Ice Dreams

by Jo Cotterill

  A sudden image flashed in front of her eyes. A fall – a crack – a cry of pain.

  ‘Stop it!’ Tania said out loud. ‘It’s not going to happen!’ She pulled herself to a standing position, and her eyes went automatically to the newspaper cuttings over the mantelpiece. TANIA TRIUMPHS! said one, underneath a photograph of a ten-year-old Tania holding a trophy and beaming from ear to ear. TANIA’S DUNN IT AGAIN! shouted a more recent one, as a thirteen-year-old Tania, with waist-length dark hair, posed for the camera in an immaculate spiral.

  Tania stared at the photos. Was that really her? She knew it had been; she could remember the days the photos were taken, but it all felt so unreal, almost as if it had happened to someone else. That little girl … the one who rushed to get up in the morning so she could be the first at the rink when it opened … the one who spent ages looking at the beautiful white boots in the windows and dreaming of sparkly costumes … the girl who raced around the rink with a beaming smile on her face just because it was all so wonderful … where was she now?

  The pictures blurred in front of Tania’s face. I can’t cry. I don’t cry. Strong people don’t cry. But there was no one watching her now. She didn’t have to pretend to herself here. The tears ran down her cheeks and dripped onto the carpet. She couldn’t even understand why she was crying. Didn’t she love skating any more? Wasn’t it what she’d always wanted to do? She was doing it, wasn’t she – so why was she so unhappy?

  It’s because it’s all going wrong, Tania told herself. Ever since – that accident. And it hadn’t even happened to her! But she’d lost her nerve; that ability to throw herself into dangerous jumps had deserted her. Now all she could think about was what might go wrong; how her body might break under the strain of a bad fall.

  But top athletes couldn’t think like that; not if they wanted to stay at the top. Surely her determination should be enough to see her through this? To fight off the nightmares? She felt angry with herself for allowing one little incident to dominate her thinking on the ice. It was six months ago now. She should be over it! Back on track!

  Tania’s eyes burned with the hot tears, but she didn’t make a sound as she stood staring at nothing. How could she admit she wasn’t enjoying skating any more? That she was too scared to jump from the ice in case she crashed into it on her way down? That the reason she kept going back, hour after hour, was because she somehow hoped that her natural ability would magically make everything better again? Brock – her parents – they’d all put so much time and effort (and money!) into her training … She owed it to them to be the best. She owed it to herself too, because if she wasn’t going to be a professional skater, what was she going to do?

  ‘Who am I if I’m not skating?’ Tania whispered to herself, but the question was too hard to answer. Skating was all she’d ever cared about. And now she was almost starting to hate it.

  As if from far away, Tania heard the phone ring. There was a murmur as her mum picked up, and then a surprised, ‘Brock! Hello. Did you want to speak to Tania?’

  Tania held her breath. She couldn’t talk to Brock now; she wouldn’t know what to say without crying. Hastily, she wiped her eyes, but after a pause her mother started speaking again, in a low tone. Tania couldn’t hear the words, but she could guess. Brock was telling Mum how worried he was about her – and Mum would be agreeing. Maybe they’d gang up on her and tell her she couldn’t go to the rink any more. Maybe …

  A wave of tiredness crashed over Tania, and the bed suddenly looked very inviting. Ignoring the quiet murmur from downstairs, she crawled gratefully onto the mattress and pulled the duvet over her head, not even bothering to get undressed. She’d just have a little rest – a few minutes to close her eyes – then she’d do some more stretching. Just a few minutes …

  Tania’s eyes closed.

  ‘You slept the whole night in your clothes?’ Libby said, staring at Tania in disbelief.

  Tania yawned. ‘I didn’t mean to. I just lay down for a bit of a rest.’

  ‘It doesn’t seem to have worked,’ said Libby critically. ‘You still look awful.’

  ‘Thanks a lot.’

  Libby grinned. ‘You know what I mean. You just look tired all the time at the moment, Tania. And Mr Craven is going to be so mad when he finds out you still haven’t finished your geography project. He was mad enough when you had to miss the field trip because of that skating competition.’

  Tania shrugged, though inside she felt guilty. ‘I can’t help it. Skating takes up all my spare time. Homework has to come second. Most of the teachers know that. It’s only Mr Craven who gets on my back all the time. Besides, I don’t even like geography. And what use is it going to be after school? I’m not going to be measuring the water levels in fields then, am I?’

  Libby assumed an expression of pretend shock. ‘You’re not? But I thought that was your ambition, to be the world’s greatest water-level measurer?’

  Tania gave a rueful laugh. ‘Oh, don’t, Libby. With the way my skating is going, that might end up being my career after all.’

  ‘Not going so well?’ said Libby, looking sympathetic. ‘I’m sorry, Tania.’

  ‘It’ll be all right,’ said Tania. ‘I just need more practice, that’s all.’

  ‘That’s not what you need,’ said Libby. ‘You need a night out with some mates. Or even a couple of hours. Come into town with me after school.’

  ‘Sorry, Lib, I can’t. I have to go to the rink.’ Tania re-did her ponytail.

  Libby sighed. ‘You never go out nowadays. It’s months since we went anywhere together.’

  ‘I know. I’m sorry. I have to spend every minute I can at the rink.’

  ‘Are you OK?’ Libby peered curiously at her. ‘I mean, is anything wrong?’

  Tania looked away. ‘Why should anything be wrong?’

  ‘I dunno. It’s just that recently you’ve got all serious and …’ Libby hesitated.

  ‘And what?’ Tania glanced up sharply.

  Libby shrugged. ‘Well – a bit boring, to tell you the truth. Don’t get mad at me! I don’t mean it like that, you know I don’t.’ She rushed on. ‘It’s only that you’ve gone all serious and withdrawn, like you’re living in your own little world. Like skating is the only thing that matters.’

  ‘But it is the only thing that matters.’

  Libby looked hurt. ‘What about me? Tania, we’ve always been such good friends. You know I haven’t minded when you go off to competitions or when you miss my birthday or stuff like that. You’ve always made it up to me afterwards. But lately …’ She flushed. ‘I hardly saw you at all over the summer. I mean, do you still want to be friends?’

  Tania stared at Libby’s crumpled face. ‘Of course I do! Lib, you’re my best friend, you know you are. I don’t know what’s happening to me at the moment.’ Suddenly a wave of sadness washed over her and she gulped. ‘Things are going really badly at the rink. I think – I think I might be losing my edge.’

  Libby opened her mouth to say, ‘Don’t be silly,’ but when she saw Tania’s despairing expression, she put her arms around her instead. ‘Hey. You’re a brilliant skater. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.’

  Tania blinked furiously. What is wrong with me? ‘It’s not getting any better,’ she mumbled. ‘And I’m practising all the time.’

  ‘I get it.’ Libby nodded. ‘No wonder you’re at the rink so much these days. But Tania, maybe you’re trying too hard? I mean, it sounds as though you want it so much, you’re overdoing it.’

  Tania pulled back. Get a grip, she told herself. You’re strong, remember? ‘No,’ she said more confidently than she felt. ‘It’ll be all right. I just need to push on through it. The extra practice will pay off.’ I hope.

  Libby patted her arm. ‘I’m sure you’re right. You’ve never got it wrong before, have you? I mean, you know what’s best for your career. But just remember I’m here too.’

  Tania smiled at her. ‘I will. And I’m sorry. Maybe I can come
out with you soon.’

  ‘That’s more like it,’ replied Libby comfortably. ‘Even championship skaters have a night off, you know.’

  Not if they want to remain championship skaters, thought Tania, but she didn’t say it aloud. Libby was her best friend and Tania knew life would be lonelier without her.

  The bell rang for the next lesson, and the girls got up. Libby grabbed Tania’s arm as a tall dark boy walked past. ‘Oh my God, it’s him. Don’t look now – no, I said don’t look! Tania, do you want to embarrass me?’

  Tania was amused. ‘Lib, if you like Connor Murphy so much, why don’t you just ask him out?’

  Libby looked as though she was going to faint. ‘Ask him out? Are you crazy? You have no idea about boys, Tan. Just you wait till you’re totally in love with someone.’

  ‘I don’t have time for anything like that,’ said Tania. ‘I need to concentrate on my skating. I can’t get distracted.’

  ‘I love being distracted,’ sighed Libby.

  When Tania arrived at the rink after school, she was surprised to be met by Brock at the door. ‘I thought I told you to have the day off?’ He sighed. ‘I knew you wouldn’t listen. Well, since you’re here … don’t put your skates on. I’ve got something to show you.’

  Mystified, Tania followed Brock through the ‘staff only’ door and down the narrow corridor to an office at the end. In all the years she’d been skating here, she’d never been into the staff area. ‘Is this yours?’ she asked, looking around at the piles of paperwork, sticky tape, skate guards and dismantled boots.

  ‘Yeah,’ said Brock. ‘I don’t like to be too tidy.’

  ‘I can see that.’

  Brock picked his way to the other side of the desk, where a large pile of brightly coloured posters was slowly edging towards the floor. He grasped one by the corners and held it up. ‘What do you think?’

  It was a poster for the Winter Ice Spectacular, held every December at the rink. ‘It’s good,’ said Tania, gazing at the colourful images, taken from last year’s show and used as a montage. She could even see a tiny image of herself in the short purple dress she had worn for her solo number.

  ‘This year’s show should be even bigger than last year’s,’ said Brock.

  ‘Right,’ said Tania, somewhat puzzled. Why was he telling her this? She had assumed she would be doing a number again this year, but Brock didn’t need to show her the poster. He could have asked her while they were downstairs.

  ‘I’ve booked you a slot,’ said Brock. ‘If you want it.’

  Tania smiled. ‘That would be great. Thanks, Brock.’

  Brock looked hard at her. ‘Don’t accept too quickly. Think about it. You know things haven’t been going so well lately.’

  Tania felt her cheeks reddening. ‘I know. But they’ll get better.’

  Brock nodded. ‘I’m sure they will. That’s why I’ve given you this slot in the show. A chance to get your teeth into something new. Maybe if you’re working towards a performance, it might help to focus you better.’

  Tania nodded enthusiastically. ‘Definitely. I could even try out something I could use for my NISA test. You know, put together an exam programme as a practice.’

  Brock shook his head. ‘This is a show, Tania, not a test. I need flashy stuff. Jumps and spins are all very well, but I need a story; a proper crowd-pleaser. More terrific than technical.’

  ‘Oh.’ Tania shrugged. ‘All right. I suppose that works better in the show.’ Inside, she felt a faint flash of relief; she wouldn’t be required to show the triple axel any time soon. Maybe a short break from working on it would be helpful for her skating.

  Brock had put the poster down and was digging around in the pile of paperwork. ‘I’ve got the programme here somewhere. Ah …’ He scrutinized the sheet. ‘Yes, I thought so. I’ve put you second from last – just before the big finale with everyone on the ice. So I need a really exciting piece from you, something to get the audience up on their feet and cheering – lead us nicely into the big finish.’

  Tania grinned. ‘No pressure then, Brock?’

  He grinned back at her. ‘It’s good to see you smile again. So you like the idea?’

  Tania shrugged, still smiling. ‘It’s your show, Brock. How can I refuse?’

  ‘Good.’ Brock handed her the sheet. ‘I’ll go and tell Zac then.’

  ‘Huh?’ Tania looked down at the programme. Second from the bottom – there was her name, Tania Dunn – but it wasn’t alone. ‘WHAT?’

  ‘Oh, didn’t I tell you?’ Brock turned in the doorway. ‘It’s a pairs slot, Tania. You’re going to be skating with Zac Maguire.’

  Chapter 3

  Zac Maguire

  ‘ZAC MAGUIRE!’ FUMED TANIA, as she stomped towards the exit. No way was she going to do her normal lesson after Brock’s announcement. She was too angry. ‘Zac Maguire!’ She was a solo skater, had always been a solo skater. It was her career! How dare Brock make her skate with someone else?

  Tania’s mother looked alarmed as her daughter got into the car with a face like thunder. ‘What happened? I got your message. I wasn’t expecting to pick you up for another hour.’

  ‘Brock just told me I have to skate with someone else!’ spluttered Tania. ‘In the Winter Ice Spectacular. He wants me to do a pairs programme. A pairs programme!’

  ‘Ah,’ said Caroline, carefully negotiating her way out of the car park. ‘This will be with that boy Zac, right?’

  Tania turned to her mother. ‘You knew about this? You knew and you didn’t tell me?’

  ‘Brock thinks it will be good for your skating,’ said Caroline calmly.

  Tania threw up her hands in exasperation. ‘How can it be good for my skating? He’s a novice! I could understand it if Brock had partnered me with someone good, someone who takes it seriously. But Zac Maguire – he’s just – just a beginner.’

  ‘Isn’t Zac the one with the spiky blond hair?’ said Caroline. ‘He always looks quite good to me.’

  ‘That’s because you know nothing about skating,’ said Tania sarcastically. Caroline bit back a retort. ‘He’s only been skating two years,’ Tania went on. ‘He can’t even do a simple spiral properly.’

  ‘I’ve seen him do jumps,’ Caroline interjected. ‘Fast, high ones.’

  ‘Yes,’ said Tania, ‘but he can’t land them properly, can he? He just throws himself into them with no kind of preparation. I’ve seen him do a perfect triple Lutz, but only by accident. The other four times I’ve seen him do it, he’s fallen on his backside – and why? Because he doesn’t have any kind of polish, any pride in his tracings. I’ve never seen him go back and look at the ice after he’s finished a spin – and yet he’s travelled halfway across the rink! How can he not care about things like that?’

  ‘Maybe he’s just having fun?’ suggested Caroline.

  ‘Fun!’ cried Tania. ‘Skating isn’t about having fun; it’s about getting it right! Pushing yourself to get better and better, not just jumping around and having a laugh. It takes time, effort, precision – what’s the point in messing around? Oh, I can’t believe Brock’s doing this to me.’ Tania made a furious noise and thumped her hand on the car door. ‘It’s going to set my training back by weeks. The show isn’t till December! That’s three months away! And I’m meant to be taking my NISA test in January.’

  ‘What did Brock say about that?’

  Tania scowled. ‘He said I could take it in the spring instead. Like it doesn’t matter, like it’s just some little test I could do any time!’

  ‘Can’t you take it in the spring then?’

  ‘Yes, I could, but why put it off?’ Tanya bit her nail. ‘The other girls are going to overtake me. I need to keep my ranking. This is just impossible.’

  Caroline took a breath. ‘I think Brock’s right. It will do you good to diversify a bit. You’re becoming too obsessed.’

  ‘Championship skaters are meant to be obsessed!’ cried Tania, incensed. ‘How do you think they b
ecome championship skaters?’

  ‘You’re not just a skater,’ said Caroline sharply. ‘You’re my daughter, and I don’t like the fact that skating is overwhelming you. If my little girl is disappearing, then I’m going to do all I can to drag her back.’

  Tania opened her mouth to reply, but Caroline went on.

  ‘No, listen to me. I don’t like the Tania you’ve become lately. You’re exhausted, you’re irritable, you’re isolated. You never go out with your friends any more, and you never talk to your father or to me. If Brock thinks this might help, then I’m willing to give it a go, whether you like it or not. And whether you like him or not. Zac, that is.’

  ‘He won’t like me,’ muttered Tania.

  ‘You don’t know that for sure,’ said Caroline.

  ‘Yes, I do,’ said Tania. ‘I bet you anything he thinks I’m a Chelsea skater.’

  ‘What’s a Chelsea skater when it’s at home?’

  Tania chewed the top of her middle finger. ‘A Chelsea skater is what people like Zac call people like me. A girl who’s had everything paid for – skates, costumes, lessons, tests. A girl who’s had every advantage when it comes to learning how to skate.’

  Caroline laughed. ‘Sounds like he’s got it right.’

  ‘No, he hasn’t got it right,’ said Tania. ‘What about talent and hard work? Hours and hours of training? You can’t get far without those things.’

  ‘Well, it sounds like Zac’s got talent all right, otherwise Brock wouldn’t have paired him with you.’

  ‘Bet he won’t put in the hours though,’ said Tania sullenly. She glared out of the window. ‘This is going to be a disaster.’

  ‘This is going to be so cool!’ Libby danced up and down. ‘Skating with a boy, how romantic! It’s just like Dancing on Ice!’

  ‘Libby, don’t be stupid. It won’t be romantic. It’ll be annoying and boring and I’ll have to do all sorts of really simple stuff because he won’t be able to do the advanced moves.’

  Libby stared. ‘I thought you told me he was a daredevil?’