Ice Dreams

by Jo Cotterill

  She bit her lip. She didn’t want Brock to be angry with her, but she had to say what was on her mind. ‘Brock,’ she said quietly as Zac practised the take-off position for the jump, ‘are you really sure about this? He’s not going to be ready at this rate.’

  ‘He’s only had a week,’ said Brock, watching Zac try the jump again. ‘Give him a chance. You didn’t get that good in a week.’

  ‘No,’ said Tania, ‘I got good in several years. We only have three months – less, now. I know what you’re trying to do, and I get it, I really do. You want me to take more risks. But I don’t think this is helping me overcome that. And he’s not going to be up to my standard by the time we get to the show. Wouldn’t it be better just to give me a solo programme?’

  Brock looked at her. ‘I thought you were fully committed to this, Tania?’

  ‘I am!’ Tania said indignantly. ‘I trust your judgement, Brock.’

  ‘Then keep on trusting. It’ll be all right.’

  Tania sighed, her eyes back on Zac. ‘I’ll try. I just get this horrible feeling it’s all going to go wrong.’

  Brock turned to look her full in the face. ‘More wrong than it already is for you?’

  Tania gulped and looked down.

  Brock paused for a moment, and then called to Zac. ‘All right, that’s enough. Come off the ice now.’

  ‘We’ve got half an hour left,’ said Zac, his cheeks flushed.

  ‘I know,’ said Brock. ‘I want you both back here in five minutes to do some off-ice work, OK?’

  ‘You could be more helpful,’ said Zac, as they headed to the lockers.

  Tania turned, her eyebrows climbing into her hair. ‘More what?’

  ‘Helpful.’ Zac pulled his bag out of the locker roughly. ‘Instead of just criticizing me all the time. Saying I’m not good enough. I can guess that’s what you were saying to Brock.’

  Tania’s cheeks flamed. ‘I wasn’t,’ she mumbled.

  ‘You were.’

  ‘Well,’ said Tania, embarrassment making her snap, ‘it’s not my fault you keep getting it wrong, is it?’

  ‘I’m doing my best,’ said Zac, teeth gritted as he unlaced his boots.

  Tania was about to retort when she caught sight of Zac’s feet. They were covered in plasters, and there was a strap on his left ankle. Her breath caught in her throat. Zac’s boots must be giving him blisters – why hadn’t he said anything? And that strap looked serious. When had he twisted his ankle?

  Tania unlaced her white boots. Her own feet weren’t without bruises and injuries either, but nothing compared with Zac’s. She wondered why on earth he didn’t simply buy a new pair – get them fitted properly. If he could afford lessons with Brock, he could surely afford new skates.

  Brock was waiting for them when they came out, and led them through a side door into a small dance studio. ‘Sorry it’s not a bit warmer,’ he said. ‘We won’t be too long.’

  ‘What are we doing in here?’ asked Tania. She had only ever used this room for warm-ups before sessions or competitions.

  ‘Lifts,’ said Brock.

  ‘Pardon?’ said Tania.

  ‘Excellent!’ said Zac.

  ‘You can’t have a pairs programme without lifts,’ said Brock.

  Tania panicked. ‘What, now? We’ve only been skating together a week!’

  ‘It’s never too early to start practising the lifts,’ Brock told her. ‘We’ll start with something really simple.’ He made Tania stand opposite Zac and instructed her to put her hands on his shoulders. ‘Now, Zac, you put your hands on Tania’s waist.’

  Tania felt a blush creeping across her face. Skating side by side with Zac was one thing, but facing him in such an intimate position was something else. Through her inner anxiety about being lifted, she was intensely aware of his strong hands circling her waist.

  ‘Good grief, you’re thin,’ said Zac. ‘Don’t you eat anything?’

  ‘Don’t complain,’ said Brock before Tania could reply. ‘Thin means light, and the lighter the better when it comes to lifts.’

  ‘Oh, I wasn’t complaining,’ said Zac. His hands tightened. ‘It’s just there’s nothing of her!’

  ‘I am here, you know,’ said Tania. Zac grinned at her. She glared back.

  ‘OK,’ said Brock. ‘Now, Tania, you bend and push up. Zac you lift her off the ground, just for a moment.’

  Tania felt flustered, but there was no option. She bent at the knees, and sprang upwards. Instantly, Zac lifted her up, and for a moment she was almost as high as the ceiling. It was an extraordinary feeling. And underneath her, Zac felt as solid as a rock. Maybe … maybe I won’t fall if he’s holding me.

  ‘Good,’ said Brock. ‘Again.’

  After that first lift, he made them try it in different positions – Tania facing away from Zac, then with one leg bent.

  ‘You’re strong,’ said Brock appreciatively. ‘That’s good.’

  Tania said nothing. The initial fear had subsided, but now something else was preying on her mind. She was acutely aware of the muscles hidden under Zac’s sweatshirt. Up to now, it hadn’t even occurred to her to wonder what his body was like under his clothes.

  ‘You all right?’ asked Zac, peering at her. ‘You look kind of hot.’

  ‘I’m fine.’ Tania said, embarrassed. Oh God, he had seen her staring at his chest! ‘Let’s do that one again.’

  ‘Try a fish dive next,’ said Brock.

  ‘A what?’ asked Zac, but Tania was familiar with fish dives.

  ‘They do them in ballet,’ she told him. ‘And often to finish the end of a pairs programme.’

  Brock showed Zac where to put his arms and how to lift her. Then Tania took up the position, front leg bent so that the pointed toe touched the knee of the back leg, which was straight out behind her. Zac swung her down in front, so that she was suspended just above the floor.

  ‘Nice,’ said Brock. ‘But watch your posture, Zac. You look more like a rugby player than a dancer.’

  ‘That’s because I am a rugby player,’ said Zac.

  ‘You need a bit more grace. Be aware of how it looks from the front.’

  ‘My arms ache,’ said Zac.

  ‘I thought you said I weighed nothing,’ said Tania, her arms still stretched out gracefully.

  ‘Yeah, well, you’re getting heavier.’ He lifted her and set her back on her feet.

  ‘Good work,’ said Brock. ‘Tomorrow we’ll try some on the ice.’

  The familiar panic rushed through Tania like a wave. Lifts on the ice! She wasn’t ready! What if she fell? Wasn’t it an accident waiting to happen? Head down, she barely heard Zac as he called out a cheerful goodbye.

  ‘Was it dreamy?’ asked Libby, her eyes unfocused.

  ‘Was what dreamy?’ asked Tania, searching through her bag. ‘I’m sure I brought my protractor. It must be at the bottom.’

  ‘Being lifted by Zac,’ said Libby. ‘Was it amazing?’

  Tania laughed. ‘You have no idea, Libby. Firstly, being lifted isn’t effortless. It can be quite uncomfortable. I mean, when Zac had his hand here’ – she pointed to her left side – ‘he was gripping really tight. I didn’t notice at the time, but afterwards it really ached.’

  ‘Was it embarrassing?’ said Libby. ‘When Brock told him to put his hands round your waist. Did you go red?’

  Fortunately, Tania was saved from answering by the maths teacher, who told them in no uncertain terms to keep quiet and get on with the task set. But Libby wasn’t going to let her off that easily. Two minutes later, a note was pushed under Tania’s nose. Libby had written: So do you fancy him then?

  Tania felt a jolt. Fancy Zac? Of course she didn’t fancy him! Frowning, she wrote the word NO and pressed so hard with her pencil that the lead snapped.

  Libby watched her write and looked up at her friend. Her expression said very clearly, ‘I don’t believe you!’

  Tania bent to her maths again, feeling cross. Libby was so single-minded!
Boys were the only thing she thought about! It was inconceivable to Libby that Tania could be skating with a boy partner and not fancy him. Honestly, thought Tania to herself, if she could be in my position, she’d know I’m only doing this because Brock thinks it’s a good idea. It doesn’t matter at all what Zac is like as a person – it’s only his skating I’m interested in.

  The fact that he has quite muscled arms … and a lot of strength … and makes sure he’s lifting me as carefully as he can … and the way that he looks at me with those eyes …

  That’s got nothing to do with anything!

  ‘Right,’ said Brock. ‘Just something simple to start with.’

  Zac reached for Tania’s hand. At the sudden contact, she jumped slightly. ‘You all right?’

  Tania, furious with herself for reacting, nodded. ‘Fine. I’m fine.’ Stop thinking about what Libby said! You do NOT fancy Zac!

  The two of them set off round the ice. At the agreed moment, Tania went into a spiral. Zac put one hand round her waist and the other under her raised leg, and he lifted her a few inches from the ice. Tania felt her whole body tense. Any confusion about her feelings was swept away by the usual chilling fear. It wasn’t anything to do with being lifted by Zac but simply the fact that both her feet were off the ice. She was completely at the mercy of her partner. Must not think about falling!

  ‘That was good,’ said Brock when Zac put her down again, ‘but Tania, you’ve got to look like you’re enjoying it. You looked like you’d just swallowed a lemon.’

  ‘I feel uncomfortable,’ said Tania, adjusting her leggings.

  ‘You will to start with,’ said Brock. ‘But more practice will help.’ He made them do the same lift over and over again, until even Tania started to relax a bit. He’s not going to drop you, she told herself. You need to trust him, remember?

  ‘You’re much easier to lift now,’ said Zac in surprise. ‘What are you doing differently?’

  Tania shrugged, but she felt pleased that he’d noticed a change. ‘Nothing special,’ she said. Just stay focused. It’s going to be all right.

  ‘OK,’ said Brock. ‘Now do the same carry again, but this time, Zac, you do a three turn whilst you’re holding Tania.’

  Tania’s eyes widened. ‘You want him to change direction while I’m off the ice?’ But that’s a lot more difficult! What if he catches an edge?

  ‘Yes,’ said Brock, holding her gaze.

  ‘OK,’ said Zac. He held out his hand to Tania. ‘Let’s give it a go.’

  Reluctantly she took his hand, but the traitorous voice in her head kept telling her this was a bad idea. He’s not ready. You’re not ready. You’ve only just got used to the forward carry; it’s too soon. Tania felt helpless. She couldn’t back out of it. She had promised Brock to be committed – she’d promised Zac too. She would have to go through with it, even though her legs felt as though they were welded to the ice.

  They approached the agreed point and Tania raised her leg in preparation, taking a shallow breath. Zac lifted her easily off the ice, and Tania felt him tense under her as he went into the three turn. The arm around her waist tightened in reflex, and then he caught his toe-pick, and for a moment Tania felt suspended between safety and disaster. It’s going to happen again! The accident … the broken bones … and there’s nothing you can do to stop it! Then the world speeded up again as they crashed to the ice, Zac’s weight falling heavily on Tania’s outstretched leg. She cried out.

  Zac was up and off her leg like lightning. ‘I’m so sorry, Tania. Are you all right?’

  Brock too had rushed over. Tania curled her leg under her, trying to blink back tears. Her leg was strong but there was a lot of Zac to land on it, and her thigh throbbed. Confused feelings rushed through her – relief that there had been no echoing snap of the bone, anger that Brock had let this happen, and shock from the sudden pain. Briefly she wondered if she was going to be sick.

  ‘Give me your hand,’ said Zac. He reached down to help pull her up.

  Tania jerked back. ‘Get off me! I don’t need your help!’ She struggled shakily to her feet, wincing as she put her left foot down. Zac offered his hand again as she wobbled, but she batted him away, pain making her unreasonable. ‘I said, get off me! Haven’t you done enough?’

  Zac looked shocked. ‘I am really sorry, Tania.’

  Brock helped Tania off the ice, his face concerned. ‘How does it feel?’

  ‘Painful,’ she said sharply. ‘How do you think?’

  ‘Can you move it? How bad is it?’

  ‘I haven’t broken it, if that’s what you’re thinking,’ she snarled. ‘It just really hurts.’

  ‘We should probably get it X-rayed anyway,’ Brock told her. ‘Just in case.’

  ‘It’s not broken. I know it isn’t. I can tell the difference. Look.’ Tania prodded her leg, wincing at the bruised feeling but knowing everything was where it should be.

  Brock looked at her searchingly. ‘All right. I’ll get an ice pack for the bruising. You sit down.’ He headed for the first-aid cupboard.

  Zac hovered at the edge of the rink. ‘I am so sorry,’ he said again, and his face was white. ‘Maybe it was too soon to try something like that.’

  ‘You think?’ Tania spat out the words. She wanted to go home and curl under her duvet and pretend none of this had happened. More than anything, she was so angry with herself for reacting in this way. Can’t you get a grip? It’s just a fall! You didn’t break anything! Why are you being such a coward?

  Zac didn’t say anything else. Tania knew he was hurt by what she had said, but she couldn’t seem to take it back. She started to shiver.

  Brock came back with the ice pack and a blanket. ‘Here you go. Keep this on your leg in the worst place. Put the blanket round yourself too. You’re just a bit shocked, that’s all.’ He frowned, and Tania knew he was puzzled by her over-reaction. ‘It was an accident,’ he added gently.

  ‘I know, Brock, I’m not stupid!’ Tania could hear her own voice straining higher than usual but it was almost as though she were outside herself – there was nothing she could do to change the way she was behaving.

  ‘You should rest,’ said Brock.

  ‘What I should be doing is practising my singles skating,’ snapped Tania. She threw Zac a glance and all the anger, frustration and fear boiled over. ‘What is all this for anyway, Brock? It’s not helping, can’t you see? He’s not getting any better and I’m just getting injured. I can’t afford to get injured. This is my career we’re talking about.’

  Zac bit his lip. ‘Maybe she’s right …’

  ‘No, she isn’t,’ said Brock firmly. ‘This is just a bruise, Tania – you said so yourself. I can’t understand why you’re so upset about it. You’ve had injuries before.’

  ‘Yes, but no one else has injured me before,’ said Tania. ‘Any injuries in the past have been my own fault.’

  ‘You have to learn to trust Zac,’ said Brock, but Tania interrupted him with a scornful laugh.

  ‘Trust him! He can’t even do a simple three turn when he’s lifting me! How can I trust him?’ She stood up stiffly, clutching the pack to her leg. ‘I have to get changed, I’m freezing.’

  Brock and Zac watched her limp towards the lockers. She was so upset, she hadn’t even put on her skate guards.

  Zac looked at Brock. ‘I’m not good enough to partner her.’

  ‘You are good enough,’ said Brock fiercely.

  ‘But I don’t want to be the one who ruins her career,’ said Zac. His voice shook slightly. ‘She’s too good for that. Her skating is way out of my league. And me …’ He shrugged. ‘I never wanted to do this professionally. Maybe it was a bad idea.’

  ‘No.’ Brock shook his head. ‘This is the right thing for her – for both of you. She’ll get over it. She’s had worse.’ He turned to Zac and smiled, though his eyes were troubled. ‘Don’t blame yourself. It could happen to anyone.’ He paused. ‘Though she’s right about your basic skills. I
f you improved those then you’d be far more solid in the complex moves.’

  ‘I’d have to work night and day to get good enough,’ muttered Zac, glancing towards the lockers.

  Brock looked hard at him. ‘You want to be good enough, don’t you?’

  ‘Hell, yeah. I’d love to skate as well as her.’

  ‘Then that’s what you do. Work day and night. Be here when the rink opens. Be here when it closes. I’ll have a word with the staff. It won’t cost you any extra.’

  Zac looked at him curiously. ‘Really? You’d let me come in any time to practise?’

  ‘Any time the ice is available.’

  Zac shook his head, puzzled. ‘I don’t get it. You really think this is going to work?’

  Brock took a deep breath. His brow cleared. He glanced towards the locker room and nodded slowly. ‘I really do. Don’t ask me how or why. I just know it, in my gut.’ He turned to Zac. ‘Now you go home and get some rest too. You look pretty shaken up.’

  ‘It was scary,’ admitted Zac.

  Brock patted him on the shoulder. ‘Then you’ve learned something. A little fear is important. It gives you focus. Tania has too much fear; it’s holding her back. But you’d try that lift again?’

  ‘Of course.’

  Brock nodded again. ‘Then Tania can definitely learn from you.’

  Chapter 7

  I don’t want to mess things up for you

  TANIA SAT ON the sofa with her leg up on a cushion. It still ached, and a large red patch was developing. Tania knew it would turn black, purple and yellow before it healed fully. The initial shock of the fall had worn off but Tania still felt utterly miserable. She knew she had behaved very badly to Brock and Zac, but she couldn’t help feeling angry that Brock had insisted on doing lifts on the ice so soon. Surely he knew it wouldn’t help her overcome her fear of falling? At that moment Tania felt as if the whole world were against her.

  Caroline brought in a bowl of soup on a tray. ‘Chicken,’ she said. ‘Always good for shock. You still look awfully white, Tania.’