Hard Focus (BAE Book 1)

by Vic Tyler

  “Benji!” A sickeningly familiar sing-songy voice rang out.

  We both turned to see Janessa strut towards us, wrapped in a large fur coat with a short skirt underneath, her tanned legs bare and clad in death heels. Oh, god.

  I felt nauseous. Everything was a mistake. Why? Why did I cave in at the party? Why was I expecting more — no, not more. Just something different — of Benji when he made it clear from the beginning?

  “Benji, baby,” Janessa clattered over to Benji to hug him. He ducked out of the way, looking grimly surprised.

  “What are you doing here?” He frowned at her.

  Janessa rolled her eyes and held up her sparkling phone. “You asked me to come. I’ll come as many times as you want.”

  She winked at him, and I think I threw up a little in my mouth.

  “What —” Benji started, then he shut his eyes and dropped his head, rubbing his temples. “Yeah, okay. Go wait in my office. Maria and I are talking right now.”

  “No.” My head was dizzy with the nausea taking over my body. “Go ahead. I’m leaving.” I turned to Janessa who smiled smugly at me. “You two can stay here and talk.”

  “Aw, are you sure?” Janessa purred, absolutely delighted. She batted her eyes at Benji, who gritted his teeth. “You’re welcome to stay. But it might take a long time. We have a lot to talk about. Maybe even all night.”

  “Jenny,” Benji snapped sharply.

  “Now, now, Benji baby, don’t forget you’re the one who asked me here. I hope you haven’t forgotten that I’m the only one who can give you exactly what you want.” Her eyes narrowed dangerously under her long fake lashes.

  Stop. Please. Enough. I turned swiftly on my heels and walked away.

  “Maria, wait,” Benji said, grabbing my arm. “It’s not what it looks —”

  “Dissonance.”

  My eyes were dry — dry from the tears I shed alone, dry from the resignation. Benji’s beautiful green eyes probed deeply into mine.

  How long had I wanted to be on the receiving end of his gaze? How long had I wanted to measure and memorize the depth in his eyes?

  We stood there, unmoving, searching for answers that we couldn’t vocalize.

  His hands finally let go, and I tore my eyes away from him and walked out the door.

  I intended to go home and cry myself to sleep. I texted Grant that I appreciated everything so far but that I decided to pursue a different line of work and was quitting, effective immediately.

  I had just dumped a hefty amount of wine into my special wineglass when there were a few knocks on the door. I opened it to find a sprightly, smiling albeit a little banged up Brie with bags of ice cream and wine in her hands.

  As soon as she saw my red eyes, she dropped the bags and jumped onto me, pulling me in for a tight hug. Her welcome familiar face made me burst into tears, drowning her shoulder.

  “Oh, Maria,” she said as I cried in her arms. “I’m so sorry.”

  “What the hell are you doing here?” I hiccuped between sobs. “You should be resting.”

  “I’ll crash here for a bit.” Brie rubbed her cheek into my head. She was still stunning even with the bruises and cuts on her face. “I’m going to intrude on you, okay?”

  She came in, and I sat her down on the couch, bustling around my small apartment, grabbing spoons and mugs and sticking a DVD into my TV.

  Heath Ledger.

  I loved this girl. She knew exactly what would cheer me up. The touching gesture made me start crying again, and I told her everything that happened.

  “That idiot,” Brie bristled. “Insensitive, dense, egomaniac, selfish — where’s a thesaurus? We’ll just read every shitty word about him.”

  “No,” I said. I just wanted to forget about him. “Heath Ledger is waiting for us. We’ll just fall in love with the screen. What kind of ice cream did you get?”

  There was fat free vanilla and rocky road. I dug my spoon into the latter, leaving the other one for Brie. We started laughing and crying at every little thing after we finished the fourth bottle of wine and the second movie.

  I didn’t want to bring up the time that I found Brie’s necklace on the floor of Benji’s office, but the longer we sat there together, drinking, I couldn’t help thinking about it. I wasn’t even sure what the second movie was about since my head was spinning with alcohol and a fiercely desperate need to know what happened.

  But Brie just got out of the hospital. Did I really want to have this conversation while we were drunk?

  Yes.

  Yes, I did. But first, I needed to empty my bladder.

  I didn’t get a chance to ask her. As soon as I came out of the bathroom, Brie fidgeted with her phone in hand.

  “I think I need some fresh air,” Brie blurted hastily. “Let’s go pick up some snacks from the convenience store down the street.”

  “Sure,” I said. Brie rarely wanted to get snacks, but why not? I could ask her later. We had all night.

  I walked down the stairs with Brie behind me and was out the door when I saw Benji there. He was fifteen feet away, shifting from foot to foot as he looked up and down the street. What the hell was he doing here?

  “Maria?” Brie’s voice said behind me. I was about to shove her back through the door, cursing that she said my name so loudly.

  “Maria!”

  God. I loved the way he said my name. The deep lustrous tone of his voice. The way his mouth rolled the sounds.

  Brie looked at me, worriedly. I realized I had frozen in place. But I needed to see him. At least one last time.

  Benji’s face looked panicked as he glanced back and forth between Brie and me.

  “Maria, can we talk?” Benji pleaded.

  But I was too drunk to notice the desperate edge in his voice. I was too drunk to think about anything besides how much I wanted him and how much I was done with him. I couldn’t be strung along anymore. I couldn’t afford to get heartbroken anymore. Mostly, I was afraid that I was too drunk to stop myself from jumping into his arms.

  I shook my head, not trusting my voice, as I started backing towards my apartment. Benji held his hand out and fumbled as he took something out and held it in front of him.

  “I love you, baby —”

  Benji winced, his voice slightly trembling and unsure, but his fingers confidently strumming the ukulele I gave him.

  “And if it's quite alright, I need you, baby, to warm the lonely nights. I love you, baby, so trust in me when I say —”

  His voice grew stronger and clearer, and he expertly played the piece. It was obvious that he was painfully embarrassed, but his eyes never left mine.

  People slowed down to watch us, and a few people stopped to watch us, looking like they were debating whether to take their phones out. It might have looked like a romantic street performance except for the tension between us and the anxious look in his eyes.

  “Oh, pretty baby, don't bring me down I pray. Oh, pretty baby —”

  Don’t tell anyone, but I dreamed about Heath Ledger singing this song to me as he bounced, glided, and slid over the bleachers with the marching band accompanying him. He was handsome and daring, and I swooned every time I watched him.

  But this.

  I never imagined this. It was a shitty situation, and my heart was broken, and I was drunk as hell with my antsy best friend standing behind me, when I was just going to interrogate her about why the hell her beloved necklace was with the man I love.

  And then there was Benji, beautiful Benji, Benji the man I love. He was no Heath Ledger, but he was real and in front of me and that made him better.

  “Now that I've found you, stay, and let me love you, baby, let me love you.”

  The ukulele’s last note faded into the bustle of New York’s streets.

  Benji didn’t move, still searching my eyes with the ukulele in hand.

  Finally, he let it fall to his side. And we stood there in the middle of the sidewalk, staring at each other, without re
gard to any of the people around us. It was like the rest of the street was empty, the rest of the world. In this moment, only the two of us existed.

  “Maria,” Benji breathed, my name painfully sweet on his lips.

  This was the first time I saw him so unguarded and vulnerable. The desperation raw on his face.

  “You can't just expect me to fall at your feet after you serenade me.”

  “I know.”

  “What did you think this is going to accomplish?”

  “I don't know,” he said, his shoulders slightly falling. “A chance. To talk to you, clear things up. To tell you how I feel.”

  “You're leaving the country,” I said, the words cutting bitterly into the air.

  “Wait for me.”

  “You can't just ask me to wait here like a lovesick puppy.”

  “Then don't. But I'm going to come back and chase you.”

  “I don't even know when you'll be back.”

  “Four months.”

  “What the hell — why didn’t you say that? Why did you make it sound like you were leaving forever?”

  “I thought I mentioned it. I should've told you earlier — about all of it — but I didn't know if you cared. I didn’t want to think about how far I’d be from you.”

  “You knew how I felt about you.” The anger lashed out, unrestrained.

  “I couldn’t believe it,” he said, grasping his hair, frustrated. At himself. “I didn’t think you wanted to be with me. I couldn’t wrap my head around it until you told me you love me. Somehow I still can’t.”

  I shook my head, tears somehow filling my eyes again. “I can’t be around you knowing there are other women —”

  “There's no one else, Maria,” Benji cut in, stepping towards me. I stepped back into the door. “I swear. There’s been no one else since I’ve met you.”

  He exhaled frustratedly, his hand mussing up his messy hair.

  “I can’t talk about it right now. Out here,” he groaned. “But I can explain about Jenny. Grant and I need her help. To deal with Cooper. But I swear I didn't touch her. I wouldn’t see her ever again if I had the choice. And after all this, I won’t. You’re the only one I want, Maria.”

  My throat balled up, and I angrily wiped away at the tears falling down my face.

  “I don’t believe that. You’ve been disappearing every night, lying about where you were and when you were done with work.” I choked. “You had Brie’s necklace. You two were meeting.”

  Benji looked dumbfounded, and then his panicked gaze shifted to Brie. From behind me, Brie cleared her throat awkwardly.

  “Um, I didn’t get my necklace fixed, so I asked him to give it to Grant since he was seeing him that day. Didn’t matter since he dropped it somewhere, so I could’ve just given it to Grant myself.”

  Brie rolled her eyes, and Benji’s jaw ticked in annoyance.

  “But about the other stuff, Benji came over to my place, begging to know your favorite songs so he can learn them and play for you. He said he needed a place to practice, and I lent him some books and recordings at my place. I didn't know he was being weird about it.”

  She glared at him.

  “Shut up, Cheddar,” Benji said, scowling.

  “You didn't even start the song in the right place.”

  “Yes, I did. I started with what I needed to tell her.”

  “To warm the lonely nights?” Brie asked sarcastically.

  “That I love her, you fucking piece of lactated mold. Now shut up.”

  For a second, I thought my heart stopped.

  “Do you?”

  Benji looked at me, and his expression clear, now solemn.

  “Yes.”

  “Say it.”

  “I love you.”

  “Again.”

  “I love you, Maria.”

  I felt the tears welling in my eyes again. Benji was immediately in front of me, covering the distance in no time. His strong arms wrapped around my body, embracing me tightly.

  “I love you,” he whispered fiercely, his breath tickling my ear and his arms locked in a vice grip as though he were afraid I’d slip away. “I fucking love you, and I don't know what to do about it. I know I’m going to fuck up a lot, and you’ll have to be patient with me. But I love you, and I always will. Believe me, Maria, and be mine.”

  “Yeah.”

  CHAPTER TEN

  Fine By Me - Andy Grammer

  “Pardon the way that I stare,” Grant sang, more Frank Sinatra than Frankie Valli. “There's nothing else to compare —”

  I gritted my teeth. Of course I had to deal with this asshole. Not that I regret doing the whole serenading shit for Maria but knowing it might come back around to Grant had given me some serious reservations.

  “What can I do so you never mention this again?” I asked, rubbing my temples.

  He looked thoughtfully at me, finger on chin. “Can I make a song request?”

  “I’m not singing for you.”

  “That’s too bad. The sight of you leaves me weak, there are no words left to speak.” Grant wiggled his eyebrows at me.

  It’d already been a straight week of Grant coming by to sing “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You.”

  I ignored him at first but when Maria started singing along, I deigned to make Grant delete it from his memory.

  “Who’d have thought you’re such a romantic?” Grant said, chuckling. “It’s touching.”

  He exaggeratedly placed a hand over his chest.

  “You can jump on the train,” I muttered, furiously clicking on my mouse. “Or in front of it.”

  “I should ask Maria how she managed to keep such a tight leash on your balls,” Grant said, smirking. “She said you like that.”

  “Shut up. She’s the one who’s going to be leashed.”

  Grant raised his brow and burst out laughing. “Benji sharing details? It finally feels like we’re friends.”

  I sighed, a migraine threatening to stab into my brain. He leaned back in his chair, beaming.

  “So how’s life after graduating as a bachelor?”

  “Great.”

  “Who’d have thought the Devil Photographer would be tamed?”

  “Shut up.”

  “Maria’s a very special lady to put up with your shit. Too bad she’s leaving,” Grant said, rubbing his chin. “What is she doing now?”

  “That guy she met at the party, Johan —”

  “The one you were going to snuff for talking to Maria,” Grant piped in. I ignored him.

  “— is some big shot music producer. He was impressed by Maria’s music background and some insights she had in connecting ‘visual and auditory art,’ so he offered Maria some experience under a music supervisor. It sounds like something she’d like doing,” I said, eyes still on my screen.

  “Are you sad?” He asked.

  “No.”

  “Liar,” Grant smirked. “Guess it doesn’t matter since you’re leaving the country soon anyway. Maria okay with that?”

  “Yeah. It’ll be weird to do long distance when we’ve just started going steady,” I said. “But we’re both set on making it work. It won’t be too long anyway.”

  A smile played at his lips, his expression soft and pleased.

  “What happened with the Cooper situation?” I asked, now looking at him.

  It was like an explosive static shock. There was a bristling tension buzzing around Grant, disappearing as quickly as it happened. His eyes were hard, and his lips were pressed into a thin line.

  “Had to pull a few favors to make sure things went through. Cooper has some serious backing behind him.” He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “Thank Janessa for me. The videos she had of him helped push it through.”

  “No thanks,” I said. “She’ll take it as ammunition to do it again. She’s blackmailed enough victims as is.”

  “It helped Cooper leave her alone,” Grant said, shrugging.

  “Recording a rape will do
that for you.”

  “Thankfully he’ll be leaving every woman alone once he’s been given the maximum sentence.”

  “I’ll just give you her number and you can thank her yourself,” I said, grimacing.