The Lost Daughter of Liverpool: A heartbreaking and gritty family saga (The Mersey Trilogy Book 1)

by Pam Howes

  Joanie chewed her lip and Frank shook his head. ‘It’s hard when you lose someone you love. But life’s got to go on. I’ve been having a good think about what we can do to help her, to make her feel herself again. Maybe she should slowly start sewing again and eventually you and Dora should think about starting up the sewing business again, Joanie?’

  ‘Well that’s a good idea, Frank, but our Dora barely has the energy to stand up at the moment,’ Mam said. ‘But Joe and Dora need to get back on track too and our Dora really needs to start showing that little girl some love, otherwise I don’t know what will happen.’

  Jim lit a cigarette and coughed out a cloud of smoke and Mary gave him a look of disapproval. ‘And you need to pack that in as well. Your chest is whistling and crackling more than ever lately and it’s not even bad weather and thick fogs.’ She got up to clear the dishes, clattering them into the sink. Jim’s wheezy chest bothered her more than she let on. He was always bad when the thick Mersey mists rolled in off the river, but that was in the winter and they’d just had a lovely warm and dry summer after that awful cold winter, so he shouldn’t be too chesty right now.

  ‘I’ve got a few days off next week,’ Jim said, ignoring his wife’s moaning. ‘I was thinking about popping over to our Dora’s to do a bit of work. I bet the gardens are full of weeds and I can get the borders ready for planting some bulbs now it’s coming up close to the back end. Weather forecast is decent so I’ll try and persuade her to give me a hand. You have a break, love. She’s got to start pulling her weight a bit more. She’s not the only woman to lose a babby, and others that do just have to get on with it. I can keep my eye on her, but I’m not offering to do any baby minding so she’ll have to do it herself. Perhaps we’ve all mollycoddled her too much and now she simply doesn’t know how to do things for herself or for Carol.’

  Frank lay back on the bed, his hands behind his head, thinking about what Mam had said over tea. Joanie was downstairs in the kitchen having a strip-wash and he had an idea to share with her when she came up to join him. His sister was struggling, that much was certain. To lose her little daughter was an awful lot to cope with. It was hard knowing what to do to help her, but getting back to sewing again was a good start. And Joanie had two more months of work left at Palmer’s before it closed down for good, so now was an ideal time to put his plan into action.

  The bedroom door opened and Joanie slipped into the room, a big smile on her face as she put her toiletries away in a drawer and bounced down beside him on the big double bed they’d bought on the never-never, from Epstein’s furniture shop in town. The curtain partition that had divided the room when he shared it with Dora had been removed and the room was spacious now it was opened up. Joanie had made curtains and a matching bedspread from some old curtains that one of Mam’s WI ladies had given her. He pulled Joanie into his arms and whispered his plan to her. She beamed and nodded.

  ‘Yes, that’s perfect. Just what Dora needs. And me, for that matter. Do it, Frank. Do it as soon as you can.’

  He smiled. A trip to Lewis’s department store tomorrow was a must.

  Dora opened the door to her brother Frank. He’d rung her earlier to say he was calling in on his way home from work, and she was pleased to see him. ‘Come on in. It’s good to see you. I’ll make you a coffee.’

  ‘Oh, hang on, I just need to get something out of the car,’ he said. ‘Leave the door open for me.’

  Dora nodded and went back inside where Carol lay on the rug, cooing and blowing raspberries. She sat down on the sofa as Frank hurried back into the room carrying a cardboard box. Dora frowned as he gestured towards it.

  ‘All yours, and it’s portable so it can be used on the dining table in here.’

  Dora bit her lip as she stared at the illustration on the side of the box. A sewing machine; a Singer electric machine, at that. How she and Joanie had always craved one. Her eyes filled. ‘I don’t know what to say. Thank you so much.’ She threw her arms around her brother and hugged him, feeling thrilled but apprehensive at the same time. Since the birth of her babies, she hadn’t been near her old machine, or done any hand-sewing for that matter. She knew she should and Joanie had been more than patient with her. She’d mentioned that Palmer’s was closing in a couple of months and she would need to look for another job. She couldn’t let her down.

  Carol needed new clothes too. She’d outgrown all her first size things and Joanie had made her a couple of print dresses at work during her dinner breaks. But mainly she wore second-hand dresses passed down from Dolly’s little daughter, Alice. They were adequate but faded from many washes and Dora knew she should get cracking, but her heart wasn’t in it. As though reading her mind, Frank handed her a small bag that had been looped over his arm.

  ‘Some bits of material to get you started,’ he said. ‘Might be enough in them fents to make a little frock or two for Carol. Joanie will come round and give you a hand this weekend.’

  It was the push she needed. She and Joanie working together again, just like old times. She peeped inside the bag and tears came to her eyes as she saw the pretty prints and ginghams and broderie anglaise pieces. Enough in there for at least half a dozen little summer dresses while they still had nice weather for Carol to get some wear from them. ‘Thank you; this is just what I need. I’ll make a start tomorrow.’

  Frank got down on his knees and tickled his niece’s tummy. ‘Hear that, gel? Mammy’s gonna make you some pretty clothes.’

  Seeing her daughter waving her hands at Frank brought the first smile to Dora’s face in a long time. ‘She really likes you.’

  ‘Well I really like her,’ he said, laughing as Carol blew a huge raspberry at him and giggled. ‘She’s gorgeous, aren’t you, our kid? Right, I best get going.’

  She really was, and yet why had Dora struggled to see or feel this before? But the thought of Frank leaving still unsettled her. He made her feel like herself again. ‘Um, will you show me how to set up the machine before you go? I might try and do a bit tonight. Joe’s got his Friday band rehearsal, so it will be something to do once he’s settled Carol down.’

  Frank frowned. ‘Is Joe still doing everything for Carol at night? Maybe it’s time you gave it a go? She looks an easy little thing to sort out.’

  Dora chewed her lip. ‘I’m terrified of hurting her, or her drowning in the bath, or something.’ Her lips trembled. ‘What if I do something wrong and lose her too?’

  Frank put down his mug and took her in his arms. ‘Is that what this is all about? You’re worried that it was your fault you lost Joanna?’

  ‘Yes,’ Dora nodded tearfully. ‘She struggled to come into the world, and when she did she died because I couldn’t get her to feed that night, so it must have been my fault. All those sedatives I took for the sickness might have damaged her. We’ll never know. But it’s better if Mam and Joe do everything for Carol and then she stays safe.’

  ‘Oh Dora, none of it was your fault. These things happen, love. And your Carol needs her mammy, look at her staring at you.’ He picked the baby up, gave her a cuddle and handed her to Dora. ‘Your turn now,’ he said as the front door opened and Joe came in.

  Dora saw the look of surprise on her husband’s tired face as he watched her cuddling their daughter. ‘Hiya, Joe. Look what our Frank’s bought me,’ she said, pointing to the machine. ‘And there’s material to make some dresses for Carol.’

  Frank got to his feet and picked up the box as Joe’s delighted smile lit up his face. ‘Right, let’s have a go at getting this up and running and then I’ll love you and leave you. Oh, and before I forget, Dad’s coming over on Monday and Tuesday to do some gardening. Mam’s having a bit of a rest so you’ll have to manage on your own.’

  Dora sat at the table, reading the instructions that had been inside the box. The machine was all threaded up and ready to go. She’d found some old scraps of white fabric in the sewing room cupboard to do a few lines of practice stitching on while she got the ha
ng of her new toy. It had been a good feeling to actually root through all her sewing things again, finding clothes patterns she’d forgotten all about. She’d put a couple of dress patterns on one side for when she had time to make a few new things for herself. She took a deep breath and set to, the machine purring along, so quiet and smooth after the old rickety treadle. She felt a little thrill run through her. It was a dream to use and similar in speed to the industrial machines at Palmer’s. She knew Joanie would be over the moon when she saw it. She couldn’t wait to start making a little sundress for Carol.

  Before Joe left she’d joined him and Carol in the bathroom. They’d bathed her together and it had been lovely to see her chubby legs kicking and to hear her squealing with delight when they splashed her with water. Joe had reached for her hand and squeezed it gently but Dora had pulled her hand away, unsure of how to react to him.

  ‘You dry her,’ Joe said, handing their squirming daughter over, wrapped in a towel. ‘I’ll go and mix her feed.’

  Carol wriggled on the bed as Dora dried her and fastened her nappy as she’d seen her mam and Joe do so many times. ‘There, little lady, that wasn’t so bad, was it?’ she said and tickled Carol’s tummy as she pulled rubber pants on over the nappy. She felt ashamed that she’d not managed it before. Their baby was three months old and it had taken her all that time. She slipped one of the little white embroidered nightdresses that Maude had made over Carol’s head and fastened the ties, aware of Carol staring at her as though wondering who the heck she was. ‘Don’t you look lovely in Aunty Maude’s pretty nightie?’ She picked up her daughter and gave her a cuddle, feeling more confidence in her ability to handle Carol than she’d felt before.

  As she sat down on the sofa Joe brought the bottle through and Dora fed Carol while he got himself ready to go out. Carol fell asleep quickly and Dora put her in the cradle next to Joe’s single bed.

  She wasn’t quite ready to share her bed with him yet. The thought of him wanting to make love filled her with dread. She didn’t feel up to the responsibility of looking after Carol all night either, but she’d taken two small steps today and felt proud of herself. Maybe this time next week she’d be further on and ready to start enjoying her life again.

  CHAPTER 19

  Joe let himself into the house and cocked an ear. All was quiet. He popped his head around his bedroom door and smiled. The cradle wasn’t there. Dora’s bedroom door was slightly ajar and he could hear the familiar snuffling of his daughter. He pushed the door open wider: Dora was fast asleep and Carol was too. The cradle was positioned by the bed on Dora’s side. That was a good sign; a welcome breakthrough.

  He pulled the door closed and made his way to the kitchen for a glass of water. Over the back of the sofa lay two tiny half-finished dresses; one in pink and white gingham, and the other in a pale lemon fabric with dainty white flowers. He felt a rush of emotion and blinked away the sudden tears. Thank God for Frank and his brainwave of buying Dora a new machine. Bit by bit his wife was coming back to him. He couldn’t wait for the day when she’d allow him to get close again and make love to her.

  Living like a monk was so frustrating that even Ivy had begun to look attractive and she’d more than made it obvious that she was available. It was his own fault. He’d confided in her during his low days when he felt like he couldn’t go on. He should never have let it slip that he was in the spare room with the baby. Dora would go mad if she ever found out that he’d told Ivy and he wasn’t sure he could trust the woman to keep her gob shut. He needed to keep her on his side and had bought her and dopey Flo the odd drink. He’d also had a couple of dances with Ivy. Dora must never find out about that either. She’d go crackers.

  His workmates weren’t really the type he could confide any delicate issues in. There was only Ivy who, probably because of her own sad losses, seemed to understand how down he was feeling. But tonight when he’d danced with her she’d been a bit too clingy, holding on to him like she owned him. He’d had nowhere to avert his eyes other than down the front of her blouse, which was open enough to display the creamy flesh of her ample breasts. The sight made him feel hot under the collar. He’d pulled away from her close embrace before she realised he was becoming aroused, and bent to peck her on the cheek to thank her for the dance. She’d grabbed his face and dropped a smacker on his lips.

  He’d mumbled an excuse about needing the carsey and dashed away, leaving her standing in the middle of the floor with an unfathomable look on her face. He’d avoided her eyes after that and then he was back on stage for the rest of the night. By the time the band had packed away, Ivy and Flo had left the club and he’d breathed a sigh of relief and accepted a lift home from drummer Johnnie in his van. He really should keep his distance from Ivy. On Monday he’d make a start by having breakfast at home and taking sarnies for his dinner again, limiting canteen time to tea breaks only.

  Joanie whizzed around the hem of the little gingham dress, snipped the thread and held it aloft. ‘How smashing is that? It took seconds.’

  ‘Looks lovely,’ Dora said, handing her another dress in a floral print. ‘This is good; us working together as a team again.’

  It was Saturday afternoon, the lads were at a football match and Dora had put Carol in her little cradle and she was sleeping soundly.

  ‘Yes,’ Joanie said, grinning. ‘It does feel good. Are you ready for us to start advertising again? If you are I’ll put a couple of postcards up in newspaper shop windows next week.’

  Dora smiled. ‘I think so. And if we advertise now, we’ll be in time for the Christmas parties and stuff. When do you finish at Palmer’s?’

  ‘End of October,’ Joanie replied. ‘And it can’t come quick enough. We’re working on the final order. We’ll be doing this at the right time. And with two machines we should be able to get loads done, especially when I finish work. Are you bringing Carol in next week to see the girls and say goodbye? They ask about you all the time. They’ll be glad to see you, and Carol too.’ Joanie finished the hem of the second dress and handed it to Dora.

  ‘Yes, I will do.’ Dora said. ‘I’ve got to try and get out a bit more on my own.’

  ‘That’ll be lovely.’ Joanie jumped to her feet. ‘I’ve got something to tell you.’ She chewed her lip and hoped what she was about to say wouldn’t upset Dora too much, but she just had to tell her.

  ‘What’s up?’ Dora frowned. ‘Have you found somewhere to live? Oh I hope you’re not going too far from here.’

  ‘No, it’s not that, although we’ll need to soon. I’m, er, pregnant, Dora. I just found out yesterday afternoon.’

  ‘Oh my God!’ Dora exclaimed. ‘Oh, Joanie, that’s wonderful news.’ She flung her arms around her and the pair laughed and cried at the same time. ‘What does our Frank say? No wonder he looked a bit smug when he left here.’

  ‘He’s thrilled to bits. We haven’t told anyone yet. I wanted you and Joe to be the first to know. So there’ll be another baby to look after between us when we work now.’ Joanie stopped as Dora’s lips trembled. ‘Oh, God, I’m so sorry, Dora, it came out without thinking.’

  ‘No, no, it’s okay,’ Dora cried. ‘Please don’t get upset. I’m fine, really. It’s just that sometimes, well, you know…’

  ‘I do.’ Joanie gave her a hug. ‘It’s early days. But I’m here for you and we’re going to make a success of our business. We’ll be good together, me and you and our little ones.’

  Dora felt her spirits lifting as Joe took her hand. They’d borrowed Frank’s car and Dolly had lent them Alice’s trolley for Carol to lie in and they’d driven over to Sefton Park for a Sunday afternoon picnic. The weather was glorious with not a cloud in the bright blue sky. The park was packed with families and the queue for the boating lake stretched right around the water’s edge. She’d got up early when Carol woke at six. She’d given the baby her breakfast of Farley’s rusk and milk with no problem, and by the time Joe woke up she’d got a line of nappies hanging out and was
busy cooking him bacon and eggs. Carol was sleeping in her pram on the lawn in the front garden. Dora felt proud of her achievements.

  Her daughter looked so pretty in the pink and white gingham and a white sunbonnet that Joanie had bought her, with the white frilly sun canopy above her head. She was attracting admiring glances from other mothers with babies. Joe pushed the trolley over to a lawned area and parked up beneath a tree that cast a dappled shade on the ground. He’d brought a box Brownie camera out with him that had belonged to his late father and he took a few photographs of Dora and Carol. Dora took some of him with Carol, and then a passer-by offered to take a photo of the three of them.

  As Dora unpacked their picnic and a flask she felt a great weight had lifted from her shoulders. It was lovely to be out in the sunshine as a family. She actually felt free from the depression at last and could see herself looking forward to life again. Carol had fallen asleep and Joe unfastened the trolley reins, lifted her out and laid her down on the picnic rug in the shade.

  Dora unwrapped the greaseproof-wrapped cheese and tomato sarnies and poured them a coffee from the flask.

  ‘This is smashing,’ Joe said. ‘To be out with my little family, it’s all I’ve wanted for weeks. I’m so glad you’re feeling better, love. But take it slowly, and if on the odd day you don’t feel right, or you’re not coping, you must tell me.’

  Dora nodded and took a sip of coffee. ‘I feel so much better. It’s like someone’s lifted a veil from my eyes and switched the lights back on. Now Joanie and I have made the decision to start the business again I couldn’t be happier. And hearing her and Frank’s good news yesterday has made me realise that life has to go on. We’ll never forget Joanna, but we should be thankful we still have Carol. Her new dress has had a lot of admiring glances today. Children’s clothes are something we might start with and gradually build up to ladies’ when we’re up and running.’