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18 Things

Page 23

by Jamie Ayres


  I shrugged. “Maybe you just get caught up in a whirlwind to Heaven? I remember reading about Elijah going that way in the Bible.”

  “I wonder if … .” He closed his eyes, hands clasped in prayer. “I wish to go home.”

  He disappeared.

  “That’s very cool, God,” I said, looking up at the sky. The purity of blue and warm sunlight made me forget my worries, if only for a moment.

  I stood and peered into The Bookman a while longer, studying my friends. Deciding this wasn’t a great way to say goodbye, I decided to muster some courage and attempt to walk through the solid surface. Aside from a case of vertigo akin to a long elevator ride, there was nothing to it.

  Tammy and Nic fanned through the pages of a magazine together while Kyle and Sean talked animatedly.

  “Sometimes I feel like a geek for all the Star Wars stuff Conner brainwashed us with through the years,” Kyle said. “But then the universe drops this dude on the trolley today, going on and on about Dungeons and Dragons spells, like resurrection and mind control. And about sacrificing their mind controlled subjects for greater power. I felt like one of the cool kids.”

  “You mean you felt like me,” Tammy said, a wide, face-splitting smile on her face.

  “Ha ha ha,” Kyle faux-laughed, grabbing her frozen coffee off the counter and sucking down a huge gulp.

  “Oh my gosh! You know I hate it when people steal my caffeine.”

  Kyle held his head in his hands. “Ah, brain freeze!”

  “Serves you right,” Nic mumbled, stashing the magazine under the counter as a customer walked in.

  The group dispersed throughout the store so Nic could help the tourist locate a book. Well, I wasn’t positive the man was a tourist, but with his Grand Haven baseball cap, camera strapped around his neck, and fanny pack secure on his waist, I’d bet my life if I still had one. Anyway, I took his appearance as an opportunity to peruse The Bookman one last time, a staple of my childhood.

  Surprisingly, I discovered a mini-section on bucket list type books that I’d never seen here before. When Dr. Judy first informed me I was a dead girl, I was upset the eighteen things didn’t really happen. Like I was caught in one of the many books I’d read while working here with a really bad ending. The ones I read and thought, really? That’s how it ends? Because honestly, a fourth grader could’ve written a better conclusion than that! But when I thought about each item on the list now, I realized they really were about me and nobody else. And like Judy said, they were real to Nate and me, so I guess that was purpose enough.

  Still, I wondered about the Cantankerous Monkey Squad. Did they ever find Conner’s replacement? I wished I could use some Jedi mind trick on Sean and Kyle to find out. I sighed, deciding these questions and answers didn’t really matter. Whatever happened was meant to be and all that. Maybe they’re supposed to go to college instead of touring the country playing music. Then I thought about college and the scholarships.

  Tears filled my eyes again. I really wanted that part to be true. As I reached into my purse for a Kleenex, the bookstore’s newspaper rack caught my eye. The Grand Haven Tribune’s front page featured a story about last night’s graduation ceremony and the five recipients of the Journey Scholarship, sponsored by Mr. and Mrs. Anderson.

  I breathed in a sigh of relief and wondered if Dr. Judy had anything to do with suggesting the idea to them. The only thing left to do now was visit my parents. I took one last look at my friends, blinking my watery eyes until my vision cleared. The Jedi Order looked more beautiful and somehow more real than ever. I knew they had a bright future ahead of them.

  On my walk home, I took in every sight, every smell, and every sound … the sailboats in the water, the trees swaying in the wind, fresh mowed lawns and hot dogs on the grill, birds chirping and babies laughing, wondering if I’d miss it once I got to Heaven. Maybe Heaven had all those things, too.

  When I passed my church, I decided to stop at the cemetery behind it. Trying not to shake, I wondered if I really wanted to see my grave. About halfway across the cemetery, my knees locked and I dropped to the ground, wishing I had a friend here to hold my hand. But I knew I didn’t deserve that since I took myself from them.

  Forcing myself to get back up, my legs tightened as I practically ran to the edge of the cemetery. Beneath the shadow of trees where birds sang, I found it. I stooped to study the spotless gray granite, and my heart nearly exploded. Words were etched on its surface: Our Precious Angel. Then a short way below was my name, Olga Gay Worontzoff, and below that the dates of birth and death, October 31, 1994-April 9, 2012. Sunlight highlighted a picture of an angel with wings and a halo sleeping on a fluffy cloud underneath the date.

  If they only knew.

  The quote below the image: “You saw how the Lord your God carried you, just as one carries a child, all the way that you traveled until you reached this place.”—Deuteronomy 1:31.

  I read the words slowly, wondering how my parents picked out this particular Bible verse to rest here for all eternity. Pressing my arms hard against my chest, and I thought of the Footprints in the Sand poem hanging on the wall in my room. I should’ve let the Lord carry me through my suffering, but I didn’t. And now look where it got me, a skeleton lying in a coffin six feet under, all the people I cared about oblivious to the fact of where I actually was.

  Nothing could’ve prepared me for the awfulness of seeing my own grave. I took in deep, sharp gulps of fresh air, trying to steady myself, gripping the grass so hard my knuckles turned white. Or maybe they were white because I was a ghost.

  I couldn’t shake the feeling that Dr. Judy should’ve told Nate and me about already being dead as we completed the list, so this wouldn’t have been such a complete shock, no matter how many ‘clues’ popped up along the way. I lingered on the grass and imagined my parents and friends coming here to visit me. All the wreaths of flowers made me want to puke. I stood, frowning and trying not to cry again, wishing I never came to the cemetery.

  Next to my headstone stood the faded graves of my maternal grandparents. The plot on the other side was empty, and I guessed it was most likely reserved for my parents. Most certainly, they’d go straight to Heaven.

  If I stayed in the in-between, would I ever see them again? I turned around, feeling as if something heavy pressed on my chest, the same sensation I felt after Conner died, a grief that had actually weighed so much on my heart it broke. I didn’t think I could stand another moment here.

  My whole body was stiff as I ran back through the cemetery, down the sidewalks of town, my breathing shallow and beads of sweat dripping down my face. But I didn’t stop, and I never looked back.

  When I finally reached my apartment building, I was shocked to find the front door locked. In all my eighteen—well, I guess seventeen and a half—years on Earth, I didn’t recall my parents ever locking the door.

  I walked around the back and found Dad grilling on the porch, his garden full of tomatoes and corn plants. I pat the wet soil, admiring Dad’s work. I’d never know if I inherited Dad’s green thumb or not.

  Sitting on the metal chair, I was relieved I didn’t fall through it.

  “Daddy,” I said aloud, even though I knew he couldn’t hear me. But if what I did on the spirit plane affected things here, then maybe my words now could somehow get through to him. I prayed they did. “I know I hurt you badly. I should have gone to you and Mom and God with my problems, but instead I made a stupid decision in the moment. I hope you know I didn’t take my life on purpose. I would never do that to you, but somehow I did. I pray you can forgive me. I pray you find the strength and courage to keep moving on with your lives. I’ll miss you, Daddy.”

  I stood, then kissed him on the cheek.

  He brushed the side of his face as if he felt my touch, then raised his hand toward the sky and looked up. “I miss my baby girl, God.”

  A single tear fell. He wiped the side of his face again, opened the grill, flipped the steaks, then
headed inside.

  Fresh pain washed over me as I followed him, and after he slumped down in his reclining chair in the living room, I searched for Mom. In my room, she sorted my things into boxes. One was labeled trash, another one donations, and a third one storage. She was on the carpet next to the storage box, flipping through the scrapbook Nic helped me make the week after Conner died, the one Mr. and Mrs. Anderson set out at his funeral.

  Lots of tears flowed freely from Mom’s eyes.

  I squatted next to her, laid a hand on her shoulder, and did the only thing I could at this point. “Lord, give her your peace that transcends all understanding. Help her to let go of any guilt she may be holding onto about what she could have or should have done. Help her to rest in the knowledge you are God. Reveal to her the possibilities of lists for her own life, and help her accomplish things I’ll never be able to.”

  I watched her trace over the words of a quote by Victor Hugo I wrote in the scrapbook. “Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake.”

  Dad came in and knelt down beside her, then they embraced.

  “Steaks are ready.”

  They both laughed, maybe at the absurdity of how life goes on.

  Out of nowhere, Nate appeared by my side.

  I smiled for him, even though I wanted to curl up on the floor and cry with my parents. “How’d you get in here?”

  He shrugged. “I thought it, and it happened.” He took in the scene. “Everything okay here?”

  I hesitated as I looked around one more time to the worn-out carpet I played on, the desk and swivel chair I spent so much time studying in, the shelves crammed with old books that beckoned to me on rainy and snowy days. “No, but it will be. I don’t belong here anymore though.”

  After giving my parents one last hug, I grabbed hold of Nate’s hand and led him to the living room. “So how do we get out of here? Walk through doors or just wish to go to Dr. Judy’s office?”

  Nate was unnaturally still and not answering my question.

  I chewed on my lip. The realization of what Nate probably discovered on his trip gradually settled over me. “Hey, are you okay? Did—”

  “You want to know how I am?” His eyes widened with terror. “I am horrible. I am ripped apart. I’m broken. And not because of me. Not because I’m dead. But because I killed someone else.” He took a deep, pained breath. “And I know I’ve spent the past year telling you to let go of your guilt, but that’s different. Your actions really didn’t cause the death of another human being, mine did.”

  Tugging him, I forced him to sit on our lumpy couch. “No, you didn’t. You didn’t force that kid to race you. You both played an equal part.”

  He yanked away from me. “Then why isn’t he going through the after-death purification process?”

  Silence. I stared out the window toward the pond, the ducks coming in for a landing. “Maybe he is somewhere else. Everyone has different realities. I think the number one lesson we learned from today is we really don’t know anything.”

  Nate squirmed in his spot then stood up again, choking back tears. “Well, it doesn’t matter. I’ve made up my mind. I’m not ready to move on. I want to help others through the after-death purification process. I don’t want this to be for nothing, for this past year to be a waste of time. If I can help someone else, I have to do it. But I’ll understand if you want to move on with Conner instead of staying with me.”

  I nodded and sighed, because I wasn’t even sure if Conner ‘moved on.’ And I wasn’t sure how I felt about being a ‘waste of time’ either, so I logged the statement away to argue about later, on a day when Nate and I weren’t just handed the biggest plot twist since the final episode of LOST.

  Mom and Dad walked toward the kitchen for dinner, shattering any pity party I thought about having for myself.

  God, I’ll miss them so much.

  I looked for a long moment into Nate’s eyes, and he returned my stare. “Will you come with me to one more spot before we see Dr. Judy?”

  He grabbed my hand and I closed my eyes, then muttered a prayer.

  A second later, we stood atop one of the sand dunes, overlooking Lake Michigan. Since Conner was never buried, this was as close to his graveyard as I’d ever get. It seemed fitting this is where he died, since he was always at peace on the lake, as if God had displayed his splendor out on the water in a show just for us.

  I watched kids splash and shriek in the water, and I smiled, remembering my and Conner’s childhood together. He’d already moved on in his own way, and now I would, too. But I felt something more than nostalgia when I thought of him in my moment of silence. My breath caught unexpectedly as the sun glowed brightly against the blue waves crashing in, and I pressed my hands over my heart.

  Somehow I had this sixth sense my journey with Conner wasn’t over. I’d discover what happened to him after he died, even if it took all eternity.

  “Are you okay?” Nate frowned and curved his arm around my shoulders. “What are we doing here?”

  “Saying goodbye.”

  Leaving this place would be hard. Not taking the easy route to Heaven would be difficult, too. I knew there was only peace and life there, and who knew what kind of pain, fear, and loss we might be helping people through if we became spirit guides. But I knew Conner’s death would help me relate to the pain of others. And I knew nothing could be nearly as hard as losing Conner, or if I were to leave Nate.

  I turned my body toward his and kissed him on the lips. Even if I was dead, I felt fully alive around him.

  The truth was though, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. There were only three things I was certain of. One, if I got to pick my forever, I chose Nate. Two, I’d already lost Conner once, and if I found him again, I wouldn’t want to lose him twice. And three, I’d risk my own soul for either one of them.

  This probably wasn’t a good thing.

  Turn the page for a preview of Jamie Ayres’ next book,

  With the lessons the 18 Things life list taught her engraved on her heart,

  Olga embarks on a new adventure as a spirit guide.

  But Nate wants nothing to do with the startling 18 Truths she’s discovering along the way.

  He leaves her no choice but to break every rule in the book and attempt a dangerous journey on her own.

  “For, after a certain distance, every step we take in life

  we find the ice growing thinner below our feet,

  and all around us and behind us

  we see our contemporaries going through.”

  —Robert Louis Stevenson

  How do you define truth? Webster’s defined truth as the opposite of falsehood, in accordance with fact or reality. Every morning when I woke up, the biggest truth I’ve ever faced landed like a grenade in my heart. I never said this when I had the chance: I loved Olga Gay Worontzoff with all my heart, soul, mind, and body.

  Okay, maybe not body because we never touched outside of platonic handholding and hugs, and usually because there were tears involved on her behalf. But I digress, which happened a lot lately since there wasn’t much to do here other than have silly conversations with myself.

  Now, where was I?

  Oh yeah. False: It’s better to keep your feelings to yourself so you don’t ruin your friendship. What a bunch of crap. I couldn’t believe I freakin’ ate a pile of that shit for twelve years!

  It was all I thought about in Juvie. No, not shit. Although maybe if I had said a few less ‘bad’ words, then maybe I wouldn’t have ended up here. But I seriously didn’t think the Big Man Upstairs cared so much about that stuff as He did people. Otherwise, He would’ve sent me straight to Hell like I probably deserved.

  See … I digressed again. We artsy types tended to have the attention spans of fruit bats on crack. Once, when I was still alive and the lead singer and guitarist for the Cantankerous Monke
y Squad, a fan had turned on a pen light at the Jumpin’ Java Coffee House we were playing at, and that thing kept me busy for hours.

  But like I was saying, every morning I woke up after another weird dream that usually involved me yelling at Olga to hurry, like I was the white rabbit and she was Alice, and then it hit me again like a ton of bricks. I was dead, and I never once told Olga I loved her, was in love with her.

  And now? Too late.

  I didn’t know if she survived the freak boating accident on Lake Michigan that involved lightning and hypothermia and took my life, but even if she didn’t, she was in Heaven. I knew this because she was an angel even on Earth. But me? I was stuck in Juvie, one of the four realms of the Underworld. Juvie was reserved for teenagers like me who were undecided about the whole God thing at the time of their unfortunate demise.

  I squeezed my eyes closed, trying to shut out my agony. Here was another truth: there were tears after death, at least where I resided. My homies Sean and Kyle would probably revoke my Man Card for admitting I cried, but I figured I’ve got nothing to lose at this point. Okay, that was only half-true. I could still lose my soul.

  Even if this part of the Underworld was temporary until Judgment or whatever, there was a terrifying finality to it. I tried to focus on godly things to get me through, but Olga filled my thoughts instead. Not always the PG version either.

  Truth number three: You will regret dying a virgin.

  Most people thought I wasn’t one. In a twisted turn of feminine power events, this girl Denise, who I had dated for three weeks the beginning of junior year, an all-time record high for me, claimed we slept together after we broke up. I didn’t dispute the rumor because 1) we did get about as close as you can get to sleeping with someone without actually doing the deed, and 2) why would anyone deny something like that?

  After getting up, I paced around in the dark. It was always dark here, no light. The room spun.

  I can’t take this anymore.

 

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