Ice Dreams

by Jo Cotterill

  ‘It can’t be stupid if it’s making you so scared.’ Zac’s voice softened. ‘I’m your partner. I know we haven’t been skating together that long, but you need to trust me.’

  She bit her lip. He sounded so kind, and she was sure he meant it. But she’d carried around this secret fear for so many months now, it was hard to think about letting it out. Tania looked into Zac’s face and said, ‘You’re right. There was something, something that happened. Not to me – to someone else. It’s changed everything for me.’ She hesitated. ‘I will tell you. I just – not now. OK?’

  He nodded, though she could tell he was disappointed. ‘We should probably get back to the rehearsal anyway, shouldn’t we?’

  Tania was relieved when they were told sternly that no talking would be permitted in the auditorium. She had a lot of thinking to do. It’s time to open up, she told herself sternly. He’s been nothing but kind and supportive, why can’t you just blurt it all out? And besides, just because it happened to Kerri doesn’t mean it will happen to you. It was an accident, pure and simple. It’s just that it’s played on your mind so much …

  Zac will understand. Won’t he? Tania stared at the stage, though her mind was churning.

  The two of them sat silently on the comfortable red seats of the Apollo auditorium and watched the rehearsal begin. It was a new piece, based on the folk tale of Hansel and Gretel, but with a twist. The two children were shown to be spoilt and unlikeable, taking advantage of an old woman who lived in the forest alone.

  Tania began to relax as the rehearsal went on. There were moments when the company director would stop the dancers, take them back over something, call up to the lighting box, or shout for a stage manager. But there were only two days to go before opening night, so the show was almost ready.

  ‘I didn’t realize there was so much technical stuff,’ Zac leaned over to whisper in Tania’s ear. ‘Is theatre always this complicated?’

  ‘I guess so. Haven’t you been to the theatre before?’

  ‘Once,’ said Zac, shrugging. ‘A pantomime when I was little.’

  Tania stared at him. ‘Only once?’

  ‘Quiet over there!’ The director cast an irritated glance in their direction. Tania and Zac mumbled apologies and sank into silence again. Tania tried to concentrate on what was happening on stage, but her mind was humming. It didn’t help that Zac’s arm was almost touching hers, and she could feel the warmth radiating off him. Just tell him! He’s nice – he’ll understand. And he said such sweet things about you to Suki, and he didn’t mind you hearing, either. He’s on your side!

  Besides, Tania suddenly realized, if you don’t tell him, you’ll never be able to work with him as Brock intended. You’ll never be proper partners if you keep secrets like that from each other. And so far, Zac has been completely honest with you, hasn’t he? You owe it to him. And yourself. It’s time to face up to what happened.

  Tania felt a swirling in her stomach, like the nervous excitement she got before a performance or a skating exam. I’m going to tell him! As soon as we get out of here! She drummed her fingers on the arm of the chair.

  ‘Take twenty everyone!’ called the director a little later, and Tania turned to Zac, her insides a whirlpool of anticipation.

  ‘You want to get some air?’

  Zac nodded gratefully. ‘And stretch my legs. I’m stiffening up after that class this morning.’

  They made their way outside and took big gulps of air. ‘Is the sun still out?’ said Tania, feeling surprised. ‘Inside, it could be any time.’

  Zac looked at his watch. ‘It’s only three. We don’t have to stay for the rest of the rehearsal, though. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind.’

  ‘Brock wanted us to stay.’

  ‘He did, but surely the point was to show me how important the little details are,’ said Zac. ‘I get it. Really I do.’ He looked at Tania. ‘Unless you want to stay to see the end?’

  Tania didn’t have to think twice. ‘No, I’m OK. It’s a good show though.’ I hope, she thought. I didn’t really pay much attention because I was so busy thinking about other things.

  ‘Yeah. And that routine we learned this morning looks so much cooler when they do it.’

  They went in to thank the director, who barely batted an eyelid, and then they were back outside with their bags. ‘You want to get a coffee or something?’ said Zac, just as Tania said, ‘Do you have to go right now?’

  They looked at each other and smiled. ‘You can spare the time?’ teased Zac. ‘I mean, you haven’t got homework or anything like that?’

  ‘You’re the one who took time off college to skate all day,’ Tania retorted. ‘Don’t you have work to do?’

  Zac laughed. ‘Touché. I guess you have a sense of humour after all.’

  Tania was about to flare up in response when she saw the look in his eye. ‘You won’t get me again.’

  His face lit up in delight. ‘See? Not so easy to wind up now.’

  They set off down the road. ‘I have something to tell you,’ Tania said, as though the words were bursting out of her.

  Zac glanced at her sideways, one eyebrow raised, but he merely said, ‘Wait till we’ve got drinks.’

  Once settled at a café on the corner of the street, Zac looked expectantly at Tania. ‘So?’

  ‘You were right all the time,’ she burst out. ‘It was something that happened. About six months ago. On the ice.’

  Zac nodded, his eyes fixed on her face. ‘Go on.’

  ‘It was my friend Kerri.’ Tania’s fingers gripped her orange juice. ‘She fell. Doing a jump. The triple axel.’

  Zac nodded again.

  Tania ploughed on, the words tumbling out of her now she had started. ‘We were training at the same time – I was literally about five metres away when she fell. There was this awful sound.’ She swallowed. ‘A really loud crack, it kind of echoed around the rink. And I looked over at Kerri and she was lying on the ice, with her leg bent out at a funny angle. Her face … it was the same colour as the ice. She just looked at me. And then she passed out.’

  ‘Wow.’

  ‘She broke her leg in five places,’ Tania said, and her voice shook slightly. ‘Her career was over. And the funny thing was, we both knew it. When she looked at me, before she fainted – we both knew. That was it. In one second, everything over.’

  Zac sipped his coffee. ‘That’s scary,’ he observed in a calm tone. ‘Watching that. And knowing how bad it must be.’

  ‘But that’s not the worst bit.’ Tania bit her lip again. Now that she had come to it, she wasn’t sure she could admit it – the worst part, the part that kept her awake at night and brought the guilt crashing down on her. ‘Kerri was the top junior skater at the rink. I was always second to her.’ She looked down at her fingers. They were clenched so tightly round the glass of juice that they were white as the tablecloth.

  Zac waited.

  ‘I was glad,’ whispered Tania. ‘When she fell. And when she looked at me, she knew what I was thinking.’

  ‘You thought you could be number one now,’ Zac said softly.

  ‘Yes.’ Tania’s eyes suddenly filled with tears and her throat burned. ‘I feel so guilty. And I think maybe that’s why I can’t do it any more. Because I was glad it wasn’t me, you know? I was glad it was her who fell and not me – and now I can’t stop thinking about it and panicking that the same thing will happen to me. Because I deserve it.’

  ‘But it wasn’t your fault.’

  ‘No, but that’s not the point. I shouldn’t have looked at her that way. My first thought should have been for her. But all I could think about was me, and how her bad luck was my good luck.’ She wiped her eyes hastily.

  Zac tactfully looked away. ‘I can see why it might have been getting to you.’

  ‘It’s ridiculous,’ Tania said more firmly, as though trying to convince herself. ‘It was months ago now, and it’s not even as if I see Kerri any more. She moved up north somewhe
re to get physio at a special hospital.’ Her breath caught in her throat but she steadied herself. ‘It’s just that every time I prepare for a jump, I hear that awful noise in my head – that crack of her leg breaking – and I just know I’m going to mess up again.’

  ‘Why haven’t you talked to Brock about it? I’m sure he could help.’

  Tania shook her head violently. ‘I can’t. He was Kerri’s coach too. I can’t admit … that I was glad.’

  ‘But you’re not glad now, are you?’ Zac looked up, frowning. ‘Are you?’

  ‘I don’t know!’ Tania felt like wailing. ‘If Kerri had carried on skating, she’d still be better than me. I’d still be second best. Of course I didn’t want her to break her leg, to lose her career, all her hopes and dreams … but at the same time, it means I’m at the top spot now.’ She stopped. ‘You think I’m heartless.’ This was such a dreadful mistake. I shouldn’t have told him. Why would he want to skate with me now that he knows what sort of a person I really am?

  ‘Tania,’ said Zac, ‘you’ve got to stop blaming yourself. You’re ambitious. You’ve been trained to think you’re the best. You’ve been taught to put winning above everything else. I can see why you’d have that reaction.’ He hesitated. ‘Have you kept in touch with Kerri?’

  ‘She didn’t want to. I think she was angry with me. Angry that it happened to her, I mean, and not to someone else.’ Tania wiped her eyes again. ‘I can understand that. I did try to talk to her; I went round a couple of times after she came home from hospital. But then her mum started saying Kerri didn’t want visitors, and I knew it was just me.’

  ‘She didn’t want to see you because you reminded her of what she’d lost.’

  ‘Exactly.’

  Zac let out his breath very slowly. ‘Wow.’ They sat in silence for a moment. Then he said, ‘Thank you for telling me.’

  Tania nodded. ‘I’ll talk to Brock on Monday and say it’s not working out. You needn’t worry, I’ll sort it out.’

  He stared at her. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Well, you don’t want to skate with me any more, do you?’ Tania concentrated hard on her fingers. If she looked up, she’d see his expression, and she wasn’t sure she could cope with it. ‘I mean, after what I’ve just told you … you must think …’

  ‘Stop telling me what I think,’ Zac interrupted. He sounded frustrated. ‘The trouble with you, Tania, is that you think everything’s about you. So you feel guilty, fair enough. You’re scared of the triple axel because it ruined Kerri’s career and it could easily have been you. I get that. But this is meant to be about us – you and me skating together. If you’d confessed to me that you’d pushed Kerri over and she’d broken her leg, then I might have thought twice about skating with you. But this is something that happened to someone else, and you couldn’t have done anything about it. What we have to do now is figure out how to move on.’

  ‘I’ve been trying to do that since it happened,’ said Tania, irritated.

  Zac gave her a sudden grin. ‘Yes, but you didn’t have me around to help, did you?’ A thought struck him. ‘Besides, tomorrow will be a good challenge.’

  ‘Tomorrow?’

  ‘Yeah.’ The grin grew wider. ‘SkyJumpers, remember? If anything can help you overcome a fear of falling, that will.’

  Tania’s eyes were big with shock. All of the confused and messed-up feelings suddenly congealed into a frozen block of fear. SkyJumpers! How could she have forgotten!

  Chapter 11

  I’m full of surprises

  TANIA DIDN’T SLEEP at all well. For one thing, she was nervous about the next day. High wires and rope bridges! It all sounded like her worst nightmare. At two o’clock in the morning, she wondered if she could call Brock and pretend she’d come down with the flu. But even if he believed her (which was unlikely), he’d probably just make her go another day.

  But it wasn’t just the thought of SkyJumpers that was keeping her awake. The conversation with Zac re-played over and over again in her mind. She couldn’t believe she’d told him about Kerri’s accident. She hadn’t told anyone how she felt; not her mother, not Brock, not Libby … but she had told Zac. Why him? Was she, perhaps, finally beginning to trust him? Did that mean she could let go more on the ice as well as off? She thought about his reaction again: he’d been firmly reassuring. It wasn’t your fault, he’d said. It’s time to move on.

  In some ways, it was a huge relief to have admitted her fears. Zac hadn’t laughed at her; hadn’t told her she was being stupid. He’d understood why such a terrible accident had had such an effect on her own skating. Why she was now frightened of the big jumps, especially the triple axel. He’d said they were in it together: we, he said. We need to figure out how to move forward. The word gave her a warm feeling.

  But that was the new scary part, wasn’t it? Because Tania was becoming aware that she didn’t think of Zac as just her skating partner any more. There were other, newer, complicated feelings swimming around, bobbing their heads to the surface and making her nervous. It was a big thing to admit to herself. Tania had never had a boyfriend. She’d always told Libby it was because she didn’t have time for one, and that was partly true. Skating took up so much of her life, there was barely time for school, let alone a boyfriend. But maybe there was a small part of her that had always been nervous around boys. There were boys at school, but when all the other girls had been hanging out round the bike sheds and giggling about them, Tania had been hanging out at the rink and working hard at her skating. When Libby had had her first kiss and told Tania about it in graphic detail, Tania had listened as though from another world.

  And now she had admitted her secret fear to the boy who … well, she maybe liked a bit more than as a friend. She had made herself vulnerable to someone she was starting to care about. Had she been right to pull down that barrier? Barriers were good, they helped protect your feelings and made you strong. Opening up to Zac … would it make her weak? What if … what if she opened up too much and he just walked away?

  Tania rubbed her face in her pillow. Up to now, her life had been so straightforward – skating and school. But now that Zac was here, things had suddenly got so much more confusing.

  ‘You OK?’ asked Zac. ‘You look really tired.’

  ‘I’m fine,’ said Tania, trying not to yawn. ‘Just didn’t sleep well.’

  Zac nodded sympathetically. ‘Don’t worry about it. You’ll be fine.’

  Tania gave a weak smile. It’s OK, he thinks you’re just nervous about today. Which you are, so that’s kind of true.

  The minibus took them to Whitstable Wood, which was only a twenty-minute journey. There were six other young people on board, all of whom were SkyJumper regulars and who spent the whole journey talking about their favourite activities. By the time they arrived, Tania felt more nervous than ever. It didn’t help that Zac had become more and more excited by what he had heard. ‘I hope we get to try the ten-metre zip-wire!’ he enthused. Tania closed her eyes briefly and tried not to think about it.

  On arrival, the six regulars peeled off and disappeared into the woods. Tania and Zac headed to the reception area, where a stocky bloke called Pete took their details and asked them to fill in some health and safety forms. The two of them dutifully ticked all the ‘no’ boxes on the sheets and handed them back.

  Pete grinned. ‘Excellent. Looks like you’re both in tip-top condition. You can join the first lot over there for the safety film.’

  Tania and Zac joined a small group of young people, some of whom (Tania was pleased to notice) looked as nervous as she did. Zac was jiggling up and down, impatient to get going. Tania just felt sick.

  Pete came to show them a short film and gave them a talk on safety harnesses and hand signals. ‘There’s no shame in asking for help,’ he said cheerfully. ‘We’d rather you asked for help than tried to do something you’re not happy with. On the other hand,’ he grinned, ‘our motto here is “if you don’t leap, you can’
t fly” and if you try not to worry too much, you might surprise yourselves.’

  ‘Yeah, right,’ muttered Tania. Her hands felt cold and clammy.

  ‘Remember,’ Pete added. ‘Everything here is completely safe. We won’t let you fall. Besides, if you die, we’ll get closed down!’ He roared with laughter.

  ‘I don’t think that was very funny,’ said Tania, annoyed that Zac was chuckling.

  ‘Lighten up, Tania,’ said Zac. ‘You’ll be fine.’ He put an arm around her shoulders and gave her a brief hug, but Tania was too tense to feel anything but cold fear.

  Pete led the group out to their first obstacle – a five-metre-high climbing net. Tania stared up at it.

  ‘Right, first four into your harnesses,’ said Pete. Zac leaped forward, but when he saw Tania hanging back, he reluctantly joined her.

  ‘We’ll watch the first lot, OK?’ he said. Tania nodded.

  The volunteers were clipped into harnesses, and one strong-looking man held the end of each rope. ‘We take your weight,’ Pete told them. ‘So if you slip or fall, you won’t drop more than a couple of feet. We’ll make sure of that.’

  Tania and Zac watched the climbers start up the net. Two of them made good headway, though the other two were slower. ‘The net moves about so much,’ said Tania.

  Pete heard her. ‘It’s anchored at the ends and the sides, but you’re right, it does wave a bit. You need to concentrate on where you’re putting hands and feet. Like climbing a wall in a strong wind.’ He looked at Tania. ‘Though I’m guessing you haven’t done that either.’ She shook her head. Pete grinned. ‘Don’t worry,’ he said. ‘It won’t be as bad as you think.’

  Before Tania knew it, the first four were over the top of the net and coming down the other side. Not one of them had needed help from their harness. Pete nodded at her. ‘Up you go then.’

  Tania glanced at Zac. His eyes were shining. ‘Come on, then,’ he said.

  Tania stood very still as she was clipped into her harness. If I don’t think about it, she thought, then it might be easier. Don’t look up. Don’t look down. Concentrate on one hand, one foot – one step at a time. Whatever you do, don’t think about falling.