Ice Dreams

by Jo Cotterill

  Zac was already halfway up the net before Tania had even taken three steps. Hands shaking, she started up. One hand up. The other hand. One foot. The other foot.

  Rather to her surprise, it wasn’t as hard as she’d feared. Her natural sense of balance kept her from swinging about too much, and she almost enjoyed the challenge of finding a suitable hand- or foot-hold. Before she knew it, Tania had reached the huge wooden beam at the top. Zac was sitting astride it, beaming at her. ‘There you go! Told you it would be OK!’

  Tania gave him a shaky smile. ‘Not too bad,’ she said, trying to sound casual.

  Zac laughed. ‘Over you come then, and after that it’s easy.’

  ‘Over …’ Tania put her hands on the beam, and the net suddenly swung alarmingly. Panicked, she gripped hard and pulled herself close to the beam. The world swayed around her, and she couldn’t help looking down. At once, the ground seemed to rush up to meet her, and her ears echoed with that sickening crack again. She squeezed her eyes shut.

  ‘You’ll never get over like that,’ said Zac. ‘You need to swing one leg over then the other.’

  ‘Yes, in a minute,’ snapped Tania, her heart racing. Move your leg, she told herself. But nothing happened. Her whole body was rigid. It was as though it had completely turned to stone.

  ‘Tania?’ said Zac. His voice changed tone. ‘You OK?’

  She couldn’t answer him; couldn’t even look at him. She heard him moving towards her, along the beam. Then his voice was close in her ear. ‘Tania, it’s me, Zac. You’re thinking about that accident again, aren’t you?’

  Eyes still firmly shut, she nodded.

  Zac’s voice was quiet and gentle. ‘It’s OK, Tania. You’re not going to fall. I’m going to help you.’

  ‘Everything all right up there?’ Tania heard Pete’s distant voice.

  ‘Just give us a minute,’ Zac shouted back.

  ‘Tell her to let go,’ shouted Pete. ‘We’ll lower her to the ground.’

  Tania found herself shaking her head furiously.

  ‘We’ll be OK,’ called Zac. ‘Just give us a second.’ He bent towards Tania again. ‘You can let go, you know. It’ll be OK. They’ll make sure you get down safely.’

  Tania was still shaking her head. ‘Can’t,’ she muttered.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Can’t.’ Tania felt as though her teeth were welded together with fear. ‘Can’t move my arms.’

  ‘OK. Then we’re going to do this really slowly. Open your eyes, Tania. Look at me.’

  Slowly Tania lifted her head. Her neck creaked with the effort. She met Zac’s eyes. They were shining with encouragement, and somehow, something inside her relaxed slightly. Zac nodded. ‘You can do this.’ He put his hand over hers. It was as though the warmth from him was gradually transferring itself into her own hand. The icy panic started to thaw. Tania twitched her fingers. ‘That’s good,’ said Zac. ‘Now lift your hand off the beam. I won’t let you fall.’

  It felt like an eternity, but slowly, slowly, Zac talked Tania over the top of the beam. Two more people came up and over the net in that time, but Zac ignored them. Patiently, keeping his voice low, he talked to Tania as though she were a small child. ‘That’s good, that’s really good. Well done. Now you just have to move that foot a little bit to your left. Great.’

  Moving a little faster now they were over the net, Tania and Zac climbed down the other side. Tania’s breath was coming in little gasps, but she no longer felt like she was going to pass out. Zac kept pace with her all the time, even though she knew he must be itching to race down and get to the next thing. Finally she felt solid ground under her foot, and the breath whooshed out of her.

  Pete was looking at her. ‘You OK? Tania, isn’t it?’

  She nodded. ‘Yes. I’m OK.’ Though actually she felt like bursting into tears with the relief.

  Pete clapped Zac on the back. ‘Excellent work up there. If you ever want a job here, let me know. We can train you up.’

  Zac’s eyes nearly fell out of his head. ‘Really? Wow, thanks.’

  ‘So,’ said Pete, ‘if everyone’s OK, we’ll move on to the next thing.’

  Zac hung back for a moment to speak to Tania. ‘How are you feeling now?’

  She looked up at him, and for a moment she couldn’t speak. Through all her panic and fear, he had been a constant reassurance. He hadn’t let her fall. She felt as though her whole heart and being was pouring out towards him. He took a step backwards, as though rocked by some unseen force. ‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘I can’t begin to tell you … thank you.’

  ‘That’s OK,’ he said, and cleared his throat. His cheeks coloured slightly. ‘That’s OK,’ he said more firmly. ‘Any time.’ He held out his hand, and together they walked to the next task.

  As the day wore on, Tania felt as though something inside her was changing. The block of immobilizing icy fear was beginning to melt. After that first task, each successive obstacle had seemed slightly easier. She still felt that moment of panic as she stood at the beginning of a rope bridge, or at the top of a wall, but it was no longer paralysing her in the same way. She had even managed to smile whilst abseiling.

  ‘Right,’ said Pete. ‘This is it. The big one.’

  It was an enormous zip-wire, perhaps ten metres up in the air. A large platform was secured between several trees. The thin wire stretched from the platform to the ground – at least, Tania assumed it did, since she couldn’t actually see the end of it from the platform. She could feel Zac glance at her.

  ‘This is the last activity you’ll do today,’ said Pete, ‘and it’s the best by far. You don’t have to do anything at all – just step off the platform and fly down to the ground. If you have the chance, look around you as you go, because it’s a great view over the countryside.’

  ‘How many goes can we have?’ Zac asked, excitement in his voice.

  Pete laughed. ‘Just the one, Zac. Sorry, no time for more. So make it count.’

  ‘Tania?’ said Zac in a low voice. ‘Do you want to do this?’

  She turned to him. It’s funny, she thought to herself, but when I’m standing next to Zac, I feel as though I can do anything. ‘Of course,’ she said.

  Zac looked surprised but pleased. He grinned. ‘Good for you. You want to go first?’

  ‘No, it’s OK,’ she told him. ‘You go. I’ll see you at the bottom.’

  ‘Zac, you volunteering?’ Pete called over.

  Zac shook his head. ‘What if you freeze up again? I’ll wait until you’ve gone.’

  ‘No.’ Tania was firm. ‘I won’t freeze. Honestly. Please. Let me do it on my own.’

  ‘Zac?’ said Pete.

  ‘OK.’ Zac gave her a long look. ‘I’ll see you down there.’

  Within seconds, Zac was clipped into the harness, shown how to hold his arms, given a countdown, and launched into space. Tania watched him speed off into the trees, his yell of delight making everyone below look up.

  ‘Tania, you going next?’ asked Pete.

  ‘No,’ said Tania. ‘Let the others go.’

  ‘Sure? Don’t put it off.’

  ‘I’m not.’ Tania smiled at him. ‘It’s OK, Pete. I’m just – you know. Chilling out.’ Taking a moment. Preparing myself. Zac can’t hold my hand on this one, but I know he’s still here, in my head, telling me it’ll be all right.

  Pete laughed. ‘Right you are. OK then, who’s up next?’

  One by one, the rest of the group took off into space, the air punctuated with squeals and shouts. Finally there was only Tania left.

  ‘Come on then,’ said Pete, holding out the harness. ‘Time to go.’

  Tania felt as though her body had gone into some kind of freefall even before she was harnessed up. Her mind seemed to be floating above her, looking down with interest as her body made its preparations. Zac’s face swam into her mind. An eerie feeling of calmness spread through her.

  ‘Three, two, one – go,’ said Pete, and Tania steppe
d off the platform.

  The speed was immediate. The wind rushed through her hair and made her blink. The sound of the zip-wire was loud in her ears, but just at that moment, a shaft of sunlight jutted into her path, and Tania slid straight into it. The sudden warmth on her face made her open her eyes, and she felt her breath taken away by the view. Below her, the trees dropped away suddenly, and there was a split-second glimpse of rolling green hills and waving grasses. Then the light was dimmed again as she plunged down between the trees.

  It was extraordinary. Could it be any closer to flying? And it reminded her of something … but what was it? Tania’s face broke into a smile. It reminded her of skating. On an impulse, she flung her arms wide and laughed. The movement sent her swinging, and for a second adrenalin flooded her body, but it was a good panic – a come-alive fear – a shot of danger. She pulled in her arms as the ground approached, and placed her feet squarely on the path, knees bent to absorb the impact.

  ‘Nice landing,’ the instructor at the bottom said admiringly. ‘You’ve got a good sense of balance.’

  ‘I’m a skater,’ said Tania as he unclipped her from the harness and helped her out. Warmth spread through her at the words. ‘I’m a skater,’ she repeated proudly.

  ‘You certainly are,’ said Zac, who had been watching from the side. ‘I thought you weren’t going to come down.’

  Tania smiled at him. ‘I had to. To prove something to myself.’

  ‘So how was it?’

  Tania paused for a moment. ‘Amazing. Really amazing.’

  ‘Wasn’t it?’ said Zac, his face breaking into an answering smile. ‘I wish we could go again.’

  ‘No,’ said Tania. ‘Once was enough. Once was perfect.’

  Zac looked at her curiously. ‘You look a bit – I dunno. Weirdly calm. Are you OK?’

  No, she wanted to tell him, I’m not OK, I’m more than OK, and it’s because of you. You told me I could trust you, and now it’s like part of me has remembered how to fly. A small bubble of laughter popped into her throat as she wondered how he would react if she actually said any of that. ‘I’m fine,’ she said, trying to swallow down the laughter. ‘Honestly, I’m fine.’

  ‘You look great,’ said Zac, and then looked away, his cheeks flushing with colour again. Tania barely noticed. ‘I guess it’s time to go home.’

  ‘Yeah. Yes. And back to the rink.’ As Tania said it she thought, It’s going to be OK now. I’m sure it is. I can fly again.

  Chapter 12

  A thousand pounds

  ‘SO,’ SAID BROCK on Monday morning, ‘how did it go?’

  Tania glanced at Zac. ‘Good. Really good.’

  Zac nodded. ‘I think we both had some kind of breakthrough.’

  And how! thought Tania. She couldn’t wait to get onto the ice. Her feet were practically itching with eagerness, the way they used to in the old days.

  Brock looked searchingly from one to the other. ‘Good. You don’t have to tell me about it unless you want to. It’s enough that you’ve talked to each other.’ He rubbed his hands together. ‘Right then, we’ll see what sort of a difference it’s made.’ He put them through a gruelling warm-up and then moved straight on to the lifts.

  Tania was not surprised to find she was far more relaxed about letting Zac lift her. The way he had talked her over the rope net; the conversations they had had on the Saturday – everything felt easier now that she had decided to trust him. Kerri’s accident was still there, at the back of her head, but it felt smaller somehow, as if it were further away.

  Zac too noticed the difference. ‘You’re so easy to lift today,’ he told her. ‘It’s like you’re made of air.’

  Encouraged by their progress, Brock called them over and asked for the death spiral. ‘Just take it easy,’ he said to Tania, who nodded.

  ‘I know. It’ll be OK now, I think.’

  And it was. The first one was a little shaky, but each time after that was better. After the fourth spiral, Brock clapped his hands. ‘Good! You’re getting there! Well done!’

  Tania and Zac grinned at each other. ‘He doesn’t say that often,’ whispered Zac.

  ‘I know,’ Tania replied in a low voice. ‘We should record it so we can play it back whenever we like.’

  ‘No chatting!’ called Brock. ‘Work to do!’

  Zac reached for Tania’s hand as they skated over for the next instruction. His hand was warm and reassuring, just as it had been on the rope net. Tania felt another chunk of ice melt away.

  At the end of the session, Brock called them both to the barrier. ‘Some very good work today, both of you,’ he said. ‘The weekend seems to have knocked some sense into you. Tania, you’re much more relaxed, and it’s showing in the quality of your edges. Zac, your core strength is better, and having your skates sharpened properly has made a big difference.’ He frowned. ‘Though you still really need new skates. It’s a priority now. You can’t partner Tania in the show without decent skates – and you need time to break them in too. We’ve only got a month left.’

  Zac looked down at the ice. ‘Yeah, well …’

  ‘Is it the money, Zac?’ Brock asked, his voice surprisingly gentle. ‘Skates are expensive.’

  Zac shrugged. ‘I guess.’

  Tania tried to look as though she wasn’t listening. She fiddled with the laces on her boots.

  ‘Can’t your parents help out?’ asked Brock.

  ‘Not really,’ mumbled Zac. ‘They don’t have much money.’

  ‘What about a part-time job?’

  ‘I have one,’ said Zac shortly. ‘I work for Mum and Dad.’

  Tania raised her eyebrows but said nothing. What did his parents do? Why had she never asked him about his home life? Because I was too busy being selfish and obsessed with my own problems, she realized.

  ‘I get paid,’ said Zac, ‘but it all goes on skating already.’

  Brock sighed. ‘Well, we’ll have to think of something. You can’t go on like this. Your skates are holding you back.’

  ‘Maybe I could get another second-hand pair …?’ suggested Zac hopefully.

  Brock gave him a long look, and then slapped his hand on the barrier. ‘Let’s not think about it now. Good work today, both of you.’ He grinned. ‘I’m glad to see my little idea has worked out well. And tomorrow I’ll tell you what you’re skating to.’

  The music! Any other time, Tania would have been itching to know what Brock had picked to accompany their programme. The music was almost the most important part of a skating programme, and usually Tania was keen to make her own suggestions. But this time she was far too busy thinking about Zac and his lack of money.

  ‘What do your parents do?’ she asked as they headed back to the lockers.

  ‘They run a pub.’

  ‘A pub?’ Tania felt surprised. ‘Really?’

  ‘Yeah, why?’ He stopped.

  ‘Oh, nothing,’ Tania said hastily. She didn’t want him to think she was being snobby. ‘That must be hard work.’

  ‘Yeah, it is. Thirteen-hour days and they never go on holiday. They even work Christmas and bank holidays.’ He shrugged. ‘But they like the customers. Most of them, that is.’

  ‘So what do you do when you work for them?’

  ‘Washing up, carrying food to tables, cleaning – that kind of thing.’ He looked at her sharply. ‘I won’t be doing it for ever.’

  ‘I wasn’t suggesting …’

  ‘I’m going to go to university,’ Zac went on, a determined edge to his voice. ‘I don’t want to work in a pub all my life. I’m going to get good grades from college and study engineering. I’ll be the first in my family to graduate. My older brother went to uni but he dropped out after one term.’

  ‘Engineering?’

  ‘Yeah. I’m studying maths, physics and psychology at the moment.’

  Tania couldn’t help the look on her face.

  ‘You don’t have to look so surprised,’ Zac commented. ‘What did you think I
was doing? Some vocational diploma in car maintenance?’

  ‘No, of course not …’ Tania glanced at the floor in confusion. ‘Sorry. I didn’t realize.’

  He took a breath. ‘Don’t worry about it. Sorry, I probably over-reacted there a bit. It’s just … I look at my parents and see how hard they work for so little, and I know I don’t want that for myself. I want more prospects, more options.’

  ‘What about skating? Isn’t that an option?’

  Zac let out a laugh and his whole body relaxed. ‘Only you would ask that.’

  ‘Well, isn’t it?’ Tania was puzzled. ‘You could earn good money, you know. Competing.’

  ‘It’s not much of a life though, is it?’ said Zac. ‘Always working on the same tricks, travelling everywhere for the competitions. And on the day, it just comes down to who lands their triple lutz. A whole career-defining moment comes down to one jump.’

  ‘But that’s the excitement of it,’ said Tania. ‘That’s the adrenalin. That’s what pushes you to keep going, to get better – the thought that one day it will all come together, be perfect.’

  He smiled at her. ‘You know, when you talk like that about it, I could almost be persuaded.’ His face fell. ‘Except for the start-up costs. I don’t have those kinds of savings.’

  Tania didn’t know what to say.

  Zac grinned again. ‘Hey, it’s OK. I’m enjoying it for now anyway. Skating with you is much more fun than messing around on my own.’ He gave her a wave. ‘See you tomorrow.’

  ‘Yeah.’

  Tania went home in a thoughtful mood. She’d always had money. It wasn’t that she was materialistic; it had just always been there. If she needed new skates, she told her parents, who bought them for her. If she needed more ballet lessons or more time at the rink – all of that cost money, but Tania never really thought about it. It just happened by itself.

  ‘Mum,’ said Tania, once they were home, ‘how much have I cost you over the years?’