Illusion

by Ashley Beale

  I can feel the change. I can feel that this has become too much for him, and he is giving up. He can't deal with my reality. There is obviously something very wrong with me. Nothing makes sense about the Harvey situation and I'm not sure I'll ever know the truth. It hurts so much it's causing me to become this helpless, needy, confused girl. I don't blame him for wanting to get away from me, I wish I could get away from me too.

  I should be thankful he is the type of man to at least make sure I'm okay before he leaves me alone. But honestly, how can I be thankful right now, about anything.

  Standing up, he leans down and presses his lips to my temple. "Get some sleep," he whispers. Then he is gone.

  I hear the door close behind him just a second later and I'm left alone.

  Always, always alone.

  I don't have to open my eyes to sense Kirt. I needed him so much, it's no wonder that he is visiting me in my dreams again. I get it now- he wasn't visiting me because I was needing him less. I had Harvey- so I thought- to lean onto, then I had Brice. Now, I'm not so sure what I had.

  He gets under the blankets and I turn in bed to face him. We stare at each other and it's now that I realize the eyes of the Harvey I just saw, they don't match Kirt's as well as I remember. They're similar yes, but they truly don't compare. I swore they did, I swore they were identical. A lot about the Harvey I spent time with resembled Kirt, and now that I stare at Kirt again, I realize it wasn't nearly as much I remembered.

  I'm still confused. I'm still unsure. It might even be getting worse as all these things hit me.

  "Kirt, I'm so confused," I admit out loud. It's the first time I've talked since the confrontation with Harvey. Where I discovered that I really am either insane, or he is one hell of a liar.

  His eyes don't leave mine as he brings his hand up and touches my face. I don't feel his warmth, and I need to feel it. I need someone, anyone, to make me feel better. I'm alone and scared, I'm confused and exhausted, and I have no one to help me right now.

  "And I'm scared."

  "I know," he finally speaks, but it doesn't sound like him, it sounds like Harvey. The Harvey I spent all that time with, not the one I met today.

  "Are you Kirt?" I ask him.

  "Of course I am," he says. "Who else would I be?"

  I swallow back the tears and emotion. "I don't know. I miss you though."

  "I miss you more, baby."

  "Can I come visit you soon?"

  He shakes head at me and pulls his hand away. "Don't say things like that. You know better than that."

  "But Kirt, it's become too much. I don't know what's real or what's not anymore. Every time I'm happy about something, everything blows up in my face. Being with you, it's the only thing that's ever truly made me happy. You're the only thing that has ever existed in my life that has brought me comfort and joy. I want that again. I want you."

  "You can't have me. Never again, Zoey. Only here, in your dreams. I'm in your heart and in your imagination. If you take your life, there are no promises of me. And even if there was, don't do that. Think of Emi and your secret promise to her. Think of your parents, Zoey. Think of Brice."

  "Brice?" I interrupt him. "He left me, Kirt. Everyone leaves me."

  "I left you."

  I blink at him. Why would he say that? Why would he remind me?

  "But you didn't mean to."

  "It doesn't matter. Listen Zoey, people are going to leave you, they're going to disappoint you, they're going to hurt you. You should know that by now. I was a leading example. You moved on from me, or at least you've tried, you've learned to live your life again. Keep living, baby, keep pushing. It'll be worth it, I promise you."

  "No, I don't want to. It hurts too much."

  "If you take your life, I'll never forgive you. You're supposed to be living for the both of us. I didn't get to live any longer, I didn't get the kids and wedding, I didn't get to buy you that damn house. Do those things for yourself. Please, whatever you do, be strong."

  "I'm not strong Kirt. I was strong for too long, but I can't take any more of this. I'm sorry."

  "Me too," he says quietly. Then he is gone. Just vanished from me. Just like he vanished from me before, without a word. Everyone leaves me like that. No one can say goodbye, no one can tell me they're sorry, they all just walk away and leave me here to crumble.

  I won't crumble anymore.

  I won't let anyone walk away.

  I won't let anyone hurt me.

  I'm the only one that can hurt myself from here on out.

  And not for long.

  When I wake up, I wipe away some tears as I sit up in bed. I listen closely but all I can hear is the noise from the city outside. It's still dark out, so I glance at the clock. I haven't been sleeping long. It's not even midnight yet.

  Getting up, I walk over and open my bedroom door. Emi isn't here yet. I walk into the kitchen and open up the drawer I have with pen and paper. I pull the notebook out and sit on the couch, thinking of something I can say to Emi. I have to do what was never done to me; I have to apologize, I have to say goodbye, and I have to let her know how much I love her. How much it's not her fault.

  Emi-

  I love you.

  I'll always love you.

  I'll always look after you.

  You've been the best sister and a best friend.

  I'm sorry that I couldn't be a better sibling.

  I'm sorry I couldn't be stronger.

  I'm sorry that you've had to take on my role; you've had to take care of me.

  You've been my savior.

  I just can't hang on any more.

  I'm sorry- and I love you.

  I love you so, so much.

  Don't ever hate yourself for this.

  You're the only reason I've held on so long.

  I just can't do it anymore. It all hurts too much.

  Please forgive me.

  Please take care of yourself.

  Please tell mom and dad how amazing they are.

  How amazing they've been.

  They really raised some pretty amazing kids, huh?

  I just wish I could be the old me.

  It seems no therapy or medication will make that happen.

  It seems that no one will ever love me like Kirt did.

  And it seems I'll never love anyone as much as Kirt.

  I can't have kids - I can't love - I can't be strong.

  So I'm going to Kirt now.

  I'll be waiting for you.

  But live your life, sister, live it a long time.

  Continue being you- because you are perfect.

  I love you so much.

  I always have, I always will.

  Again... I'm SO SORRY!

  Love, Zoey.

  Wiping away the tears that can't stop flowing, I place the note on the coffee table, then I walk to the bathroom. I open my small cabinet where I keep all my medications- my pain relievers, my old antidepressants, and my new ones. I sort through the pain relievers. I have three bottles, all less than half full. I grab two of them and my old antidepressants.

  I open the caps and spill out all my medicine onto the sink top, then I reach around the cabinet to find if I have any razors. "Shit," I say out loud. I forgot that I didn't pack any, I didn't want this temptation again.

  I scoop all the pills up and walk out to the kitchen again. Setting them down on the counter, I pour myself a large glass of wine. It's the only alcohol in the house. Between all this medication and the wine, it should do the trick and it shouldn't be painful at all. I hope not at least. I think I've suffered enough pain.

  With a large inhale of breath, I grab a handful of pills and throw them in my mouth, washing them down with wine. I do it a second time. Then a third. As I'm about to throw in the fourth and final handful of pills, I'm startled by a voice.

  "Stop!"

  I turn and see Harvey standing there. Except, wait, this can't be. "Excuse me?" I say.

  He shakes his head at
me. "I said stop! Throw that up. Do something. Get that out of your system. Call nine-one-one. I don't know, but stop trying to kill yourself."

  "How are you here?" I look at my door and see it’s still locked.

  "You don't get it, do you?" I look back at him and shake my head no. I take another sip of wine and he pads through the room towards me. "Put that fucking drink down, now!"

  I do. I'm scared.

  Maybe this is how the world ends? Maybe you see that one person you need the most closure from before the darkness consumes you and you're no longer breathing.

  "You met Harvey on the subway."

  "You are Harvey," I tell him, still confused.

  "You met the Harvey you saw today on the subway. His eyes and his form reminded you so much of Kirt. Everything you've learned from Dr. Ross, from Brice even, it's all true. You morphed this Harvey guy and Kirt, and you designed me. You gave me the name Harvey, because you remembered it from the guy you bumped in to, and it made me seem all the more real."

  "Wait." I reach forward and I can feel him. "You are real."

  He steps back and shakes his head. "No, I'm not, Zoey. Think about it. Think about how fast you connected to me, how I was always around when you needed me to be, how perfect everything went between us. Think about the fact every place we went and all the things we talked about, they were things you already knew. They were places you wanted to visit, places you heard about, you read about, you saw in magazines. Your brain conjured me up, because you needed to move on."

  "No, I don't believe you. You're just here because you felt bad about what happened today. You couldn't tell me the truth in front of your wife. You came to say goodbye, Harvey, but it's too late. I'm too far gone. I'm leaving."

  I grab the rest of the pills and throw them in my mouth, then I hurry and drink back the rest of the wine.

  "Dr. Ross was right, Zoey. Think about how you felt alive when you were with Brice. When you guys kissed or when he touched you, it was different. I helped you heal. You needed to move on and your imagination created an illusion, which happens to be me. You need to see it. You didn't want me to call you baby because Kirt did, I never came around when your sister or any of your friends were around, because you knew that they couldn't see me. You needed me, you needed someone, to be there for you. To spend time with, to help you heal, to move on with."

  "Stop it," I yell at him. Everything around me starts to blur. My body sways and I have to blink a few times to adjust my vision. Harvey changes from himself into Kirt, blurs to the Harvey I met today, then like magic, fades back to himself. "No," I tell him, "it can't be true. It's not true, it's not!"

  I grab onto the counter before I fall, and close my eyes. "Keep them open," he tells me. His voice full of panic and concern. "Get help, Zoey, hurry. Use the phone. Someone needs to save you. Save yourself. Do something!"

  I force my eyes open but I don't seem him anymore. "Harvey?" I yell out.

  I hear his voice even though I can't see him. "You were given this life because you're strong enough to live it, Zoey. Live your life. Get help."

  "No," I yell out. "Harvey!"

  I hear a scream but it isn't Harvey. I try my best to focus my eyes. Emi is standing in front of me, except it looks like three Emi's. She is crying and grabbing at me, saying something over and over but I can't hear what she is saying.

  "Harvey, come back to me. It isn't true." I look around but he is gone. Nowhere. Nothing.

  I fall to the ground and can hear Emi screaming something. She grabs me again and gives me a shake. I can just barely hear her voice, it sounds like she is talking through a tunnel. "Zoey, don't leave me, please."

  "Everyone leaves," I tell her.

  "I told you not to join me." He is angry with me.

  Beep.

  "But don't you see, Kirt, we're finally together."

  Beep.

  "No, we're not. I told you we can't ever be together again."

  Beep.

  "Don't do this to me. I'm here, for you. We're going to be together, forever."

  Beep.

  "No," he shakes his head. "No. Leave." He crosses his arms, not giving me any comfort.

  Beep.

  "Stop that." I cover my ears and squint at him. He is fading. How?

  Beep.

  Wait, how am I hearing that annoying noise if I'm covering my ears? And where did Kirt go?

  Beep.

  "Come back, Kirt. I'm sick of everyone leaving me! Come back!"

  Beep.

  "STOP!" I yell. Kirt has disappeared completely. Wait, no, he can't leave me, not yet.

  Beep.

  "WHY?!" The beeping continues and it's so frustrating. I can't even concentrate on Kirt being gone, all I can hear is that stupid sound.

  Beep.

  I start swatting at everything around me, hoping to somehow find the source of that annoying noise.

  Beep.

  "Shhh, it's okay."

  That isn't Kirt's voice. It's not a guy’s voice at all.

  Beep.

  I continue swatting until someone grabs my hands, but I don't see anyone.

  "Get a doctor," I hear someone yell.

  Beep.

  "Zoey, wake up. Come to me, come on baby, come on. Wake up. It's me, Zoey, it's Emi. Wake up.

  Beep.

  My eyes open and a blurry version of Emi is standing over me. I blink a few times then reach up and rub my eyes. When I remove my hands, Emi is a little clearer. She is crying and her face is pale. Her hair is unruly and there is gray under her eyes. They're bloodshot and she is shaking. She looks like death.

  I reach up and touch her face. It's warm, silky, and wet under my touch. I try to speak but nothing comes out.

  "Shh, it's okay," she says. Her hand touches my cheek and I push my face into it.

  Beep.

  I turn my face at the sound and see a monitor next to me. Damn that monitor, I'm going to kill it. It beeps again, then with a pause, again, then with another pause, again. I don't like it, not one bit.

  "Ca... can... the..."

  Zoey shakes her head. "Don't try to speak yet. They had to pump your stomach and there were tubes down your throat. Don't talk yet. You need some liquid in there."

  I point to the machine that reminds me that my heart is beating as it beeps continuously. She seems to understand what I'm asking and she nods. "I'll ask the nurse when she comes back in to turn it down."

  I try to smile but it hurts. My lips are chapped and everything inside my mouth is sore. I feel weak and faint and surprisingly exhausted.

  A lady walks in with pink and purple scrubs, her hair pulled into a bun, and perfectly curled bangs. She looks way too happy right now, and I'm surprised any nurse can actually be that happy with their life. Don't they see dying people like all day long? And they clean up poop, and throw up, and have to poke people with needles, and are continuously yelled at. She is ridiculous for the fact she can smile that large with the job she has.

  "Why hello there, Zoey, nice to finally meet you."

  I just nod my head, not knowing what else I can do. She presses a button on my bed, which has me sitting up. She hands me a white cup with a straw sticking out the top of it. "Here is some water, it's going to hurt going down your throat at first, so take slow sips, but eventually it'll feel smooth, and you'll be able to attempt in talking."

  I take the cup and the lady is right, it hurts really bad to swallow. I take several small sips then just hold the cup. I'll wait a bit to take more sips.

  She walks over to a dry erase board and scribbles something on it, then looks at her watch. "I'm Vanessa, your nurse for about fifteen more minutes, then Betty will be in. She is a sweet lady, you'll enjoy her I believe. Has your sister here explained anything to you?"

  I look to Emi, who wipes at her eyes. She speaks for me. "I told her about getting her stomach pumped, but I haven't gone into any more details."

  The nurse comes over and checks my vitals. "Oh, and she seems anno
yed by that machine right there." Emi points to the heart monitor.

  The nurse smiles and walks over, pressing a button that causes the noise to lower but not disappear, then she writes a few things down on a paper near it. "What is your over-all pain rate right now, one being almost none existent, ten being the worse pain you've ever experienced? You can use your fingers to tell me."

  I hold up seven fingers. That sounds about right.

  "Where is the worst pain currently? If you can decide."

  I point to my throat then my head.

  She adjusts something below the IV bag, then she checks my heart rate using her fingers and watch. "Okay, your vitals all seem great. You'll probably experience a lot of fatigue in the next few days. Don't be surprised if you fall in and out of a slumber. It's very common with the stress your body has been under, not to mention the pain medication. Technically we shouldn't be giving you any of this," she gives me a stern look and raised brow, while pointing to the IV bag, "but your sister promises me you don't have an issue with abusing medication."

  I shake my head back and forth, telling her, no I honestly don't. Even if this is my second failed attempt at killing myself. For a second time, Emi swooped in and saved me. This time, I haven't decided if I'm grateful or not, but the look on her face makes me wish I was dead. It's a horrible expression and pains me greatly, even with the fluids numbing my insides.

  The nurse continues to explain a few things. Things they did, things they're going to need to do, things to expect. The fact I've been in and out of it for three days now. This being the first time I've actually been coherent to what is going on around me, and the longest I've been awake and aware.

  Once she is done, she says bye to us both, and reminds me to drink more water. I try, and try some more, but it hurts so much. It's like a small rock inside my throat, scrapping the throat walls each time I attempt to swallow. I don't see how it's going to get easier any time soon.

  Emi holds my hand and looks me in the eye. I can see she wants to tell me something but she doesn't, she just stares at me. It's as if she thinks blinking will cause me to disappear. I hate that I've done this to her. I should have gone somewhere to end my life, not have done it where she'd find me. I didn't think that much through, just that I couldn't handle the pain anymore.