Illusion

by Ashley Beale

  I answer all the questions he has and he predicts me to be around seven weeks. He has me lay back and pull my shirt up, then he presses a stethoscope looking thing to my stomach. A fuzzy noise comes from the other end, and I can hear a small flutter as well as some grumbling, obviously the sounds happening inside my stomach. He moves it around for a few minutes, then he turns it off and places it down on the counter.

  "Well, you're most certainly early in the pregnancy. A lot of times we don't hear the heart beat until around twelve weeks, so I'm not surprised we can't hear it. I wanted to check, just in case." He smiles warmly at me. "You can pull your shirt down now, but stay laying, I'm going to have to give you a quick pap smear. When I'm done with that, we'll go over your medical chart, then we'll get you into the ultrasound room to get the first view of that precious baby."

  Kirt holds my hand but looks away while the doctor does what he needs to do. I become extremely cramped while he does the procedure and he seems to notice. "Does this hurt you? You keep tensing up."

  "Yeah, it does actually. I'm really cramped up."

  "Okay, just relax. I can't imagine it's comfortable, but I'm almost done." He finishes up and rubs my outer thigh. "You can place your feet down from the stirrups now and sit up. In fact, why don't you get your pants back on, I'll be right back."

  He leaves the room and comes back in a few minutes later, once I'm already dressed and waiting.

  "So when was your last treatment for the cervical cancer you had?"

  "It was around eleven months ago."

  He nods his head and writes it down. "When was your last pap smear?"

  "About two months after."

  "You should be getting them done every six months. It's always better safe than sorry. I don't want to alarm you, but your test is a little abnormal. I'm going to have to send you back to your primary care doctor within the next week for a further exam, just to be safe. Today we're not going to worry about that though, I'd rather discuss your pregnancy."

  I swallow the bile rising in my throat. "Wait, if it's back, then what?"

  "Well, I'm not saying it's back, it could be for numerous reasons. The pregnancy itself can do a number of things to your body. I'm going to have Nurse Johnson take some blood from you after the ultrasound, between that, the sample I got from your cervix, and your urine sample, we'll get everything figured out. Don't you worry any, okay? Today is a day to celebrate and make sure that baby inside of you is healthy."

  I smile at that. He is right. I need to focus on the fetus inside of me. Kirt rubs my back, comforting me but not saying much.

  The doctor asks me a few more things about the cancer and the treatments I went through, and different dates for different things. Once he is satisfied with my answers, he shows us to the ultrasound room. A lady with nearly buzzed off, black hair smiles warmly at me. "Hi, I'm Johanna, I'm your Ultrasound Technician. If you'll just lay there and pull your shirt up, I'll get started."

  I do as she says while she walks over and grabs a tube filled with something that looks like lube. She squirts some on my belly when she comes back over and it's extremely warm, not like I was expecting. She grabs the wand that is connected to the computer and rubs it over the gunk before pushing into my stomach a little. That cramps me too, but I'm too excited that I ignore it. I've been cramping up a lot lately anyway, I know it's my stomach stretching and preparing itself for the growing fetus inside me.

  She clicks a few things on the computer and moves the wand around more. I look up to Kirt with a wide smile on my face, matching his. "I bet it's a girl," he says.

  "You want a girl?" I ask him.

  He shakes his head fast. "I do, but I want a boy first. I need him to protect his little sister, but I have a feeling it's a girl."

  The nurse laughs softly. "You won't find out the sex until around twenty one weeks."

  He smiles at her then looks back at me. "That's fine. I don't care what we have, I'll be happy either way. We can have like ten of these things, right?"

  I raise my eyebrows. "Ten? Have you been drinking? No, we can stop at like, two, maybe three."

  "Four," he says with a wink.

  I laugh. "Deal."

  The nurse pulls the wand off me and after she wipes it off, places it back its spot, then she wipes my stomach, almost looking defeated about something. "Sometimes when you're so early in the pregnancy, it's hard to see the fetus. How far along did Dr. Hoops say you were?"

  "Around seven weeks."

  "Okay, well that explains things. Most the time I don't get to see the baby with a regular ultrasound until at least eight or nine. I'm going to have do a transvaginal one. Why don't you strip off your pants and underwear, then I'll get you started on that."

  I jump off the bench and do as she says while she is faced in the opposite direction. Kirt laughs at my grumpy face when I sit back down, covering myself with another one of those giant napkin things, this time an ugly pink one. I tell her when I'm done and she looks at me with humor in her eyes. "Okay, don't judge this. I know this scares a lot of people."

  She holds up a giant looking dildo attached to a long, curly wire that is plugged into the computer. Okay, I’m exaggerating a little. Maybe not so much a dildo, it's not shaped as anything practically, but it has a condom over it and yeah, I'm scared. Kirt starts doing a cough-laugh, choking over absolutely nothing. I glare in his direction as he pounds on his chest to stop himself.

  Johanna smiles warmly at us. "I know, it's a little overwhelming, but this is going to go inside you so I can get a better look at your womb. I'm going to need you to lay back then slide your pelvis forward. You can place your feet in those stirrups, then I'm going to need you to insert this just an inch or so inside of you. When it's in, let me know, and I'll do the rest of the work."

  I do as she says and let her know when it's in me. Kirt just looks up at the ceiling with his lips pressed together. Yeah, this is one of the most awkward moments I've ever had to experience. She pushes it further in me and I nearly grunt out when I start seriously cramping.

  "Sorry, I should have told you that you'll experience some cramping." She moves it around inside and clicks a few more things on the computer. Kirt reaches down, still not looking at me, and runs his hand through my hair.

  She pulls the wand thing out of me and discards the condom that has some blood on it. "Uh, should I be worried?"

  She faces me with a sad smile on her face. I don't feel good about this situation. "The blood is very normal. Why don't you go get dressed again, wash your hands over there," she points to the sink, "and I'll be right back. I have to confirm something with the doctor."

  She slides her gloves off, then presses a few more things on the computer. A few sonogram pictures print out and she pulls them from the printer, then walks out the door. I get dressed and sit back in the chair. Kirt gives me a sweet kiss and rubs his hand up and down my spine. There is something going on and he feels it too. I don't like this. All my excitement and nerves has turned into fear.

  When Johanna walks back in, Dr. Hoops follows behind her. "Zoey, Kirt, can you please come with me?"

  I hop down and we follow behind him. As we pass Johanna she gives us both a smile but it doesn't reach her eyes like when we first met her.

  We return to the room we were in the first time. "You two can have a seat if you'd like." There are two regular chairs placed against the wall, so we both sit, and he takes his little black stool. He clears his throat while he looks at us with sadness. "I'm sorry to say this, but there isn't a fetus."

  Kirt immediately grabs my hand inside both of us his and he gives me a squeeze. I'm not sure if he is comforting me or himself. "Excuse me?" I say. "We got a positive pregnancy test!"

  He clears his throat again and licks at his lips, obviously nervous talking about this. I'm sure it isn't easy on him, but me, this is killing me. I know it's killing Kirt too. He wanted a baby worse than me. "What are the other symptoms you had? If you don't mind me asking."
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  "Some cramping, light headed, especially in the mornings, my appetite has been off, I've been throwing up a lot, particularly in the mornings or after meals. Plus, I missed my last period, with just some light spotting."

  He looks down where he has his hands folded in his lap before meeting my eyes again. "Have you been trying to get pregnant?"

  "Yes," I tell him as tears start to fall. I quickly wipe them and I hear sniffling. I look over and Kirt is trying so hard to hold back his own tears.

  "There are a few possibilities to explain all of this. One being you could have been pregnant but just lost the fetus early on, which is very common with everything you've been through. Second could be that you had what we call as pseudocyesis, or better known as phantom pregnancy. It's where you're wanting to get pregnant so bad your body gives off all the signals that you are in fact pregnant when you're really not, which has been known to give false positives too, although rare. Last being, your cancer could have come back. It's doesn't explain the positive test, but it does explain everything else. We'll get through your tests as fast as possible and get you an answer as soon as we can."

  My body starts trembling out of control and Kirt pulls on my arm. I end up climbing onto his lap as he holds me tight to him, allowing me to just cry. The doctor goes on explaining a few things but I ignore it all. Right now, I don't care. Kirt comforts me, which makes me feel guilt ridden- I should be comforting him too. I just can't seem to do that right now. I didn't realize quite how much I wanted this baby until I was told there wasn’t one.

  I'm woken up when two arms wrap me tight in them. Everything surrounding me is off, so I start shoving at whoever is touching me, screaming to get off. "Shh, Zoey, stop pushing me, its okay, I'm here. I'm here baby, shh. It's okay. It was just a dream, shh."

  When I realize its Brice holding me tight, I stop pushing at him and instead grab handfuls of his shirt and pull him to me. He lays down next to me in bed and holds me tight, kissing me over and over, telling me repeatedly that it'll all be okay. I sob into his embrace until I'm able to catch my breath again.

  Embarrassed by everything, I tuck my head into his neck and close my eyes. He takes a deep breath and whispers softly. "Do you normally have night terrors?"

  "No," I tell him honestly. He probably doesn't believe since this is the second time he's witnessed me have them.

  "How often do you have them?"

  "Just sometimes. When certain things trigger them."

  I can tell my voice comes out muffled against him. He pulls back and looks at me. He has water in his own eyes. I must have really scared him with my screaming and crying. I can't believe I did this at his mom's house. He is really going to want to leave me now.

  He presses his forehead against mine. "Is this about the whole baby thing?" I nod my head slightly against him and he sighs, pulling me back into him embrace. "I'm sorry the situation is so hard for you. You've really been through a great deal of pain, haven't you?"

  Again, I nod but don't say anything. He kisses the top of my head. "I'm not leaving you," he says softly. "If that is something you're scared of."

  Another sob leaves me, and I'm not sure if it's because that was exactly what I needed to hear in the moment or if I'm still just that sad. He shushes me again and presses his lips to my head once more. We lay together this way until we hear his mom walking down the stairs. I turn my head and look at the clock. It's just after six in the morning.

  "Your mom isn't going to like me anymore," I whisper.

  "I very much doubt she is going to judge you for having a bad dream." More like bad life, I say to myself. "If anything, I'm sure she'll accept you all the more. You're not just some girl that has made your way into my life, you're the first girl I've told my mom I love, you're the first girl who I can see myself living my future with. You've struggled over and over, and here you are, still living and breathing. You're still surviving. You love me back, and I know she sees that. The way she looks at you, I can see the joy in her eyes."

  I pull back and look at him. "You're too sweet to me."

  "I don't think I'm sweet enough if I'm giving you any doubts about me or my family accepting you."

  I look away, unable to see the intensity in his eyes. His hand comes to my face and he makes me look back at him. "What do I have to do to prove how much I love and adore you? I've known you for a few months and you already cause me more joy than any girl I've ever been with. You need to see yourself the way I see you. You need to see your beauty- inside and out. You need to feel how fast my heart beats when I just simply look at you. When you laugh or smile, I can't help but feel warm inside. Everything about you has me falling so deeply in love with you."

  "You should say your poetry at that bar."

  He shakes his head. "You're not grasping anything I'm saying to you, are you?"

  "Not really, actually. I mean, I get that you love me, and I appreciate your love. I accept that and I want to embrace it the best I can. And I love you back, more than I thought I could, faster than I thought I would. What I don't get is, that you are willing to stay with me knowing that is it. This is all we'll ever be, just you and I."

  "Because my love for you is enough. Zoey, baby, please stop, okay? If I could, I'd put a damn ring on your finger right now just to prove to you that you're all I need. The only thing that even remotely makes me scared of loving you and moving forward with you, is the fact that you can so easily hurt yourself. Stop doubting yourself, stop doubting us, stop doubting our future, okay?"

  "Yeah," I mumble. It hurts to know that I'm scaring him. This isn't how I wanted it to be while visiting his family for the first time. This isn't how I wanted our relationship to be at all. I don't want this pain and torture like I had with Kirt the last couple years. I want to be happy, I really do. There is just a part of me that is always going to doubt that I'm enough, but I'll try. For both Brice and myself, I'll try.

  We make our way downstairs after a few sweet kisses. His mom is in the kitchen, flipping some pancakes on a griddle. "Y'all ready for some flapjacks?" she yells out over her shoulder.

  "Sounds great Momma."

  "Smells great, too."

  She puts a couple on a platter then points to the fridge. "Get the syrup out of there, will ya."

  Brice walks over and grabs the syrup and butter, then the platter of pancakes. He then walks towards the dining room. I grab the milk and cups that his mom pointed to without asking anything, then I follow behind him.

  We both sit down at the table and his mom joins us with a cup of coffee a few minutes later. Mm, coffee, I could really use a cup. Brice seems to notice and elbows me. "Want some coffee?"

  "That would be great, please." He stands and leaves the room. His mom doesn't even look at me and that hurts, a lot. I'm sure she thinks I'm some kind of freak for the screaming I did this morning in my sleep. She is probably doubting me a good match for her son, and that is before she knows any of my secrets and past.

  Brice comes back in, hands me a coffee that looks to have creamer and sugar already in it, then he settles back in his seat. It's not coconut flavored but it's better than no coffee at all.

  When we're done, I thank his mom as Brice grabs our empty plates. I pick up our cups and walk into the kitchen with him after she just simply smiles at me. "Your mom doesn't like me," I say. I lean against the counter and he walks over, placing his hands on either side of me, then comes forward and kisses me on the lips softly.

  "She isn't a morning person."

  Yeah, right.

  She walks in a minute later and I hope she didn't hear me. I don't need to give her yet another reason to dis-like me. "Brice, dear, I need a few things at the grocery store, you mind grabbing them for me?"

  He looks over at her and backs away from me just a little. "Sure, let me just go change." He looks back at me. "You need to shower or anything first?"

  "Actually," his mom says grabbing both of our attention. "I'd like to have a conversation with Zoey
alone please."

  I'm not sure who looks more nervous, Brice or myself. "Uh, mom, I don't-"

  Her eyebrows lift. "She'll be fine. I'm not going to hurt the precious girl, I just want a talk to the lady who is in love with my only son." She smiles and walks past us.

  He turns his attention to me. "Are you going to be okay?"

  No! "Uh, yeah, I guess."

  He smiles softly. "If she hurts your feelings at all, you tell me, and we'll get a hotel room for the night."

  I nod my head. "Uh, okay."

  When Brice leaves, after asking me for the sixth time if I'll be alright, I sit on the couch and try to not to throw up from the nerves his mother has given me. She comes sauntering down the steps and with a smile makes her way over to me, just to take the place next to me.

  Without so much as a word, she grabs my wrist and looks down at it. Oh, shit, that is why. She saw my damn scar underneath the tattoo and already deems me unworthy of her son. "When did you do this?" I know it's not about the tattoo.

  "A little under a year and a half ago, when my fiancé at the time passed away."

  I can hear her inhale a sharp breath. "I'm so sorry for your loss. May I ask what happened?" She drops my wrist and looks me in the eye. Hers look very sad.

  I may as well be honest with the lady. "He was deployed for three months when his tank hit an IED."

  She nods her head, accepting what I'm saying. "Is that your only attempt?" She nods her head towards my wrist.

  "With all due respect, I'm not really sure I feel comfortable discussing this right now." I mentally pat myself on the back for sticking up for myself. I know I'm with her son, and I'm in her home, and she is concerned, but she really doesn't have that much of a right to ask me such a personal question.

  With a sad smile, she reaches over and grabs my hand. It's an odd gesture in the moment but I allow her to. "I was sixteen when I had Lynette. I thought I was madly in love, my parents kicked me out of my house, and her father, which is the father to all my children, got a job and we moved in together. Granted the place we lived was like a roach motel and a place no child should be raised, but we had nowhere else to go. His parents had the same feelings."