Ice Dreams

by Jo Cotterill

  ‘What happened?’ asked Caroline.

  Tania put down her knife and fork. ‘I’m finished, can I go upstairs?’

  ‘You’ve hardly touched it,’ said Alistair.

  Tania shrugged. ‘Not very hungry.’

  Caroline sighed. ‘Oh, all right. If there’s nothing we can do to help …’

  ‘No,’ said Tania. ‘Thanks. There isn’t.’

  Once in her room, Tania threw herself on the bed and stared at the ceiling. When she thought about the events of this afternoon, her eyes filled with tears again. How could things go so horribly wrong so quickly? And how on earth could she ever make them right again?

  Libby, Tania thought. Libby knows about boys. She’ll know what to do.

  Libby took a long time to answer her mobile. ‘Tania, hi. Sorry, I was just – well, never mind.’

  Tania wiped her eyes. ‘Is now a good time?’

  ‘Yeah.’ Libby sounded a bit distracted. ‘Yeah, it’s fine. I’m sort of looking out for someone, but it’s OK for the moment. Are you all right? You sound funny.’

  ‘No, I’m not OK.’ Tania swallowed. ‘Zac and I had a kind of argument.’

  ‘Oh no,’ said Libby. ‘What about?’

  ‘Well, it’s complicated,’ said Tania, trying to think how best to explain. ‘I did something for him, without him knowing. Something nice, that is. Anyway, he found out, and he got really angry.’

  ‘Why would he be angry if it was something nice?’ Libby was puzzled. ‘That’s a bit weird. What did you do exactly?’

  Tania hesitated.

  ‘You still there?’ came Libby’s voice.

  ‘Yeah,’ said Tania. ‘Yeah, I – well, I gave him something. But he didn’t know it was from me.’

  Libby laughed. ‘You’re going to have to tell me, Tania. What did you give him?’

  Tania screwed up her eyes. ‘A thousand pounds.’

  ‘A what?’

  ‘A thousand pounds.’

  There was silence on the line for a moment. Then Libby let out a long breath. ‘Whew. Wow, Tania, that’s – that’s a lot of money. What was it for?’

  ‘New skates.’

  ‘I get it. Wow.’ She let out another laugh. ‘You’ve never given me a thousand pounds.’

  ‘Libby …’

  ‘I’m kidding! But Tania, you can’t just go around giving people money like that.’

  ‘Why not?’ Tania felt tearful again. ‘It’s just money, Lib. I’ve got it, he needs it – why shouldn’t I give it to him? What’s so wrong with that?’

  ‘Oh, Tania.’ Libby sounded sympathetic. ‘I know what you’re saying, but it doesn’t work like that. So what – you pretended it was from some random generous person, did you?’

  ‘Something like that.’

  ‘And now he’s found out it was from you.’

  ‘Yes. And he’s really mad.’

  ‘Sorry, Tania,’ Libby said finally. ‘I don’t know what to suggest.’

  ‘But I thought you’d have some advice! You know about boys,’ pleaded Tania.

  ‘Yeah, I know they like football and toilet jokes,’ said Libby sarcastically. ‘But this is way out of my league, Tan. And it’s not really about Zac anyway, is it? It’s sort of about you. Because you don’t get why he’s mad.’

  ‘That’s exactly it! I thought he’d be pleased! And he was, when he heard he’d been given the money. He was so excited about buying the boots and everything. Why does it matter where the money came from?’

  Libby sighed. ‘All right. Let me think.’ She paused for a moment. ‘Right. Imagine you’re entered for the British championship best skater of the year whatsit.’

  Tania snorted.

  ‘Yeah, I know, it’s not really called that. Whatever. Say you’ve got to skate your heart out. You’re up against some tough competition. There are three skaters up at the top with you. You’ve been practising for months and months. You’re the best you’ve ever been. You’ve got a real chance of winning. With me so far?’

  ‘Yeah, but …’

  ‘Then,’ said Libby, ‘the day before the competition, those three other top skaters – they all get food poisoning.’

  ‘That’s so unlikely!’

  ‘No, you’re missing the point. Those three skaters can’t compete, they’re too ill. You go out there, do your stuff, and you win! But you win by a mile. It’s too easy. They hand you the trophy, or medal or whatever. You’re champion of Britain. But you know what people are saying.’

  Tania considered. ‘They’re saying I only won because the other three didn’t turn up.’

  ‘Right.’

  ‘But that’s not fair, because I might have won anyway.’

  ‘Right. So what they’re saying shouldn’t bother you. But it does, because you didn’t have to beat the best.’

  ‘Lib, I’m a bit lost,’ said Tania.

  ‘The point is,’ said Libby, ‘Zac works hard for his money. When he gets paid, it means something to him. He has to save up for things he really wants. But when he finally gets them, they mean a lot. If you beat the best, you can feel really proud of what you achieved. But if you win because someone hands it to you on a plate, then isn’t it a bit like cheating?’

  ‘Zac called me a Chelsea skater.’

  ‘Well,’ said Libby, ‘that’s a bit unfair. You’ve worked really hard to get this far in skating. No one can say you’ve not put in the training. But you haven’t ever had to worry about anything else, like money. Not like some people.’

  Tania gulped. ‘Lib, am I shallow? I mean, do you think I’m vain and self-obsessed and all that? Because I have money?’

  ‘Oh, Tania, do you really think we’d be friends if I thought that?’ Libby’s voice softened. ‘You are kind and sweet and hard-working. It’s not your fault that skating takes up so much of your life there’s not much left for other things. You live in a kind of bubble. But you’re a good person, Tan.’

  Tania drew a shaky breath. ‘Thanks, Lib. You’re such a good friend.’

  ‘Yeah, yeah, tell me about it.’ Libby sounded as though she was smiling. ‘And you keep my feet on the ground. You stop me being too crazy and off-the-wall.’

  Tania smiled in response. ‘That’s right. We balance each other out.’

  ‘Exactly,’ came Libby’s voice. ‘Which is why you’re safe and sound at home, like a sensible girl, and I’m hiding behind a blue Volkswagen Golf in the middle of the High Street.’

  Tania sat up on her bed. ‘You’re where? Doing what? Why are you hiding?’

  ‘I’m following Scott. He went into the music shop fifteen minutes ago, and he’s still in there!’

  ‘Why are you following him?’

  ‘Because I think he’s cheating on me!’ Libby wailed. ‘With the girl from the music shop!’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Of course I’m not sure! That’s why I’m following him!’ Libby’s voice suddenly changed tone. ‘Gotta go. He’s just come out.’

  ‘Has he bought something?’

  ‘Call you later, Tania.’ The phone went dead.

  Tania stared at the phone for a moment. Should she call Libby back? But what if she was in the middle of following Scott, and the phone ringing ruined everything? She’d have to wait for Libby to call again.

  She lay back on her bed and thought. Libby’s story about the skating championships was a bit muddled but Tania thought she could see the point. If she had worked really hard for something, and then someone had come along and told her she didn’t need to, she’d won it anyway … well, she’d feel a bit cheated, wouldn’t she? All that wasted effort. But surely this was different? It wasn’t as though Zac would ever have got the money together on his own. Or would he? Had she ever actually asked him if he was saving up?

  No wonder, said the voice in Tania’s head. No wonder he’s mad at you. You didn’t even think about how he might feel. You just wanted to give him the money because it would make you feel good. And it would mean you could
carry on skating with him …

  It was a restless night.

  The next day, Tania went to the rink with her heart thudding in her ears. Would he be there? Her fingers shook so much she could hardly tie her laces, and she had to keep swallowing because her mouth was so dry.

  Brock was supervising a group rehearsal. Four young couples were performing a routine to ‘Footloose’ and Brock was watching with a sharp eye and yelling, ‘More swing in those steps! Keep that leg straight, Sian! And for God’s sake, look like you’re enjoying it!’

  He caught her eye as she approached the rink, and shook his head. Tania’s heart sank. He’s not here. He’s not coming.

  ‘Is there any point me practising?’ Tania said to Brock when she reached him.

  Brock’s eyes followed one of the couples that had got slightly out of sync with the rest. ‘Course there is,’ he said shortly. ‘There’s always a point to practice. He might turn up.’ He broke off to shout, ‘David, if you can’t hear the rhythm, you need to watch the others more!’

  ‘What if he doesn’t?’ Tania said in a small voice. ‘Turn up.’

  ‘Then you will have had a good workout anyway. Now go do something. I’m busy.’

  Zac didn’t turn up the next day either. Or the day after that. Tania practised some basic figures on her own, but her heart wasn’t in it. Every time the main doors banged, Tania’s heart thudded and she automatically looked up. Every time it wasn’t Zac, she felt slightly sick.

  ‘Can’t you find out where he lives and go round on bended knee?’ Libby asked one evening. ‘Beg him to come back?’

  ‘I don’t think it would work,’ said Tania sadly. ‘You didn’t see the look on his face. He hates me.’

  Libby gave her friend a hug but she didn’t offer any more advice.

  Practising on her own reminded Tania how lonely it was. She missed Zac’s easy smile, the way he teased her and she was never sure if he was serious or not. She missed the warmth of his hand in hers and the challenge of matching strokes around the rink. She even missed the lifts.

  Each hour dragged, but even though her mind wasn’t on the skating, Tania did notice that her technique was stronger than ever. She tried a double axel just to see what happened, and landed it easily. Tania was astonished. She did it again, just to make sure. Whatever had happened in-between, for whatever reason, she was now landing the jumps better than she had for a year. Somehow the fear of falling had gone. Because of Zac, she thought. He’s the one who’s given me back the courage to try, even if it means risking a fall. The memory of Kerri’s fall was as vivid as ever but somehow she no longer found it crippling. Just because it had happened to Kerri didn’t mean it would happen to her. Maybe, just maybe, she’d get up the courage to try a triple axel before too long.

  Brock had been right after all. Pairing Tania with Zac had helped her skating technique as he hoped. She was stronger and fitter and more content than she had been for months. But Zac wasn’t here now. And all their training, all the hours of hard work, would be for nothing if he didn’t come back.

  It was Wednesday, and the show was only three days away. Brock’s optimism was faltering. ‘You’ve got to do something,’ he told her sharply. ‘Make it right, Tania.’

  ‘How?’

  Brock exclaimed in annoyance. ‘I don’t know! You’re the one who got us into this, so you get us out! I’ve left message after message for Zac but he’s completely incommunicado. I need my pairs programme on Saturday. It’s too good a programme to miss out – and besides, the schedule has gone to the printers. It has to happen, Tania. Sort it!’

  Her skating bag seemed heavier than usual as Tania slung it over her shoulder and made her way up the stairs to the exit. To the left of the main doors was the trophy cabinet she had proudly shown Zac all those weeks ago. Tania stared blankly at the cups and shields. Her name, written over and over again. But for what? Did she really want to be the best if it meant she had to do it on her own?

  Tania leaned her forehead against the glass and thought. How can I put things right? How can I explain to Zac in such a way that he won’t be angry with me any more? What can I do?

  She could buy him a present to say sorry …

  She could arrange for him to spend another day at SkyJumpers …

  She could sort out something so that he didn’t have to work in the pub all the time …

  Tania banged her head against the glass. Stupid, stupid! They all involved money! And that was the problem, wasn’t it? Zac didn’t want her money. What did he want?

  She tilted her head so she could see the reflection of the rink in the glass. Round and round went the skaters. Tracing patterns on the rink … Her name on all these trophies … How to say sorry … Something Libby had said ages ago …

  A peculiar image started to form in her head. But that kind of thing was impossible, wasn’t it? Or … maybe not …

  Chapter 18

  Only chance to put things right

  ‘YOU WANT TO do what?’ asked Caroline in astonishment.

  ‘Go to the rink tomorrow night at midnight,’ said Tania.

  Caroline looked at her husband. Alistair frowned. ‘I don’t think so,’ he said. ‘Not in the middle of the night.’

  ‘What for?’ asked Caroline. ‘Brock wouldn’t ask you to do something like that.’

  ‘No, it’s not for Brock.’ Tania twisted her fingers together. She knew it was a big ask. ‘I can’t really explain. But it’s important.’

  ‘You need your sleep for the show on Saturday,’ Caroline reminded her. ‘I don’t like you going out only two nights before. And you’ve got school on Friday morning before the dress rehearsal.’

  ‘Trust me,’ said Tania. ‘Please. It’s important to me.’

  ‘Well …’ said Caroline.

  ‘The rink will be closed at that time,’ objected Alistair.

  Tania shook her head. ‘No, it won’t. I was lucky. The manager said I can have it for half an hour.’

  ‘Half an hour,’ said Caroline, bewildered. ‘What are you doing for half an hour?’

  ‘I can’t tell you. Really, I can’t.’

  ‘It’s not illegal, is it?’ demanded Alistair suddenly.

  ‘No, Dad.’ Tania smiled. ‘Honestly. It’s not dangerous either. It’s just – something I want to do. Need to do. I did something wrong, and this is my chance to put it right.’

  Caroline put a hand on her husband’s arm. ‘Let her do it. It’s not like she’s been untrustworthy before.’

  Alistair looked at Tania for a long moment, and then he nodded. ‘All right. But at twelve-thirty, we’re coming in to fetch you. And we’ll be outside in the car the whole time.’

  ‘What are you going to do?’ asked Libby.

  ‘I don’t want to tell you,’ said Tania, ‘in case it doesn’t work.’

  ‘But it’s something to do with skating, right?’

  ‘Yes.’ Tania shook her head. ‘But that’s not why I rang you. I wanted to ask about you and Scott. And the girl in the music shop. You never really told me what happened.’

  ‘Yes I did. He just went straight home. There wasn’t anything to tell.’ But there was hesitation in Libby’s voice.

  ‘What’s up? Have you found out something else?’ Tania’s heart sank for her friend. ‘Has he been cheating on you?’

  Libby made an indistinguishable noise that sounded like, ‘Uhmm-hummm.’

  ‘Libby, you can tell me.’

  ‘Well …’ Libby sounded as though she was squirming. ‘He wasn’t exactly cheating, no …’

  ‘What do you mean, not exactly?’

  ‘All right, he wasn’t at all,’ said Libby. ‘He did admit he’d been lying to me though, about where he was all the time.’

  Tania felt relieved that Scott hadn’t let Libby down, but she was puzzled. ‘So what was he doing?’

  ‘He was recording me a song.’ Libby sounded more and more embarrassed. ‘He wrote me a song, and he wanted to get it recorded
properly, like professionally. The girl in the shop has a boyfriend who works for a music studio.’

  ‘And she got him a slot.’

  ‘Right. I got the CD today, posted through my letterbox.’

  Tania felt something inside her twinge with jealousy. ‘That’s so romantic, Libby. What’s the song like?’

  ‘Oh, well, you know … about how much he loves me, all that …’

  Tania could guess Libby was probably blushing, but she knew her friend would be bursting with pride. ‘Aren’t you excited?’ she asked. ‘I mean, wow! He wrote you a song! That’s amazing!’

  ‘I know,’ said Libby. ‘It’s just that now I feel really guilty about suspecting him. He texted me a minute ago to ask if I’d listened to the CD yet.’ She gave a shaky laugh. ‘He said, Now you’ll know how I really feel about you.’

  ‘Wow.’

  ‘And the song is completely dripping in romance. Oh, Tania, what am I going to do?’

  ‘What do you mean?’ asked Tania, amused. ‘You’ve got the perfect boyfriend!’

  ‘I know!’ wailed Libby. ‘But I’m not used to it! I keep having to pinch myself. After all those useless boys who cheated on me or dumped me after the first date – I finally found one who’s worth it.’

  ‘But you really like him too, right?’

  ‘I adore him!’

  Tania laughed. ‘Then there’s nothing to worry about, is there?’

  ‘I guess not.’ Libby let out a little sigh. ‘I’ll just have to be blissfully happy for the rest of my life.’

  Tania was silent.

  ‘Tan? You still there?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  Libby made a sympathetic noise. ‘You’re thinking about Zac, aren’t you? It’ll be OK, you’ll see. He’ll come round. Whatever it is you’re doing, I’m sure it will work.’

  ‘I’m not,’ said Tania. ‘I don’t even know if I can pull it off.’

  ‘You just have to promise me,’ begged Libby, ‘that you’ll text me the minute you’ve done whatever it is. You have to let me know what happens.’