question with a question. But then, I got it, and I hugged myself with shaking arms, squeezing Nate’s hand harder than ever as I sobbed.

  “What? What is it?” he asked, wrapping me in a hug.

  “I never told you this.” It was difficult to get the words out even now. “I took some, some pills. Twenty of them. They were pain meds after the boating trip, after Conner died. It was an accident. I didn’t mean to die, to commit suicide or whatever.”

  He didn’t say anything for a few minutes, but I finally got the courage to look him in the eye.

  “You mean, you’re dead, too?” he asked with a trembling lip.

  Dr. Judy gave another quick nod. “Yes.”

  “Then who are you?” he asked the doctor. “You’re dead? I don’t get it. What is all this about? How have we been living our lives the past year if we’re dead?”

  She offered a sad smile. “I am your guiding spirit through the after-death purification process.”

  He rubbed a hand over his face.

  I still couldn’t stop crying.

  “The what?”

  I was just as confused as Nate. Maybe this was all a dream.

  I lost my grip on reality after Conner’s death. Maybe I never got it back. Maybe this was all in my head. But somehow, I knew she told the truth.

  Nate, however, still seemed skeptical as he bit his fingernails. I didn’t blame him. I was just numb. I was so happy not even ten minutes ago, and now, I just didn’t know how to feel.

  Staring at the picture of Grand Haven Pier behind Dr. Judy’s desk, I found myself wishing I could click my heels three times and be whisked away to a boat and sail far, far away from here. Maybe I could, if this was Heaven. But I didn’t think it was.

  Dr. Judy ran a hand through her butterscotch hair. “You both died accidentally but through your own bad choices. Olga wasn’t attempting suicide outright, but a little part of her knew she was risking death when she took those pills. No, she wasn’t actually trying to die, rather just trying to escape her pain, just like you when you decided to street race your car at one hundred miles per hour. Since you were both children of God, and because you both had people interceding for your souls on earth, God did not want to condemn you to everlasting separation between you and Him, the Creator of all things. But because you died without receiving God’s grace, love, and healing, you were not pure enough to enter Heaven.”

  Nate and I looked at each other, his mouth falling open. Tilting his head, he asked, “So, this has been purgatory? It’s real? I thought it was all just folklore.”

  Dr. Judy raised her hands in front of her and gestured around the room. “More like a form of limbo. You’re on a spiritual plane where you created your own reality, your own timeline.”

  Nate pursed his lips for a moment. “So, nothing that happened during the past year was real? It was like one big dream?”

  “Whatever happened was real to you and Olga, and that’s all that matters. You see, prayers were sent up to heaven when both of you died. People wished you could’ve gotten to live your lives because you died so young.” She trained her eyes on only me now. “You never got your driver’s license, never went on a date and had your first kiss, never graduated high school or got your hard-earned acceptance letter to college. My suggestion of a life list was an effort to take you through those experiences, and even though you and Nate were separate projects assigned to me, I was delighted when you started to work together on your healing.” She smiled, light seeming to radiate from her, as though Nate and I had made her extremely proud. “In the process, you both found love, you both received love, and finally found a way to love yourselves. You had things to work out, so you had to stay here for a while, but now you can move on. That’s what today’s session is about.”

  My shoulders slumped. Even though I should’ve been happy at this thought, something still bothered me. “What about everyone else we left behind? I mean, yay for me, I’m healed. But I was my parent’s only daughter. Do they get to move on?”

  Eyes narrowing, she said, “They’ll move on with time. They have to work out their own healing, but I’ll help them, too.”

  She twiddled her thumbs, like she was trying to figure out how best to explain things.

  I rubbed my arms. “Yeah. How does that work? You said they can’t hear me now? But they’re not in this spirit realm, right?”

  For a second, I had the sickening thought they were dead too.

  “No. For this appointment only, I let you cross over to Earth, in case you didn’t believe me … so you could see for yourselves.”

  Weaving my hands into my hair, I pulled it back into a ponytail. “So, they still look that sad, a year later?”

  She nodded, an encouraging smile on her face. “Yes, but they are getting better. You may think right now the last year was all for no
thing, but you couldn’t be further from the truth. Just as their prayers affected your afterlife, your actions during the purification process affected them too, helping them go on with their lives. Even when you were alive on Earth, there was always a spirit realm at work; you were just unaware of it then.”

  Turning away, I glanced out the window. “I want a do-over.”

  She crossed her arms over her chest. “There are no do-overs in life once you’re dead. All your friends have that YOLO saying backwards. It should be YODO because really, you live every day, but … You Only Die Once.”

  I looked at Nate. A grim expression twisted his mouth and I wondered if he was thinking what I thought. Where’s the candid camera, because this had to be a joke.

  Dr. Judy wrung her hands. “So sorry, but no do-overs. And there are no shortcuts in the after-death purification process. There are things each person must accomplish here before they can move on, and you have. Congratulations.”

  I watched Nate’s gaze travel around the room, to the couch against the wall, to the shelves filled with books and puzzles, finally to the chairs we sat in. “But why not just tell us from the start this was all fake? I mean, no one likes to feel duped, you know? Why not just tell us the situation we were in from the first time we met here?”

  Dr. Judy smiled at Nate, and Nate stared at her.

  “Those are the rules of this realm. I don’t make them, but I play by them. My guess is many wouldn’t care about their success if they knew they were dead. Just like you two at the start of this process. Many wouldn’t care about their soul at first and the risk of truly dying as a consequence of not completing their mission. Think back to the beginning—you were both very depressed spirits.”

  We all sat in silence while Dr. Judy let us digest her info dump. I clock-watched for the next five minutes, then become restless and tapped my fingers on the arm of my chair.

  “I have another question,” I told her. “When I first met Nate in the waiting room, my attraction to him was so strong, physically and emotionally. I’d been in a fog for months, which was my new normal after Conner died. I was stricken by guilt and grief, and then Nate made me wake up, so to speak. Were those really my feelings, or were you able to manipulate those feelings?”

  Rising from her chair, she almost floated to her door. “Those feelings were your own. The reason you felt them so strongly, though, is because of the realm you’re in. Now, a part of your soul is attached to his and vice versa. If one would’ve failed to accomplish their mission of love and healing during the completion of the life list, then the other would’ve failed by default. I didn’t plan it that way, but you unknowingly took that sacrifice upon yourselves when you fell in love. In my experience of being a guiding spirit, I’ve never once had this happen between two of my subjects, but my boss, who happens to be a certified angel, informed me of this. He said your two-fold connection wrapped your destinies together, like a real cosmic Romeo and Juliet love story.”

  She smiled kindly and opened the door. There was no waiting room, only a bright light.

  “Is Conner in there?” I asked, looking toward Nate, giving him an ‘I need to know’ type look—I wasn’t sure if he was the jealous type.

  Dr. Judy gave a small, pleased smile. “I knew you’d ask me that, but I’m afraid I cannot answer your question, my dear child. Conner was not my mission.”

  Nate and I sat in silence for a long time again. Well, who knows how long or short. It got very hard for me to be sure of time here, or anything else for that matter. I studied Nate in his khaki shorts and navy blue T-shirt with the picture of the cantankerous monkey I made for the band last summer. Taking hold of his hand, I marveled at how it was clean and unscarred like the rest of his body, even after flying through the windshield of his car.

  Standing, I moved blindly, without thinking, toward the light, pulling him with me. The warmth radiating from the light was so inviting.

  “Hold on. Wait a second.” Nate tugged my hand and looked at Dr. Judy. “You say we’re ready to move on, but what if I don’t feel ready?”

  Dr. Judy closed the door and then opened it again, everything happening in slow motion. The waiting room was back. “Your time in the in-between is done. Well, unless you want to become spiritual guides yourselves. Although we’ve never hired teens since they aren’t usually mature enough for what the job requires, so I’d probably have to take you in as interns or something.” She gave a light chuckle. “Anyway, I wouldn’t bother with that route. But you are free to roam the earth until midnight, saying your final goodbyes. I’ll be here when you’re ready.”

  “Where should I go first?” I asked in a rush. “I mean, how do I even say goodbye to everyone I ever cared about?”

  Dr. Judy shrugged. “I have no idea. This is your process, not mine.”

  I glared at her. For someone who was supposed to be in charge of this whole after-death purification process, she was infuriatingly vague.

  Nate advanced toward the door, took my hand, then we shuffled past another patient in the room. She didn’t seem to notice us. Once we were outside, I couldn’t find our reflections in the store windows.

  My tears were real though, and I wiped them from my face before speaking. “You know what? There were clues.”

  Nate rolled his eyes at me, a first for him. “Clues for what? That we’re really dead? You can’t be serious.”

  I closed my eyes and nodded. “No, listen. My asthma is gone, I don’t need glasses to see well, and I didn’t feel any pain when I got cut by that knife in your kitchen or when I ran into the slider at Kyle’s house. Even though we weren’t in Heaven, things must operate differently in the spiritual realm. Makes sense since our bodies aren’t real. You mentioned not having IBS anymore, remember?”

  My tone was bitter, but I couldn’t help my annoyance at the whole situation. I waited a few minutes for him to answer, and when he didn’t, I prompted him. “Remember?”

  He nodded. His eyes focused on the pavement as if he couldn’t meet mine, or didn’t want to.

  “Yeah, things are starting to make sense now.” His voice was faint, the usual confidence gone. “I mean, it was kinda too convenient how I showed up just when the Cantankerous Monkey Squad needed a singer. I was an exact fit. And how my parents just forked over five hundred dollars for your birthday necklace when I only asked as a joke. I never had any scratches after my accident, and when I floated above my body, I must’ve already been dead.”

  I paused near the discount cart outside The Bookman and spotted Nic through the window, leaning over the counter and smiling at Sean on the other side. “Yeah, I had a floating experience after I swallowed those twenty pills. I chalked it up to being high when I thought about it afterwards.”

  Still gazing into the bookstore, I watched Tammy walk toward Nic and Sean, sucking a frozen coffee drink through a straw and holding Kyle’s hand. I drew a deep breath. Tammy and I never becoming good friends was one of the hardest truths about this whole mess. It all seemed so real to me. I wondered if she and Nic became friends because of what Nate and I did in the spiritual realm or if they would’ve become close on their own.

  “You know what? I didn’t need coffee any more to stay awake this past year. I mean I still drank it because I liked it, but I didn’t rely on it like I used to. Heck, I don’t think we even need to sleep! That’s why we were such insomniacs and had all those weird dreams. And,” I added, drawing out the word and plopping down on the sidewalk curb. “Cheerleading and all those gymnastic tricks came way too easily for me. Yep, we’re definitely dead.”

  I stated the truth boldly, coldly. My voice came out bare, nothing to hide anymore.

  Nate fell down next to me then pulled me toward him, kissing my lips.

  I closed my eyes, breathing in his scent.

  After a few minutes, he stopped and gazed into my eyes. “But this, me and you, are real.”

  “Totally.” I gazed over his shoulder, into the distance, for a long ti
me. “What do you think Dr. Judy meant about becoming spirit guides?”

  A heaviness rested in his limbs, making him look older. “I’m not sure. You don’t want to move on?”

  I paused, leaning back against the discount cart. It was on wheels, so my weight should’ve moved it, but it didn’t budge an inch.

  Interesting. “Um, I just … .” Am worried about Conner, but I couldn’t tell Nate that. Not now.

  He sighed before looking me directly in the eyes. “I don’t know either. I feel like the white rabbit just ran by, I chased him, fell down a hole, and ended up some place where nothing makes sense.”

  After giving a little gasp, he started to cry. I hugged him tightly and cried more earnestly than I ever had before, even more so than when Conner died.

  Nate regained his composure. “I need to go back to my hometown, see my grave. Does that sound narcissistic?”

  I shook my head.

  “Plus, this whole time I thought the other kid from the accident was okay. Now, I think he’s probably dead. It’s probably part of the reason for why I needed to go through the after-death purification process, right?”

  His eyes were blank, devoid of all hope, and I felt his heaviness on my shoulders.

  “Why didn’t you ask Dr. Judy?”

  “I was scared.” He took a deep breath, then dug into the skin around his thumbnail. “And I just need to go see for myself.”

  “I’ll come with you.”

  Nate smiled. “I knew you would, but I think it’s something I need to do myself this time. Do you understand that?”

  My mind wandered to the image of my parents walking out of Dr. Judy’s office. I nodded, looking down at my lap where our hands intertwined. Tears lingered on my nose and dripped onto my finger. After another moment of silence, I asked, “When do you want to meet back up?”

  Nate wiped the tears from around my eyes. The breeze swirled around us, bringing the fresh scent of bread from Camburn’s Bakery, and I wondered briefly what Heaven smelled like.

  “I’m not sure,” he said, pausing briefly. “My old town is three hours away. I mean, what happens if I don’t make it back in time?”