The Darkness Within

by Deorre, Iris

  ‘Dam it!’ He didn’t want to face the past, but if he wanted to keep his fancy job he would have to do what he was told. It was going to be hard. Anything could happen, and the ball was only in two days. ‘God help us both.’ He swallowed back hard.

  ****

  She’d almost drank half a bottle of vodka. It was a surprise she hadn’t poisoned herself. She’d also snorted some cocaine and was ready to go into work to face the world. Her alcohol tolerance was high. Over the years she’d needed more and more to get the same effect.

  ‘I’ll see you later tonight?’ he asked at the door before parting ways.

  ‘Sure. I can’t promise I’ll be sober.’

  He kissed her. ‘You’ll be fine. We’ll be fine.’

  ‘I hope so.’ She locked the door behind them. ‘I’ve got to get going. Thank you for being here.’

  ‘You’re welcome. Are you going to be alright?’

  ‘I’ll be fine I’ve been this way for a while and if not, you’ll find me in the hospital.’ she joked.

  ‘I would like it if that didn’t happen today.’

  ‘I can’t promise.’

  ‘I know darling.’ He leaned forward and gave her a kiss. ‘You’ll do just fine.’

  The couple parted ways.

  Freya walked into the office as if she owned the world. It was hard to tell that there was vodka, cocaine and meds cruising through her veins. She felt higher than usual, but knew everything that was going around her.

  ‘Morning boss,’ said one gentleman.

  There were more greetings as she walked through the office and to her office. Bailey was by her side within seconds of spotting her.

  ‘Boss.’

  ‘Bailey.’

  They entered the office.

  ‘How are you feeling?’

  ‘Shut the door, we need to talk.’

  ‘Yes of course.’ Bailey shut the door.

  ‘Have a seat.’

  ‘Are you firing me,’ she joked.

  ‘Nope.’ She laughed as she sat on the edge of the table. ‘I want to be honest with you about something.’

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘First I want to thank you for all your help and carrying this office when I’ve been sick. I know you’ve covered for me a lot, but I want to come clean. I’m struggling with alcohol and substance abuse. I know you’ve probably known.’

  ‘Not really. I’ve had my suspicions, but I’ve kept it away from everyone else.’

  ‘I appreciate it. I’m struggling with a lot of things. I’ve never been able to open up to anyone until I met Ferguson. He makes me want to be better. When he met me I wanted to die. I have these voices in my head that won’t go away.’ She held onto her head a moment.

  ‘I’m sorry to hear this.’

  She looked up. ‘Right I’ve shared more than enough. I should be telling this to my therapist.’ She laughed.

  ‘It’s fine. I feel honoured that you shared this with me.’

  ‘Okay. Let’s talk about what’s been happening while I’ve been off and where are we with the ball arrangements.’

  Bailey got into work mode and began to update her boss on everything. Freya had two meetings that morning.

  ‘I could take over them if you’re not up to it.’

  ‘I will be fine. What else do I have today?’

  Bailey continued to tell her what was on for the day and the week. She also updated her on the ball.

  ‘So we’re all set to go?’

  ‘Yes. All guests have confirmed. Some will be sending representatives.’

  ‘With big cheques I hope.’

  ‘They always do. They want to look good.’

  ‘Indeed they do. Good work, Bailey.’

  ‘Thanks boss.’

  ‘After this ball has past we’ll sit down and discuss an increase in salary. You’ve been carrying more than your share.’

  ‘It’s not necessary.’

  ‘Yes, it is, and we’re doing it.’

  ‘Okay. Thank you.’

  The meeting was over after that. Freya had just about coped that day, but not without taking sips of vodka and snorts of cocaine. It was the only way she could cope.

  ‘Right that’s me. I shall see you tomorrow,’ she said to Bailey later that evening.

  ‘Yes see you tomorrow.’

  Chapter Seven

  She ran her hands down the black and white ball gown. She’d done enough drinking to last a lifetime. It had calmed the nerves somewhat, but she wasn’t in her right mind. The doorbell rang and she headed downstairs.

  ‘Hi,’ she said as the door flung opened.

  ‘Wow, look at you. You look amazing.’

  ‘Thank you. And you look great in that tux. Do you have my stuff?’

  ‘Yes I do.’

  She widened the door so he could come in. ‘I will be a few minutes,’ she said as she took the cocaine.

  ‘Take your time. Well not too long, you are the host.’

  ‘Yep! And that is why I need it.’ She disappeared into the downstairs toilet.

  He looked around like he normally did and waited. A few minutes later she came out looking as though she could conquer the world.

  ‘Ready?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes. Ready to face the world.’ Freya was truly ready. It seemed a lot easier with Ferguson by her side.

  ****

  So far things were flowing softly and Freya was able to keep her head above water even though she had to excuse herself from time to time. Ferguson had drifted off from time to time to be with different people. It was a place he too could make business deals, but she was always in his view. From time to time their eyes would meet in a distance, he would wink and she would smile. The more time she spent with him, she realised that maybe it was time to get that help she really needed.

  He waved from the end of the dancehall and she did the same. But just then a man approached her. Her face changed within an instant. Ferguson stood a moment not sure what was happening. The man presented her with a cheque. She held onto her throat as if she were choking and then without warning she ran out of the ballroom, the man followed. Ferguson followed too.

  She found an empty room in the building and the man entered with her.

  ‘Freya!’

  ‘Stay away from me! Leave me alone!’ she warned. She held onto her ears as if to shut out the voices. ‘Stay away. I hate you! You!’

  ‘Freya!’ He grabbed her arm.

  Just as she was about to scream, Ronald’s grip loosened and he was dragged away from her.

  ‘It’s alright darling. I’m here.’ He kicked the door shut and turned the lock with a strong grip on Ronald. ‘He won’t hurt you ever again. Did he hurt you?’

  She stood silent gripped by fear. Ferguson pressed the side of Ronald’s throat and he got weaker and weaker. He loosened the tie and wrapped it around the struggling man’s throat.

  ‘Did he hurt you?’ he asked again.

  This time she nodded. Ferguson’s grip got stronger, and Ronald tried to fight him, but he was getting weaker each second. Freya wanted to tell him to stop, but the words wouldn’t materialise. That night had returned. The night she’d been tortured and hurt by a group of university boys. The poor lit room. The smell of alcohol and cigarettes. The sounds of their voices, laughter, the words bitch, whore and that she wanted it all came flooding back. She could once again feel the ropes gnawing against her wrists and ankles, and the cold air brushing up against her naked body.

  ‘I told them to stop! I said stop! They didn’t stop! Over and over again! Oh god!’

  ‘Look at him,’ said Ferguson as he held tighter to the tie around Ronald’s neck. ‘He is paying for what he did, and I will make sure every one of the bastards are wiped off the face of the earth!’

  She watched Ronald struggle

  ‘Make him stop…Freya…. You’re nothing like this.’ Ronald pleaded for his life.

  Freya hadn’t gone to the cops, instead she’d stood in the show
er for two hours and had tried to cut her wrists.

  ‘Pleeease…’ he begged.

  Ferguson held on tighter and the more Ronald struggled. The pain he was going through was deserved. He kicked and struggled until it was game over. Ronald slid down to the floor making a loud thud. It was then reality hit her. Ronald was dead.

  ‘Oh god! You killed him!’ Her eyes widened and she knew for a fact that she wasn’t hallucinating. This was really happening. ‘Oh god! I don’t…’

  ‘He’s gone. He will never hurt you again.’ He let go of the body completely and walked towards her. For a moment she looked at him and then without thought wrapped her arms around his neck. He held her close.

  ‘Give me the names of all those men who hurt you and I will find them and deal with them. They will pay for what they did.’

  She withdrew and studied him. ‘Did you get rid of Allen. I…I can’t get a hold of him.’

  ‘He hurt you. No one hurts you and gets away with it.’

  Freya was silent for a while, while she took it all in. She didn’t know what to say, but she knew she didn’t want to be away from him. She wanted him in her life even after she knew what he’d done. He’d accepted her the way she was, it was her turn to do the same.

  ‘Oh god.’ She was back in his arms. ‘Oh god.’

  ‘We’ll be fine. I need you to try and keep it together. Go out there before people look for you and I’ll deal with this mess.’

  ‘I…’

  ‘It’s okay. I’ll deal with this. Do you need some coke to calm you down?’

  ‘No.’ She stood up. For the first time the voices had begun to die down. One of them was dead, and they’d begun to die in her head too. ‘No, I’ll be just fine.’ She smiled.

  ‘Come here.’ He pulled her before she was off and gave her a kiss. ‘I love you.’

  She smiled. ‘You do?’

  ‘I do.’ He winked. ‘Now go and host that party. I’ll deal with him.’

  She held onto her chest. She couldn’t believe Ronald was dead and that she didn’t feel any remorse that he was. She was on a different high, and she’d just told herself that Ronald had deserved it. He’d been evil to her; it was his turn to pay.

  ‘He’s coming for you,’ she said under her breath. ‘He’s coming for all of you.’ She smiled as she joined the crowd of people as if it was just another normal day.

  Chapter Eight

  They rode in the back seat of the car in silence, but held each other’s hand tight. Freya wasn’t thinking anything. Her mind was blank. How could she think when she’d just seen the man she was attracted to, strangle the life out of him. Ferguson on the other hand had two emotions running through him, exhilaration and a little worry. He worried that Freya would soon feel the effect off what had happened. He felt that things hadn’t registered yet, but when it did, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to help.

  The car finally stopped outside Freya’s home. He looked at her a moment before deciding to get out.

  ‘Would you like me to stay, or go?’ He kept his hand tight around hers.

  ‘Stay,’ she said. ‘I want you to stay.’

  He nodded. Told the driver that he’d call him when needed. They left the car and headed for the front door, their hands still clasped together. It was as if the world had shifted, as if something had changed. But the world hadn’t changed, Freya had. In more ways that she would ever know.

  Her hand shook as she tried to open the door.

  ‘Let me.’ He held her hand gently.

  She nodded and allowed him to take over the task of opening the door. It clicked opened and they stepped inside. The moment the door shut behind them, she took him into her arms. He pulled back, lifted her face and began to kiss her passionately. Freya weakened in his embrace. She wanted his hands around her as soon as possible. After the rape, Freya had never wanted another man to touch her, not ever. She never felt the reaction to become promiscuous, it was quite the opposite. Men made her feel physically ill, but as he peeled off her clothes, lifted her into his arms and carried her upstairs, she knew that this was different.

  He lay her onto the bed and for a moment admired her beautiful body. She didn’t shy away. There were no voices and there was no urge to drink, not just then. Her mind was occupied with him. She couldn’t wait to feel his hands on her body, his tongue tasting every inch of her. She wanted it. He wanted it too, it was evident in his eyes. The adrenaline was still rushing through his body; he was raring to go. He undid the bowtie while keeping his eyes fixed on her. He smiled slightly as he pulled off his shirt and finally his trousers. Freya noticed the bulge beneath the boxers. It was then that he lowered them.

  He towered over her and smiled. ‘Hi,’ he sounded so gentle as he said that. It would’ve been hard to believe that he’d just strangled a man to death.

  ‘Hi,’ she smiled back.

  ‘Are you okay?’

  She nodded, lifted her arms and wrapped them around his neck. Their lips met. His tongue dipped into her mouth. Soon they were gasping for air as each kiss took their breath away. He ran his hands down her body and she took it in. It was loving and kind, the very hands that had killed were exploring her body. He lowered and kissed her neck. She gasped as the gentle brushes of his kisses touched her. He lowered further towards her breasts and took her nipples between his teeth. She let out another cry of pleasure. He licked and teased the hardened nipple at the same time ran his hand down the side of her body.

  He ventured down to the middle of her stomach. Her stomach lifted and fell rapidly the more excited she became. He loved hearing her, the sound of her whimpers, her soft skin against his and the beautiful scent. Every sense in his body heightened and he lowered between her legs. Freya let go. It was a tender touch, nothing like the violence she’d experienced in the past. It wasn’t forced, it wasn’t demanded, Freya gave freely of herself.

  Soon their bodies united. They forgot everything and lived in the moment. The moment was blissful and passionate. It allowed her to let go and feel safe. It loosened things within her that she never thought would ever loosen up. Freya was free and it was heard in the sound of her heightened passion. Over and over again she expressed herself in a way she’d never done before.

  He rolled off and onto the side. For a moment all that was heard was the sound of heavy breathing. He moved his hand so he could find hers, took it and gave it a squeeze. She smiled as she gazed up at the ceiling.

  ‘That was great!’ she said finally.

  ‘Yes it was.’ He turned to face her. ‘It was amazing.’

  Her smile widened. This was true, but what happened now.

  ‘I need some coke,’ she said suddenly.

  He lifted, pulled the trouser from the floor and pulled out a packet. ‘Here you go.’

  ‘You don’t mind?’

  ‘Why would I mind, love.’

  She smiled. She wasn’t even sure she understood why she asked the question. ‘I’m going to go into the bathroom. I don’t want you to watch me do it.’

  He nodded. She sat up and headed for the bathroom. Freya shut the door behind her and leaned into it. She looked at the mirror ahead and saw a little twinkle in her eye. Why had this changed her? Why had she suddenly come alive? Killing was wrong and yet she was happy about it? It felt freeing, it was as if it was the only kind of therapy she needed.

  ‘Oh god!’ She shuddered. ‘Does this make me a killer?’ With that thought she snorted up the cocaine.

  ‘Hey.’ Freya walked back into the bedroom on cloud nine.

  ‘Hello beautiful. Feel better?’

  ‘I feel fantastic.’ She jumped onto the bed next to him.

  ‘Do you want to talk about what happened?’ he asked.

  She lay into the pillow and looked up at the ceiling. After a moments silence she burst into laughter. Ferguson looked over at her and wondered what was so funny, but her giggle became contagious and soon he too was laughing uncontrollably.

  ‘You killed
him. You fucking killed him.’ She snorted between laughs.

  ‘I did. I killed the bastard.’ He laughed too.

  They giggled like naughty teenagers.

  ‘He so fucking deserved it!’ She suddenly stopped laughing. ‘The things they did to me.’

  ‘You don’t have to talk about it.’ He took her hand.

  ‘I want to. When I watched him die, I felt good. I felt like things were supposed to be that way. They’d drugged my drink at a party. I’d gone to the upstairs in search of a bathroom, when Thomas, who was supposed to be a friend met me at the door. He…’ She sucked in a deep breath. ‘He took my hand and said, come with me. I asked him where we were going, but he seemed so out of it himself that his response was gibberish.’ She turned to look at Ferguson. ‘Things were moving at slow pace. The corridor seemed so narrow, and even though I was drugged up and felt a little powerless to make clear decisions, I knew what was going on. It felt like I was watching a moving and being in it at the same time. Does that make any sense?’

  ‘Yes, it makes perfect sense, darling.’ He ran a hand down the side of her cheek. Freya shut her eyes a moment and allowed his tender touch to calm her.

  ‘We entered a poorly lit room. I remember the sounds of their voices. A group of them.’

  ‘Do you remember who they were?’

  ‘I think I can. If I think deeply enough, I will be able to. It was horrible. There was the smell of booze and cigarettes. Cheap cologne and sweat. It was blurry and clear from moment to moment. I remember being tied to the bed even when I tried to protest. It was as if my voice was a million miles away. My fight was weak; I’d been weakened by the drug.’

  ‘Oh I’m so sorry.’ He took her into a hug.

  ‘They were brutal. It didn’t matter that I was hurting. All that mattered was what they got out of it. They were selfish pigs!’ She felt the anger. It was like a hammer that suddenly hit her. She wanted to lash back, hit back. Make each one of them pay for what they’d done. It was the first time she’d felt the anger. It had been suppressed, hidden away, buried so that it would never come up again, but it had. It had come up in unhealthy ways. It had produced dependency on alcohol and cocaine. And now it had shifted to murder.