Illusion

by Ashley Beale

  Okay, I don't understand what this has to do with me, but I listen anyways.

  "Fourteen months after she was born, along came Brice. I still wasn't even eighteen yet, and their father was just turning nineteen. He worked damn hard to provide for us and all his efforts and support, plus being so young, I fell deep and hard for him. Eventually I got myself a job, then I got myself pregnant again, so I quit. He supported me no matter what happened between us, and he loved every single one of us. The only one planned out of our four children was Savannah."

  Once again, I don't see what any of this has to do with us, and I sure hope it doesn't have anything to do with her wanting me to hurry up and have kids with her son. Or to leave him the hell alone.

  "You see, he was all I ever knew. He was the love of my life, the reason I breathed, the reason I could handle the craziness of four children. He saved me from my parents, he was everything I ever could wish for. Then one day, his secretary was knocking on the door with a very swollen belly and claimed him as the father. It was one of the most heartbreaking days of my life. The kids were still young and didn't understand why we started fighting all of a sudden, or why I was always crying. I couldn't get passed it, I refused to forgive him, so he left."

  My heart breaks for this woman. How horrible.

  "He moved to Texas with the girl, who is ten years younger than him. Leaving me and our children so he could start a new life with his now wife and child. In fact, I think has like three now." She waves it off. "I was thirty, Lynette was sixteen and was starting to date. I couldn't deal with anything, so I thought, and well." She lifts her wrist up to me. "It's not covered with a tattoo, just lots and lots of wrinkles."

  I can feel my throat close up as I see four smaller scars and one large one faded across her wrist. Wow, that is a lot of pain too. I guess sometimes I forget how much others suffer as well. "I didn't try to kill myself, I just did it to relieve some pain. You see, I was always in so much pain emotionally, that the physical pain took away from that. It was easier to feel something sharp pressing into my skin that it was to feel my heart in throat, my throat in the pit of my stomach, and my head splattered all of the place."

  "Wow," I breathe. That is pretty intense. I can't take my eyes off from her wrist.

  "Wow is right. It was stupid and reckless and the worst mistake I ever made. I didn't know it at the time. It wasn’t until three months down the road I pressed deeper than I meant to and ended up passing out, and poor Lynette came home from school early and found me on the floor. She thought it was a suicide attempt. I don't think she ever told Brice or the others, so I'm not sure if they know or not, but I'd rather them not ever know." She gives me a stern look and I nod my head, letting her know I won't say anything.

  "So you see. I got better and I live my life to the fullest. I love with all my heart, I let those around me know how much I love and adore them, I embrace the bad with the good, and I appreciate each day that God gives me. Now, I'm not a religious person, but I do believe God has a plan for everyone. He puts people in our lives when we need them most, he doesn't give us more than we can handle, and if he takes one of us out of this world, it isn't because he wants others to suffer, he just needs them as an angel."

  That reminds me of what my illusion of Harvey said to me. "You were given this life because you're strong enough to live it, Zoey."

  "Thank you," I tell Brice's mom with a hoarse voice. "I needed to hear that."

  "I know," she says. "I can see it written on your face. That pain and sorrow. I lived it so long, I can see it easily. You seem like a great woman, Zoey, and I'm sorry you've experienced that kind of pain. Just don't take your loss and your yesterdays out on my son. Or yourself for that." She pats my wrist. "One day you're going to wake up, look at yourself in the mirror, and you're going to see what everyone else sees. A strong, sweet lady."

  I smile at her as I wipe away a tear from my eye. I figure since we're talking so open and honestly, I may as well let her know what my night terror was about. "I can't have kids. I had to have a partial hysterectomy, so I'm never going to be able to have children. It's the one thing I'm scared about in the future. That is what got me screaming this morning in my sleep. Brice claims he can live with that because he loves me enough, but I'm scared." My voice chokes at the end and her eyes water too.

  "Hey, shh, don't cry sweat pea. When his father left, he had a lot of trust issues. He wasn't one of those boys to go and sleep around, but he has dated a lot of girls. Even so, he never showed interested in settling down, getting married, having kids, none of that. He called me a few months back and said he found a girl that caught his attention. I figured it was just another girl, but when he described things about you, I could hear it in his voice, I could hear the change. He calls and tells me more about you than he tells me about himself. I know that he loves you with all his heart. And that boy, he knows how take care of a woman, he has been helping take care of me and his sisters for so long now."

  I just stare at her and listen to her, as she wipes away a few more of her own tears. "I never thought I'd see the day he fell in love. The fact he has chosen someone who is obviously smart, who understands love and loss and pain and happiness, it means the world to me. I'm going to tell you right now, he isn't going to let you go over something as trivial as you not being able to carry a baby. If you two really want kids in the future, you'll have kids. I'll help you, sweetie. Don't let it ruin your relationship now, though."

  I clear my throat and stutter a little bit as I confess I've been down that road. "Kirt, my ex, we uh, we tried the adoption thing. It's why he joined the military, so we'd have more money and stability. It's why he, why he left."

  She pulls me to her and hugs me close. "He didn't leave sweetie. He's right here." She holds her hand over my heart. "He is with you always. Just because this situation you find yourself in ruined a part of your life once, it doesn't mean it will again. Okay? Be blissful and appreciative before it kills you, because it will. This stress isn't good for you or your body. Look at all my grays and wrinkles, I'm only forty-three, no way should I look this damn old."

  Wow, she is right, I never would have thought she was so young. She looks closer to sixty. I guess she was right when she said she wasn't that old yesterday.

  "Now," she clears her throat and pulls away, "I know you don't know me that well, besides what we just talked about, but if you ever need some advice, I'm only a phone call away."

  "Thank you."

  She smiles and stands.

  "I think it's time I shower."

  She doesn't say any more as she makes her way towards the steps. I just lay back on the couch and think about everything she has said to me. She has given me a bigger outlook on life than Dr. Ross, my sister, Brice, Kirt, or anyone really. She gives me more of a hopefulness than I thought I'd have. I hardly know the woman, yet I already know that she has a place in my heart that can never be replaced. I feel accepted and loved by her already. We have a connection to one another that not many people could possibly understand.

  I love that she has so much strength. She loved, lost, went through a severe depression, and she is living and breathing many years later. She is truly happy and grateful for things in her life. She is surrounded by love and respect. I can have that, I can be that, I can pull myself together and have that in my life too.

  I say a silent prayer, thanking God for sending me to her.

  When Brice gets home, I help him unload the groceries. Okay, I try to help him, but since I have no idea where anything goes, he puts them away and I lean against the counter and watch him. When he is done, he walks over and pulls me to him, hugging me tight. "Do I dare ask how that went?"

  "Really good," I tell him.

  He pulls back and looks at me, completely surprised. "Seriously?" he asks in disbelief.

  I nod my head with a smile, then I kiss his lips. "Honestly."

  "Wow." He kisses my mouth again. "I'm glad to hear."

  "S
o you really see a future with me, regardless to me having illusions of lovers, having a horrid past, and a limited future?"

  His smile fades and his hand goes up and runs through my hair. "I'd marry you right now, Zoey, and I mean that. Yes, I see a future with you, and a loving, beautiful one at that."

  "Then let's go."

  "Go where?"

  I give him a Cheshire Cat smile. "Your mom opened my eyes up in a way I can't explain to you, but she really had me focus on different aspects of my life. Look at things differently. I've been wanting to be the old me again, the one that is carefree and happy, that loves with her whole heart, that is passionate and spontaneous. I want that again more than ever, and I want it with you. So let's go, let's get married."

  His eyes widen to three times their normal size and he takes a step back. "Are you uh- did you take something?"

  "No, I didn't take anything. I just love you that much and I never want to lose you."

  "You won't ever loose me, Zoey." He takes a step forward this time and grabs both my hands in his.

  "If you don't want to, never mind. I just thought you meant it," I shrug, "but yeah, I can see where you'd think I was being too irrational."

  "What a damn minute, I didn't say you were being irrational and I didn't say that I didn't want to marry you. I'm just trying to make sense of this. This morning I could have sworn you were going to run away from me and I'd never see you again, and now you're telling me you want me to marry me, right now. Like you want to go elope or something."

  I nod my head. "I do want to. I want to do it before I put any more thought into it. I don't want to focus on the what if's and the why's, I don't want to worry about losing you. I just want you, to be mine, forever. I want a piece of you no one else has ever had, and I want you to own my heart forever."

  He takes another step back and shakes his head the same time a smile grows on his face. "You're absolutely insane, that much I'm certain of, but it's one of the many things I love about you. Let's go."

  "Seriously?"

  "Yeah, come on."

  His mom didn't question why we wanted to take her car all of a sudden, but the second we walked back into her house laughing and holding hands, she threw down her dish rag and pointed her stubby finger our way. "Something's up."

  His sister Lynette, as well as her two daughters are in the kitchen, and Lynzi comes running out, arms wide open for me. I pick her up and give her a tiny hug. "What is that?" She points to the white bandage poking out the top of my shirt.

  I place her back down and look over to Brice, who is grinning like a fool. "Momma, you're probably going to beat my ass with a frying pan."

  Her brows lift. "I knew you two were doing something sneaky. You've been gone almost all day!"

  Lynette chuckles from the side. "Probably out getting married so they can hurry up on the baby making."

  His mom turns towards her daughter. "You stop with those ridiculous remarks. They're not having a baby any time soon, nor are they making any." She turns back and winks at me, then becomes stern again. "Let's go, I wanna hear this."

  I elbow Brice in the ribs. "It's your mom, you tell her."

  "Well, we left to elope."

  The silence that takes over could be deadly.

  He continues. "But everywhere was closed." He shrugs and I laugh. "We didn't think about the fact it's a Saturday."

  "Oh dear heavens," his mom says breathless, shaking her head. She places the back of her hand on her cheek, looking way too relieved. Well then, I guess maybe it's a good thing we didn't get married after all.

  "But we got tattoos."

  Her eyes widen and she walks over to him and slaps him upside the head with the back of her hand. Not hard, just a small whack. "What did you do boy? You ruined that body of yours! Oh, no, no, no. I thought you were smarter than that."

  He holds back his laughter and looks at me, his eyes smiling as much as his lips. "Yeah, well, I've become a little crazy lately."

  "Well, where is it? What is it? Please don't tell me it's of a naked chick or something absurd like that."

  He actually rolls his eyes which makes me giggle some. I look to Lynette and she is grinning like a fool, completely amused by the whole situation. Both his nieces are jumping up and down, waiting for him to reveal it. He lifts his shirt, showing the tattoo on his side. It's the only one on his entire body. It's not very big, but it's meaningful. It's a sailor knot, only colored in black ink and very well shadowed and detailed. There are three knots all together, and in the middle of them the words, Never and Leave are inscribed.

  When he chose it out, he must've asked me fifteen times if it was too corny for a man to get. I promised him not at all. Not only did it mean so much to me, more so than marrying me to be honest, it'd also meant something for his mom. He wouldn't turn out like his dad, and he wouldn't just walk away from me.

  His mom seems to get the hint of what it means, and how powerful it is. She quickly turns and I can see her wipe her eyes. Poor lady probably didn't cry nearly as much before I showed up here. At least not lately. When she turns back around she nods her head. "Well at least it's a respectable one that can be hidden. No skulls and bones or naked ladies." Her eyes look over at me. "And what about you? What did you get this time? You didn't get my son's name did you?"

  I love how she automatically assumes we got the worst tattoos out there. I laugh and shake my head, then I pull away the top of my shirt. Mine was done last, so it's still bandaged. I slowly peel it back until the bandage and all the tape is gone. She walks a little closer and stares at it. "What does that mean? Is that Chinese or something?"

  Lynette walks over and the girls both jump up and down some more, yelling, "lemme see, lemme see!"

  I kneel down to let them see.

  "No, it's not Chinese," I laugh. "It's a Zibu tattoo, meaning Choose Life." I got the same tattoo I envisioned Harvey to have, and as I was getting it, the memory of how I ever thought of it came rushing back to me. It was something Tabby had emailed me when I told her about how I couldn't have children, and how depressed I'd become. How Kirt was leaving me to go to the military, and I was scared about moving on in life. She emailed it to me with a long speech and the meaning behind it. It had always stuck with me in the back of my mind.

  Next to the tattoo, in small, beautiful cursive, it says, "You were given this life because you're strong enough to live it." The Zibu symbol is supposed to be strong and meaningful all on its own, you're not supposed to get it with anything else. But I thought of the symbol as soon as I walked in the shop, which then reminded me of why I wanted it, all the pain I've been through, and the last words my illusion of Harvey said to me. It just seemed to fit.

  Of course I explained it all to Brice first, and he too agreed that it was perfect. I didn't want to get it without telling him the meaning behind it. I'm never closing up to him again. I've chosen him.

  I've chosen life.

  Thankfully his mom loved the idea of my tattoo and told us both she isn't too mad, but she said if we ever decide to elope again, she'll hunt us down and torture us. So of course, we said we're not going to get married any time soon. In some ways, I'm kind of thankful I didn't go through with it. I do love Brice, but I think I need to learn to love myself a little more before permanently giving him a piece of me.

  The next day was hard to say goodbye to his family, especially his mom and nieces. I don't know how he moved away from them. Granted, I did move away from my parents and Emi, but I did it to heal. He did it simply for a job. He said he was only planning on staying the first year, until he could train someone to do his job, then he was heading back home, which is more or less what I had decided too, depending on how much I liked or dis-liked it in New York City.

  Now that we're together, that is one more obstacle for us to discuss, but that is over eight months away. We'll figure it out- I hope.

  Arriving back in the city, it's already dark and I'm exhausted. I text Emi but I don't go home, i
nstead I go to Brice's apartment. I've been here a few times but never overnight. He has a pull out couch instead of a bed, and his apartment really is smaller than mine. I feel bad he got screwed over in the apartment aspect when he moved up here, but then again, a single guy doesn't need much.

  While lying in bed, he looks me in the eyes and smiles. It's dark but I can still see him from the lights of the city shining through his window. "Do you think Emi would move here and I can move in with you?"

  I laugh at his question until I realize he is completely serious. "Wait, seriously?" He nods. "Uh, I don't know. I don't think our work would be real impressed by that."

  "We won't tell them," he says simply. "You guys share a bed. I think it'd be good for us. She can have her own place, you and I can get to know each other even better. There will be no running away, from either of us. Then one day we can really get married and know it's what we both want."

  I lean in and kiss his lips. "I'll ask her." Because yeah, that is certainly something that I want to do.

  As everything in my life finally starts to flow together, and I find myself laughing more, trusting more, smiling more, things start to really move fast. Fast in the best ways possible. Minutes turn to hours, which turn to days, which turn to weeks, and before I know it, months are passing by. Summer ends, fall begins, and now it's starting to snow as winter makes its way towards us.

  We spent Thanksgiving vacation together with Brice's family, while Emi stayed behind in New York City to stay with Quade's family. I invited my folks out to Tennessee but they said they needed to save up some money for Christmas. It made me feel pretty down, but I understood. I'm learning quickly that plane tickets are not cheap, especially doing round trips. It's worth it though, getting to see Brice's mom, siblings, and nieces.