Illusion

by Ashley Beale

  He smiles sincerely at me. "I'm glad you enjoyed yourself this evening. I’ve got a few things to do tomorrow, so I'll see you Monday."

  I bite down on my lip to try and not show him the disappointment I have over not seeing him tomorrow.

  He exhales a small breath and looks like he is debating something within himself. Finally his eyes lock into mine and he quietly asks, "can I kiss you?"

  I nod my head, not willing myself to speak.

  He leans forward and lightly brushes his lips along mine. It's soft and sweet and feels so nice. When he pulls back, he is still only a few inches from my face. He has his eyes closed and I can see a hint of a smile. When he finally opens them, he looks directly into my own. "Goodnight." His voice soft.

  "Night," I tell him. His eyes watch my face for another minute before he takes a step back. He runs his hand through his hair and smiles awkwardly before he turns and leaves. I stand here dumbfounded until the door behind me opens and Emi pulls on my arm until I'm in the apartment, nearly falling down.

  She is all smiles. "So tell me, how was your night?" It's like she already knows how incredibly perfect it was.

  It's been exactly four weeks since I've seen Harvey, and still no word from him. Which means it's also been exactly three weeks since my mini date with Brice. We ended back up at the bar with the poetry slam last weekend, and we ate our dinner there. Before we went there, he brought me to a small concert in the park. That was hard, reminding me of Harvey, but having Brice there made it easier.

  The weekend after our first date, he came over and brought take-out for Emi and I, and the three of us watched movies. He ended up falling asleep on the couch and I let him stay there, and the next morning he cooked us breakfast before he took off.

  Today he is bringing me to a friend's house, someone we work with but I don't know well, at a large barbeque they're having. I guess there will be swimming, horse shoes, and lots of food. I'm so very nervous about the situation, but at the same time, pretty excited.

  We're still nothing more than friends. I'm still not ready to take that step, and thankfully this time Emi isn't pushing me.

  Where I still haven't heard from or seen Harvey, the more the reality of the situation sinks in. It's a painful reality, but I've lived a lot of pain and have surprisingly made it through. This time I’m making it through with the help of Emi and Brice. Even Meghan and Ryan occupy a lot of my time.

  I finally broke apart and told Meghan everything. She held me tight while I cried in her arms one Sunday, and it felt great to know I have a friend that isn't a male and isn't related to me. It's been a while since I've had that, since Tabby moved to Florida. I always have been surrounded by wonderful, loving people, but most of them were mutual friends of Kirt and I, and I separated myself from almost all of them we he passed away.

  I ended my weekly sessions with Dr. Ross, now I’m just going to attend sessions once every three months. I finally got switched onto another medication but only take a half dose instead of a full one. I'm learning to exercise, drink more water, get more sunshine, and all those things he told me to do. The only thing I don't get much of is some quiet time a half hour a day.

  Emi found a job last week though, so she has been gone a little more often. She is going to have to work every other Sunday, receiving every other Friday off, but she seems to like that idea. She went on one date last Saturday with someone Meghan hooked her up with. I love seeing her making a life outside of me in the new city. I feel proud of her.

  Gohn, the guy from work, lives in Manhattan and has the smallest backyard of all time. There are over twenty people here when Brice and I arrive, and more to come, including Meghan. He has one of those four feet tall blowup pools, and it's more meant for the young children some people brought. The horseshoe pits are a lot closer than they should be, and they're not even barbequing outside. I have to laugh at what my imagination cooked up and what is the reality in the situation. Most people are hanging out inside unless they're watching after their kids, playing horseshoes, or are smoking cigarettes. I have no reason to be outside, so Brice and I stay indoors and chat with others we work with.

  I feel guilty because I don't know half the people that are here, yet they're almost all employed at In-and-Out. It's obvious that I need to start communicating with more staff. Quite a few people come up and talk with me and I have conversation with them as well, but I don't know them nearly as well as they know me. In fact, most of them I'm unsure of their names and they come up and ask, "How are you Zoey?" or say, "Zoey, it's nice seeing you outside of work."

  When it's time to eat, Meghan finally shows up, and Brice, her, and I all sit around a large white plastic table that is placed in the dining room. We talk amongst ourselves for the most part, sometimes including someone nearby, and I find myself laughing a lot. It's better than I was expecting it to be for sure.

  Gohn asks if we want to stay for the adult’s only after party, while those with kids leave. Apparently they're having drinks and playing cards, which does sound fun, except Dr. Ross still doesn't want me drinking anything. I tell Brice he is more than welcome to stay and play, I can catch a cab home or I can have Meghan bring me home, since she doesn't want to stay either. He claims he'd rather just have a relaxing night with me. It makes me smile, but I don't let on just how happy it makes me.

  We say bye to everyone and I give Meghan hugs. She is staying a little later than us but not too long. I think she has a crush on one of the guys that are here, but he has a four year old daughter, so that kind of surprises me. She seems young to be interested in a single dad, but I guess we all mature at different ages. Looking at her, she looks younger than she is though. She turned twenty two at the beginning of the year, but still looks like a teenager, so when you think about it, she isn't too young at all.

  Since it's still early, Brice asks if we can park his car near the apartment and walk somewhere to find something to eat for supper. Of course I agree to it. It's a beautiful summer evening, with just the right amount of breeze flowing through the air. The sun is still up, but it's mostly blocked by buildings, and it causes a breathtaking view when you're looking at the buildings just right. Everything about this evening is relaxing and blissful.

  Just as we're walking into a pizza joint, I see those gray eyes that I've thought of almost every single damn night the past four weeks. I know it, because they remind me so clearly of Kirt. I can't get those eyes out of my mind. Except, he doesn't look the same, oddly enough. My vision of him in my head has changed what he really looks like. When he looks back at me, it's like a punch to the gut. How can he look at me like that? Like he doesn't know who I am, like he isn't sorry about the pain he has caused.

  It angers me, it saddens me, and it confuses the hell out of me.

  "What's the matter?" Brice whispers when I don't enter inside the pizza parlor. I just stand here and stare at the asshole who made me believe I was crazy. Who just up and left one night, never to say goodbye. The guy who I started falling for, that I thought felt the same, then disappeared without a trace. Who disconnected his phone and made it nearly impossible to find. Maybe I should have tried harder. I went to a doctor, I switched medications, I had a massive break down and got depressed all over again, but I never thought to search for Harvey.

  Maybe I wanted to believe that it was an illusion. Maybe my mind told me to give up on him. But now that I'm staring at him, I can't imagine why. I want to slap him in the face, I want to scream at him, I want to ask him a million questions. I want him to suffer the same way I have been.

  All the hard work of moving on and healing, all the time I've taken out of my life, the work I've missed, the pain I caused Emi and Brice and Meghan, even my parents, all the things he has caused me over the past four weeks comes rushing in and nearly knocks my breath out of me.

  Brice pulls on my arm, trying to get my attention again, but I can't stop staring. Harvey doesn't look remorseful or caring at all, he actually looks at me like he
has no idea who I am, and that hurts, a lot. Something inside me snaps as all those memories of my pain and suffering come flowing through me at a rapid speed. I walk towards Harvey the same time he turns and starts laughing with some brunette in tight jeans.

  "Harvey," I yell out. He tenses and looks back at me, looking... confused. Instead of questioning things, I continue my tread and when I reach in front of him, with all the anger I have embedded within myself, I slap him across the face.

  His hand immediately covers the spot where my hand imprinted itself upon his cheek and his eyes darken as he stares at me. His breath immediately starts to quicken and he looks pissed. Good! He needs to be pissed. He needs to show me some kind of penitence for his actions. "What the fuck, bitch!" he yells at me.

  That's my undoing.

  "Excuse me?" I get on my toes and push my chest into his. "Fuck you, and everything you did to me. You're a sick, sick asshole, and I cannot believe I ever trusted you. I hate you Harvey, do you hear me, I hate you!" I shove my hands into his chest but he doesn't budge.

  "You're a fucking psycho, get the hell away from me."

  "No! You don't get the right to call me anything! Do you understand the pain you caused me?" My voice starts to falter as tears form in my eyes. I can no longer yell, instead I start whispering out in a hoarse voice, full of all the emotion consuming my body. "You fooled me. I thought I was healing and you go and hurt me in the worst of ways. No goodbye? Really? Why? Why would you do that to me?"

  Arms wrap from behind me and Harvey's eyes leave mine quickly to find who I assume is Brice. He is trying to pull me away but I fight him as I wiggle out of his embrace. Harvey speaks to him. "Good, get this bitch away from me. She needs to be locked up or something. Get a muzzle on her, too."

  All I can see is red.

  Before I know what is happening, Brice's arms are off me and he is tackling Harvey to the ground. A gasp leaves the brunette as I just stare. My body is shaking and I'm not sure what I'm feeling more of; anger or confusion or sadness. It's all too consuming and I'm not sure how much more I can take.

  The girl with the dark hair looks at me as Harvey and Brice are completely battling it out. She screams at me. "Who are you and what the hell is this all about? Take your sorry ass away from us and leave. That is my husband you're attacking and this is all bullshit!"

  Husband? Did I just hear her right? "Excuse me?" I ask deadpan.

  She steps closer and gets eye to eye with me. "I don't know what your problem is, but you need to get this douche bag off my husband, and get the hell away from us and out of our lives. Who the hell do you think you are?"

  I don't answer her, instead I look down at the guys literally beating the shit out of each other. "Stop," I yell, "just stop it!" They don't. "I said stop!" I don't think they even hear me. I pull up on Brice's shirt and as his face snaps towards me, Harvey gets a good punch, landing Brice on his ass.

  Harvey goes to punch Brice again and I slap him once more. "You're married?" I scream at him the same time he turns his anger towards me. "How dare you! This doesn't make sense!"

  He starts breathing even heavier through his nostrils as blood drips from his swollen lip. His left eye is already closing shut and turning purple, and he has a large scratch down the side of his jaw. I'd feel bad for him had he not hurt me so badly. He was a great, wonderful, terrific guy while we got to know each other, but now that I know the truth- now that I know the real Harvey- I hate him. I completely despise and loathe the so-called man in front of me. It all makes sense now. I didn't make him up, he was married so he hid things from me. He lied to me, he tricked me, he fooled me. He embarrassed me. He didn't help me heal at all, he just tortured me even more.

  "Who... the... fuck... are... you?" he seethes out through gritted teeth.

  "I'm the girl you destroyed! Don't play this game with me." I break out in tears, not wanting to but not able to control them. My body is shaking out of control and he pulls his wife close to him, wrapping his arm around her shoulder, comforting her. It's so surreal I don't even know what to think of this.

  Brice comes over and my heart thumps extra hard seeing the bruising and blood all over his face. I'm not sure who got the better of the other. Brice has a large cut on his eyebrow and he has blood coming from his nose. It looks as though besides some bruising his eyes and lips are fine. I don't think he has a broken nose. I’m pretty sure he won that fight. Regardless, he defended my honor, and that makes me so happy.

  But even so, with everything I just found out, I don't think I'll ever be able to trust anyone again. Finding Harvey is almost worse than not finding him. At least I could pretend that he was my imagination, that I created him to help me heal and move on. I could pretend a lot easier that he was created between a heart break and medication. But this, finding out that I didn't make him up, that he lied to me, betrayed me, fooled me, embarrassed me, left me without a word. All of this, it's horrifying. I hate him. I completely and absolutely hate him. I hate everything he did to me.

  He shakes his head at my words and looks down to his wife with a confused expression, before looking back at me and taking a step back. "I think you're confusing me with someone."

  "Don't lie," I tell him.

  Brice pulls me into his embrace and I go willingly, needing someone to just hold me right now. It's hard to see much through my tears, and I try to wipe them away, but it doesn't help much. Brice talks before either of us get another chance. "Harvey, man, I know this may be hard in front of your wife or whatever, but you destroyed her. The least you can do is apologize."

  He throws his hands in the air and laughs dryly. "I'm fucking serious, I don't know this bitch. I watched from a distance, thinking she looking vaguely familiar, but I can say with all fucking honesty, I've never met her before!"

  His wife is trembling next to him and staring at me with shock and horror. I'm sure this hurts her now that she knows the truth, and I do feel incredibly sorry for her. "Can you tell me what is going on, please?" Her voice is nearly a whisper, and it's directed towards me.

  Harvey speaks to her in disbelief. "Nothing, obviously! The girl is crazy." Crazy- he really had to use that word. Yeah, of course I am right now, because of him!

  She ignores him and takes a small step towards me, her pleading eyes watering. "Please."

  My eyes look back and forth between Harvey and her, and although I'm crying, I manage to get a few words out. "We met on a subway a few months ago, and for some reason I ran into him the next day and we started hanging out. We hung out for a few weeks, then dated a few more. Then he just... disappeared without a word four weeks ago." I start to sob when I say it out loud and Brice pulls me closer to him.

  She looks up at her husband and back at me. "I, uh, I'm so confused right now. Are you sure it was Harvey?"

  I nod my head against Brice's chest and he comforts me by rubbing his hand up and down my back, holding me as close to him as possible. Probably scared to let me go again.

  "She is a liar!" Harvey screams and pulls on his wife's arm, getting her attention. "I promise you baby, this isn't true. I don't know this girl, I know nothing about her."

  "Fuck you," I seethe out.

  He turns to me and takes a step closer. I can feel Brice tense up. Harvey looks exhausted from this all. "I don't even know your name." His voice is surprisingly calm. "I have never, and will never, cheat on my wife. And your story makes no fucking sense. We just got back from our honeymoon five weeks ago, we were gone for three weeks. Please, explain to me when I had the time to date you when I was in Hawaii."

  That takes me aback. I look to his wife and her eyes look me up and down as her tears start drying. "It's true," she says with complete certainty.

  I look up to Brice and he is staring down at me, just as confused as all of us. "I don't get it," I whisper. "This is him, Brice."

  He kisses my forehead, leaving his lips placed there for a moment. He pulls back and looks at Harvey. "I'm sorry man."

 
Harvey grunts and backs away, holding his wife again. "Whatever, just get the chick checked out. She is obviously missing a few screws."

  Brice's breathing increases just slightly. "Watch it or I will kick your ass again. She is going through a hardship and you're not helping matters. Just get out of here, both of you."

  The girl shakes her head at me and grabs Harvey's hand. They just turn and walk away, saying absolutely nothing to me. I can't seem to form words either because I think I'm more confused than I've ever been. I look back up to Brice and he has his eyes closed, his head tilted back just slightly. He looks like he may be praying or something.

  I still can't talk.

  With a large breath, his grip loosens on me and he opens his eyes. "Let's get you home," he whispers.

  I nod my head, even though he still isn't looking at me, and I walk with him. He doesn't hold me, or my hand, in fact, he stays a few inches from me. I don't know what to say, or what to do, or what to think. I want to cry again, I want to scream, I want to get some answers. The only thing I do though, is I follow behind Brice like a zombie, going where he goes, until we reach back to my building.

  He comes inside with me, and walks me into my bathroom. He turns the shower on, and without any words, he helps me undress. He's never seen me naked before but right now, I don't think much on it. I allow him to get me out of my clothes and into the shower. He strips down until he is in his boxers, then he climbs in with me. He washes my hair for me, then my body, then when I'm completely washed and rinsed, he holds me close to him. I don't cry, I don't talk, he doesn't say anything either, he simply just holds me.

  When the water starts to turn cool, he reaches behind me and turns it off. He steps out first, grabs a towel and quickly dries, before wrapping me in the towel. We walk together into my bedroom and he pulls back the blankets on the bed. I get under the sheets, shaking from both the cold and my emotions, and he pulls them up under my chin, tucking me in.