Illusion

by Ashley Beale

  Its two weeks away from Christmas now, which the two of us are spending with my parents. I'm a little nervous about Brice meeting them, and vice versa, but then again, I know they'll love each other. Brice said he met with my parents for a moment while I was in the hospital, but didn't get to communicate with them much. He claims it made him nervous. I find it adorable.

  After a day of getting some holiday shopping out of the way, Brice brings me out to dinner and the movies. He seems to always be spoiling me and I can't get enough of it. When he promised me he'd somehow prove how special I was to him, he meant it. I can most definitely see myself spending forever with his love. It's enough for me, finally. I know I'm not completely healed, I know I may never be, but I'm getting better with each passing day.

  I've continued with therapy sessions, and I still question different things in my life. It all seems too good to be true sometimes, but then Brice or Emi, or even Meghan, come along and prove to me somehow that my life is exactly what it's meant to be, and I'm okay. I'm. Okay. Those two words, yeah, they mean a lot to me. I'm not perfect, I'm not completely healed, but I'm okay. I'll take it.

  Once we're done at the movies, we head out back to my apartment. Scratch that, our apartment. It's lightly snowing, adding to the few inches already on the ground, and the moon is shining bright above the city lights. It's hard to see most nights but tonight it seems very vivid. Brice clears his throat and slows down. Since I'm holding his hand, I don't really have a choice but to join in with slowing down as well.

  I turn to face him and he seems to be getting nervous. I try not to laugh but a small one escapes me. "Uh, are you okay?"

  He grins at me and nods his head. "I'm more than okay. I'm perfect, actually. And a little nervous," he admits in a softer tone.

  With a raised brow, I look him over, trying to figure out why he would be nervous. "Did you, uh, do something?"

  "Yes and no," he shrugs.

  "You're not making sense and now I'm not sure if I should be nervous as well."

  He runs his hands through his hair and looks around for a moment. His hand goes into his jacket pocket for just a quick moment, and he pulls out a small wrapped present. It's a square box wrapped in red and white paper. "I was going to wait until we were at your parents to give you this, but it just seems like a perfect moment."

  I take it from his hands and unwrap the gift that looks to be some sort of jewelry. My heart thumps at the idea of what it could be, but I don't want to be disappointed, so I tell myself it's just a pair of pretty earrings. Maybe even diamond earrings. Yeah, that would be nice.

  But it's not earrings. And when I open the box, Brice gets down on one knee. On a snowy sidewalk in the middle of a busy city, while people are passing all around, shopping and minding their own lives. No one even pays attention to Brice, but I do, he’s all I can pay attention to. It's like the craziness that surrounds us completely disappears and we're the only two people in the world.

  He pulls the box from my hand while it's still opened. The gorgeous white gold band with the most perfect old single cut diamond shines up towards me, begging me to touch it, but I can't, not yet.

  "Zoey, when I first saw you, I knew there was something about you. You drew me in almost immediately. I read your emails and knew you weren't quite available but it didn't stop me from watching you from afar. It didn't stop me from asking questions about you, or thinking about you. When I finally talked to you that first day, seeing you smile and laugh in the break room, it did things to my heart I can't even explain. I don't do romantic, I don't do corny, well I didn't, until I started to fall under your spell. I knew I loved you long before I told you, but I wanted to make sure you loved me first.

  "That day on your couch," he winks, "was one of the best days of my life. That was up until I heard you whisper you loved me, not even knowing I was awake. Since those two days, there have been a few events that have taken the top spot on my favorite days, but I want at least one more with you. I want to make you mine, in front of our friends and family. I want to make you my wife. I love you so much, I can't even come close to explaining just how much.

  "Zoey Lynn LaRoche, will you please do me the honor in becoming my wife?"

  I was nodding my head before he even started speaking, but when he finally asks me those last words, I fall to my knees in front of him, pulling his mouth to mine, and I kiss him fiercely. When I pull away, I laugh like a mad woman and nod my head some more. "Yes, of course I will. Yes, Brice!"

  Someone tripping over Brice's feet and swearing under their breath brings us back to the reality of where we are and the fact we're both kneeling in a growing pile of cold, wet snow. He helps me stand up, then he kisses my lips, before taking the ring out and sliding it on my finger. I stare down at it with complete awe. It's perfect, just like Brice. Just like us. Together. Finally, my happy ending is near.

  We hold hands on the walk back to the apartment, and when we get inside, he starts pulling my clothes off me. I giggle against his mouth as he assaults mine. He whispers softly between kisses, "I want... you... with nothing... on... but that... damn ring." We barely make it into the bedroom before he is throwing me down on the bed and climbing between my legs. He slides himself inside of me while kissing my mouth fiercely.

  Backing away from my mouth, but not by much, I catch the desire burning deep in his blue eyes. He is panting as he plunges in and out of me. He watches me, watch him, both of us breathing rapidly as we pleasure each other with love. "I need to go fast and hard. I'll take it slow next time."

  I don't have a chance to agree, or even disagree, with his statement. His mouth is back on mine and he rolls over, pulling me so I'm on top of him. He uses his hands on my hips to set the speed, then he moves them to explore me while I ride on top of him. We both manage to reach our euphoria together, and he grabs my face as I scream out in pleasure, and we watch each other with hooded eyes. It's such an intense feeling, both erotic and endearing, and the look on his face and the sounds he is making intensifies my orgasm so much.

  "I love you," he says then kisses my lips.

  Pulling away, I whisper my love for him too. Then he flips me on my back and starts kissing me down my body. "Now we'll go a little slower." God, I love the fact I turn him on enough he can already go a second round.

  The next morning I call my parents, then Emi, then Meghan, I even call Tabby, telling them all the news. He calls his mom, then ends up handing the phone over to me. Between all of us, we come up with a date and a few details of the wedding. Not one person questions it's too soon, and that makes me extremely happy. Even my Poppa, who was a little shocked by my thrilling news, still congratulated me and said he was proud of me.

  Brice’s sister, Lynette, texts his phone with a message that reads, Told you- some relationships are formed in the weirdest ways. Love you guys, congrats. Oh, when will I be getting my nephew?!;)

  Instead of making me tear up, it actually makes me smile. She means well, and she doesn't know I can't. His mother kept my secrets and I kept hers. We talk often on the phone, especially when I'm having a moment. She always manages to give me words of encouragement, bringing me out of my stupor, and making me feel like a better person. I have so many Godsends, and because of that I've become more and more thankful for the Lord I once cursed. Not that I'm a religious person by any means, but as my tattoo says, I do have faith.

  Brice and I spend the rest of the day celebrating our engagement. Yup, I'll certainly never get sick of this. The man sure knows how to make me happy.

  "Hey Kirt. I'm sorry I haven't been talking to you. I'm sure you know why. I'm sorry the last time I was here, I told you I'd never love anyone else but you. It was obviously a lie, but I didn't know it at the time. I really do want you to know though, you were the love of my life. You were my first in nearly everything. You were my very best friend, my other half. I miss you daily, even if I don't say it out loud. But I did just as you asked of me, I lived my life. I lived for both of us
."

  I place a wreath down against his grave stone and run my fingers across his name. "Merry Christmas. I hope while you're in heaven you receive the best of Christmas'. It'd make sense you would. Anyways, I honestly can't stay long, I need to get back to my parents. I do miss you greatly though, and you're welcomed to come say hi in my dreams any time you want."

  After I kiss the ends of my fingers, I press them to his gravestone, then I close my eyes and say a silent prayer. "I love you Kirt." I stand up and walk back to my car. The car I've missed but I certainly have no use for in New York City. My Momma has been using it so that it doesn't just sit there and rust.

  I look in my rearview mirror and swear I see him standing close to his grave, watching me go. My last Christmas with Kirt comes flashing to the forefront of my mind while I drive away.

  I walk pass the living room to go get showered and glance over the beautiful Christmas tree I made Kirt get. He wasn't too impressed with me getting a real tree this year, but I didn't care. We've had a fake tree the last four years living together, and I told him that if he didn't get me a real one this year, I was putting the damn fake one up before Thanksgiving. That changed his mind real fast.

  The angel on the top sparkles in white lights, giving it a beautiful touch. The lights surrounding the tree is in different colors with silver garland all around it. A few ornaments are placed here and there. We dropped a box while decorating and broke most of the ones we have. My favorite though, will always be the one he gave me on our first Christmas together. I'm so happy that one didn't break.

  It's a simple emerald color- Kirt knows I love all shades of green- and it has a cursive 'F' and 'E' on it. He said it stood for 'forever'. Honestly, I know he picked it up at a yard sale or something, I could tell by how worn it was, but I didn't care. I'm sure it was someone's initials or something, but to me, it means forever. It lays directly in the middle of the tree.

  I continue my assessment down to the presents below. We each got each other only one gift, as we do each year. Except, wait, whoa, there is about twenty presents under the tree. I don't continue into the bathroom like planned, instead I walk into the living room. Kirt is sleeping and I really shouldn't wake him, but we need to be to my parents in an hour and I want my presents now.

  When I turn to run into our room, ready to jump on the bed and beg him to get up, he is standing in the passage way, leaning against the wall. "Merry Christmas," he says with a large smile. He takes a few steps forward, and I meet him in the middle, giving him a large kiss on the mouth.

  "Merry Christmas! Did you really buy me all those gifts?" I point to behind me.

  He smiles so bright, he puts the tree to shame. "I sure did." I'm sure it's because we know he is going to be deployed around March, he wants to give me a heck of a Christmas in case he misses next years, but I don't think much on it. I don't want to sour the mood. I just want to enjoy the moment.

  We sit down in front of the tree and presents. He hands me them one at a time, and I unwrap all the wonderful gifts. Some are simple enough, like clothing or a scarf, one is my favorite movie- The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, in other words, the movie I lost my virginity to with Kirt. Others are a little sweeter, like bath stuff and oils. I love each and every single one of them. With two gifts left, I unwrap a set of lingerie and laugh, while giving Kirt a saucy look. He wiggles his brows at me, then urges me to open the last one.

  It's flat like an envelope. I open it up and unfold the paper. It's a picture of Australia. "Uh? Thanks?"

  He reaches over and grabs my left hand, rubbing his thumb over where my engagement ring is. "I want to set a date, or at least a week. I'm thinking the summer after this one coming up, maybe mid-June or July or something. Then when we get married, this is where I'm taking you. I know you've always wanted to go to Australia, and I want to be the one to bring you. I want to stay there with you forever, but since our families would hunt us down, we can just go for a few days."

  I nearly pounce on him and start kissing his mouth like crazy. "Yes! Oh my God, yes a million times. That is perfect. Thank you, thank you!"

  He laughs when I sit back up. I reluctantly grab the gift I got him and hand it to him. He opens it up and starts cackling in laughter. "Well, I did need new socks." I give him a pouty look.

  "Sorry, we always do small gifts." I shrug. "I didn’t expect you to play Santa this year. But I am really glad you did."

  We stand together and his holds me tight, in front of the Christmas tree. We sway together as he lightly kisses me over and over. Our eyes lock into one another, almost sensing there may not be another year like this. But once again, I won't think that way. I'll pray every single night to the Lord above to bring Kirt home, safe and sound.

  "Merry Christmas baby."

  I pull into Kirt's mom's house and Colt is outside on the porch waiting. I told them I'd be stopping by. I'm pretty sure Peggy-Sue was crying on the phone when I told her, but I didn't ask. He walks over and pulls me into the greatest of hugs. "Merry Christmas Sis," he says, putting me back down. He has called me Sis for years, probably because I practically was family.

  Actually, I always will be family, as they'll always be mine.

  "Merry Christmas Colt. Have you guys had a good one?"

  He shrugs his shoulders. "Could have been better, but better than last years."

  "Yeah. I get that."

  I walk into the house as he keeps his arm placed around my shoulder. Peggy-Sue places down her soda pop and comes rushing over, pulling me into her embrace. I can barely breathe, she holds me so tight, but it's nice. A few tears break loose from me, so I hold her closer.

  When we separate, we both wipe our eyes at the same time. "Oh heavens Zoey, you have grown into one gorgeous woman. That city up there has done you some good."

  I smile at that. She looks like she has aged, but I don't want to tell her that, so I decide not to say anything at all.

  A younger girl comes out, probably in her earlier twenties. She smiles at me and walks straight to Colt, kissing his mouth before he wraps his arms around her waist. I cock my head at him and smile. "Sis, this is Bonnie, my girlfriend."

  I put out a hand which makes me smile. Every time I shake hands now, I automatically think of Brice and the fact he always introduces himself with a handshake. "It's nice to meet you Bonnie. I hope he is treating you like a lady," I wink at Colt. "I'm Zoey."

  "Oh, I know, I've heard all about you. Plus, your pictures are sort of all over the place."

  That takes me aback. I look around and in fact, pictures of both myself and Kirt are everywhere. I guess I forget some people can handle having pictures of him up, even if I can't. I walk over and pick one up. I smile down at the handsome man. It's from the same day he left. The last day I saw him in person. Me and that damn dress. We both look scared and happy at the same time. My thoughts of him haven't done him justice. Wow, I forget just how incredible he looked.

  I close my eyes and try to remember the last time I saw him. I try to remember that day, and oddly enough it's not Kirt that comes to mind. It's Harvey. Not the real one I freaked out on while on the sidewalk, no, it's the Harvey I envisioned. He is smiling at me and giving me a wave. He is saying bye to me. It's strange that I'd think this right now, but I do. Except this time, I don't feel him or sense him, I simply just see him disappearing from me. This time, I'm not at all sad to see him go.

  When I open my eyes again, I run my fingers along the picture, staring at the man I gave so much of my life to. I wouldn't take back one minute of my time with him, not even after all the pain I went through when he passed away.

  I place it back on the shelf and turn around. Peggy-Sue is crying hysterically and Colt is comforting her. I didn't mean to make her cry. I walk back over and we hug each other once more. "You'll always be a second mother to me," I whisper to her. "I'll always love your son, and your family. Thank you for being so accepting of me in your life."

  When I pull away, she kisses my cheek, then
walks over and sits down. She drinks down some of her soda pop, then she looks at me sternly. "You'll always be my daughter as well. When I heard you tried to end your life," she shakes her head wildly, "I felt like I was losing another child. Please don't ever do something so reckless again."

  "I know, I know," I whisper. We've had this talk more than once, I know exactly how she feels about it. "I'm still so sorry."

  She nods her head, knowing I am. "I love you."

  "I love you, too," Colt says, sitting next to her.

  "And I love you both." I smile warmly at the people that have been part of my life for so long, I couldn't imagine ever losing either of them. "I came here for two reasons, actually. One, because I miss you both dearly and love you so much. Second is because I wanted to tell you both in person some news I have."

  Peggy-Sue wipes away some more tears and Colt rubs her back while paying attention closely to me. His girlfriend is off to the side, listening but not speaking. It's nice that she is giving us our personal time.

  "I've told you both about Brice and how good he is to me and everything." They both nod their heads simultaneously, but don't say anything at all. "Well, he has asked me to marry him. We're going to have the wedding in Tennessee because his family is too large to have them all drive out this way, but I was hoping that you would please attend. I'd be honored to have you both there, to accept this of me. If you don't want to, I completely understand, and I wouldn't be upset with you."

  I look down to where I'm wringing my hands together. Colt walks over and pulls on my arm until I'm standing, then he wraps me in his arms, sobbing pretty hard. I wasn't expecting that. "I'll be there Sis, of course I will. Kirt would be happy you found someone who treats you so well."

  More tears stream from my eyes. I pull back and thank him with a kiss to the cheek. His mom nearly pushes him aside as she grabs ahold of me and hugs me tight. "Oh heavens Zoey, yes, I'll be there. I'd love nothing more. I'm so happy for you. Oh, I am so happy for you." Yup, and now I'm crying harder.